Moving Swiftly On

As you may have gathered, yesterday was pretty intense and my post was verging on primal.

Since that time, I've had opportunity to reflect on the things that have hurt me and think I have found a way of coming to terms with the things that irritate me and as a result, I'm more philosophical about going forwards.

I was sitting in my car and praying about my feelings, my attitude and the events and actions that led up to them. I suddenly became aware that there is a lesson to be learned here... I've learned it before in another area of my life.

It's the lesson of letting go.

In surgery there comes a time when those operating have to agree that the battle is lost and continuing is a waste of resources. Similarly, while saving the past is a noble pursuit... it must not be done at the expense of the present or future. God knows I have a stubborn streak running right through me. Is it just stubbornness though... or is it actually arrogance? When everyone else walks away, I remain... because some part of me thinks I can hold the centre.

But is it actually my place to hold the centre?

No it isn't. This is riding a dead horse. If I keep devoting my energies to people who have disappeared over the horizon, I'm not going to be able to be there for the people who are to come... and I'm going to burn myself out.

I learned this many years ago in respect of relationships... and now I realise it's equally applicable here.

Let the dead bury the dead.

That's not to say I will slam the door on people who have come and gone... it just means I have no need of their approval... and I'm not being held back any more.

You see it's occurred to me, this is just another step on the road I'm travelling... a necessary one. When I go to Israel next year, who knows what I'm going to discover? One thing I do know though... if I go out there still looking back, I'm going to miss the moments.

In fact, that is just as true now... isn't it?

So onwards I travel... and no longer shall I let my gaze linger on the road behind me.

Now is it just synchronicity that "The Times They Are A-Changin" is playing on my Last.fm radio.

Doldrums

I've had a pretty uncomfortable couple of days.

Forgive me for what is going to be a little history lesson but thinking back, I believe it all started while I was meeting a couple of friends, who during the course of conversation were putting forward the idea of a reunion of sorts. This reminded me of a time when I was let down bitterly by many good friends. We used to meet and have a reunion once a year in the pub... but this started to become impractical and I organised a meet up at my own home. Despite people's promises and the effort I put in, almost no-one showed up... most painfully of all, it was some of the people who I am (maybe I should say was) closest to, who let me down... and I haven't forgotten.

You know it is remarkable how self-absorbed people can be... it really is and it is getting to be ridiculous. People always come to me with problems they want to share, or prayer requests... and yet on the rare occasions I go to them with even the slightest concern, they start rubbing their chin like a dodgy plumber and coming over all "tricky, could be tricky... not sure I can fit it in really".

The truth is that people when they get their slice of pie on this Earth, can be very neglectful of the friends they leave behind. Yes I know people have other commitments... but to completely shut out those people who have helped contribute to who you are today? Disgusting. I mean take for example when people return to town after a long time away... do they ever bother to ring or text for a night out? No.

They have forgotten.

I think what really hurts though, is to see people enjoying the things you can only dream of... and then on the odd occasion when they stuff things up or need help, they come to the one person whose plate is practically empty to ask for bread.

It's been rough... I had a bad Monday at work, and I'm being faced with an overload of people celebrating their own blessings... whilst I'm feeling somewhat of an outcast/exile. I think this is all being exacerbated by a change in the seasons... and I'm sure these feelings will pass. However even if they do.... will the reasons for them also disappear?

Unrequited love is a terrible thing... but how much worse is unrequited friendship?

All for One

Yesterday morning at church, we looked at the passage where Jesus calmed the storm. You know the one... Jesus dozes off on a boat, a fierce squall kicks up forcing water to swamp the boat, the disciples in blind panic go and wake Jesus (who is sill firmly in the land of nod), and tell him they are all going to die. It's at this point in the tale that Jesus tells the winds and wave to stop behaving like naughty schoolchildren and settle down... and they do.

While the display of supernatural power is pretty jaw dropping, what interests me far more is the reason why Jesus went in the first place... because it's not long after that he is back where he came from. Well... I suppose, there is this little story in between:

They sailed to the region of the Gerasenes, which is across the lake from Galilee. When Jesus stepped ashore, he was met by a demon-possessed man from the town. For a long time this man had not worn clothes or lived in a house, but had lived in the tombs. When he saw Jesus, he cried out and fell at his feet, shouting at the top of his voice, "What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I beg you, don't torture me!" For Jesus had commanded the evil spirit to come out of the man. Many times it had seized him, and though he was chained hand and foot and kept under guard, he had broken his chains and had been driven by the demon into solitary places.

Jesus asked him, "What is your name?"

"Legion," he replied, because many demons had gone into him. And they begged him repeatedly not to order them to go into the Abyss.

A large herd of pigs was feeding there on the hillside. The demons begged Jesus to let them go into them, and he gave them permission. When the demons came out of the man, they went into the pigs, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and was drowned.

When those tending the pigs saw what had happened, they ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. When they came to Jesus, they found the man from whom the demons had gone out, sitting at Jesus' feet, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. Those who had seen it told the people how the demon-possessed man had been cured. Then all the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear. So he got into the boat and left.

The man from whom the demons had gone out begged to go with him, but Jesus sent him away, saying, "Return home and tell how much God has done for you." So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him. (Luke 8:26-39)

Yes, I know you have to feel sorry for the pigs... but did you spot something amazing there? Jesus demonstrates how much the soul of one man matters to him. The only reason he travelled over the sea in the first place, was to free that man from his demons.

What is more, if you think about what happened just before all this, you really get a strong impression of how much Jesus values the individual. He left the crowds in Galilee, got in a boat and took his disciples through what was immense physical danger in their eyes. When he touched shore, he took on a supernatural force that no one else could handle. You could argue that the storm had been caused by the same supernatural force. Perhaps the devil wasn't so keen to let that one go. The soul of every individual is important... Satan clings to that which he does not own and Jesus seeks to do everything in his power to free them. If that means travelling over great distances that are not on the itinerary, he'll do it.

This is not the only time in the gospels that Jesus does this. There is a passage where he goes to Samaria to speak to just one woman... and it was out of his way geographically.

This is the Good Shepherd at work. Jesus said that if a shepherd had 100 sheep and one of them was in trouble, he'd leave the safe ones to rescue the endangered one. In the story we just read, he demonstrates it perfectly.

I wonder if you've been feeling troubled by your own demons... and are unable to see a way out? They don't have to be supernatural ones, it could be depression, or it could be something to do with broken relationships. It doesn't matter what troubles you... if you feel trapped, I want to encourage you today by saying that Jesus is the God of the individual. It doesn't matter whether he has to face a long journey, tempests or demons... he will come. He will come because all of us - you and I, matter to him. He loves us that much.

To those of us who know him I have a further challenge. Are we prepared to show that level of commitment to the lost? Are we willing to go wherever we see the need and bind up the broken hearted? Are we? Or are we tempted to stay in the limelight and only do work for God, where it can be seen.

Every soul matters.

Grappling with God

I genuinely feel positive about the coming year, a lot of the obstacles in my life will fall away next year. It's been kind of like a race where I've started several hundred yards behind everyone else... and 2007 will see me cross the start line!

However, there is one thing that genuinely scares me. I have this feeling that at some point early in 2007, God is going to "call me out".

Over the past few days I have been very worried about a couple of things, which were leading me to feeling trapped and made me fear I was being sent down a road I did not wish to travel. I worried that I might have no choice or as a dear friend of mine once put it, that my only choice might be "eat the poo or don't eat the poo." Basically take what you don't want or go hungry. In the end it was just paranoia and nothing came of it... but I had been so depressed by the concept that I had sat up in prayer for an hour in the middle of the night, voicing my anger and my distress.

I've lately been thinking about the passage in Genesis where Jacob physically wrestles God... actually thinking doesn't nearly describe it, I've been obsessing over it. I've read it a couple of times and I've printed off three different sermons from the Internet concerning it, in the hope of discovering what the personal relevance is for me at this time.

Jacob seemed to be trapped between a rock and a hard place. He was uncomfortable with going forward and he couldn't turn back. He was in such a state, he divided his family, servants and belongings into two groups and sat alone on the banks of the river Jabbok, meditating and praying. God knew what was required and instead of patting him on the back and saying "don't worry Jacob it'll be OK", he materialises in physical form, not far from where Jacob was praying. With no distractions, it's just Jacob and God... so what does Jacob do? He decides to lay the smack down on God.

Not a good plan!

One thing I have in common with Jacob is my tenacity and stubborn nature... I don't give in easily. Jacob was never going to win, but he sure wasn't going to quit. God throws Jacob's leg out of whack to shorten the conflict... and that was the moment of epiphany. Jacob was fighting God for a blessing... but all of a sudden, he was no longer trying to beat it out of God... he was holding onto God in desperation. If he let go, God could have left and not blessed him.

God did bless Jacob in the end, actually he had always blessed him, but from now on Jacob realised that he was dependent on God's blessing and embraced him.

People fear God's sovereignty because they foolishly try to understand it in human terms. If a mortal man were to get absolute power, it would corrupt him absolutely. God is not bound to the same curse as us. You could argue that God was being selfish and unfair by doing what he did to Jacob... but ultimately that encounter benefited Jacob and the whole of humanity. What is good for God in the long run is good for us. Or as the writer of Hebrews put it so eloquently:

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I have the feeling I'm going to have my nuts busted by God at some point early in the new year... but on the whole I think that'll probably be a good thing. Something I think I really need to learn, is that God's plan for me isn't just a yoke. He isn't just going to lead me into relationships that i have to tolerate... he's going to lead me into green pasture, people and things I can delight in... because ultimately I'm going to need those blessings to help sustain me later on.

To close with, I've embedded the video tribute to Johnny Cash's "God's Gonna Cut You Down", something for us all to think about there I think...

Not good... definitely not good!

Being a bright and optimistic soul, I want to share with you a positive experience I had on Tuesday (it was my birthday... but that was not the reason, it was merely the catalyst). However, before I do that I need to clear some of the crud out the way... as I don't want it to taint that post. So I've decided to dedicate this brief post to a couple of negative things - just to get them out of my brain. Do not worry, this is not drastically bad... I just want to close the book on them.

Right then. Lets kick off!

1. My X Rays came back from the dentist and it appears I have a cavity. Now despite the fact I haven't needed anything doing for light years... and the fact that within the past 2 years I have completely come off fizzy drinks and cut down on sugary foods... it appears I'm going to have to have some work done.
   
2. Warwickshire County Council have waited a staggering almost half a year before informing me that I need to pay for the clean up of a tiny patch of oil after I wrote my antiquated car off in July. They make it out be the Exxon Valdez disaster when in actuality what was deposited was minuscule... and had dirt put down over it by myself at the time. Apparently they sent in a clean up crew out of hours (unnecessary as it wasn't even on a main A or B road). The total amounts to £188.32 - nice! Furthermore I am highly suspicious at the length of time it has taken them... have they deliberately waited until the season of goodwill to have an opportunity to urinate on my yuletide log? Or maybe, just maybe I'm paying for the Senior Accountant's Christmas Party! I'm not eliminating either scenario.
   
3. Finally, I decided to treat myself to a Chinese on Tuesday to celebrate my birthday... unfortunately the humble meal that appeared to be chicken fried rice, evolved into something far more deadly within my bowels... and despite a noble effort by myself to go to work the next day... I was sent home looking greyer than a rainy Thursday afternoon in winter. Let me just say I'm going to spare you from the gory details.

Now in an effort to remain optimistic and not get bogged down by that crud... here are the things I have to say in response to these meagre obstacles.

1. When I rang up the dentist to rebook I was told it was likely only a fifteen minute job and not prohibitively bad. As I will have just finished paying my insurance for my car (how bizarre is that... I'm paying for a car I no longer possess?), the amount should probably be equivalent... so although it doesn't improve my finances it certainly doesn't look like it'll do me in for Christmas.
   
2. Ah yes, talking of insurance... seeing as the County Council are a third party... I can't see how my insurance provider can wriggle out of this one. It seems fitting, as when they paid out on my car... they ignored all the evidence I gave them about it's condition and refused to negotiate on a woefully poor payout price. If push comes to shove, I should have it covered... but I have no intention of letting them pull a fast one on me.
   
3. I have always been blessed with a decent constitution... and after having 14 hours of solid rest... I was up and running again - even playing chase with my 4 year old godson. Nature of Nick is irrepressible. Needless to say though, that when I go out tonight to celebrate my birthday with a few mates... we won't be stopping off at a takeaway.

OK I've emptied the rubbish and I've answered it too! That leaves the way clear for me to talk about good stuff.

Blessings for now.

Nick.

Update on My Previous Post

In my last entry I told you that I felt slightly bothered that no matter how hard I try, my finances keep getting knocked back to square one (this also seems true of any advances in the area of relationships).

I thought further on this throughout the day and came to several possible conclusions:
That I am being disciplined for my past behaviour in both relationships and finance.
That some kind of oppression/curse is causing problems
Or that God is keeping me in place until the time is right.
I'm more inclined to think the latter, but I think that I need to pray about this... I also would appreciate other people praying.

After I published my last blog, I cam across the following scripture:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

This would seem to back theory 3. I don't think this will be permanent, in my last blog I mentioned the verse about repaying the year of the locust. That comes just before a prophetic blessing where God promises to pour out his Spirit on all his people. As this relates to a vision that is held for my church, I believe that when the time is right... all the doors will be opened.

Rob thinks that maybe I have been put in this position to stop me gallivanting off into the sunset... chasing down my dreams away from where he wants me.

I have to admit, while I don't mind waiting on him for all my deepest hopes... I would appreciate a deposit in the area of relationships. I just don't feel the church is going to receive these blessings for a few years (though I hope I'm wrong), and that's a long time to be in the relationship desert. I mean it's not like he's just going to go bang and make someone want to marry me on the spot! These things take time. Though I am sitting here and chilling out for now... (it ain't my number one priority) if desire and opportunity come knocking I might not feel inclined to pass it up (it is probably my number 2/3 priority). Does this really mean God is going to scupper any advance I make on any girl?

Think I'm just going to play it by ear. The old joke about the guy trapped on a roof who asked God to save him keeps springing to mind.

Whatever happens, He is good. I'm going to pray on this... I'd appreciate anybody else's too!

Tomorrow I'm going to be a lot lighter, I intend to cover the St. Nicholas Day Parade in Alcester. If you want to come along, drop me a line!

God bless

N

Where Do I Go Now?

Very recently I have struggled with a situation that has burdened me greatly. Very recently I've grown fond of someone, but because of trying to stay faithful to the Lord... I did not act upon it. That totally tore me in two. I was involved in an activity that meant being focussed on God, and that means it's inappropriate to use that time to further other agendas... at least that is what it means for me.

On Friday I was in a worship session and I was quite literally reduced to tears as God hit me with a Bible verse...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

The first part of that sentence cut me deep, because that is EXACTLY how I have felt for months. I think God was helping me express my feelings on this matter.

I was especially moved, because I had suffered by holding back. I think God was acknowledging this and speaking to my heart.

However, now the context is appropriate... I want to try and press on. How do I do this? How can I reconnect and tell her I'd like to go out for a drink or something... totally out of the blue?

I'm really stuck now, she is a reasonable distance away, I have no obvious reason to call up. My only choices are to trust in the prayers of myself and my friends. Maybe it was just a test and God has someone better out there for me... who knows? All I know is I would bend over backwards, move Heaven and Earth if it were in my authority... just to reach out and embrace the slightest chink of warm daylight from her... just to taste a little fulfillment in my hopes.

However, it's not in my authority... it's in God's. The one thing I won't do (or at least don't INTEND to do), is disobey Him with respect to this.

I looked up the proverbs verse in the amplified version of the bible, it read like this:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

That version gives me the most encouragement because it draws a connection between the deferred hope and the fulfilled desire. One way or the other I have faith that god is going to bless this area of my life. How - I don't know, when - I don't know, who - I don't know (but I do wish with all my heart at present it's the same person, they are both faithful to God and a joy to behold).

God is good. What will he do?

A Close Shave

I’ve had a very narrow escape. On Friday night, I was considering going to a night out at one of the local pubs with a few friends from my old Fellowship… that will not be happening now. Last night, I was texting a few people with regard to the spectacular and extraordinary Liverpool victory in the Champion’s League final (whilst simultaneously taking yet another opportunity to poke fun at Man Utd.)

The person organising the Friday event telephoned me over a misunderstanding about the game. While doing so, he asked me if I was coming on Friday and told me who else was. There’s only about four others going, and one of them is the girl who caused me trouble over the New Year.

She was the one who dithered and swung to and fro for months as to whether or not she wanted to be a friend or have a relationship, backing off when I advanced and advancing whenever I backed off.

Really, whether she was aware of this consciously or not. All she was treating me as was an “inbetweener”. She was using me as a prop until the next guy came along. A lot of girls want to have their cake and eat it. She wanted someone who was a physical type, who was a bit of a bad lad, but also strong in faith… in that order! Yet every time she has gone down that road before, she has been used or tossed away like an oily rag. I was trying to teach her another way of living, and at first it seemed to be working. However, the pull of her past actions was too great and she played to her previous form.

It came to a head, when I basically laid my cards on the table in a letter. She knew how I felt, if she wanted to be a friend… I’d be a friend, but if she was to go out with me properly, the time for messing about was over… the time for a decision was now.

Whichever road she’d have taken I would have freely accepted. Yet the next time we saw each other, she made the fatal mistake of blanking me completely. No real friend does that. So when a note came through the post saying she wanted to be just friends, I cut loose. I was being used, and that was completely unacceptable. I am glad I have moved on (several times actually).

I suppose one of the reasons I felt so strongly about this, is that I had become a mentor to her. So I actually felt betrayed by someone I regarded as my student (Obi-Wan style). It's not the first time this has happened, I just hope it doesn't happen too many more times, and that the people who I help coach don't keep kicking me in the teeth!

If more people were going tomorrow, I’d be OK. I’d have plenty of scope to keep my distance. However, with only a handful things would be too close and I’d probably have it out with her, which she wouldn’t be able to take.

I’ll maintain my policy of keeping a distance while the option remains. A gentleman will walk but never run.

A Response

Author's note (05/01/07) The following post was initially a response to a comment left on my MSN Space. The person leaving the comment had been abusing my space by posting obscenities. I deleted the pure abuse, but when he finally got round to raising a valid point, I decide to be curteous. It seemed to pay off as their was a genuine dialogue that lasted for a couple of posts:

In response to:

"no offence but stop wastin ur life!! if god exists then howcum such bad things happen to gd ppl?? god dosent exist gt it through tht thik skull of urs!! my grandad died of cancer no matter how much prayer i went thru and church servises i went to. he died!! sure god exist. yeh and monkeys mite flie outa my butt!! jesus roks he was a rly old dood hoo live a mmillion yrs ago get the hell over it!:@:@"

Firstly, I want to make one thing very clear. Despite the fact you posted this in "Abusive Comments Part 2", I don't consider a large part of what you typed as offensive, the rest I believe comes from hurt. So, I'll treat it your post with respect and respond accordingly..

I naturally sympathise over your loss, but with all due respect, you need to get some perspective. You are not alone in knowing people who have suffered died from cancer. Several of my uncles and aunts have as well. Many years ago, I had an aunt, uncle and cousin who died in a car crash... leaving two cousins orphaned. This broke my grandparents hearts. My grandfather died of a heart attack that very year, and my grandmother was a shell of herself for the several years she lived on. My grandfather on my mother's side died before I was even conceived, I never knew him. I would encourage you to be grateful for what time you had with your grandfather, rather than be bitter over what you have lost.

People who have a belief only because they think it's some magic charm to protect them from life's trials need to grow up. As human beings living in a fallen world, we all suffer, that much is clear. In fact, if you have a faith in Christ Jesus, you are likely to come in for more. Jesus only promises to not let us be exposed to more than we can hack. He doesn't say you are immune to pain. Though he is a balm for suffering and the ULTIMATE cure for our fallen condition, he is not an inoculation against the circumstances of this world. How can Christians be a witness to those suffering, if they themselves have not suffered?

No, apart from our need for salvation, the other reason Jesus suffered, was so that he would be able to help us when we ourselves suffer. By his wounds we are healed!

We need to lean on Jesus all the time, not only to get us through the bad times, but also to acknowledge him in the good times.

I'm assuming your comment about Jesus was hyperbole, because as we know, he only lived two thousand of our Earth years ago. He also was NOT a "rly old dood". Most people believe he died around the age of 33. That's not old... at least i hope not, or I'm in BIG trouble LOL! No, Jesus died young... and that's how he remains. He was raised in a resurrection body (some people think that means scientifically changed at the atomic level). He does not age, and he is not on Earth anymore. so yup two millennia later he's still in his thirties. Lucky bloke... but then he is God! :-)

I'd like to challenge you to pray again, though hard it be. I'd also like to ask you something if you do. When you pray, do you just talk, or do you listen as well. I'd like to encourage you to take that path, because it makes a difference. I'd also encourage you to pray along with people who have experience. no, I don't mean people who read from a text book, I mean people who pray from the heart.

Finally, to those of us who do believe in Jesus, a warning:

"That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."

And:

"These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

If we seem to be having an easy ride, we should always be ready and prepared for God to use in difficult situations/circumstances.

We have been entrusted with much, lets not be lazy with it!

N

Christian Girls Part 2

Thanks for getting back to me Roe.


As I posted on your site, I do agree largely with what you put. Apparently the original context for the "do not be unevenly yoked" scripture, was one based on business relationships. However the principle is sound when applied to other relationships, especially intimate ones.

The key problem in this whole area is accepting who is number one in your life. In the secular world, understandably that's going to be the person you love most on this Earth. However, when you are a Christian and have a relationship with God... he's number one, and that causes an imbalance.


Only a fool, or someone heartless would knowingly seek out a relationship that would unfairly burden one or the other person with an unshared belief. However, I do believe (and it's scriptural) that people already in married relationships with non believers before they become Christians, should where possible try and stick it out. I don't believe God calls us to throw people away like rubbish. Everything we do, should be governed by spiritual discernment.

To those of us not in relationships, I believe there are two scriptures that point the attitude we should take, when looking for a prospective companion:


"“Everything is permissible”–but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”–but not everything is constructive."

and:


"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. "

Basically, don't knowingly go into a situation you know is not going to be constructive either for you as a person, or in your relationship with God... and secondly look for the fruits of the Spirit in a person... you tell a tree by it's fruit, not the label attached to it.


The essential thing though is to not let anything or anyone become more important than God in your heart. OK so you might not worship the Vorlon god Booji... or any other polytheistic icon... but worshipping a person, or a possession, or a job is just as much idolatry as dancing round a moose headed pole making funny noises.

Blessings to you all.



Nick

Quote


Talking about Christian girls

Hey Nick,


Thank you for your blog @ Amazing Grace. I'm glad I look suspiciously Christian. :-) Do add me. Thanks for looking me up.

As far as Christian girls go in your 20 something age group... I'm in the USA and I'm not sure that is a problem here. The 20 something group at our church is picking up momentum. Amen. I'll keep you in my prayers as The Spirit reminds me. I pray that you find the joy in love that I have found in the match God made for me, and my husband.

Blessings,


roe

My Testimony

I thought it would be a good opportunity this afternoon, to give anyone reading this an insight into why I became a Christian. Are you sitting comfortably....?

Then I'll begin.

When I was a kid, I was raised by parents who worshipped in an Anglican church. I was in the choir and when I was very young, I'd keep asking my Dad if we could sneak out of the vestry during the sermon, as i needed the loo. However, I very rarely needed it, I actually just wanted to go and look at the big stained glass window of the crucifixion... from the other side. However, by the time I was ready to go to school, Mum and Dad didn't feel the CofE school had a decent standard of religious education. So off I was sent to a Roman Catholic school. This was really good because it meant I had to deal with two different doctrines at an early age... and it meant I questioned my faith early on.

The priest who officiated the occasional school service was a staunch believer in the ideology that "All protestants will burn in hell!!!" I sometimes wonder what he made of me? I always used to go and talk to the boys who'd been serving, and used to talk openly about God with him, and them.

Secondary school was a little different. Again, it was roman catholic, but the priest was totally different. I'd quite often go to confession, but seeing as I wasn't catholic I couldn't confess, so I just had the odd theological chat. By the end of school, the two best R.E. students were me (the Anglican, and another guy was an atheist. There's got to be some irony there.

Now, I'd say at that time, I was religious in the christian sense... but I wouldn't say my faith had become alive yet. In fact, so keen was I to protect my beliefs, I purposely made myself the school clown. I forced people to stay at arms length, because I wanted them to like me, but not love me. I really wish I hadn't done that, because it helped to cut the real me off from other people for a LONG time.

At this time, I was going to a local youth fellowship, and the free and more emotional worship was beginning to have an effect on me, but as yet I couldn't understand what changes that was bringing about within me. I think the first major step was in 1989 during the Billy Graham mission to the UK. I think that was the first time i had a real full understanding that Christianity was not man's attempt to find God, but God's mission to redeem man. Before then I'd probably have been convinced that my works on their own counted for something. I was a bit of a pharisee at school. I talked some of the things that bothered me, over with a counsellor... but most of it I spoke to God about alone (one good thing that came out of my isolationism, is that I tended to communicate with God a lot). The important thing though was that after that I started to listen to Him as well.

In 1991, upon leaving school I became quite depressed, for one reason or another (you don't really need to be burdened with that). It was during that year that after being pelted with eggs and repeatedly told to "Shut Up!", that I had a bit of a breakdown. It was then that i finally realised that the Christian walk is not one to be undertaken in your own strength. There were a few special moments that day, but my outlook for the future had changed somewhat, and the most important thing was that it started to make me more open... to start letting people into my heart... that is something that has gathered momentum in recent years.

Since then, I've made some foolish mistakes, foolish pride and shame made them last longer than they should have. However, I believe that whatever I'd done with my life, I would have ended up at the same point by about July 2003. I really feel, that the first part of my life has been a kind of "playtime" and now the real stuff begins. In some ways I don't think the Nick Payne of any year till about 2000 would recognise the Nick Payne of today. I'm a different creature. I wonder how many of my friends would make the same distinction about the changes in me?

I've changed churches a couple of times, and my role in the church and indeed the Church, has started to become much more involved. There is no feeling on earth like speaking and knowing your God is with you, or seeing something new revealed to you by God in a powerful way. I really believe we are living in exciting times... we are on the cusp of something big and wonderful. My strongest desire, is that the people around me don't miss out on God's promises.

That brings us up to the present day I think. I'll have to do something more light hearted now, because that was a mega heavy entry!

Blessings to you all!

Nick

Emotional Security and Wellbeing

There are those who believe that at this precise point in time, I should really be feeling like one of the following:

OK, yeah I've invested a lot of time in building up somebody else's emotional and spiritual well being, and yes I did become emotionally interested, only to be firstly treated like a romantic yo-yo, and eventually left out in the cold, but do you know what? With God on-board, even the most mortal blows can sometimes seem like a pin-prick.

It's either that, or I'm just getting to a point in life where I can handle being treated like crud, in a mature and adult fashion.

You see, when you write a note saying how you feel about somebody (who already knows from the times you've told them), what do you do when you get a mixed reaction? Well in response to my message, I was completely blanked the following day... and yet on Tuesday morning, you get a note in the post admitting they've been backing off but they still want to be good friends, what would you do?

I personally decided that actions speak louder than words, and I called time on it. You see, it's quite possible, when she's finished chasing her rainbows that she'll come back and do the same thing again. It's not healthy for her to do that, and it certainly isn't healthy for me to let her do it to me.

Do any of you remember the film Apollo 13? There's a bit in that film when two of the astronauts come over from the LEM to join Kevin Bacon's character in the capsule. There is a big yellow post it note saying "NO!" on it. He wrote that because he was getting scared and thought he might freak out and blow the others into space yo save his own hide. Well that's how I'm treating this. What happened on Sunday was rude, and out of order, and I will completely back off now because of that. It's conceivable that if this friendship survives, it will take time to heal. But I'm keeping the note I received, and I'll tell you why... it's my "NO" sticker. If she comes to me now, having changed her mind... the door is shut.

I am free.

I'm not bitter at all about this, in fact I'm surprised at how quickly I've recovered. However I will maintain a safe distance from her.

But now the fun begins... no single er lets say 22-31 woman in Christendom (solid faith in Christ required) is safe now.

All joking aside, I'm back... and it's about time!

N