Terminators Have It Easy

Lately I've been pondering the frustration caused by the lack of "surface information" available to me in daily life. This is a general thing but I must confess that it probably has a specific root... 

Girls.

Being flesh and blood and heterosexual in nature, from time to time I find myself encountering what I perceive as beauty and being drawn inexorably in by it  (oh come on... how many times has it happened before and I've blogged on it here).

Most men would just go with the internal girly whirly detector in their head... however, I am not most men. I find that I don't have the luxury of just going with my instincts.

Annoyingly.

You see there are two important things you need to know about me in respect of this. The first thing, is that psychologically and emotionally, I find it a little too easy to fall in love... don't ask me why it is... it just is. The second thing you need to know is that I recognise the need for spiritual responsibility and accountability in my own life both with regard to myself and to others.

If I commit myself to a romantic cause of of action (however innocuous), in the past it generally hasn't taken me too long to get in over my head... and I find myself caught in a tug of war between the giants of romantic love and spiritual well-being.

What happens when an irresistible force hits an unmoveable object?

If I go out with someone who doesn't put similar stock in their ethics and beliefs, one of two things (usually both in tides and seasons, depending on how long things pan out)eventually happens:

1. I get emotionally attached and conflicted and tend to get melancholic, miserable and spiritually ineffective.
    
2. The other person can't cope with the importance I put on my faith and it becomes a source of friction and argument.

Having this knowledge makes it a great burden for me to carry. I am naturally more acutely aware of it at this time of year as all my hormones tend to kick into overdrive as we emerge from winter.

In fact there are potentially as many as 4 girls (5 if you include Fliss Walton's appearance in this Halifax advert), who I semi regularly run into who catch my eye in this manner... but for the reasons stated above, I won't do anything about it.

When I get thinking like this, I start to think how easy life could be if we were all like the Terminator. No, I don't mean that I'd like us all to be pathological cyborg killing machines. I'm referring to "Terminator Vision"...

Imagine how much simpler the dating game would be if you could just walk into a bar or town square, scan the individuals there... and be presented with a list of pointers with regard to "surface" compatibility with those people (just pointers mind... nothing should take away from the fun and stimulation that comes from getting to know a person one to one).  Oh and before you ask... another essential divergence from the Terminator films - we shouldn't have to walk into those places naked in the first instance lol.

If the word "Christian" popped up on any one of those girls heads while scanning.... I'd lock on and totally go for it... but as it stands I'm somewhat of a reluctant hermit.

In fact, whilst I may be joking... we potentially in the future may have this very ability. Advances in the field of augmented reality are bearing fruit along these lines. Last month I read this article in the Guardian. I was particularly drawn to this segment: 

"A prototype application demonstrated at the Mobile World Congress in Barcelona in February took things a little further again. Point the phone at a person and if it can find their details, it will pull them off the web and attach details – their Twitter username, Facebook page and other facts – and stick them, rather weirdly, into the air around their head (viewed through your phone, of course)."

Naturally whilst this is exactly the kind of technological advancement I need to overcome my ethical romantic problems... I recognise that the issues of privacy and data protection are immensely important and perhaps this needs to be thought through a bit before we start walking down that road.

Until then, I guess I'm stuck trying to work this out by developing telepathic powers.

In Search of Ithaca

I recently took part in a personality quiz on Facebook entitled "Which Work of Literature are You?"

The result did not come as any surprise to me at all. My answers most closely associated my personality with The Odyssey by Homer:

Life is an epic journey. It exists only to challenge you, so that you might prove through overcoming incredible obstacles your worthiness to yourself, your loved ones, and your God(s). Trial and Tribulation is the name of the game, and you won't ever stop until you reach the promised land.

As I said, it didn't surprise me. It sums up how I often feel about things. It's the same reason why I've always (even since childhood) been drawn to stuff like Battlestar Galactica (both versions) and even why I'm more tolerant of Voyager than most Trek fans.

I really relate to tales where a major character is alienated or isolated from the people and dreams they hold dear... and is forced to fight insurmountable odds to achieve nothing more glorious than the right to get home.

Whether they wine and dine, fight their own personal battles against oppressive forces, or count their wealth and blessings in their vast treasure stores... the other kings and queens of Greece do so from the relative luxury of home and have plenty of contact with the other kings and queens...

I have fought their Trojans on many occasions... but when my trials come, many of them either cannot tell when I'm all at sea, are unable to do anything to assist... or simply do not care about my fate (except when it is intertwined with their own).

I'm still searching for Ithaca. Sometimes I make good progress, other days I end up in a right pickle... onwards I go nonetheless.

In my mind I have of late pictured myself as a tall ship sat on a windless ocean. I am sat waiting for a sudden gust or a gentle to send me off somewhere... anywhere but I have neither direction or power... I seem quite depleted of personal resolve.

Periodically I go through times when I tend to struggle with the reality of my circumstances... or should I say the reality of my lack of circumstances. At these times I look around me and reason that I am all alone... save for the company of God.

I truly believe these times are an attack against me... the enemy seems to disrupt me the most by isolating me from other Christians. He uses the perceived injustice of my position... and the emotional mistreatment/neglect of people I have known to cripple me and lay me low.

I once heard a man preach that our relationship with God is like a table on four legs - prayer, studying the word, worship and fellowship. Take one of those legs away and the table wobbles a bit... take two away and it gets ropey. The argument is that as the elements that make up a healthy relationship with Christ disappear from your life, the more unstable and rocky your faith becomes.

The first leg that always gets clobbered in my case is that of Fellowship.

I felt really despondent the other day, but there was a glimmer of light at the end of it.

I finished work feeling entirely fed up and exhausted....and wanted to o straight home and veg out. However I was very conscious of wanting to spend time with God and I knew if I headed home I'd either plonk myself in front of the computer or hit the sofa and shut myself off.

So I made a concerted effort to go to church.

As I drew near, I noticed that the door was open (unusual given it's rural location), yet nobody was there. Even though the truth is that it was probably merely left that way by the previous visitor, it nonetheless lifted my spirits and made me feel welcome. After a short time of prayer and bible study I headed home feeling somewhat better than I had that day.

As I made my way back down the path, thought back to the open door and I heard the reassuring words:

"My door is always open for you Nick."

So I'm still out there looking for my Ithaca... but I have the best ally in the universe to aid me in my voyage... and something tells me that the wind isn't that far away. The symbolism of the door being open,and the words put on my heart reminded me of a certain passage:

"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."

Revelation 3:7-8

It's Nothing Personal

A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with a friend about the way I handle some of the injustices I see in the world around me.

He pointed out that I always take it personally, I always make it about my own issues with life. I believe this a form of what many psychologists would call transference.

It permeates so many of my attitudes in both personal encounters and international politics. It is both a strength and a weakness. It is the former because it reflects empathy, which I believe lies at the heart of loving your neighbour as yourself. However it is also a weakness because if left unchecked, it puts you at the centre of things... which isn't healthy. It also leaves me exposed to attack.

Many years ago, my parents were once told by my art teacher, that I had a very powerful imagination... but that I had a tendency to act without focus, I let my raw emotions and imagination control what I put down on paper. It was a strength because I conveyed powerful themes, it was a weakness because there was so much going on, so many ideas flowing onto the empty paper in front of me; that it was hard to understand the message that was at the heart of my work.

Sometimes more is less and less is more.

It's one thing to be passionate, it's quite another to be reckless and utterly governed by your emotions... and when I see injustices in other people's lives, I am often governed by my emotions.

Conversely when it comes to acting on behalf of myself, I find myself confined by procrastination and inaction.

I need to find balance and refinement.

In my favourite sequence from the film Highlander, Connor (Christopher Lambert) is being taught by Ramirez (Sean Connery). He is taught among many things, that if he overextends his thrust, he becomes off balance and vulnerable. This is exactly what happens with me. when I become emotionally attached to a topic. I throw my weight so readily into the battle, that I leave myself wide open. Sure I score a few mighty blows against what I'm facing... but I'm clumsy and I take a heck of a beating in response.

Ramirez teaches Connor that he must learn to harness his power.

This is something I need to do also.... under God's direction.

I can't go on being all or nothing. I can't just move from procrastination to nuclear assault and back again. I need to be passionate but measured.

Roger Morris once advised me that if I was not careful, I ran the risk of living my life defined by others... and he's right. I need to take on board what my friend said about taking things personally... but I must not assume I am completely wrong... because I am not my friend... I am me. My role and purpose in life is not identical to his. I must not allow myself to be made in the image of others. God has a shape in mind for the man I am to become and it's not the shape of any one person I know.

After all, "love your neighbour as yourself" is the SECOND greatest commandment. The FIRST is to "love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength". We need to make sure that God is at the centre and not ourselves, or anyone else.

Jesus had the complete human emotional experience... but never once did any one of those emotions overrule the most important emotion of all... love for the Father.

I intend to touch more on the subject of being defined by others"in the near future. For now though I want to leave you with this thought:

Listen to your friends, and heed their advice, but don't make pleasing them the heart of what you do. Don't lose sight of who and what God called you to be. You can serve your friends and yourself better by making sure God remains at the centre of things. I'm not talking religion here, I'm not talking about merely obeying what your vicar or pastor says... I'm not talking about surrendering your emotions to doctrine like a robot.I'm talking about taking your emotions and thoughts to God and engaging with him on these things. A relationship with God is not about rejecting your emotions and passions... it's about embracing them in the context of his will.

Feral

I'm sorry that I've been absent for some time.

I'm not that productive at this time of year, I really do struggle. I somehow think I'm supposed to hibernate from the end of October to the end of February.

Do you think I could persuade my doctor to sign me off sick with "hibernation"?

It's got to be worth giving it a go!

Can you imagine? A quarter of a year off work spent in bed because the Doctor says you have a justifiable medical need for it.

Anyway aside from all this, I've found myself in a bit of a wild state. It seems that apart from trying to fend off the lethargy that comes during the winter months, I'm getting overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions.

I find this quite strange because I'm sure my head should be winding down from stuff like that now... not cranking it back up!

Perhaps it doesn't work like that. Maybe we don't fade up and down with the seasons... perhaps we hit erratic highs and lows while we slow down in Winter or speed up in Spring.

All I know is that at the moment I'm really sensitive to stuff.... positive and negative. It's not leading me anywhere dodgy or bad.... but it's there all the same, my feral side - the part of me that reacts instinctively to the situations and emotions I'm presented with, and pays no heed to any ideas of analysis or procrastination I might normally subscribe to.

Oh well, I'm just going to enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts and milk it for all it's worth.

God bless

N

Personality Check

I'd forgotten that some time ago, I had joined Youniverse, a website that enables you to assess your personality by choosing images in response to questions that are posed within online quizzes.

Having been away from it for some time, I was drawn back by a recent feature on BBC's Webscape programme on their website. Well it wasn't long before I got hooked into having a go and I was seriously surprised to see that some of my attitudes that have been subtly changing over the past year or so... are really beginning to shine through. Here are some of my results:

The Priorities of Change and Connection.

Recently I've succumbed to a dawning realisation that Christians as people (and I of course include myself in this analysis), are too easily swayed by the things that we are emotionally attached to.

What I mean by that, is that we find it so easy to make changes in lifestyle for the tangible... yet when God asks us to make some kind of alteration ton the way we live out our lives... suddenly the temptation to become emotionally tightfisted, hovers ominously overhead.

It's all the more easier when you have empathic qualities... because it is then, that you seek out connection with others. Don't get me wrong here, empathy is a really great strength and blessing... but as with most strengths it carries with it an Achilles Heel. The weakness is that in seeking out connections, we can allow ourselves to embrace things that don't really fit who we are as an individual. I guess it's a bit like having a jigsaw puzzle with a few pieces from a different puzzle thrown in. The pieces might even physically fit... but the picture on the front is different to the rest of the puzzle.

This isn't to say of course that we shouldn't allow diversity to culture growth in our relationships with others... but we mustn't sell out on ourselves so easily. We shouldn't give up the things we care about, that matter to us or interest us... just because someone new comes along who doesn't really like them. Neither should we worry if we aren't interested in the things that other people are all the time. We are who we are... we don't belong to others, we belong to God.

If we allow ourselves to become enamoured and swayed by things other people say and do... without offering at least the same privileges to the one who created us and purchased us with his Son; isn't that idolatry?

If we allow people to change us, or if we allow their interests or companionship to rule us at the expense of our relationship with God... or at the cost of the identity he has given us (and I'm not only talking of the new identity we are given when we become a new person in Christ, but also generally just the individual character he has blessed us with), then we do sell out and become idolaters.

Don't let yourselves get robbed blind by an overwhelming need to fit in. Have faith that in this universe you do have a place and time, and there are people that God designed you to fit in with. Who cares if your superficial interests aren't to everyone's taste? As long as God's cool with it, sing your song - the song he set in your heart when he designed you.

That's what he made you for!

Unlearning

"You must unlearn what you have learned."

Yoda - Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

On several blogs in the past,I have explored the issue of conformity. I didn't just talk about the need of Christians to avoid conforming to the pattern and nature of this world, I looked at it in terms of personal development - for myself and for anyone else reading these pages who might benefit from my musings.

There were times when I'd told you of my exasperation at being the odd one out... about how I felt different to the people around me (even Christians), how my natural instincts were frowned on and I felt a great strain to comply with certain social expectations.

At the moment things feel very different from the stark days of last March. During the past year and a half I have found myself able (by God's grace) to close the book on a few situations that were burdening me and causing me distress. It's not to say the situations have necessarily been resolved... but God has taught me to unlearn how I react to them.

Much more important than this though, I have discovered over time that as different as I am from most around me, I have discovered individuals dotted around here and there who I share similarities with... I am nowhere near as alone as I might have once thought. I am not the lone man on the train who sees everyone partying on another train on the other side of the tracks. I have wandered down a couple of carriages and discovered plenty of parties of my own. I think my original issues may have come from living in a fairly insular community. It's been the act of branching out and meeting people from further afield over a course of a couple of years, that has gradually made me realise this. This in turn gave me the confidence to accept that I don't need to become a clone of the Christians around me if I want to fit in. I have found I can totally be myself and be accepted for all my quirks.

Naturally over time, this has led me to feel a little like a fish out of water in my own surroundings. I certainly feel a lot less bound to my town than I used to be... and I have to strongly consider whether in fact God is preparing me for something as yet unrevealed. Many years ago, whilst in prayer I had a vision of an eagle stripping it's nest... preparing it's young for flight. Could it be that God is preparing me for an entirely new phase in my walk with him?

Visual DNA (Nick jumps on the bandwagon)

I'm afraid I couldn't resist having ago, so I clicked on a few images and do you know what? It was pretty close to the mark. It's a lot of fun and it has a few good ideas, especially when it comes to shopping for gifts. Even if you aren't into that, having your personality represented in a few snapshots is quite a cute thing in itself.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Here endeth another light hearted post by Nick.

Where Do I Go Now?

Very recently I have struggled with a situation that has burdened me greatly. Very recently I've grown fond of someone, but because of trying to stay faithful to the Lord... I did not act upon it. That totally tore me in two. I was involved in an activity that meant being focussed on God, and that means it's inappropriate to use that time to further other agendas... at least that is what it means for me.

On Friday I was in a worship session and I was quite literally reduced to tears as God hit me with a Bible verse...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

The first part of that sentence cut me deep, because that is EXACTLY how I have felt for months. I think God was helping me express my feelings on this matter.

I was especially moved, because I had suffered by holding back. I think God was acknowledging this and speaking to my heart.

However, now the context is appropriate... I want to try and press on. How do I do this? How can I reconnect and tell her I'd like to go out for a drink or something... totally out of the blue?

I'm really stuck now, she is a reasonable distance away, I have no obvious reason to call up. My only choices are to trust in the prayers of myself and my friends. Maybe it was just a test and God has someone better out there for me... who knows? All I know is I would bend over backwards, move Heaven and Earth if it were in my authority... just to reach out and embrace the slightest chink of warm daylight from her... just to taste a little fulfillment in my hopes.

However, it's not in my authority... it's in God's. The one thing I won't do (or at least don't INTEND to do), is disobey Him with respect to this.

I looked up the proverbs verse in the amplified version of the bible, it read like this:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

That version gives me the most encouragement because it draws a connection between the deferred hope and the fulfilled desire. One way or the other I have faith that god is going to bless this area of my life. How - I don't know, when - I don't know, who - I don't know (but I do wish with all my heart at present it's the same person, they are both faithful to God and a joy to behold).

God is good. What will he do?

Personality Profile - INFJ

We were chatting personality profiles at work today. It seems after answering about 100 questions, I am according to Meyer Briggs what is known in the trade as an INFJ... which apparently is a rare thing.

The scarey thing is, looking at the points in every aspect... the assessment is pretty much bang on!

INFJ Strengths

• Warm and affirming by nature
• Dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship
• Sensitive and concerned for others' feelings
• Usually have good communication skills, especially written
• Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
• Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
• Good listeners
• Are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they're sure it's over)

INFJ Weaknesses

• Tendency to hold back part of themselves
• Not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities
• Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
• Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
  

If you are interested in reading up more on this profile you can take a gander at these pages:

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ_rel.html
http://typelogic.com/infj.html
http://keirsey.com/personality/nfij.html

I'm also really inspired by the historical people who fit the character... they are excellent dudes!