In Search of Ithaca

I recently took part in a personality quiz on Facebook entitled "Which Work of Literature are You?"

The result did not come as any surprise to me at all. My answers most closely associated my personality with The Odyssey by Homer:

Life is an epic journey. It exists only to challenge you, so that you might prove through overcoming incredible obstacles your worthiness to yourself, your loved ones, and your God(s). Trial and Tribulation is the name of the game, and you won't ever stop until you reach the promised land.

As I said, it didn't surprise me. It sums up how I often feel about things. It's the same reason why I've always (even since childhood) been drawn to stuff like Battlestar Galactica (both versions) and even why I'm more tolerant of Voyager than most Trek fans.

I really relate to tales where a major character is alienated or isolated from the people and dreams they hold dear... and is forced to fight insurmountable odds to achieve nothing more glorious than the right to get home.

Whether they wine and dine, fight their own personal battles against oppressive forces, or count their wealth and blessings in their vast treasure stores... the other kings and queens of Greece do so from the relative luxury of home and have plenty of contact with the other kings and queens...

I have fought their Trojans on many occasions... but when my trials come, many of them either cannot tell when I'm all at sea, are unable to do anything to assist... or simply do not care about my fate (except when it is intertwined with their own).

I'm still searching for Ithaca. Sometimes I make good progress, other days I end up in a right pickle... onwards I go nonetheless.

In my mind I have of late pictured myself as a tall ship sat on a windless ocean. I am sat waiting for a sudden gust or a gentle to send me off somewhere... anywhere but I have neither direction or power... I seem quite depleted of personal resolve.

Periodically I go through times when I tend to struggle with the reality of my circumstances... or should I say the reality of my lack of circumstances. At these times I look around me and reason that I am all alone... save for the company of God.

I truly believe these times are an attack against me... the enemy seems to disrupt me the most by isolating me from other Christians. He uses the perceived injustice of my position... and the emotional mistreatment/neglect of people I have known to cripple me and lay me low.

I once heard a man preach that our relationship with God is like a table on four legs - prayer, studying the word, worship and fellowship. Take one of those legs away and the table wobbles a bit... take two away and it gets ropey. The argument is that as the elements that make up a healthy relationship with Christ disappear from your life, the more unstable and rocky your faith becomes.

The first leg that always gets clobbered in my case is that of Fellowship.

I felt really despondent the other day, but there was a glimmer of light at the end of it.

I finished work feeling entirely fed up and exhausted....and wanted to o straight home and veg out. However I was very conscious of wanting to spend time with God and I knew if I headed home I'd either plonk myself in front of the computer or hit the sofa and shut myself off.

So I made a concerted effort to go to church.

As I drew near, I noticed that the door was open (unusual given it's rural location), yet nobody was there. Even though the truth is that it was probably merely left that way by the previous visitor, it nonetheless lifted my spirits and made me feel welcome. After a short time of prayer and bible study I headed home feeling somewhat better than I had that day.

As I made my way back down the path, thought back to the open door and I heard the reassuring words:

"My door is always open for you Nick."

So I'm still out there looking for my Ithaca... but I have the best ally in the universe to aid me in my voyage... and something tells me that the wind isn't that far away. The symbolism of the door being open,and the words put on my heart reminded me of a certain passage:

"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."

Revelation 3:7-8

Shelling Out

So it looks like Shell's tanker fleet of lorries will be crippled by a strike in little over 54 hours.

The Government has been very quick to step in and urge us all not to panic buy... everything will be OK they promise.

Not likely.

Simple fact, even if they can ensure there's enough fuel for the duration of the strike... the simple fact is that demand will increasingly outweigh supply, irrespective of panic buying. There may well be enough fuel to go round, but it's going to get progressively expensive.

So do you really think I'm going to sit around and wait for that to happen?

Nope. I had half a tank full, which would probably just last me to the end of the strike... the point where I suspect it'll be the most expensive. So as soon as I got out of work, I shot down the road and pulled into the local 24 hour and filled up. I'm not ashamed to admit it... and I advise you to consider doing the same. That should see me through to about the 20th.

I think drivers are getting pushed to boiling point at the moment. It's very easy to look at drivers in the cities with their "Chelsea Tractors" and say that people should use public transport, but frankly out here in rural/semi rural communities that just isn't an option... and people are being penalised just for trying to get to work on time.

I can see the Government getting into real trouble over this if it doesn't do something to alleviate matters soon. Surely with the price of oil rising, the amount of duty raked in from petrol purchases (the lion's share at circa a whopping 60%), must be phenomenally over the projected amount of revenue in the Budget.

I hate conceitedness and arrogance.. and one way or another the Government's got a bloody nose coming... you can only say "we are listening, we are learning lessons" so many times before people just see you as disingenuous.

This time feels worse than when the public protests took place. Back then, it felt that people were pretty much trying it on. Now however, so many people are openly hurting... because everything they need to buy is going up... and every asset they own is rapidly losing value. I forewarned about a potential political nightmare vision of Britain that I predicted would probably kick off when the "Baby Boom" generation became infirm... I suggested about 15-20 years from now.

However, maybe I was being conservative. With the financial burdens and lack of resources hitting everyone hard, one wonders if we are actually seeing birth pangs.

I'm not a materialist at heart, I know God will provide the things we genuinely need... and I've been blessed for so long... but how many people out there are hurting and don't realise God will not get them sucked into utter oblivion if they but call on him?

You know what? As I type this post... I'm hearing Robin Mark's prayer and the Mandate song "Revival" on my Last FM radio... and it's the message that God is crying out now. He's crying it to the Christians to be ready to pick up those who the World is hurting... and he's crying it to those who the World is hurting... that they might turn and find comfort in his Name.

I hear the voice of one crying...

I hear the voice of one crying...

"Prepare ye... prepare ye the way of the LORD... make His paths straight make straight his paths in the wilderness let his light shine, let his light shine in the darkness and let your rain fall and let your rain fall in this desert."

I can hear that thunder in the distance like a train on the edge of the town, I can feel the brooding of the Spirit - lay your burdens down... lay your burdens down.

Whatever mankind gets us into, God has the power to get us out.

Just Like Us

I promised I'd talk about the BBC's new version of The Passion. If you haven't managed to catch episodes 1 and 2 yet, you should still be able to watch them on BBC's iPlayer if you are quick:

Episode 1

Episode 2

I really do like the way they've portrayed Jesus in this latest adaptation. They haven't kept strictly to the chronology of Christ's ministry (moving earlier teachings into Holy Week), but this is both understandable - filling in the gaps between the "big" events... and also not unbelievable - you can well imagine Jesus would reiterate major parables/messages to new audiences; modern speakers do much the same when they tour. Highlights for me are the way Jesus has interacted with people. I do believe - especially scenes such as the one where Jesus speaks to a prostitute, that they have stayed true to the essence of Jesus' character.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the writers opted to focus on the humanity of Jesus.

I think this was the right choice.

The predominant image of Jesus in western culture, is that of the man with long wavy hair, doe eyes and a serene look on his face. Religious art has often made the mistake of focusing on Christ's divinity at the expense of his humanity. We see in our minds eye this airy fairy image of a man walking on clouds with a halo behind his head... and if we are not careful, it can lend more credence to fantasy than faith.

We have to remember that the strength of the Gospel message lies not just in the truth that Jesus is God... but in the fact that he is also human. One of the names attributed to Christ is Immanuel - God with us. The whole theology of our salvation is founded upon the basis that God was so determined not to be separated from us any more- and knowing that we could not in ourselves do anything to change this, he decided to become one of us. He experienced the joys, the pains, the sorrows, the anger... all those emotions that can be summed up as the human experience. He lost friends and relatives to sickness, death and disagreement... just like us. He loved being around his friends... just like us. He got excited when people understood something that was important to him... just like us. He knew what it was like to be popular, he knew what it was like to be lonely... just like us.

Personally, I don't believe any man comes as close to Jesus in fulfilling the ideals of what makes a man, in Rudyard Kipling's poem, If.

In his ministry, Jesus often referred himself as "the Son of Man". It's a title that occurs frequently in Biblical prophecy. However it also seems to me that whenever Jesus uses the term in respect of himself, he is trying to reaffirm his link to us as humans. The Bible teaches us that Jesus (knowing he was already God), didn't make a big deal about pushing his divinity:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:5-11

Jesus lived as a man not only to sacrifice himself for our sins... but also to teach us how to aspire to live a life that pleases God. We need to remember that Jesus died that we may have life and have it in all it's abundance. We need to remember that abundant life actually comes from obeying the God who loves us. I know for many of you reading this, that a life of obedience may seem slavish... but in truth a life outside of God only carries a deceptive freedom -it still compels us to slavishly obey something or other less worthy than what we were designed for. The book of Galatians teaches us that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Jesus died so that we would have the freedom to reject sin's control of us.

The deal doesn't end there either. We might say that a life like that is too hard... we are bound to fail. But you see that is exactly another reason why Jesus emphasised his humanity:

"For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

Hebrews 2:17-18

You see, in sharing our humanity... Jesus isn't just sympathetic to our struggles, he is empathetic. He understands our trials and tribulations... and he is prepared to support and stand by us right through them.

The question is... are we prepared to do the same for him?

Selwyn to the Rescue! (again)

I've always been astounded at how well my bible notes seem to fit in with where I am on my walk with Christ... particularly when I hit a rough patch. I've been using Every Day With Jesus as a study aid for the past 10 years or so and I am constantly finding myself challenged, encouraged or simply met where I am... through reading the set passage and the accompanying text. The words often seem directly targeted specifically to me, which I find extraordinary... skeptics would say it's just coincidence but I do not believe so - frequency alone disputes that. What is all the more amazing is that the author - Selwyn Hughes, is no longer with us. He passed away two years ago - a faithful servant who is finally receiving his reward in the company of God.

I want to share the latest way in which God has used this man's writing to positively shape me as a person:

In my last post I was feeling quite isolated, I was being painfully reminded that frequently my relationships with other Christians seem pretty one sided. Some friends who I felt should be checking up on me weren't and others had distanced themselves when I sought their company/comfort/advice. As a consequence of this I was tempted... I had a picture in my minds eye of "crossing the road". I almost felt ready to walk in my faith towards God on the other side, away from others - same direction... but without having to put up with people who just want me around for their own benefit. This I realise would have been the wrong course of action... but not being in a rational mindset, it didn't stop me feeling the way I did. I also felt like I'd been blindsided and taken a lot of flak.

Then I caught up with my bible notes and they had this to say:

The spiritual journey is not one that we are meant to walk alone. God intends us to travel in the company of other people. For some this is a wonderful arrangement; for others it is not so wonderful. People can be helpful or they can be hurtful; they can bless us or they can blister us. Over the years I have met many people who have been hurt by other Christians. Sadly, in recent years we have frequently heard the term "friendly fire". Have you ever been hit by a form of "friendly fire"? It is the flak we take from our own side. It is the misguided missile that lands right in our own hearts. People have admitted to me that they have been hurt more by the church than they ever have been by the world. As we have seen from the psalm we have read today (Psalm 41:1-13), King David knew this pain, and Jesus quoted this verse when he said, "He who shares my bread has lifted his heel against me" (John 13:18). The question we must start to think about is how do we deal with relationships, because the way we deal with difficult relationships will determine whether we advance or retreat on the journey of life. Some people live by the words of Ernest Hemingway, who said, "We have to distrust each other; it is our only defence against betrayal." God does not call us to live in distrust, but to live by faith in Jesus Christ. we are disciples of the One who knows what it is to be betrayed. And through his grace we can be victors not victims.

That my friends... was a timely word.

It reminded me of a story I once heard about a man who had stopped going to church. His concerned vicar visited him a few weeks later and asked if everything was OK. The man responded that he was fine, he had a relationship with Jesus... but he didn't feel he needed the Church. The vicar said nothing. Now it was a cold winter's night and they were sat in front of a roaring open coal fire. The vicar reached for the tongs and plucked a burning coal from the fire... placing it on the hearth. Very soon, the coal grew dim and went out. A week later the man was back in church.

Now I wasn't planning on going AWOL from Church, but I was considering distancing myself from some people whose friendship had felt unbalanced and pretty unrequited. I soon took the hint though. Especially when in yesterday's notes, Selwyn made reference to the writings of D. Broughton Knox who believed that the members of the Trinity focus on one another and the Church rather than their own identity within the Trinity... and that as Christians this is how we too should operate.

It made me realise that while I can't do anything about how other Christians choose to behave towards me, I shouldn't be giving myself reasons to "shut up shop" around them. I'm needed even if I'm not always wanted.

It's strange... but since reading that and having a couple of conversations, since rejecting the current temptation of isolationism, things have begun to calm down. It is not the first time I have been tempted in this way and I am convinced it certainly won't be the last. It seems very important to the Enemy to keep me at arms length from God's people... these things happen so intensely it makes me wonder if it is important to God in terms of my calling... perhaps a conversation for another time.

I have to say how grateful I am to the ministry of Selwyn Hughes. I never met him in this life... but I'll be sure to thank him for his service to God in the next!

Bad Questions

I've been pondering.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you knew if you asked a question, you would get an answer that would irritate/upset you... and stick in your craw? In fact you would know the very answer that would come back to you. Going on from that have you found yourself being inexorably drawn into asking that very question regardless anyway?

I've done this very thing recently. Why do you suppose we do it? I can't believe I'm the only person who would do it... or is it just me after all?

I think it's a combination of things that leads us to act in this manner. Firstly I think we want to be proven wrong... we ask the question knowing full well what we expect the answer to be and we want to be surprised and not disappointed. Perversely our flawed human nature also wants us to be proven right and provokes us to ask the question just so our subconscious can say:

"Well? What did you expect?!"

I think the worst thing is that I don't necessarily disagree with the answer given... I just find it extremely hard to believe that same answer is something that is applicable to myself - no matter how hard I wish it were so... in fact given the way I am as a person... I think I actually need it to be so.

You see I kind of feel back in that place where every other Christian on planet Earth seems to get everything given to them on a silver platter... and I'm just the neglected butler in an "Upstairs Downstairs" Christian world.

I know that isn't what is going on... it just seems that way - I do appreciate that everybody gets their fair share of trouble.

Part of what reinforces that false idea I have, is the attitude of many who seem to see me as subordinate to them and only talk to me when they want something... very rarely do they contact me as a person. I think this is why the Martin Luther King quote I spoke of yesterday has remained in my mind so solidly. I'm not so much bothered by the things in life that beset me... I am far more bothered by some friends apparent indifference. They perceive me purely as an asset.

I'm not.

I'm a living human being with a heart that beats just as firmly as theirs... sometimes more so.

I'm also an equal partner in the kingdom and I'm not a "newbie". I don't appreciate it when people talk down to me or lecture me. I am fed up with "one upmanship". We are supposed to be building one another up as a body... not competing and jostling for position like the pharisees did when they tried to trap Jesus with "superior" theology.

This is the first time in a good while I've felt able to get this off my chest. Until now I'd kept a lot of this fairly private... but I want to wrestle with this openly now. Sometimes you just have to come about and tack into the wind and face down what is coming at you...

... and I'm through running.

Dragonslaying

Happy St. George's Day everyone... today is England's national day! An occasion suppressed by political correctness, but never forgotten. Nor should it be, lest fascist bully boys claim it as their own.

Most people in Britain know some part of St. George's story. Much of it is steeped in myth and knightly fantasies concerning the rescue of helpless maidens from the jaws of dragons. He was born in Palestine and served as a tribune under the anti-Christian emperor Diocletian. It was the time that was known as "The Great Persecution". A time when some statistics suggest an average of 17,000 Christians were killed a month. The reason George was initially canonised was because of his opposition to Diocletian's policy. He openly protested against the murder of Christians in Libya and was numbered among them in martyrdom. Slain by the Empire he had spent a lifetime serving... and yet welcomed into a Kingdom that would continue beyond the span of Rome's life... stretching into eternity.

Anyway, that's enough of a voyage into Jackanory territory!

At Church today, we looked at Thomas and his moment of doubt. Poor old Thomas... he gets such a bad press. Everyone forgets he was one of the hardcore of Jesus' followers... the one disciple who suggested the others should go up to Jerusalem to die for Jesus. It must have been hard for him. All of his close friends had seen the risen Christ... Thomas was the first person to be asked to accept the facts without having seen them firsthand. It's possible Thomas had seen Jesus die, because he had knowledge of the spearing of Christ's side (although that could have been related to him with the others by John or Mary). Either way he was pretty upset... and then to cap it all off, his mates start acting off their heads or play some cruel joke by pretending his best friend was alive and risen. If I were Thomas I would be pretty angry. I'd probably want to swing for the others over their apparent disrespect.

Of course, with nearly 2,000 years of hindsight we know better. We know that Jesus had risen.

Thomas made his famous remark about not believing unless he could place his hands in the wounds of Christ. Christ them appeared on the scene in Beadle like fashion and Thomas fell on the floor, astounded by his confrontation with the awesome truth and proclaiming "My Lord and my God!"

I know that moment. I experienced it a couple of weeks ago when I was blessed with my job. Jesus blew apart my perceptions. I prayed before interview and gave it my best shot. i did well... but was beaten. Events like that were par for the course in my previous walk as a Christian. Always giving it my all but just coming up short. However as you may know if you read my earlier blog, the job fell back into my lap again... not by my effort but by God's grace. That was the "My Lord and my God!" moment. God displaying his sovereignty in my life.

So what has this to do with dragonslaying? Well, during my life of toiling against the tide of events... I had naturally grown a negative self image of myself. Fed over time by negativity and misfortune, that tiny creature grew and grew into a behemoth, a leviathan.... a dragon. We all have our inner dragons to slay... and you find them in the strangest of places. some are ever present and oppressive, some only come out at certain times to wreak havoc... other's still are like chamaeleons and blend in with the environment that they invisibly damage. They are like parasites. There is a parasite that when it enters a fish, alters it's nervous system... when all the other fish run away at the sign of danger, the altered fish sits there and waits to be eaten... because that's what the parasite wants. it wants to find it's way into a heron. that is exaclty what our inner dragons do to us. they change our way of thinking and make us act in a way thast is detrimental to our own wellbeing.

Ignore them and they will run amok in your life. Engage them in single combat and they will drain your strength and take away your focus from beneficial things.

Turn them over to God and great things happen.

The recent turn of events in my life has reshaped my attitude to myself and others. I'm not nearly so paranoid or defensive as I was. I'm not afraid of taking a few more risks... and when I do slip up I don't think the sky is falling.

I let God down the other night, because of this I turned up to Church today expecting to not get much out of the service. Instead I was reminded that:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

God is on the prowl in my life. He is riding into battle and taking out my personal demons... one by one. in their place he sows a crop of good things, that even as I speak blossom and shape my attitudes more positively.

If you have dragons... seek the Lord. He will fight for you and you will overcome. do not rely on your own might for:

"I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all." Ecclesiastes 9:11

If you live only by using the tools and weapons that are found under the sun... you are left to time and chance. You might get lucky, but you might come badly unstuck.

Live life above the sun... under the authority and power of God... and those dragons have no power over you.

Want to slay your dragons? Let the Lord unleash his power on them!

blessings

N

Scar Tissue

"You asked me if I have scars? Yessir, I have my scars."
Bill Roberts "Young Guns 2"

This is a little heavy but please bear with me:

It was a month before my second birthday and my mother and I were at my grandmother's bungalow, for a social call. Mum and gran were busy chatting over a cup of tea, whereas I was wandering around exploring and playing like toddlers do.

Suddenly there was a crashing sound and the terrible noise of a child screaming in agony. Mum had taken her eyes off of me for 1 second... a single second; but sometimes a single second is all it takes. I had managed to stray into the kitchen and tipped hot tea on myself. The ambulance was called, I was rushed to hospital and treated for liquid burns to my chest, left forearm and chin. The damage had begun to scab over, but I am told that it was not healing in a correct manner and so the medical staff removed the scabbing and dressed the burns again.

I have no physical memory of this event.

Nor do I have any memory of the countless times following my injury that a district nurse would come round and replace my dressings, while dad locked our normally placid labrador "Saber" in the kitchen in an attempt to stop him from savagely "protecting me" from the woman who always made me cry.

Before these events, I was an outgoing adventurous little boy - I walked and I talked pretty early on in my development... but all that was taken away, the day my accident happened. I had to learn all over again... but this time my nature had changed - I had become very introverted. The doctor told my mother this was not unusual - my confidence was robbed and I was a lot more fearful of consequence. All of this information about my past comes from my mum and dad.

Curiously as I grew up the scars on my chest and arm never bothered me (the one on my chin healed completely), it was only after I had gone through puberty and was at college... and really for the first time became seriously interested in girls, that I suddenly became aware of this blight on my body. Since that time I do my best to stay covered up, I don't walk round in warm weather without a t-shirt on. I take great care to make sure nobody is around when I get changed... and I never go swimming.

Those scars are not the deepest ones... look at those and you look merely at the tip of a large iceberg. Those physical injuries left much deeper, more subtle emotional and psychological injuries. I had picked up a whole load of insecurities and as I grew up, I learned various defences and protective measures that were not good for me. I learned if I played the fool I could keep people at a distance, that I could limit how near they got to me. It was incredibly succesful - I played the world for a fool and got away with it. A friend the other day best described my former attitude by using a Simon & Garfunkel song:

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December;

I am alone,

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I've built walls,

A fortress deep and mighty,

That none may penetrate.

I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

Don't talk of love,

But I've heard the words before;

It's sleeping in my memory.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me;

I am shielded in my armor,

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

It's lies of course.

If you are a rock you feel the deepest pain - loneliness. Someone forged the famous saying that "no man is an island". That man did not know me. I kept everyone on the outside and the scary thing is that they probably never knew it. If anyone was worthwhile I guess I figured they would be able to fight their way into my little enchanted castle. That's not a fair burden to put on people... and if you do, they won't understand what game you are playing and will turn away anyway. They will see the fool on the surface but will not perceive the true person inside.

Gradually as I have walked the line of my personal faith in Christ... he has set me free from the desire to lock myself away in the darkest cuboard. Nowadays I don't live there, but when I am hurt I still run away and hide inside it. Still to this day many people from my past are poisoned by their former attitude to me - and fail to grasp who I am. I am suspicious of many people around me who have "known" me a long time, some of them don't seem to have my best interests at heart.

These things seem pretty much like curses and they need to be broken.

I genuinely want to start challenging the damage that has been done. God didn't design me to be insecure or introverted! When I was born I was a risk taker, I was an extrovert by design. Do you have any idea what it is like to be an extrovert trapped in the body of an introvert? The nearest parallel I can think of is that bit in Robocop where, the hero goes to arrest an official but a mysterious directive blocks him and starts to shut him down. That's what it is like - having some kind of reflex action preventing you from taking even the safest of gambles. I want done with it! I want to be free from the eternal debating that goes on in my mind of what every possible action, reaction and consequence will evolve from my decisions. I want to go out there and be what I'm meant to be - what I know I'm best at... being the man who is not afraid to step out of line for my own personal goals or God's greater glory.

I want to have the courage to just walk up to a girl and strike up a conversation without fear of what may come of it.

I want to step forward in confidence with the things I know... proclaim them and make them known to the people around me for God.

I want to be a little less conscienscous. Not in a bad way - I just don't want to be a doormat anymore. I don't want to run the risk of committing myself to a relationship that is bad for me just because I'm afraid of hurting the other persons feelings. I'm no good to anyone when all my time is taken over one person.

Perhaps it's a little late for New Year's Resolutions... and I'm painfullly aware of the fact I don't even know where to start; but start I must - I can't keep deferring my life. All I know is that I have to trust that God will unlock the necessary doors given time... and I must trust Him. Maybe I can start by reminding myself of some words from a favourite hymn:

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

I have already come.

'Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far

And Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His Word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures.

I'd trust the reliability of God's shield over my personal psychological armour any day. The big question is, do I really have the wisdom to choose it?

Do you?

Hunter, Prey

Have you ever had that feeling where there doesn't seem any doubt that something is out to get you?

I was discussing with a friend of mine, my spiritual journey up until now. We reminisced how my only previous serious relationship had been a millstone for me. How it seemed like a perfectly engineered snare, designed to bring me down and destroy me. You could just say it was happenchance or coincidence... but I'm not a man who believes in coincidences. Like Einstein I do not believe God... nor the forces that dare attempt contend with him, play dice. Everything happens for a reason, just like in chaos theory.... even the seemingly pointless random and/or meaningless events, tragedies and surprises that come upon us are an act of will; all find meaning and fulfillment in the long term, the "bigger" picture.

That relationship WAS a purposely planned trap, I am certain. However despite the trap being sprung; in my case it didn't succeed in destroying me, although it came pretty close to leaving me utterly spent. The door was closed... but the thing about burglars is they always look for another way in:

"I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber."

It was shortly after I became free, that I became aware that a friend of mine was playing off my defences... to satisfy his ego. Let me explain something: when I am highly stressed, I tend to start playing the jester... doing strange surreal things to mask my discomfort. Unfortunately this makes people think I'm a complete lunatic... and they can't see past my brilliant disguise (probably because they are used to it). However, this one friend was particularly good at cultivating that reaction out of me. The same person has messed me about several times and in several different ways when I have tried to make a positive impression around girls... always to benefit his self image at my expense.

I could say that he knows how to push my buttons, knows how to use all my weaknesses against me.... but I seriously doubt he has the intellect to consciously do this. I have therefore concluded that he is being used as a pawn in a deadly game of cat and mouse. I believe the game is still afoot. I'm still being hunted. I feel like I have walked around in a circle and stumbled across the familiar tracks of my adversary. It is as if I have my own personal Loki (Norse god of mischief).

I could get all depressed here and feel miserable because of the oppressive force I feel is working against me... but it's simply not the case. While I have been thinking about these things, I am also reminded that I've had my fair share of "lucky" scrapes. There have been at least 4 times where I could have died as a result of possible or actual car incidents that I walked or drove away unschathed... and despite being in that dodgy relationship I spoke of, I got out of it.

I have mentioned before that I feel I am being "reserved" for a day of God's choosing. He has something for me to do... and the Enemy would do anything to stop me reaching whatever it is I am called to. It's the same for anyone who would follow God.

So I take joy in the fact that whatever is out there working against me... it is held in check by he who protects me The Good Shepherd who calls me to greener pastures - Jesus Christ.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

More than this I am confident that when the time is right, he will not just hold my ground... but claim the Land he has promised me:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

In all our troubles, we often fall into the danger of forgetting God is Sovereign. We must never forget that everything that happens to us as Christians, happens for the glory of God. We also have the assurance from scripture that he will never let us suffer beyond our means to bear whatever befalls us.

You may disagree with this and that's fine. My view of destiny and free will is more complex and "at odds" with both Augustinian and Pelagian theology. Although... I'm just a layman.

We are often transfixed by the problem of Evil. How can Good overcome Evil... when the fruits of Evil are so obviously evident and numerous in this world? I would like to challenge you to look at it another way. It is Evil that is perplexed and confounded by Good. For despite all it's short term victories I am confident that in the long term and most especially the eternal.... Good always prevails. The paragon of this is Jesus Christ himself: when darkness had it's hour and Evil had spent it's complete fury on him resulting in his death... it was not enough. More than this. Evil had not understood that God REQUIRED Evil to utterly spend itself on His Son.... in order that we would not have to pay the price ourselves. In it's short term success, Evil completely missed the point. This is what scripture says:

"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God."

So it is clear:

Evil does not understand Good. Darkness does not understand Light. Light however reveals darkness for what it is and overcomes it. Receive the Light of Christ and in the long term he will enable you to throw off your chains. Pretty soon whatever hunts you.... will become the hunted.

Always remember:

"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world"

Throwing Your Toys Out of the Pram

Recently I've had a couple of conversations about sin and misbehaviour, and how they affect us as christians.

A friend of mine who is a Christian, used to smoke... but after wrestling with it, has finally managed to kick the habit. He doesn't believe that addiction to smoking is just a physical thing. Now, months down the road.... when the physical effects of addiction are totally gone.... he still gets the occasional pang to light up. He believes it is a spiritual stronghold. The only time he gets this temptation is when everything around him is going pear-shaped.

I know exactly what he means... but not for the same reason.

Against all the odds I've never smoked, despite the fact that my parents do (in fact I think my mum smoked during pregnancy - times were different), never had a physical addiction or dependency of any drug. I hardly ever drink alcohol... only having one or two glasses of wine on special ocassions (that's enough to make my legs feel like lead and for me to be a little giddy). However, that does not stop me from having my own rebellious moments. It's the equivalent of what we do as babies, we get upset and do something negative that is pointless or non-beneficial and will upset us all the more... such as throwing our toys out of the pram, just to get our poor parents attention. I believe this is exactly how we treat God.

Maybe you know what I'm talking about. Something goes wrong in your life... and you do something that damages yourself or your relationship with God and/or those near and dear around you. You know you really shouldn't do it, but you know in the sort term it will make you feel better... and yet when the dust settles, the smoke clears and the deed is done... you are immediately convicted of your actions and steel yourself not to do them again.... until the next time.

God is so gracious.

Despite our wretchedness, despite our rebellious nature; he still loves us and wants the best for us. The book of Hebrews comes down pretty heavy on sinning deliberately once we have recieved God's grace. Yet Paul and John in there works point out both the need to refrain from sin... but also the recognition that we still do it. Listen to what John writes:

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. (1 John 1:8-10)

Paul also makes the following statements:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. (Romans 7:15-25)

and

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law. (Galatians 5:16-18)

Moving on and I want to look at one more curious thing that Paul wrote:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-11)

Paul was given a "thorn in the flesh" a messenger from Satan to torment him. Some scholars think it may have been a physical affliction... but others think it may have been Paul's own struggle with sin. Lets just consider that for a moment. What did God say to Paul? "My grace is sufficient for you." So God recognises us in our struggles and has mercy upon us. Ho wonderful is he? He offers us the way out - Life by the Spirit.

As I've said before... running away from sin is not enough... we must run to the Lord. Even this in itself is not enough, we need to learn ro run using the strength God gives us:

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

I just want to conclude by pointing out (whoever you are) that God says:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Update on My Previous Post

In my last entry I told you that I felt slightly bothered that no matter how hard I try, my finances keep getting knocked back to square one (this also seems true of any advances in the area of relationships).

I thought further on this throughout the day and came to several possible conclusions:
That I am being disciplined for my past behaviour in both relationships and finance.
That some kind of oppression/curse is causing problems
Or that God is keeping me in place until the time is right.
I'm more inclined to think the latter, but I think that I need to pray about this... I also would appreciate other people praying.

After I published my last blog, I cam across the following scripture:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

This would seem to back theory 3. I don't think this will be permanent, in my last blog I mentioned the verse about repaying the year of the locust. That comes just before a prophetic blessing where God promises to pour out his Spirit on all his people. As this relates to a vision that is held for my church, I believe that when the time is right... all the doors will be opened.

Rob thinks that maybe I have been put in this position to stop me gallivanting off into the sunset... chasing down my dreams away from where he wants me.

I have to admit, while I don't mind waiting on him for all my deepest hopes... I would appreciate a deposit in the area of relationships. I just don't feel the church is going to receive these blessings for a few years (though I hope I'm wrong), and that's a long time to be in the relationship desert. I mean it's not like he's just going to go bang and make someone want to marry me on the spot! These things take time. Though I am sitting here and chilling out for now... (it ain't my number one priority) if desire and opportunity come knocking I might not feel inclined to pass it up (it is probably my number 2/3 priority). Does this really mean God is going to scupper any advance I make on any girl?

Think I'm just going to play it by ear. The old joke about the guy trapped on a roof who asked God to save him keeps springing to mind.

Whatever happens, He is good. I'm going to pray on this... I'd appreciate anybody else's too!

Tomorrow I'm going to be a lot lighter, I intend to cover the St. Nicholas Day Parade in Alcester. If you want to come along, drop me a line!

God bless

N

Where Do I Go Now?

Very recently I have struggled with a situation that has burdened me greatly. Very recently I've grown fond of someone, but because of trying to stay faithful to the Lord... I did not act upon it. That totally tore me in two. I was involved in an activity that meant being focussed on God, and that means it's inappropriate to use that time to further other agendas... at least that is what it means for me.

On Friday I was in a worship session and I was quite literally reduced to tears as God hit me with a Bible verse...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

The first part of that sentence cut me deep, because that is EXACTLY how I have felt for months. I think God was helping me express my feelings on this matter.

I was especially moved, because I had suffered by holding back. I think God was acknowledging this and speaking to my heart.

However, now the context is appropriate... I want to try and press on. How do I do this? How can I reconnect and tell her I'd like to go out for a drink or something... totally out of the blue?

I'm really stuck now, she is a reasonable distance away, I have no obvious reason to call up. My only choices are to trust in the prayers of myself and my friends. Maybe it was just a test and God has someone better out there for me... who knows? All I know is I would bend over backwards, move Heaven and Earth if it were in my authority... just to reach out and embrace the slightest chink of warm daylight from her... just to taste a little fulfillment in my hopes.

However, it's not in my authority... it's in God's. The one thing I won't do (or at least don't INTEND to do), is disobey Him with respect to this.

I looked up the proverbs verse in the amplified version of the bible, it read like this:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

That version gives me the most encouragement because it draws a connection between the deferred hope and the fulfilled desire. One way or the other I have faith that god is going to bless this area of my life. How - I don't know, when - I don't know, who - I don't know (but I do wish with all my heart at present it's the same person, they are both faithful to God and a joy to behold).

God is good. What will he do?

A Close Shave

I’ve had a very narrow escape. On Friday night, I was considering going to a night out at one of the local pubs with a few friends from my old Fellowship… that will not be happening now. Last night, I was texting a few people with regard to the spectacular and extraordinary Liverpool victory in the Champion’s League final (whilst simultaneously taking yet another opportunity to poke fun at Man Utd.)

The person organising the Friday event telephoned me over a misunderstanding about the game. While doing so, he asked me if I was coming on Friday and told me who else was. There’s only about four others going, and one of them is the girl who caused me trouble over the New Year.

She was the one who dithered and swung to and fro for months as to whether or not she wanted to be a friend or have a relationship, backing off when I advanced and advancing whenever I backed off.

Really, whether she was aware of this consciously or not. All she was treating me as was an “inbetweener”. She was using me as a prop until the next guy came along. A lot of girls want to have their cake and eat it. She wanted someone who was a physical type, who was a bit of a bad lad, but also strong in faith… in that order! Yet every time she has gone down that road before, she has been used or tossed away like an oily rag. I was trying to teach her another way of living, and at first it seemed to be working. However, the pull of her past actions was too great and she played to her previous form.

It came to a head, when I basically laid my cards on the table in a letter. She knew how I felt, if she wanted to be a friend… I’d be a friend, but if she was to go out with me properly, the time for messing about was over… the time for a decision was now.

Whichever road she’d have taken I would have freely accepted. Yet the next time we saw each other, she made the fatal mistake of blanking me completely. No real friend does that. So when a note came through the post saying she wanted to be just friends, I cut loose. I was being used, and that was completely unacceptable. I am glad I have moved on (several times actually).

I suppose one of the reasons I felt so strongly about this, is that I had become a mentor to her. So I actually felt betrayed by someone I regarded as my student (Obi-Wan style). It's not the first time this has happened, I just hope it doesn't happen too many more times, and that the people who I help coach don't keep kicking me in the teeth!

If more people were going tomorrow, I’d be OK. I’d have plenty of scope to keep my distance. However, with only a handful things would be too close and I’d probably have it out with her, which she wouldn’t be able to take.

I’ll maintain my policy of keeping a distance while the option remains. A gentleman will walk but never run.

A Response

Author's note (05/01/07) The following post was initially a response to a comment left on my MSN Space. The person leaving the comment had been abusing my space by posting obscenities. I deleted the pure abuse, but when he finally got round to raising a valid point, I decide to be curteous. It seemed to pay off as their was a genuine dialogue that lasted for a couple of posts:

In response to:

"no offence but stop wastin ur life!! if god exists then howcum such bad things happen to gd ppl?? god dosent exist gt it through tht thik skull of urs!! my grandad died of cancer no matter how much prayer i went thru and church servises i went to. he died!! sure god exist. yeh and monkeys mite flie outa my butt!! jesus roks he was a rly old dood hoo live a mmillion yrs ago get the hell over it!:@:@"

Firstly, I want to make one thing very clear. Despite the fact you posted this in "Abusive Comments Part 2", I don't consider a large part of what you typed as offensive, the rest I believe comes from hurt. So, I'll treat it your post with respect and respond accordingly..

I naturally sympathise over your loss, but with all due respect, you need to get some perspective. You are not alone in knowing people who have suffered died from cancer. Several of my uncles and aunts have as well. Many years ago, I had an aunt, uncle and cousin who died in a car crash... leaving two cousins orphaned. This broke my grandparents hearts. My grandfather died of a heart attack that very year, and my grandmother was a shell of herself for the several years she lived on. My grandfather on my mother's side died before I was even conceived, I never knew him. I would encourage you to be grateful for what time you had with your grandfather, rather than be bitter over what you have lost.

People who have a belief only because they think it's some magic charm to protect them from life's trials need to grow up. As human beings living in a fallen world, we all suffer, that much is clear. In fact, if you have a faith in Christ Jesus, you are likely to come in for more. Jesus only promises to not let us be exposed to more than we can hack. He doesn't say you are immune to pain. Though he is a balm for suffering and the ULTIMATE cure for our fallen condition, he is not an inoculation against the circumstances of this world. How can Christians be a witness to those suffering, if they themselves have not suffered?

No, apart from our need for salvation, the other reason Jesus suffered, was so that he would be able to help us when we ourselves suffer. By his wounds we are healed!

We need to lean on Jesus all the time, not only to get us through the bad times, but also to acknowledge him in the good times.

I'm assuming your comment about Jesus was hyperbole, because as we know, he only lived two thousand of our Earth years ago. He also was NOT a "rly old dood". Most people believe he died around the age of 33. That's not old... at least i hope not, or I'm in BIG trouble LOL! No, Jesus died young... and that's how he remains. He was raised in a resurrection body (some people think that means scientifically changed at the atomic level). He does not age, and he is not on Earth anymore. so yup two millennia later he's still in his thirties. Lucky bloke... but then he is God! :-)

I'd like to challenge you to pray again, though hard it be. I'd also like to ask you something if you do. When you pray, do you just talk, or do you listen as well. I'd like to encourage you to take that path, because it makes a difference. I'd also encourage you to pray along with people who have experience. no, I don't mean people who read from a text book, I mean people who pray from the heart.

Finally, to those of us who do believe in Jesus, a warning:

"That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."

And:

"These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

If we seem to be having an easy ride, we should always be ready and prepared for God to use in difficult situations/circumstances.

We have been entrusted with much, lets not be lazy with it!

N

Cowardice

I'm going to be a bit self critical here. There is a part of me that I've been mulling over the past couple of days, that I resent.

You see, when I was 22 months old, I went exploring round my Gran's bungalow and somehow managed to sneak out of sight while my Mum was distracted. I then had the REALLY clever idea of deciding to tip a teapot on top of me.

Stupid!

As a result of my escapade, I sport a small scar on my left forearm and a relatively large one on my chest.

What I find hard, is the fact that there are people out there who have no choice but to publicly sport their injuries/imperfections, and they do it bravely, nobly... and I have the utmost respect for them... and yet here am I... able to disguise the big one with a t shirt (nobody really notices the one on my arm), and because I have the option to do that, I live in total fear of what people might say if they actually saw the scar? I never take my top off in public.

Why am I like this I wonder? I never had this problem as a child, not till I was a bout 16... that's when all my hang ups emerged.

So, to all those who are brave beyond words I can express, I salute you... and can only hope that one day I can share your valour.

I am pretty weak aren't I? But this is a place to be frank and honest, and to challenge myself and others for the future. I hope I can be willing to change.

Heck even my God wears his scars openly... what kind of chicken-wuss am I?