Subtle Changes

I'm starting to believe it... I'm changing.

Had some news in the week, that clearly indicated a door had been closed to me. I could have moped on... "woe is me", with regard to my situation, goodness knows I've done that often enough. I surprised myself by being OK with it and taking it in my stride. My attitude towards closed doors has changed. In the past I'd be frustrated, that every door I tried would be firmly locked. A phrase keeps going through my head, that seems to be keeping me afloat:

Every decrease in possibilities brings about an increase in certainties.

I don't think I've read that anywhere, but it fits how I feel like a glove. You see chess master Nick Payne would be probing each one of those possibilities until the stars failed in the night sky.... but I'm learning that the things I don't need on my journey, won't take root within me. I don't have to second guess what might be or what might have been, because only that which is certain will come about.

The good thing about this, is that I'm not missing as many "moments". You know what I'm on about, the small things in life,... the little blessings from God, the things of beauty that just slip quietly by into the night if we are to busy to notice them.

Tonight I was walking from work, to meet up with my mate, it was about 5:35pm and the sun had not long set. About halfway down Henley Street, I heard birdsong. It was so loud, proud and beautifully clear that I tracked it to it's source. there atop a chimney stack, was the silhouette of a tiny bird. A tiny bird with such a loud and expressive voice. I just had to stop and take it in.

A slightly more disturbing twist in my new positivity, is that I'm singing a lot more at work... but I'm also a lot more relaxed and motivated, so even if my colleagues disapproved of my voice (which they don't), they have plenty of reasons to remain chipper.

I look in the mirror and my face doesn't seem as heavy... and I know I'm smiling a lot more.

Now for the crazy part. This next bit probably won't make sense to most of you.

I get the strangest feeling that the scar on my chest is a bit smaller... or at the very least thinner. I feel like I'm growing less conscious of it... and some form of healing is definitely under way. whether that is purely psychological, spiritual or also physical remains to be seen.

It doesn't matter, God is good and he is taking me into calmer waters. We'll have to see how this develops.

God bless


Nick

Every decrease in possibilities brings about an increase in certainties.

Scar Tissue

"You asked me if I have scars? Yessir, I have my scars."
Bill Roberts "Young Guns 2"

This is a little heavy but please bear with me:

It was a month before my second birthday and my mother and I were at my grandmother's bungalow, for a social call. Mum and gran were busy chatting over a cup of tea, whereas I was wandering around exploring and playing like toddlers do.

Suddenly there was a crashing sound and the terrible noise of a child screaming in agony. Mum had taken her eyes off of me for 1 second... a single second; but sometimes a single second is all it takes. I had managed to stray into the kitchen and tipped hot tea on myself. The ambulance was called, I was rushed to hospital and treated for liquid burns to my chest, left forearm and chin. The damage had begun to scab over, but I am told that it was not healing in a correct manner and so the medical staff removed the scabbing and dressed the burns again.

I have no physical memory of this event.

Nor do I have any memory of the countless times following my injury that a district nurse would come round and replace my dressings, while dad locked our normally placid labrador "Saber" in the kitchen in an attempt to stop him from savagely "protecting me" from the woman who always made me cry.

Before these events, I was an outgoing adventurous little boy - I walked and I talked pretty early on in my development... but all that was taken away, the day my accident happened. I had to learn all over again... but this time my nature had changed - I had become very introverted. The doctor told my mother this was not unusual - my confidence was robbed and I was a lot more fearful of consequence. All of this information about my past comes from my mum and dad.

Curiously as I grew up the scars on my chest and arm never bothered me (the one on my chin healed completely), it was only after I had gone through puberty and was at college... and really for the first time became seriously interested in girls, that I suddenly became aware of this blight on my body. Since that time I do my best to stay covered up, I don't walk round in warm weather without a t-shirt on. I take great care to make sure nobody is around when I get changed... and I never go swimming.

Those scars are not the deepest ones... look at those and you look merely at the tip of a large iceberg. Those physical injuries left much deeper, more subtle emotional and psychological injuries. I had picked up a whole load of insecurities and as I grew up, I learned various defences and protective measures that were not good for me. I learned if I played the fool I could keep people at a distance, that I could limit how near they got to me. It was incredibly succesful - I played the world for a fool and got away with it. A friend the other day best described my former attitude by using a Simon & Garfunkel song:

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December;

I am alone,

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I've built walls,

A fortress deep and mighty,

That none may penetrate.

I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

Don't talk of love,

But I've heard the words before;

It's sleeping in my memory.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me;

I am shielded in my armor,

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

It's lies of course.

If you are a rock you feel the deepest pain - loneliness. Someone forged the famous saying that "no man is an island". That man did not know me. I kept everyone on the outside and the scary thing is that they probably never knew it. If anyone was worthwhile I guess I figured they would be able to fight their way into my little enchanted castle. That's not a fair burden to put on people... and if you do, they won't understand what game you are playing and will turn away anyway. They will see the fool on the surface but will not perceive the true person inside.

Gradually as I have walked the line of my personal faith in Christ... he has set me free from the desire to lock myself away in the darkest cuboard. Nowadays I don't live there, but when I am hurt I still run away and hide inside it. Still to this day many people from my past are poisoned by their former attitude to me - and fail to grasp who I am. I am suspicious of many people around me who have "known" me a long time, some of them don't seem to have my best interests at heart.

These things seem pretty much like curses and they need to be broken.

I genuinely want to start challenging the damage that has been done. God didn't design me to be insecure or introverted! When I was born I was a risk taker, I was an extrovert by design. Do you have any idea what it is like to be an extrovert trapped in the body of an introvert? The nearest parallel I can think of is that bit in Robocop where, the hero goes to arrest an official but a mysterious directive blocks him and starts to shut him down. That's what it is like - having some kind of reflex action preventing you from taking even the safest of gambles. I want done with it! I want to be free from the eternal debating that goes on in my mind of what every possible action, reaction and consequence will evolve from my decisions. I want to go out there and be what I'm meant to be - what I know I'm best at... being the man who is not afraid to step out of line for my own personal goals or God's greater glory.

I want to have the courage to just walk up to a girl and strike up a conversation without fear of what may come of it.

I want to step forward in confidence with the things I know... proclaim them and make them known to the people around me for God.

I want to be a little less conscienscous. Not in a bad way - I just don't want to be a doormat anymore. I don't want to run the risk of committing myself to a relationship that is bad for me just because I'm afraid of hurting the other persons feelings. I'm no good to anyone when all my time is taken over one person.

Perhaps it's a little late for New Year's Resolutions... and I'm painfullly aware of the fact I don't even know where to start; but start I must - I can't keep deferring my life. All I know is that I have to trust that God will unlock the necessary doors given time... and I must trust Him. Maybe I can start by reminding myself of some words from a favourite hymn:

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

I have already come.

'Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far

And Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His Word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures.

I'd trust the reliability of God's shield over my personal psychological armour any day. The big question is, do I really have the wisdom to choose it?

Do you?

Forward Momentum

Well this IS interesting. I think God is actually giving me directions with regard to the relationship area of my life. Do you remember me quoting a scripture the other day? It was this one (quoted in part this time):

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Initially, I just thought that was a rebuke and about God convicting me with regard to the past, but now see that it is as much about where I am going, as where I have been. It was not just a warning... it was so much more than that, it was an ENCOURAGEMENT. Then there was the scripture I quoted the other day, with regard to giving stuff to The Lord:

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not cast their fruit," says the LORD Almighty. "Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land," says the LORD Almighty."

And now, in my bible notes today I came across this in Ecclesiastes, which some people think is a depressing book but which has encouraged me:

Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again. Give portions to seven, yes to eight, for you do not know what disaster may come upon the land. If clouds are full of water, they pour rain upon the earth. Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north, in the place where it falls, there will it lie. Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.

Casting your bread into waters is about not playing safe (it refers to sea traders who risk the stormy seas to make a profit trading bread). I've also just realised the last bit of that passage is what I was saying the other day about "acorns". Mad huh? I'm in tune with Solomon. God must have flicked a switch I guess!

So what you may ask, am I to do? It's quite simple... I believe God is asking me to help out others in the area of relationships... if someone has a girlfriend miles away and cannot see them for some time.... I'm going to take them... I'm going to try and encourage people who seem right together, to talk. I'm going to lift the spirits of the broken hearted by the grace of God. I'm going to give more readily in matters of the heart... and in doing so, I will break the curse of my youth. When I was but a toddler, I scalded myself. the nurse said it would make me more introverted and less of a risk taker. That now MUST change, and by the will and grace of God it will! Time to leave the valley of broken dreams. It is time to fly and if I should come crashing down once more, this time I will pick up the people I find I crashed among too!

Lets see where this road leads!

N

Cowardice

I'm going to be a bit self critical here. There is a part of me that I've been mulling over the past couple of days, that I resent.

You see, when I was 22 months old, I went exploring round my Gran's bungalow and somehow managed to sneak out of sight while my Mum was distracted. I then had the REALLY clever idea of deciding to tip a teapot on top of me.

Stupid!

As a result of my escapade, I sport a small scar on my left forearm and a relatively large one on my chest.

What I find hard, is the fact that there are people out there who have no choice but to publicly sport their injuries/imperfections, and they do it bravely, nobly... and I have the utmost respect for them... and yet here am I... able to disguise the big one with a t shirt (nobody really notices the one on my arm), and because I have the option to do that, I live in total fear of what people might say if they actually saw the scar? I never take my top off in public.

Why am I like this I wonder? I never had this problem as a child, not till I was a bout 16... that's when all my hang ups emerged.

So, to all those who are brave beyond words I can express, I salute you... and can only hope that one day I can share your valour.

I am pretty weak aren't I? But this is a place to be frank and honest, and to challenge myself and others for the future. I hope I can be willing to change.

Heck even my God wears his scars openly... what kind of chicken-wuss am I?