Subtle Changes

I'm starting to believe it... I'm changing.

Had some news in the week, that clearly indicated a door had been closed to me. I could have moped on... "woe is me", with regard to my situation, goodness knows I've done that often enough. I surprised myself by being OK with it and taking it in my stride. My attitude towards closed doors has changed. In the past I'd be frustrated, that every door I tried would be firmly locked. A phrase keeps going through my head, that seems to be keeping me afloat:

Every decrease in possibilities brings about an increase in certainties.

I don't think I've read that anywhere, but it fits how I feel like a glove. You see chess master Nick Payne would be probing each one of those possibilities until the stars failed in the night sky.... but I'm learning that the things I don't need on my journey, won't take root within me. I don't have to second guess what might be or what might have been, because only that which is certain will come about.

The good thing about this, is that I'm not missing as many "moments". You know what I'm on about, the small things in life,... the little blessings from God, the things of beauty that just slip quietly by into the night if we are to busy to notice them.

Tonight I was walking from work, to meet up with my mate, it was about 5:35pm and the sun had not long set. About halfway down Henley Street, I heard birdsong. It was so loud, proud and beautifully clear that I tracked it to it's source. there atop a chimney stack, was the silhouette of a tiny bird. A tiny bird with such a loud and expressive voice. I just had to stop and take it in.

A slightly more disturbing twist in my new positivity, is that I'm singing a lot more at work... but I'm also a lot more relaxed and motivated, so even if my colleagues disapproved of my voice (which they don't), they have plenty of reasons to remain chipper.

I look in the mirror and my face doesn't seem as heavy... and I know I'm smiling a lot more.

Now for the crazy part. This next bit probably won't make sense to most of you.

I get the strangest feeling that the scar on my chest is a bit smaller... or at the very least thinner. I feel like I'm growing less conscious of it... and some form of healing is definitely under way. whether that is purely psychological, spiritual or also physical remains to be seen.

It doesn't matter, God is good and he is taking me into calmer waters. We'll have to see how this develops.

God bless


Nick

Every decrease in possibilities brings about an increase in certainties.

Cats Claws versus God's Love

Earlier today I was talking with Sue - a good friend of mine, with regard to my recent conclusions about having to face my past. Despite knowing I've got to go back and face some of my issues over the past, I am reluctant to do it and keep putting it off. While I was talking to Sue, a story from my past bubble to the surface and it proved to be a good analogy of what perhaps lies ahead:

Several years ago, when he was still alive, my mum tried to carry our Tomcat down the stairs. Nothing unusual in that at all... she'd done it countless times before, but this time was different. On that occasion, Mum somehow lost grip... and Tonic took a tumble down the wooden slope.

He was completely unhurt on the outside, but it had given him a nasty scare. From that day onwards, if anyone tried to carry him down the stairs, he would hiss and growl until he was put back down on the floor. He had lost his trust in people's ability to carry him safely.

This went on some time, until I finally resolved to do something. Tonic was sat at the top of the stairs, he wanted to go down but couldn't be bothered. He kept looking up at me wondering what I would do... but we both knew what he would do if I picked him up. Despite this, I knew what I had to do. I reached down and lifted up Tonic.

Sure enough he started hissing and spitting but I hugged him firmly but gently to my chest. I took a step down the stairs and it was then that I felt his claws go in just below my collar bones - OUCH.

I'm not one to give in easily and so I took another step, tighter went the claws. This continued as we went down the staircase... but I carried on regardless. About three quarters of the way down Tonic relaxed his claws and the pain slowly ebbed away. I went back and forth up the stairs several times. Eventually by remaining steadfast, I banished Tonic's fear to a place where it would not come back from... and restored his faith.

I believe God is saying that in my situation, I am just like that cat... and that no matter what nasty scares memory and time have lying in wait for me... they will not overcome me. He will hold me close by as surely as I did with Tonic.... even if it hurts him. As human beings we get emotional, especially when forced to confront something we find unpleasant. However, Christians know that we have a God who is steadfast, faithful and true. It doesn't matter how much our fear causes us to dig our claws in - he loves us all the same. Two thousand years ago, our sin, anger and fear... the things that separate us from God drew Christ's blood out on the cross. It is through that blood, that sacrifice we are saved.

If Christ was willing to bear with us to his very death, over our disobedience... then we can have confidence that he will still bear with us when we suffer and our sinful nature and vulnerability lash out at him because of our obedience.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." - 1 Peter 5:6-11

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28:18-20

Earlier today, I listened to the U2 track that used to be on my website. Though the whole song is enlightening and relevant - I feel I may have kept you long enough, so I'll just quote a little from it:

Take my hand

You know I'll be there,

If you can I'll cross

The sky for your love

And I understand

These winds and tides,

This change of times

Won't drag you away.

Hold on, hold on tightly,

Hold on and don't let go

Of my love.

The storms will pass

It won't be long now.

The storms will pass

But my love lasts forever.

And take my hand,

You know I'll be there,

If you can I'll cross the sky

For your love.

Give you what I hold dear,

Hold on, hold on tightly.

Hold on, hold on tightly.

Rise up, rise up with wings,

Like eagles you'll run, you'll run.

You'll run and not grow weary.

Blessings

N

Tis But a Scratch!

Those of you who have watched the film "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" will doubtless remember the infamous scene where Arthur does battle with the Black Knight who blocks the road ahead.

The battle goes badly for the Black Knight.... he loses an arm, followed by his other arm, then both his legs. Hilariously though he repeatedly insists that the damage is not severe... "Tis but a scratch!" and "It's only a flesh wound!" are among his battle cries.

We laugh because the situation is ridiculous, the scene uses hyperbole to parody the Hollywood image of the macho man - the hero who shakes of his injuries to save the day. Obviouisly, Python's Black Knight should know when he is beaten and stop fighting... it is only a stretch of road he's fighting for, after all.

On a deeper and more subtle level, are we seriously any different though?

I think not.

I know of a person who was severely damaged emotionally through the break-up of their marriage. I knew through conversations we had; that there were still issues going on inside that person's heart... but they kept jumping from relationship to relationship - constantly on the rebound. They "knew" in each case that the person they were with, was "the one". I know this because I was very nearly one of "the one's" myself... but fortunately it did not work out. Now I hear that the girl is planning on getting married again; I wish her well but I do not think she is embarking on a wise course of action. She is putting what she wants in front of her ability to handle it. She is rushing into a path that could damage her further... because she is chasing a dream without properly dealing with the damage that has been done to her in the past.

I've recently come to the conclusion that some of the psychological issues attached to my physical scars need healing (February 3rd - Scar Tissue). I think my own approach to people in the past has been seriously affected by my damaged nature... but I know God desires to heal this. I also wait for the day when a woman comes along whom I can love and who can love me... but I believe the right person will not be able to find me (nor I them) until God disentangles me from the jungle I have managed to wrap myself up in over the years.

Why should you or I have to wait, why does God seemingly string us out? If he's made a promise he could snap his fingers and allow you to have it immediately.

Oh I have no doubt he could give you and I everything good that we desired - right here, right now... but would we be ready for it?

Recently two scriptures have been on my heart and I felt burdened to share them with you:

"From the least to the greatest, all are greedy for gain; prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit. They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. 'Peace, peace,' they say, when there is no peace." Jeremiah 6:13,14

and:

"No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved." Matthew 9:16,17

Are we being honest with ourselves? Are we really ready for the things God has promised?

If we desire a relationship... are we really ready to commit ourselves, or do we know in our hearts that we need God to fix something wrong in us first?

If we desire revival... are we really ready to receive the multitudes of convicted people whom God will send, or do we know deep down that we need to humble ourselves and strengthen our relationship with God... that we may be of use to him when the time is right.

These are just two examples of what I mean.

I rushed into trying to enter a relationship a couple of years ago... it went pear shaped. God showed me through scriptures in Chronicles that in effect, I had mirrored King David's mistake with the Ark of the Covenant. I had put the desire and the promise of good things before properly being able to carry out a righteous approach to achieving them. God was merciful to David and showed him how to do it. God is also merciful to us and he will show us what we need to know if we only bothered to ask him.

For what does he say to us? A very famous passage from Matthew tells us:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

May the Lord bless you and enable you to walk the road before you. May your innermost desires - founded in the Father's will, the Son's intercession and the Holy Spirit's conviction, all be fulfilled in God's power and God's time. In Jesus name, Amen.


Nick

Sunday Morning at church

Church was pretty inspirational today. We had a pretty charismatic old vicar in... which was really good.

The morning started badly, but once I got round to focussing on God instead of winding myself up... things were a lot better.

The gospel reading came from John chapter 3 (yup the world famous one). As these words were read out:

"Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life." John 3:14,15

I saw a picture of a robed man standing on a mound holding a serpent headed staff above him. He was silhouetted because it was dark and there were stormclouds behind him. But the shadows in the clouds had formed an image of Jesus crucified (visible down to the waist).

I thought that would make an excellent painting. Especially if you added a spot of lightning.

I'm pretty much a visually orientated person.