A Disquiet Follows My Soul

First off... this is not a Battlestar Galactica related post at all.  I simply used the title of one of the episodes because the phrase has been running through my head a lot of late.

Secondly I have been silent for far too long. This place has gathered dust while I have been distracted... and this seems to be a habitual tendency, one that I should really get out of.

It's a funny thing but I have made a point of waiting upon God for direction as to whether I should embark upon a certain course of action, on the understanding that should I not get a definitive response before a set point in time, I would resolve to move on it myself in an act of blind faith and blind faith alone.  Yet as that time nears I find myself both disturbed and moved on the subject. I see the world moving to spur others on and yet find silly things get it my own way. You want to take the opportunity to talk to the vicar and elderly ladies gravitate in and do the "lovely service vicar" small talk routine and totally block access... that sort of thing.

At the same time it feels like various images and songs that have spoken to me... come to the fore... and my Bible notes are talking about being more focused.

There's a great sense of pressure building within me... but I am coming to understand that it is not negative, it is like the tension in the bowstring before the arrow is launched, or the stirring of champagne working against the resistance of the cork that holds it captive within the bottle.

I have always struggled with human impedance - the sense that people deliberately or unwittingly sometimes work against you because their own interests clash with your own. Yet as I type that sentence I am reminded of Christ's words to St. Peter at the end of John's gospel. Jesus has just given Peter an indication of the kind of life his ministry will end in, and yet Peter finds himself distracted and asking what the fate of John will be.

At the heart of Jesus' response is a question and a statement: "What is that to you? You must follow me.”

So back to this idea of disquiet... what does the Bible have to say about this word? Well in a few translations, the term comes up in a couple of Psalms:

"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance."

Psalm 42:5

It is easy to look at our frustration as a negative, to assume we aren't going anywhere because resistance is present or because we are held in some kind of suspended animation. However that's making the same mistake as Peter.  Instead we should look towards what God is doing: what God is doing in us; what God is doing to us; what God is doing for us. When the bowstring is drawn, it is no longer in an inert state... potential energy is being built up and will soon result in it being released as kinetic energy, propelling an arrow towards its target.

Likewise when we feel frustration, we don't need to get wound up (an ironic choice of words there), instead we should be prepared to accept that we are being built up with the necessary energy to take us forward to the next phase of our walk with God.

All that potential energy has to go somewhere... and the more it builds up, the more you should take courage that it will one day, strike or move its intended target... perhaps sooner than you think.

Disquieted - is it really such a bad thing?  The NIV translates the word as "disturbed" - the same word that lies at the heart of a prayer attributed to Sir Francis Drake. So wherever life finds you I'd like to leave you with the words of his prayer and ask you to contemplate anew what being disturbed means:

Disturb us, Lord, when We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,

To venture on wider seas

Where storms will show your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push into the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

Amen

The Road Back to Blessing

While I had been struggling over the issue of relationships (thanks to Hope, Cassie and Connie's kind responses), I went into church on Monday to pray through it on my own. While I was there I stumbled across this passage in Jeremiah 31:

"I have surely heard Ephraim's moaning:

'You disciplined me like an unruly calf,

and I have been disciplined.

Restore me, and I will return,

because you are the LORD my God.

After I strayed,

I repented;

after I came to understand,

I beat my breast.

I was ashamed and humiliated

because I bore the disgrace of my youth.'

Is not Ephraim my dear son,

the child in whom I delight?

Though I often speak against him,

I still remember him.

Therefore my heart yearns for him;

I have great compassion for him,"

declares the LORD.

"Set up road signs;

put up guideposts.

Take note of the highway,

the road that you take.

Return, O Virgin Israel,

return to your towns.

I know I'm guilty of moaning at God. I know I was led to the wilderness for a reason, I figure maybe I was exiled from relationships for disobedience. A long time ago I was in a serious relationship and I didn't get out when I clearly should have; so intent was I on fixing the other person's life scenario, that I neglected my own well being and spiritual/psychological health as a person. I was woefully ignorant of God... trying to flog a dead horse. By his grace and his mercy, God pulled me out of that situation and sat me down for a deep talk. He convicted me, he challenged me, he spoke of promises and even gave me hints of things to come. I was impatient and chased them down and God led me into the wilderness. Last year he tested me bitterly, to see if I would choose selfish desire over obeying him. Those of you who were with me at that time, know that it was an extremely hard time for me... but I came through. Since that time I have been through periods where I'm great... and other times when I moan at God... just like the tribe of Ephraim in the above passage.

I have learned some of the lessons that God required me to understand before moving on... but by no means would I boast of having learned them all.

I feel God wants to return me to a place of blessing, I also feel he is challenging me to look into the events in my life that led me to exile in the first place. When Jeremiah revealed the above message to God's people... it was just prior to the exile. He was in effect telling them to leave practical markers in the desert to help them return when their period of discipline was over. Obviously I can't physically go back in time and do that for myself, but I feel that God wants me to examine my past and look at the points that led me out into the wilderness. There already are emotional markers laid down - psychological, spiritual and physical events that shaped my walk until now. By backtracking and praying through them, I hope to be restored to a place where The Lord can fulfill his promises.

I was also encouraged by reading a short story by Max Lucado in "When God Whispers Your Name". He pointed out the practical aspects of Moses' exile in the desert. Moses as you may recall was a man of authority in Egypt. that all changed when he killed an Egyptian who was abusing a Hebrew. Moses was forced to flee out into the desert. He resigned himself to living a quiet life - that of a shepherd, out in the wilderness. however as Max pointed out... Moses learned the crafts of the desert while living in the wild. Moses as a young man was hot headed, arrogant and inexperienced. Moses as an elderly man had learned patience... and despite his frailty had a lifetime's knowledge of desert survival... not to mention the newly acquired assurance of God.

Just looking at some of the things I said about relationships when I was younger, I was arrogant. Watching my friends stumble and fall, I proudly said to myself that I could show them how it was done... as if it was my job. How pompous was I? I've stumbled. I've been picked up. I'm in a place where the receipt of such promises seems to fade into the distance day by day... but God is as good as his word... even if I am not.

Romans teaches us that Abraham received what was promised through faith... even though his body was in the Bible's words "as good as dead". Abraham wobbled but never fell down. He always hoped and trusted in God's fulfillment of his word. Sometimes he tried to force the issue and messed up... but he always trusted good would come eventually. When God speaks... the debate ends.

Sometimes hope seems distant and just a blur on the horizon... but hope is never forlorn where the Lord is concerned.

If you are in the desert, take heart.

God bless

Nick - hopefully homeward bound.

Tis But a Scratch!

Those of you who have watched the film "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" will doubtless remember the infamous scene where Arthur does battle with the Black Knight who blocks the road ahead.

The battle goes badly for the Black Knight.... he loses an arm, followed by his other arm, then both his legs. Hilariously though he repeatedly insists that the damage is not severe... "Tis but a scratch!" and "It's only a flesh wound!" are among his battle cries.

We laugh because the situation is ridiculous, the scene uses hyperbole to parody the Hollywood image of the macho man - the hero who shakes of his injuries to save the day. Obviouisly, Python's Black Knight should know when he is beaten and stop fighting... it is only a stretch of road he's fighting for, after all.

On a deeper and more subtle level, are we seriously any different though?

I think not.

I know of a person who was severely damaged emotionally through the break-up of their marriage. I knew through conversations we had; that there were still issues going on inside that person's heart... but they kept jumping from relationship to relationship - constantly on the rebound. They "knew" in each case that the person they were with, was "the one". I know this because I was very nearly one of "the one's" myself... but fortunately it did not work out. Now I hear that the girl is planning on getting married again; I wish her well but I do not think she is embarking on a wise course of action. She is putting what she wants in front of her ability to handle it. She is rushing into a path that could damage her further... because she is chasing a dream without properly dealing with the damage that has been done to her in the past.

I've recently come to the conclusion that some of the psychological issues attached to my physical scars need healing (February 3rd - Scar Tissue). I think my own approach to people in the past has been seriously affected by my damaged nature... but I know God desires to heal this. I also wait for the day when a woman comes along whom I can love and who can love me... but I believe the right person will not be able to find me (nor I them) until God disentangles me from the jungle I have managed to wrap myself up in over the years.

Why should you or I have to wait, why does God seemingly string us out? If he's made a promise he could snap his fingers and allow you to have it immediately.

Oh I have no doubt he could give you and I everything good that we desired - right here, right now... but would we be ready for it?

Recently two scriptures have been on my heart and I felt burdened to share them with you:

"From the least to the greatest, all are greedy for gain; prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit. They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. 'Peace, peace,' they say, when there is no peace." Jeremiah 6:13,14

and:

"No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved." Matthew 9:16,17

Are we being honest with ourselves? Are we really ready for the things God has promised?

If we desire a relationship... are we really ready to commit ourselves, or do we know in our hearts that we need God to fix something wrong in us first?

If we desire revival... are we really ready to receive the multitudes of convicted people whom God will send, or do we know deep down that we need to humble ourselves and strengthen our relationship with God... that we may be of use to him when the time is right.

These are just two examples of what I mean.

I rushed into trying to enter a relationship a couple of years ago... it went pear shaped. God showed me through scriptures in Chronicles that in effect, I had mirrored King David's mistake with the Ark of the Covenant. I had put the desire and the promise of good things before properly being able to carry out a righteous approach to achieving them. God was merciful to David and showed him how to do it. God is also merciful to us and he will show us what we need to know if we only bothered to ask him.

For what does he say to us? A very famous passage from Matthew tells us:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

May the Lord bless you and enable you to walk the road before you. May your innermost desires - founded in the Father's will, the Son's intercession and the Holy Spirit's conviction, all be fulfilled in God's power and God's time. In Jesus name, Amen.


Nick

On the Edge

I am totally annoyed at the moment.

Just as I seem to have become accustomed once more to waiting on God and acquiring his wisdom, the enemy plays a joker.

I have known for some time, that a colleague of mine claims to have psychic ability*. I try to pay this little heed as possible... as I am in the workplace, it is important to try and get along with your workmates. Unfortunately as of last week I wasn't afforded the usual luxury of doing that.

I was told that by them that they had a gut feeling about the time of July, that I would find something substantial in the area of relationships (this distressed me greatly because I will see someone who I have been keen on around this time). "Oh Great!" I thought, "Now if anything does come along around that time, I will have to dismiss it!" For that would be my normal tactical response. I am that focussed on doing the right thing by my faith, that I would scupper any attempt to enter something that might seem to endorse a practice I am spiritually opposed to.

My mother is annoyingly superstitious. There was a time several years ago, where purely to spite the notion of Friday the 13th being unlucky... I asked a girl out on that fateful night.

That turned out really well.

6 ½ years later I emerged, bruised, battered and largely scathed form a relationship that did nothing positive for me as a person. So I'm learning that it is dangerous to make bold swooping gestures with your life... just to make minor theological points.

Back to my current situation and I found myself a little stressed by it. So I took it to God. He knows that I am having to wait on him in that situation and he also knows how fragile I am in doing that.

A scripture was put on my heart:

"I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice." John 10:1-5

I feel that God is really encouraging me to not jump to any decisions. I feel he is saying that if I do ANYTHING either positive or negative regarding that information, I am giving it power. It doesn't matter if my intentions are honourable or not. You see, it's not good enough for us as Christians to run away from that which we know is not from God... it is far more important that we learn to follow the direction that God gives us as well.

I feel God is saying I should just ignore what I was told completely and not act either way according to it, becaue if I do I'm not responding to his voice. It may be that he also chooses that time to bless me, but I am to listen for his voice and trust him to make it known clearly to me. He may come earlier, he may come later... but I have to hear his voice in this.

Do you know what? Maybe that's why I require the wisdom I spoke of two days ago. Maybe in this area of my life I am not wise enough to pick up on God's direction and I need to train myself to hear him better.

If I can master this, life will be so much better. I am so tired of having to flit around trying to please God by relying too heavily on my intuition. It will be a release to be at a point where I just chill and don't think too much about the consequence of every possible outcome and evantuality. I think maybe I'm loading myself down unnecessarily and am missing out on the enjoyment in life that God seeks to give. The more you lean on God, the more you find that the following is true:

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."" Isaiah 30:21

That is the strength we all require and that is the strength I seek in this area of my life. My prayer is that I can achieve this.

For those of you who pray, I ask that you pray for help to forget that which does not help me.

May God bless you with the strength to rest.

N

*Brief Update as of 9th January. I felt it was important to point out that I don't have an issue with the person who made this statement - only what was said, because it runs contrary to my personal beliefs and moral code.

Wisdom is the Way

A few days ago I promised to explain a revelation I had about wisdom. However, first I need to take you back to the Proverbs quote that had been giving me trouble last year:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

Over the past few nights, I have been having dreams that took me back to the time I was suffering emotionally and struggling with that verse. Unsurpringly because of this, I found it was hard going for a week or so.

Now, on New Year's Day I have a tradition of finding a quiet moment to comit the coming year to God. This year, I chose to do that in the church I attend - while nobody else was there.

I spent time talking over the things that had bothered me with God. I felt compelled to read up on the life of Isaac. It quickly became apparent to me that Isaac's life as recorded in Genesis; was one of waiting on God. He didn't go after a wife, God brought a wife to him. When the going got rough in Canaan, he didn't head for Egypt; he waited because God said he would bless him in the land he was in.

This is something God laid on my heart. That I don't need to strive to earn or achieve the things and blessings he has for me. What is required of me is that I spend time deepening my experience of and relationship with The Lord.

Waiting is something that doesn't come naturally to me. When things go quiet I'm always guessing the figures and pulling the puzzles apart. In a true sense, that's not waiting, that's keeping yourself occupied to avoid waiting. I spoke the other day about Jesus valuing Mary's resting in his presence over Martha's labouring in the kitchen. I need to rest in God's presence and spend the time resting in him.

I can either see the time I have now as a prison sentence or an opportunity. Up until recently I had been seeing it as a sentence - that every door I had tried was shut and barred, no matter which way I turned. However, I believe God will open those doors when the time is right. I also believe the correct thing for me to do now is to get wisdom. The Bible describes wisdom as being supreme... and worth more than rubies. King Solomon asked God for it... and God honoured that request by blessing him in more conventional ways too.

In Church that day, I found another verse which backs up what I have been saying and which also responds to the Proverb I have struggled with:

"Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding,

for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.

She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.

Long life is in her right hand;

in her left hand are riches and honor.

Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.

She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
those who lay hold of her will be blessed."

(Proverbs 3:13-18)

See that last bit? Compare that to the Proverbs 13 scripture!

Finally, there is an old saying:

When the idea is not right, God says "No."
When the time is not right, God says "slow."
When you are not right, God says "Grow."
When all is right, God says "Go."

Though I've often grown tired of waiting, God has only deferred my hope not cancelled it - his reasons are his own. The place where I looked the above words up also had the following note:

Gods delays are not God's denials.

I wish to leave you with that thought and with one final bit of wisdom from the Psalms:

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Sentinels At Every Gate

If you read my blogs often, I hope you've noticed that I try to be honest about where I am, I feel it's better to do that, than to just coldly preach the Gospel. I've always wanted you to see that everything I say comes from the heart and is genuine... not just from a text book, that you may know that my faith is a living one and not counterfeit.

I've had it a bit rough lately... if you are interested in knowing the context, read up my earlier blog entry, entitled A Rough Ride. I failed to stop making myself feel downcast. Sometimes it's the little things that drag you down, not the big ones. As the saying goes it's often "the straw that breaks the camel's back."

When I was young I locked myself behind behavioral walls to keep people from getting close and hurting me. Having learned from that fatal mistake... I am now the kind of person who hungers acceptance from the people I care about. Rather pathetically I can take silly little things like a drought of Christmas cards to heart... I know, stupid huh? Sometimes if you feel a certain way, it is all too easy to misread signs.

I had a picture the other day. I saw myself in the centre of a circular room with many doors. Each door was guarded by an armed sentinel, holding out their right arm in a "do not enter" gesture". This distressed me a great deal, because I hate feeling trapped. What is quite frustrating for me is that in all areas of my life, that is exactly how I feel - whichever door I try, for whatever reason... entry is barred. It's a bit like having the Argonath from Lord of the Rings standing in front of me... intimidating me and forbidding me entrance into the world of men.

The Argonath

So I decided to look for a scripture concerning gates, and I was struck by some verses in Nehemiah 13. In that chapter, the gates of Jerusalem are shut and barred for the Sabbath... to keep it holy. It has dawned on me this morning that perhaps that is all that is going on. For God has spoken to me before and reminded me that "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength" (From Isaiah).

Maybe I've had a touch of the Martha's (Christian cliche). During his ministry, Jesus stayed at the home of Mary and Martha:

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Perhaps this is merely a time to sit and meditate. There are promises out there for me, but they are dependant on God's grace. I know they are coming... but it is by his sovereign choice that they will come... and not by my desire or effort.

I need not fret at trying to force those gates, it is for holiness they are shut and not for frustration.

A couple of scriptures a friend once told me have come into my thinking lately:

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." 

Zephaniah 3:17

and:

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"

Isaiah 30:18

Certainly reading on into the following verses of Isaiah 30 gives me cause for hope.

Waiting is a hard game, especially when we don't know when a resolution will come. I always remember Professor Robert Winston's programme on the human mind. Some children were involved in an experiment. They were given a small lump of chocolate and told they could either have that, or have a larger amount in a "little while". Now to you and I the choice is clearly logical, wait for 5-15 minutes and it's a choccy fest! However, at a young age children do not have a properly defined sense of the passage of time. Most who were under the age of four... opted for the here and now, what they could see before them.

But even as adults... we are no different when it comes to the things of God, are we? We do not have a proper sense of the time in the eternal or cosmic sense... we see life in terms of our lifespan on Earth. This causes us to want all our objectives to be achieved in the here and now. God knows all the things he has for us in the fullness of time, so he's not as hasty. All we need is a little patience and trust. This, I tell you as a mere apprentice, or at best a journeyman... by no means am I a master.

Finally, for the patient - for those who wait, God promises this:

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:31

So, for now; in the words of a famous Guinness commercial - "Here's to waiting!"

Update on My Previous Post

In my last entry I told you that I felt slightly bothered that no matter how hard I try, my finances keep getting knocked back to square one (this also seems true of any advances in the area of relationships).

I thought further on this throughout the day and came to several possible conclusions:
That I am being disciplined for my past behaviour in both relationships and finance.
That some kind of oppression/curse is causing problems
Or that God is keeping me in place until the time is right.
I'm more inclined to think the latter, but I think that I need to pray about this... I also would appreciate other people praying.

After I published my last blog, I cam across the following scripture:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

This would seem to back theory 3. I don't think this will be permanent, in my last blog I mentioned the verse about repaying the year of the locust. That comes just before a prophetic blessing where God promises to pour out his Spirit on all his people. As this relates to a vision that is held for my church, I believe that when the time is right... all the doors will be opened.

Rob thinks that maybe I have been put in this position to stop me gallivanting off into the sunset... chasing down my dreams away from where he wants me.

I have to admit, while I don't mind waiting on him for all my deepest hopes... I would appreciate a deposit in the area of relationships. I just don't feel the church is going to receive these blessings for a few years (though I hope I'm wrong), and that's a long time to be in the relationship desert. I mean it's not like he's just going to go bang and make someone want to marry me on the spot! These things take time. Though I am sitting here and chilling out for now... (it ain't my number one priority) if desire and opportunity come knocking I might not feel inclined to pass it up (it is probably my number 2/3 priority). Does this really mean God is going to scupper any advance I make on any girl?

Think I'm just going to play it by ear. The old joke about the guy trapped on a roof who asked God to save him keeps springing to mind.

Whatever happens, He is good. I'm going to pray on this... I'd appreciate anybody else's too!

Tomorrow I'm going to be a lot lighter, I intend to cover the St. Nicholas Day Parade in Alcester. If you want to come along, drop me a line!

God bless

N

To Date or to Wait

In the time that I have been alone, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I am not suited to high maintenance romantic relationships. That sounds really harsh doesn't it? But I'm not saying it coldly or lightly. Experience has taught me that I'm the kind of person who likes to administer to the needs of the many. In the past I have been in relationships (both romantic and friendly), where my capacity to do that, has been greatly diminished because the person I have been around has demanded almost exclusive attention to their problems and needs... so much so that I tended to lose my sense of identity, self awareness and my attention to the needs of others.

At the same time, I have learned that my ability to reach out to people is hindered by my lack of emotional support.

I think before I would have said that in a relationship God would have used me to create opportunities and open doors for the person I loved to go through... but it is slowly dawning on me that actually, it is the other way around.

It will soon be my 31st birthday... and it is always around birthdays that we tend to examine ourselves and evaluate our performance... particularly in areas we feel we are missing out.

Earlier this year and again recently, I felt that God spoke to me through Genesis 24. It's the passage where Abraham sends his servant off to get a wife for his son Isaac. Several things jump out at me from that. Firstly Abraham didn't want Isaac to marry a Canaanite woman because he knew their culture was offensive to God. Secondly, Abraham didn't want Isaac to be involved and go off with his servant to look for a bride, presumably because he'd pick the wrong kind of person. Abraham's servant relied on God's wisdom for a sign; God rewarded the trust the servant was showing in him by fulfilling that sign through Rebekah. Finally, when Rebekah arrived at Abraham's household, Isaac was meditating... he was focusing his attention on his relationship with God.

So I think God is working this out for me. I believe he has someone in mind and he doesn't want me to jump ahead of him... or foul things up by hunting down someone inappropriate. The wisdom of the world would tell you that I should be putting effort into catching the eyes of the opposite sex. The wisdom of God says wait... do nothing, risk being left on the shelf, just spend time with him. So which should I trust? Well, the Bible says:

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." - 1 Corinthians 1:25

Furthermore, in the Old Testament the ungodly priests of Baal put a lot of effort into dancing and singing and cutting themselves with knives to secure the favour of their god at the showdown at Mount Carmel... but it was the patient and long suffering Elijah's God who answered by fire and won the day.

So I wait for God to deliver. The funny thing is that now, I feel more patient than I have ever been with regard to this area of my life. Four months ago I was in anguish because I was tearing myself apart; I could have asked somebody out... but in the circumstances, I would have dishonoured God and used his work for my own selfish ends. You have to stay true to your principles... and if you are going to do something, you do it for it's own sake and not for what you can get out of it. Anyway, I think my response to the situation was the Rosetta Stone. It is where everything changed... I was tested, I put my opportunity on the altar and left it there... though it hurt me terribly. Since that time I've been much more at peace.

So instead of chasing after the wind I'm going to wait and see who or what God brings. The really strange thing is I was praying about it last night and when I left church, there was a really strong sense that he had gone on ahead of me, that he was already at work.

You know one of these days he's going to pull a fast one and there'll be a girl at the end of the church drive... just saying God told her to show up and she didn't know why!

Letting Go of Your Acorn

Every time you fall in love, or are attracted to someone... you hold in your hands an acorn. It's all too tempting to hold on to what you have and treasure the beauty of it... but then it becomes something else, something not really genuine.

That is not why acorns exist, or why we have these emotions. To plant an acorn is to risk the loss of the acorn, for the possible promise of a tree. It may be eaten, or it may wither or rot... that's the chance you take. You may have your love taken away or it may fade. You may feel like you are useless at this game because every time you have planted an acorn it has failed to bud.

Don't give up!

Persistence pays off when it is coupled with patience, I've failed many a time, but I won't give in. I used to hang on to what I had, but now I know that I must be brave and take my chances while I have them. It's all in Ecclesiastes, live your life to the max (but do it in accordance with God's will).

All you can do is plant your acorn and do your best to make sure it is in fertile soil. Pay attention to the one you love, don't neglect them, feed them enough, but do not drown them. Protect them. The rest if it is God's will for you, will attend to itself.

Don't keep it all inside. Carpe Diem. Sieze the moment. Reach out and touch someone.

God bless

Nick

Letting Go of Your Acorn

Every time you fall in love, or are attracted to someone... you hold in your hands an acorn. It's all too tempting to hold on to what you have and treasure the beauty of it... but then it becomes something else, something not really genuine.

That is not why acorns exist, or why we have these emotions. To plant an acorn is to risk the loss of the acorn, for the possible promise of a tree. It may be eaten, or it may wither or rot... that's the chance you take. You may have your love taken away or it may fade. You may feel like you are useless at this game because every time you have planted an acorn it has failed to bud.

Don't give up!

Persistence pays off when it is coupled with patience, I've failed many a time, but I won't give in. I used to hang on to what I had, but now I know that I must be brave and take my chances while I have them. It's all in Ecclesiastes, live your life to the max (but do it in accordance with God's will).

All you can do is plant your acorn and do your best to make sure it is in fertile soil. Pay attention to the one you love, don't neglect them, feed them enough, but do not drown them. Protect them. The rest if it is God's will for you, will attend to itself.

Don't keep it all inside. Carpe Diem. Sieze the moment. Reach out and touch someone.

God bless

Nick

Ups and downs

Well that's two pregnancies in one week. Again, I am happy for my friends... but it just ties my guts up in knots. Have you ever heard the song "Sit Down" by James? There is a line that sums up how I feel.

"If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor!"

That's what it's like. To see other people flaunting the things you hunger for? It really stings.

On the positive side... I had a really bizarre dream 3 nights ago. I dreamed that a very polite, sweet and attractive Latino looking girl came up to me and said something like "Hello, God sent me to go out with you, he made me for you." She wasn't someone from my memory, and she didn't appear to be anyone famous. Anyway, shortly after this revelation I had the great misfortune of waking up!

I can only hope this proves prophetical. although one should always be careful of saying such things... you never know the cost. A ticket to the mission field in South America may precede it...

LOL!

All A Matter of Timing

My phone's text alert went off yesterday, whilst I was at the birthday party of the daughter of my best friend. I checked it and I was greeted with the news that another good friend is expecting a child in February.

I am absolutely elated for her, but quite depressed and frustrated with myself. Yes I know we've trodden this path before, I know I can't force God's hand. When the time is right, things will come good and the years of the locust (in this area of life) will be ended.

It's bad enough resisting the temptation to pick your own scabs and wounds, but when other people come along and pick them... that's something different, I cannot control that.

It seems these days for every voice of reason telling me to remain calm and that I have plenty of time, there are 3 more voices telling me to pull my finger out as I may miss the boat (These are voices of friends by the way, not voices in my head!).

It's all a matter of timing... isn't it?

I've decided to take things positively. I believe one thing is certain... something is coming. It may be distant on the horizon, or it may be just around the corner... but the gears are in motion and I can sense something in the air (apart from my rampant pheromones).

If the voices of calm are correct, the voices of urgency are there to force my hand... to make me choose someone rashly out of panic, someone who would break my heart and mess me up. If the voices of urgency are correct, I have to be alert as my chances are coming and I may miss out by waiting too long for the right person and the right moment... when both slip past me, as I fail to see the wood for the trees.

Either way, like I said... I can be encouraged by the fact that something is going on. I do believe I need to be a little more proactive, but only in the right circles.

The only voice that truly counts of course is God's. I just have to work out whether he's with the voices of calm, or urgency.

This would be so much easier if a wonderful young lady would walk past with an angel hovering above her pointing and holding up a giant placard saying "OI! DOPEY THIS IS THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS... THE WOMAN GOD MADE TO MATCH YOU AS A PERSON WHEN HE DESIGNED YOU. DON'T JUST STAND THERE, GO AND ASK HER OUT BEFORE I BAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THIS PLACARD!"

No?

Guess I'll just have to do this the hard way