A Room Full of Elephants

You've no doubt heard the expression about there being an "elephant in the room".

It refers to the awkwardness/awareness of a topic or situation that is obvious but taboo/uncomfortable to speak of, and so all mention of it is avoided.

Well I feel like I have an entire herd of elephants in my room at the moment. It's a very strange feeling. It's almost as if a cosmic Bruce Forsyth has paraded an exhibition of thoughts, ideas, emotions and situations from my past... Generation Game style before me.

It's bad enough trying to wriggle your way past the elephant(s) in your room as it is... but if you are unlucky, sometimes your elephants take notice of you and start moving in your general direction.

That's what it has been like for me... I've been minding my own business, when all of a sudden three or four things crop up from the past that clamour for a review.

All I want is to get my fair slice of cheese... but it seems I'll have to traverse a room full of mousetraps to get anywhere near it. I kind of feel a lot like this mouse:

There is one major difference however, in life what sometimes looks like the cheese can often turn out to be the mousetrap (and the reverse is also true).

So should I run from my pachyderm problem? Or should I let one or more of these emotions/situations gravitate into my personal comfort zone, or even embrace one?

Who knows?

Life's full of mysteries... consider this one of them!

Perfect Storms

OK so it seems I have gone quiet again... so what has happened?

Truth be known, February wasn't a great month for me, not at all; in fact it turned out to be something of a perfect storm.

I started out quite low on fuel (that is to say I'd been watching out for a few of my friends who had been struggling lately and had felt very little in the way of input from my peers). That in itsaelf I could contend with, until it seemed that the Almighty decided to weigh in with something of a surprise...

It was the first Sunday in February and I found myself attending a commissioning service presided over by thate new Bishop of Coventry The Right Reverend Christopher Cocksworth. In his sermon he focused in on one verse...

just one tiny, little verse...

It was however a verse that I have history with. It was Genesis 2:18, which reads:

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

Why should that verse cause me such a problem? Well, quite simply it's the verse I used to appeal to God with when highlighting the situation in my personal life. It was quite literally as if God was holding a delayed action mirror up to me.... and all the emotion I'd been pourring out to him over those years in the past was being knocked back into my court.

I felt slightly aggrieved to say the least. You see I'd made a bit of a commitment last year not to revisit that area of my life and just get on with things. I felt very strongly that God had "broken the ceasefire" don't misunderstand me here, God is sovereign and knows what is best for every one of us... if he decides to break the ceasefire it's because he as the right to do so... and IS right to do so...

... that doesn't mean you have to like it though. It also doesn't mean that it won't hurt.

After the service, a good friend asked the question why myself and three other people seemed to have been left in the cold while so many other people were sorted.

At the time I remember stating something along the lines of in my case that maybe it was because i wasn't prepared to sell out and compromise my beliefs just to get what I wanted.

It just so happened that the next Sunday was Valentine's Day which for me at least,is normally a non-event... in fact this is something I've grown used to from childhood (except for a period of a few years when I wish it had been a non-event). Normally I just pay it no heed and get on with the day... telling myself it's just a stupid commercial thing that cashes in on people's emotions.

However as I was still feeling raw from my experience the week before, I couldn't handle it as well as I normally would. In fact... so bothered was I, that had I not been on coffee that morning I would definitely have skipped on church (I knew it was a dead cert it would come up in the sermon because I knew the style of the vicar who was preaching that day).

I sooooo wanted to do a Jonah, but it was not to be.

I then started to hear of another friend's suffering, and I started to become quite angry with people who were from my perspective "living the dream" and yet complaining about extremely minor problems while ignoring the plight of those around them.

It seems the view becomes extremely clouded when you sit atop an ivory tower.

The third element of my perfect storm came within a week of these things.... and I cannot discuss it openly because it would do more harm than good.

Suffice it to say that a sitiuation arose that left me feeling surplus to requirements and extremely underappreciated. It was made worse by the way it was handled (both in the way it was sold to me, and the logistics of how it came about). It meant that on what was meant to be a day of celebration, I was feeling extremely awkward.

And following this, I received an email that made it clear things had not just been falsely sold to me... but to others as well, and a response was required that as of this time I have not felt able to commit to.

The worst of it though has been the stonewall silence of a few people. When I was extremely low, I poured out how I felt and recieved no response at all... oh that's not true, within 6 hours I had a request for help from them which coincided with their ignorance of how I felt.

I'm not naming them... I'm not the sort to do that, but something has changed. Normally I'd suck this up and just accept it. I'm not doing that anymore. In the past I'd be worried about people concerned reading this... for fear of it affecting friendship negatively. However that isn't really the truth of things is it? The fact is that I have no reason to hide my feelings on this... for it is they who are the belligerent party.

We are now moving into March and I'm finding as I emerge from the crucible of February's inferno, a new sense of resolve deep within on many fronts.

I have realised that in terms of relationships, hen you say you'll leave something a lone... what you do isn't nearly as important as how or why you do it. I've sat out of circles where I could meet people... but by doing that I've retained the issue at centre circle, I should have actually got out there and been more social and just put the issue in a cupboard... but no I had to be a martyr. This I seek to change.

As to friendships, I'm going to be more assertive. The friends of mine who are truly in need, I'm going to rally and lift. Those who are taking advantage of my symbiotic nature and behaving in parasitical manner are going to learn that there is no holding back now. If they cross me, they will know about it. I recently came across a clip from an old western:

Ok so it isn't the greatest of flicks but the message is clear:

In all your dealings with me, you may believe that I don't think or act in a manner that you are used to in your dealings with others; that is merely because of the way I choose to act in response to you. It's not that I don't know how perhaps I should respond like others... I just chose not to before because you matter to me. However, do not forget that I also matter... and from now on you will understand that it wasn't because I didn't know how to responbd like everyone else, I just don't typically have a mindset where I have a use for those responses. Don't confuise the two different states of mind.

Or to put it another way and to quote a recent Thor graphic novel:

"There is only one difference. In this time, and this place, I am no longer holding back."
 





NB I appreciate this was a long and fairly angsty post but I wanted to get my muse, my writing mojo back... and this seemed a good way to clear the air in a manner that might achieve that.

It's Nothing Personal

A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with a friend about the way I handle some of the injustices I see in the world around me.

He pointed out that I always take it personally, I always make it about my own issues with life. I believe this a form of what many psychologists would call transference.

It permeates so many of my attitudes in both personal encounters and international politics. It is both a strength and a weakness. It is the former because it reflects empathy, which I believe lies at the heart of loving your neighbour as yourself. However it is also a weakness because if left unchecked, it puts you at the centre of things... which isn't healthy. It also leaves me exposed to attack.

Many years ago, my parents were once told by my art teacher, that I had a very powerful imagination... but that I had a tendency to act without focus, I let my raw emotions and imagination control what I put down on paper. It was a strength because I conveyed powerful themes, it was a weakness because there was so much going on, so many ideas flowing onto the empty paper in front of me; that it was hard to understand the message that was at the heart of my work.

Sometimes more is less and less is more.

It's one thing to be passionate, it's quite another to be reckless and utterly governed by your emotions... and when I see injustices in other people's lives, I am often governed by my emotions.

Conversely when it comes to acting on behalf of myself, I find myself confined by procrastination and inaction.

I need to find balance and refinement.

In my favourite sequence from the film Highlander, Connor (Christopher Lambert) is being taught by Ramirez (Sean Connery). He is taught among many things, that if he overextends his thrust, he becomes off balance and vulnerable. This is exactly what happens with me. when I become emotionally attached to a topic. I throw my weight so readily into the battle, that I leave myself wide open. Sure I score a few mighty blows against what I'm facing... but I'm clumsy and I take a heck of a beating in response.

Ramirez teaches Connor that he must learn to harness his power.

This is something I need to do also.... under God's direction.

I can't go on being all or nothing. I can't just move from procrastination to nuclear assault and back again. I need to be passionate but measured.

Roger Morris once advised me that if I was not careful, I ran the risk of living my life defined by others... and he's right. I need to take on board what my friend said about taking things personally... but I must not assume I am completely wrong... because I am not my friend... I am me. My role and purpose in life is not identical to his. I must not allow myself to be made in the image of others. God has a shape in mind for the man I am to become and it's not the shape of any one person I know.

After all, "love your neighbour as yourself" is the SECOND greatest commandment. The FIRST is to "love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength". We need to make sure that God is at the centre and not ourselves, or anyone else.

Jesus had the complete human emotional experience... but never once did any one of those emotions overrule the most important emotion of all... love for the Father.

I intend to touch more on the subject of being defined by others"in the near future. For now though I want to leave you with this thought:

Listen to your friends, and heed their advice, but don't make pleasing them the heart of what you do. Don't lose sight of who and what God called you to be. You can serve your friends and yourself better by making sure God remains at the centre of things. I'm not talking religion here, I'm not talking about merely obeying what your vicar or pastor says... I'm not talking about surrendering your emotions to doctrine like a robot.I'm talking about taking your emotions and thoughts to God and engaging with him on these things. A relationship with God is not about rejecting your emotions and passions... it's about embracing them in the context of his will.

Feral

I'm sorry that I've been absent for some time.

I'm not that productive at this time of year, I really do struggle. I somehow think I'm supposed to hibernate from the end of October to the end of February.

Do you think I could persuade my doctor to sign me off sick with "hibernation"?

It's got to be worth giving it a go!

Can you imagine? A quarter of a year off work spent in bed because the Doctor says you have a justifiable medical need for it.

Anyway aside from all this, I've found myself in a bit of a wild state. It seems that apart from trying to fend off the lethargy that comes during the winter months, I'm getting overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions.

I find this quite strange because I'm sure my head should be winding down from stuff like that now... not cranking it back up!

Perhaps it doesn't work like that. Maybe we don't fade up and down with the seasons... perhaps we hit erratic highs and lows while we slow down in Winter or speed up in Spring.

All I know is that at the moment I'm really sensitive to stuff.... positive and negative. It's not leading me anywhere dodgy or bad.... but it's there all the same, my feral side - the part of me that reacts instinctively to the situations and emotions I'm presented with, and pays no heed to any ideas of analysis or procrastination I might normally subscribe to.

Oh well, I'm just going to enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts and milk it for all it's worth.

God bless

N

Moving Swiftly On

As you may have gathered, yesterday was pretty intense and my post was verging on primal.

Since that time, I've had opportunity to reflect on the things that have hurt me and think I have found a way of coming to terms with the things that irritate me and as a result, I'm more philosophical about going forwards.

I was sitting in my car and praying about my feelings, my attitude and the events and actions that led up to them. I suddenly became aware that there is a lesson to be learned here... I've learned it before in another area of my life.

It's the lesson of letting go.

In surgery there comes a time when those operating have to agree that the battle is lost and continuing is a waste of resources. Similarly, while saving the past is a noble pursuit... it must not be done at the expense of the present or future. God knows I have a stubborn streak running right through me. Is it just stubbornness though... or is it actually arrogance? When everyone else walks away, I remain... because some part of me thinks I can hold the centre.

But is it actually my place to hold the centre?

No it isn't. This is riding a dead horse. If I keep devoting my energies to people who have disappeared over the horizon, I'm not going to be able to be there for the people who are to come... and I'm going to burn myself out.

I learned this many years ago in respect of relationships... and now I realise it's equally applicable here.

Let the dead bury the dead.

That's not to say I will slam the door on people who have come and gone... it just means I have no need of their approval... and I'm not being held back any more.

You see it's occurred to me, this is just another step on the road I'm travelling... a necessary one. When I go to Israel next year, who knows what I'm going to discover? One thing I do know though... if I go out there still looking back, I'm going to miss the moments.

In fact, that is just as true now... isn't it?

So onwards I travel... and no longer shall I let my gaze linger on the road behind me.

Now is it just synchronicity that "The Times They Are A-Changin" is playing on my Last.fm radio.

Surviving the Tempest

I have passed through the storm.

The latest personal struggles I have wrestled with have not overcome me and i thank God for that. I was stretched and hard pressed in the face of my old insecurities and now I understand why. I suffered because it bothered me that people... even Christians tend not to listen to me... and the enemy wanted to remind me oh so much. However as wily as evil is it always, ALWAYS makes the same mistake... it becomes overconfident and overextends its thrust.

Sure enough when I was on my knees in despair a misunderstanding flared up between me and a couple of brothers/sisters in Christ that threatened my entire relationship with the Body of Christ - that is, the Church. I could have just been hostile or shrink away dejected at what had happened... but despite my feelings, I sought the Lord in my troubles - I asked him to use the day's set scripture in Every Day With Jesus to be relevant to what was happening and speak to me about the situation. Here is the verse that stood out most:

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

I felt convicted about my emotions and my fears. While it's true that we all have them, it is not always healthy to base our actions entirely on them. You see, I conformed to my fear of being ignored. It governed my actions. If I felt depressed about not being listened to, I obsessed over it and hankered after people all the more. Deprived of contact by people around me, I wallowed in hurt and pestered people. Looking back it's been a dominant factor.

I wonder why God chose now of all times to call it to account? It feels like he had been filling me up like a jug for some time but was holding his hand across a hole in the bottom of me to stop the water falling out. It then felt like he took the hand away so that I'd notice the water falling out and call on Him to fix me.

Maybe this is something new I'm learning and if so, I offer you this same pearl of wisdom:

If God's hand wasn't there to cover each hole in the first place we'd never get filled with His blessing. That God sometimes chooses to take His hand away so we notice the sense of being blessed seemingly ebbing away, isn't an act of negligence or callousness on His part... but a way for us to understand we have a need to be healed... and the means to find that healing in Christ.

In my case I got others to pray for me and do you know what... I've not been bothered the slightest since. I need to remember this victory, lest I fall back into the same conformity that damaged me before.

It is not merely enough to strip ourselves of the ungodly armour that protects us - I had done that... but it was insufficient. we have to clothe ourselves in God's might too, there's no room for Conan the Barbarian in God's army we need to protect ourselves and one another by relying on God.

I felt God saying to me that if I place too much value on how other people, even Christians feeling about what I say... then how can he use me to say the hard things that may need to be said soon?

Could it be that God is preparing his people in this area... for something major soon?

I pray it is so

blessings

N

Bits & Bobs

My sister was knocked off her bicycle in London the other day. I would post up a few pictures, but I don't think she really wants me to. Needless to say she looks like she's been in the ring with Tyson... although I assure you if that were the case, he'd have come off MUCH worse... I talk from my own experience as a sibling. In her own words though, she currently looks like Pete Burns - so you can imagine how swollen her face is!

Psycho drivers cutting up cyclists on left hand turns is a trait typical of any sprawling metropolis. I have no love for cities, they are way too claustrophobic for my liking. I prefer to visit them and be blown away by their architecture and scale. They are good in small doses. For the most part, I like to walk down the street with a good deal of personal space... can't be doing with playing sardines on the pavement. I've always felt that packing people tightly into an urban environment is asking for trouble. When people live within that much proximity of one another, I can't help but think that it helps encourage road rage. Without personal space and the ability to get out of the constant gaze peoples faces... I can't help but think it's a contributing factor to road rage and aggressive relations between neighbours.

So here's hoping and praying for a swift recovery for my sis Charlotte!

On a lighter note I was mucking about with Yahoo's music video feature the other night and I was really impressed! Not only can you browse for music video's by your favourite artists, if you are signed into Yahoo... then you can also personalise the video player to suit your own music tastes. this appears to work in a similar way to Amazon's recommendation system. It takes data that you supply it with (in this case, your rating of music videos that Yahoo's player randomly selects) and compares it with songs/artists that other people who rated it well, have also chosen. All I can say is that it's both fantastic and addictive. You can rate things from OK to unmissable and you can even block songs or artists who you find offensive or downright dull. I took great delight in wiping out the entire Westlife back catalogue! I don't think I'll bother sticking Cd's in the computer for a while I've had so much fun!

And finally in totally unrelated news, my habit of having strange and vivid dreams seems to be resurfacing... and it is having noticeable effects on my psyche. Rather annoying effects. There's a rather attractive and seemingly nice girl who works for one of the local estate agents, it's been a pleasant experience passing like ships in the night every evening at the Post Office. However, ever since I had the dream last night I've felt like I should maintain a safe distance. Not out of fear or anything negative. It's just in my dream, I saw a girl who I was very keen on a while ago after a brief encounter... and when I woke up I just felt that showing any interest in any other girl would be wrong and disrespectful. This is CRAZY! I owe no particular loyalty to the girl, to the best of my knowledge she has never reciprocated any of the feelings I had for her... if the poor lass was even aware of how I felt at all... I'm like Mr Invisible here sneaking around in the shadows tying his guts in knots with endless "what ifs" and "maybes". Even if there were hope, she is a long way away. What is wrong with me... no matter how much distance I try to put between myself and any emotional attachment to her... a couple of months later she always seems to crop up in my subconscious! Is there no getting away from this? I feel like Sisyphus!

Any psychologists who can offer advice as to what my subconscious is trying to do to me (apart from drive me insane) are welcome to chip in and offer there opinions... this is damaging my calm!

Normal service will resume shortly...

Favourite advert at present is the Tetley's advert with the guy turning up to a pub fancy dress party that has a movie theme. Not only does he arrive in full replica Roman Armour (presumably as General Maximus from Gladiator), but he turns up with an entire Roman legion with ballistas and catapults to boot! Awesome. that's my style.... all or nothing!

Scar Tissue

"You asked me if I have scars? Yessir, I have my scars."
Bill Roberts "Young Guns 2"

This is a little heavy but please bear with me:

It was a month before my second birthday and my mother and I were at my grandmother's bungalow, for a social call. Mum and gran were busy chatting over a cup of tea, whereas I was wandering around exploring and playing like toddlers do.

Suddenly there was a crashing sound and the terrible noise of a child screaming in agony. Mum had taken her eyes off of me for 1 second... a single second; but sometimes a single second is all it takes. I had managed to stray into the kitchen and tipped hot tea on myself. The ambulance was called, I was rushed to hospital and treated for liquid burns to my chest, left forearm and chin. The damage had begun to scab over, but I am told that it was not healing in a correct manner and so the medical staff removed the scabbing and dressed the burns again.

I have no physical memory of this event.

Nor do I have any memory of the countless times following my injury that a district nurse would come round and replace my dressings, while dad locked our normally placid labrador "Saber" in the kitchen in an attempt to stop him from savagely "protecting me" from the woman who always made me cry.

Before these events, I was an outgoing adventurous little boy - I walked and I talked pretty early on in my development... but all that was taken away, the day my accident happened. I had to learn all over again... but this time my nature had changed - I had become very introverted. The doctor told my mother this was not unusual - my confidence was robbed and I was a lot more fearful of consequence. All of this information about my past comes from my mum and dad.

Curiously as I grew up the scars on my chest and arm never bothered me (the one on my chin healed completely), it was only after I had gone through puberty and was at college... and really for the first time became seriously interested in girls, that I suddenly became aware of this blight on my body. Since that time I do my best to stay covered up, I don't walk round in warm weather without a t-shirt on. I take great care to make sure nobody is around when I get changed... and I never go swimming.

Those scars are not the deepest ones... look at those and you look merely at the tip of a large iceberg. Those physical injuries left much deeper, more subtle emotional and psychological injuries. I had picked up a whole load of insecurities and as I grew up, I learned various defences and protective measures that were not good for me. I learned if I played the fool I could keep people at a distance, that I could limit how near they got to me. It was incredibly succesful - I played the world for a fool and got away with it. A friend the other day best described my former attitude by using a Simon & Garfunkel song:

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December;

I am alone,

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I've built walls,

A fortress deep and mighty,

That none may penetrate.

I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

Don't talk of love,

But I've heard the words before;

It's sleeping in my memory.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me;

I am shielded in my armor,

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

It's lies of course.

If you are a rock you feel the deepest pain - loneliness. Someone forged the famous saying that "no man is an island". That man did not know me. I kept everyone on the outside and the scary thing is that they probably never knew it. If anyone was worthwhile I guess I figured they would be able to fight their way into my little enchanted castle. That's not a fair burden to put on people... and if you do, they won't understand what game you are playing and will turn away anyway. They will see the fool on the surface but will not perceive the true person inside.

Gradually as I have walked the line of my personal faith in Christ... he has set me free from the desire to lock myself away in the darkest cuboard. Nowadays I don't live there, but when I am hurt I still run away and hide inside it. Still to this day many people from my past are poisoned by their former attitude to me - and fail to grasp who I am. I am suspicious of many people around me who have "known" me a long time, some of them don't seem to have my best interests at heart.

These things seem pretty much like curses and they need to be broken.

I genuinely want to start challenging the damage that has been done. God didn't design me to be insecure or introverted! When I was born I was a risk taker, I was an extrovert by design. Do you have any idea what it is like to be an extrovert trapped in the body of an introvert? The nearest parallel I can think of is that bit in Robocop where, the hero goes to arrest an official but a mysterious directive blocks him and starts to shut him down. That's what it is like - having some kind of reflex action preventing you from taking even the safest of gambles. I want done with it! I want to be free from the eternal debating that goes on in my mind of what every possible action, reaction and consequence will evolve from my decisions. I want to go out there and be what I'm meant to be - what I know I'm best at... being the man who is not afraid to step out of line for my own personal goals or God's greater glory.

I want to have the courage to just walk up to a girl and strike up a conversation without fear of what may come of it.

I want to step forward in confidence with the things I know... proclaim them and make them known to the people around me for God.

I want to be a little less conscienscous. Not in a bad way - I just don't want to be a doormat anymore. I don't want to run the risk of committing myself to a relationship that is bad for me just because I'm afraid of hurting the other persons feelings. I'm no good to anyone when all my time is taken over one person.

Perhaps it's a little late for New Year's Resolutions... and I'm painfullly aware of the fact I don't even know where to start; but start I must - I can't keep deferring my life. All I know is that I have to trust that God will unlock the necessary doors given time... and I must trust Him. Maybe I can start by reminding myself of some words from a favourite hymn:

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

I have already come.

'Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far

And Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His Word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures.

I'd trust the reliability of God's shield over my personal psychological armour any day. The big question is, do I really have the wisdom to choose it?

Do you?

Taking Stock

Recently I've run the full spectrum of emotions in my walk with God. I've been happy, miserable, calm, angry, depressed, elated, full of hope, full of despair, in turmoil and at peace.

I was incredibly frustrated because despite being obedient in one situation and repentant in another, he still didn't seem to budge. It was like "what do I have to do to persuade you I need you to act on my behalf?"

When I get upset if I think a friend or superior is being too hard on me or asking too much of me, I tend to react by working all the harder something like "if by doing more than you expect I crack up or reach breaking point, you were the one who caused it, so you can pick up the pieces of your broken friend". I've learned through this, that sadly I can be a bit like that with God too... and that is not a good thing, it's something I need to be mindful of and change the way I work.

I went out to a bridge where I occasionally go to think... and hammered out a few things in prayer. So if you saw a strange man in black standing above the A46/A435 Arrow roundabout at 10pm last night... that was me! when I woke up this morning I felt a lot more calmer and rational. I'm not as agitated or anxious about my current situation as I was. In fact I have this feeling that whatever God is going to do with regard to his assurances to me... something is going to happen soon. The word SOON keeps resonating within me, so I live in hope.

As you know, at the Maze we were studying the wisdom literature of the Bible... and crazy as it may seem, I feel like I've been living out the books in my lifestyle. Hopefully I'm nearing the end of my Ecclesiastes phase now and can move on.

At the Maze, one think that stayed with me more was the three H's... the need to be HUMAN, HONEST and HUMBLE in our response/dialogue with God. Well I've certainly been doing that lately. Honestly though people, if you are in a situation and you are angry or depressed... even if it's with God.... take it to Him, it does you good to unload it at his feet. Just be respectful of who he is when you do it. Yes you may feel unfairly treated, yes you may think life is cruel... but always remember that God is righteous and whatever he is doing... in the final analysis or the bigger picture - whatever you wish to call it, his will is perfect and he will do right by you.

Call on him.

Nick

Where Do I Go Now?

Very recently I have struggled with a situation that has burdened me greatly. Very recently I've grown fond of someone, but because of trying to stay faithful to the Lord... I did not act upon it. That totally tore me in two. I was involved in an activity that meant being focussed on God, and that means it's inappropriate to use that time to further other agendas... at least that is what it means for me.

On Friday I was in a worship session and I was quite literally reduced to tears as God hit me with a Bible verse...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

The first part of that sentence cut me deep, because that is EXACTLY how I have felt for months. I think God was helping me express my feelings on this matter.

I was especially moved, because I had suffered by holding back. I think God was acknowledging this and speaking to my heart.

However, now the context is appropriate... I want to try and press on. How do I do this? How can I reconnect and tell her I'd like to go out for a drink or something... totally out of the blue?

I'm really stuck now, she is a reasonable distance away, I have no obvious reason to call up. My only choices are to trust in the prayers of myself and my friends. Maybe it was just a test and God has someone better out there for me... who knows? All I know is I would bend over backwards, move Heaven and Earth if it were in my authority... just to reach out and embrace the slightest chink of warm daylight from her... just to taste a little fulfillment in my hopes.

However, it's not in my authority... it's in God's. The one thing I won't do (or at least don't INTEND to do), is disobey Him with respect to this.

I looked up the proverbs verse in the amplified version of the bible, it read like this:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

That version gives me the most encouragement because it draws a connection between the deferred hope and the fulfilled desire. One way or the other I have faith that god is going to bless this area of my life. How - I don't know, when - I don't know, who - I don't know (but I do wish with all my heart at present it's the same person, they are both faithful to God and a joy to behold).

God is good. What will he do?

A Close Shave

I’ve had a very narrow escape. On Friday night, I was considering going to a night out at one of the local pubs with a few friends from my old Fellowship… that will not be happening now. Last night, I was texting a few people with regard to the spectacular and extraordinary Liverpool victory in the Champion’s League final (whilst simultaneously taking yet another opportunity to poke fun at Man Utd.)

The person organising the Friday event telephoned me over a misunderstanding about the game. While doing so, he asked me if I was coming on Friday and told me who else was. There’s only about four others going, and one of them is the girl who caused me trouble over the New Year.

She was the one who dithered and swung to and fro for months as to whether or not she wanted to be a friend or have a relationship, backing off when I advanced and advancing whenever I backed off.

Really, whether she was aware of this consciously or not. All she was treating me as was an “inbetweener”. She was using me as a prop until the next guy came along. A lot of girls want to have their cake and eat it. She wanted someone who was a physical type, who was a bit of a bad lad, but also strong in faith… in that order! Yet every time she has gone down that road before, she has been used or tossed away like an oily rag. I was trying to teach her another way of living, and at first it seemed to be working. However, the pull of her past actions was too great and she played to her previous form.

It came to a head, when I basically laid my cards on the table in a letter. She knew how I felt, if she wanted to be a friend… I’d be a friend, but if she was to go out with me properly, the time for messing about was over… the time for a decision was now.

Whichever road she’d have taken I would have freely accepted. Yet the next time we saw each other, she made the fatal mistake of blanking me completely. No real friend does that. So when a note came through the post saying she wanted to be just friends, I cut loose. I was being used, and that was completely unacceptable. I am glad I have moved on (several times actually).

I suppose one of the reasons I felt so strongly about this, is that I had become a mentor to her. So I actually felt betrayed by someone I regarded as my student (Obi-Wan style). It's not the first time this has happened, I just hope it doesn't happen too many more times, and that the people who I help coach don't keep kicking me in the teeth!

If more people were going tomorrow, I’d be OK. I’d have plenty of scope to keep my distance. However, with only a handful things would be too close and I’d probably have it out with her, which she wouldn’t be able to take.

I’ll maintain my policy of keeping a distance while the option remains. A gentleman will walk but never run.