Monday, August 08, 2005

Where Do I Go Now?

Very recently I have struggled with a situation that has burdened me greatly. Very recently I've grown fond of someone, but because of trying to stay faithful to the Lord... I did not act upon it. That totally tore me in two. I was involved in an activity that meant being focussed on God, and that means it's inappropriate to use that time to further other agendas... at least that is what it means for me.

On Friday I was in a worship session and I was quite literally reduced to tears as God hit me with a Bible verse...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

The first part of that sentence cut me deep, because that is EXACTLY how I have felt for months. I think God was helping me express my feelings on this matter.

I was especially moved, because I had suffered by holding back. I think God was acknowledging this and speaking to my heart.

However, now the context is appropriate... I want to try and press on. How do I do this? How can I reconnect and tell her I'd like to go out for a drink or something... totally out of the blue?

I'm really stuck now, she is a reasonable distance away, I have no obvious reason to call up. My only choices are to trust in the prayers of myself and my friends. Maybe it was just a test and God has someone better out there for me... who knows? All I know is I would bend over backwards, move Heaven and Earth if it were in my authority... just to reach out and embrace the slightest chink of warm daylight from her... just to taste a little fulfillment in my hopes.

However, it's not in my authority... it's in God's. The one thing I won't do (or at least don't INTEND to do), is disobey Him with respect to this.

I looked up the proverbs verse in the amplified version of the bible, it read like this:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

That version gives me the most encouragement because it draws a connection between the deferred hope and the fulfilled desire. One way or the other I have faith that god is going to bless this area of my life. How - I don't know, when - I don't know, who - I don't know (but I do wish with all my heart at present it's the same person, they are both faithful to God and a joy to behold).

God is good. What will he do?

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