It's Nothing Personal

A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with a friend about the way I handle some of the injustices I see in the world around me.

He pointed out that I always take it personally, I always make it about my own issues with life. I believe this a form of what many psychologists would call transference.

It permeates so many of my attitudes in both personal encounters and international politics. It is both a strength and a weakness. It is the former because it reflects empathy, which I believe lies at the heart of loving your neighbour as yourself. However it is also a weakness because if left unchecked, it puts you at the centre of things... which isn't healthy. It also leaves me exposed to attack.

Many years ago, my parents were once told by my art teacher, that I had a very powerful imagination... but that I had a tendency to act without focus, I let my raw emotions and imagination control what I put down on paper. It was a strength because I conveyed powerful themes, it was a weakness because there was so much going on, so many ideas flowing onto the empty paper in front of me; that it was hard to understand the message that was at the heart of my work.

Sometimes more is less and less is more.

It's one thing to be passionate, it's quite another to be reckless and utterly governed by your emotions... and when I see injustices in other people's lives, I am often governed by my emotions.

Conversely when it comes to acting on behalf of myself, I find myself confined by procrastination and inaction.

I need to find balance and refinement.

In my favourite sequence from the film Highlander, Connor (Christopher Lambert) is being taught by Ramirez (Sean Connery). He is taught among many things, that if he overextends his thrust, he becomes off balance and vulnerable. This is exactly what happens with me. when I become emotionally attached to a topic. I throw my weight so readily into the battle, that I leave myself wide open. Sure I score a few mighty blows against what I'm facing... but I'm clumsy and I take a heck of a beating in response.

Ramirez teaches Connor that he must learn to harness his power.

This is something I need to do also.... under God's direction.

I can't go on being all or nothing. I can't just move from procrastination to nuclear assault and back again. I need to be passionate but measured.

Roger Morris once advised me that if I was not careful, I ran the risk of living my life defined by others... and he's right. I need to take on board what my friend said about taking things personally... but I must not assume I am completely wrong... because I am not my friend... I am me. My role and purpose in life is not identical to his. I must not allow myself to be made in the image of others. God has a shape in mind for the man I am to become and it's not the shape of any one person I know.

After all, "love your neighbour as yourself" is the SECOND greatest commandment. The FIRST is to "love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength". We need to make sure that God is at the centre and not ourselves, or anyone else.

Jesus had the complete human emotional experience... but never once did any one of those emotions overrule the most important emotion of all... love for the Father.

I intend to touch more on the subject of being defined by others"in the near future. For now though I want to leave you with this thought:

Listen to your friends, and heed their advice, but don't make pleasing them the heart of what you do. Don't lose sight of who and what God called you to be. You can serve your friends and yourself better by making sure God remains at the centre of things. I'm not talking religion here, I'm not talking about merely obeying what your vicar or pastor says... I'm not talking about surrendering your emotions to doctrine like a robot.I'm talking about taking your emotions and thoughts to God and engaging with him on these things. A relationship with God is not about rejecting your emotions and passions... it's about embracing them in the context of his will.

Scar Tissue

"You asked me if I have scars? Yessir, I have my scars."
Bill Roberts "Young Guns 2"

This is a little heavy but please bear with me:

It was a month before my second birthday and my mother and I were at my grandmother's bungalow, for a social call. Mum and gran were busy chatting over a cup of tea, whereas I was wandering around exploring and playing like toddlers do.

Suddenly there was a crashing sound and the terrible noise of a child screaming in agony. Mum had taken her eyes off of me for 1 second... a single second; but sometimes a single second is all it takes. I had managed to stray into the kitchen and tipped hot tea on myself. The ambulance was called, I was rushed to hospital and treated for liquid burns to my chest, left forearm and chin. The damage had begun to scab over, but I am told that it was not healing in a correct manner and so the medical staff removed the scabbing and dressed the burns again.

I have no physical memory of this event.

Nor do I have any memory of the countless times following my injury that a district nurse would come round and replace my dressings, while dad locked our normally placid labrador "Saber" in the kitchen in an attempt to stop him from savagely "protecting me" from the woman who always made me cry.

Before these events, I was an outgoing adventurous little boy - I walked and I talked pretty early on in my development... but all that was taken away, the day my accident happened. I had to learn all over again... but this time my nature had changed - I had become very introverted. The doctor told my mother this was not unusual - my confidence was robbed and I was a lot more fearful of consequence. All of this information about my past comes from my mum and dad.

Curiously as I grew up the scars on my chest and arm never bothered me (the one on my chin healed completely), it was only after I had gone through puberty and was at college... and really for the first time became seriously interested in girls, that I suddenly became aware of this blight on my body. Since that time I do my best to stay covered up, I don't walk round in warm weather without a t-shirt on. I take great care to make sure nobody is around when I get changed... and I never go swimming.

Those scars are not the deepest ones... look at those and you look merely at the tip of a large iceberg. Those physical injuries left much deeper, more subtle emotional and psychological injuries. I had picked up a whole load of insecurities and as I grew up, I learned various defences and protective measures that were not good for me. I learned if I played the fool I could keep people at a distance, that I could limit how near they got to me. It was incredibly succesful - I played the world for a fool and got away with it. A friend the other day best described my former attitude by using a Simon & Garfunkel song:

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December;

I am alone,

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I've built walls,

A fortress deep and mighty,

That none may penetrate.

I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

Don't talk of love,

But I've heard the words before;

It's sleeping in my memory.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me;

I am shielded in my armor,

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

It's lies of course.

If you are a rock you feel the deepest pain - loneliness. Someone forged the famous saying that "no man is an island". That man did not know me. I kept everyone on the outside and the scary thing is that they probably never knew it. If anyone was worthwhile I guess I figured they would be able to fight their way into my little enchanted castle. That's not a fair burden to put on people... and if you do, they won't understand what game you are playing and will turn away anyway. They will see the fool on the surface but will not perceive the true person inside.

Gradually as I have walked the line of my personal faith in Christ... he has set me free from the desire to lock myself away in the darkest cuboard. Nowadays I don't live there, but when I am hurt I still run away and hide inside it. Still to this day many people from my past are poisoned by their former attitude to me - and fail to grasp who I am. I am suspicious of many people around me who have "known" me a long time, some of them don't seem to have my best interests at heart.

These things seem pretty much like curses and they need to be broken.

I genuinely want to start challenging the damage that has been done. God didn't design me to be insecure or introverted! When I was born I was a risk taker, I was an extrovert by design. Do you have any idea what it is like to be an extrovert trapped in the body of an introvert? The nearest parallel I can think of is that bit in Robocop where, the hero goes to arrest an official but a mysterious directive blocks him and starts to shut him down. That's what it is like - having some kind of reflex action preventing you from taking even the safest of gambles. I want done with it! I want to be free from the eternal debating that goes on in my mind of what every possible action, reaction and consequence will evolve from my decisions. I want to go out there and be what I'm meant to be - what I know I'm best at... being the man who is not afraid to step out of line for my own personal goals or God's greater glory.

I want to have the courage to just walk up to a girl and strike up a conversation without fear of what may come of it.

I want to step forward in confidence with the things I know... proclaim them and make them known to the people around me for God.

I want to be a little less conscienscous. Not in a bad way - I just don't want to be a doormat anymore. I don't want to run the risk of committing myself to a relationship that is bad for me just because I'm afraid of hurting the other persons feelings. I'm no good to anyone when all my time is taken over one person.

Perhaps it's a little late for New Year's Resolutions... and I'm painfullly aware of the fact I don't even know where to start; but start I must - I can't keep deferring my life. All I know is that I have to trust that God will unlock the necessary doors given time... and I must trust Him. Maybe I can start by reminding myself of some words from a favourite hymn:

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

I have already come.

'Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far

And Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His Word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures.

I'd trust the reliability of God's shield over my personal psychological armour any day. The big question is, do I really have the wisdom to choose it?

Do you?

Small Men

I was horrified the other day, to hear the latest outburst from Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. For those who are unaware, Mr Ahmadinejad publically declared that the Holocaust was a myth. Of course, Mr Ahmadinejad is only referring to the Jewish holocaust... for that is the only one that is affected by his prejudice. I'm sure he would not deny the massacre of Poles, Gypsies and Communists... because they are of no interest to him. You see, he wants the nation state of Israel to become non existent.

I was watching the television with my father, the last time Mr Ahmadinejad spoke out declaring that Israel should be "wiped off the map". My heart was grieved and my blood started to bubble up. Dad sat there calmly puffing on his pipe and said "it's because he is small!" That sounded rather un "PC", so I asked him to expand on what he meant. Dad simply pointed out a psychological truth: that many men of small stature subconsciously feel intimidated around others, and so use aggressive political gesturing... to compensate. Great isn't it? A nation is being governed by a man with an inferiority complex.

I have to say, to a certain degree I am in agreement with my father. I have witnessed similar actions by similar people in my life. The worst bully in my secondary school was one of the shortest lad's in our year. Somebody else I know frivolously cracks on to every girl in sight irrespective of whether he or they are in a relationship or not, oh I'm sure most of the time he isn't going to take it further... but I find it disturbing that he uses girls in this way... just to satisfy his inferiority complex and appease his ego.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not suggesting all short men are ruled by inferiority complexes that make them bad people... I'm just saying it's something a few short men are prone to. In truth there are tall men in stature who are very small men at heart... there are also very short men who are giants of compassion and nobility. It's the psychology I'm assaulting, not the height.

It is not enough to recognise these men and their actions for what they are, that is no solution in itself. Mr Ahmadinejad governs a country that has expressed a nuclear interest. Whether or not his polical rhetoric comes from posturing, or from his own mistaken deep-seated beliefs; he cannot afford to gamble with such aggressive statements. Even if it is not his intention to act on such flawed ideological whims... there are people in this world who will either believe he is... or use his statements to suggest he is. It has happened before... very recently. He would do well to read the story of the boy who cried "wolf"... for his situation is a mirror image of it. He makes inane statements and nobody seems to act, so he continues.

One day the wolf may come.

Then who will heed him?

I'm not a strong supporter of US foreign policy, but I would imagine Ahmadinehad is the perfect worm to bait the hungry hawks whose feet are swift rush into blood!

Oh, and for anybody who is left in any doubt about the Holocaust, the estimates for Jews slain are reckoned between 4.1 - 6 million. Non Jewish victims including Gypsies, POW's, homosexuals and Russians amounted to around 5-6 million... for every death a name, for every name a face... stolen in acts of abhorrence.

It happened.

For more information on the story this article refers to, go here.

For more information on the Holocaust, go here.