Perfect Storms

OK so it seems I have gone quiet again... so what has happened?

Truth be known, February wasn't a great month for me, not at all; in fact it turned out to be something of a perfect storm.

I started out quite low on fuel (that is to say I'd been watching out for a few of my friends who had been struggling lately and had felt very little in the way of input from my peers). That in itsaelf I could contend with, until it seemed that the Almighty decided to weigh in with something of a surprise...

It was the first Sunday in February and I found myself attending a commissioning service presided over by thate new Bishop of Coventry The Right Reverend Christopher Cocksworth. In his sermon he focused in on one verse...

just one tiny, little verse...

It was however a verse that I have history with. It was Genesis 2:18, which reads:

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

Why should that verse cause me such a problem? Well, quite simply it's the verse I used to appeal to God with when highlighting the situation in my personal life. It was quite literally as if God was holding a delayed action mirror up to me.... and all the emotion I'd been pourring out to him over those years in the past was being knocked back into my court.

I felt slightly aggrieved to say the least. You see I'd made a bit of a commitment last year not to revisit that area of my life and just get on with things. I felt very strongly that God had "broken the ceasefire" don't misunderstand me here, God is sovereign and knows what is best for every one of us... if he decides to break the ceasefire it's because he as the right to do so... and IS right to do so...

... that doesn't mean you have to like it though. It also doesn't mean that it won't hurt.

After the service, a good friend asked the question why myself and three other people seemed to have been left in the cold while so many other people were sorted.

At the time I remember stating something along the lines of in my case that maybe it was because i wasn't prepared to sell out and compromise my beliefs just to get what I wanted.

It just so happened that the next Sunday was Valentine's Day which for me at least,is normally a non-event... in fact this is something I've grown used to from childhood (except for a period of a few years when I wish it had been a non-event). Normally I just pay it no heed and get on with the day... telling myself it's just a stupid commercial thing that cashes in on people's emotions.

However as I was still feeling raw from my experience the week before, I couldn't handle it as well as I normally would. In fact... so bothered was I, that had I not been on coffee that morning I would definitely have skipped on church (I knew it was a dead cert it would come up in the sermon because I knew the style of the vicar who was preaching that day).

I sooooo wanted to do a Jonah, but it was not to be.

I then started to hear of another friend's suffering, and I started to become quite angry with people who were from my perspective "living the dream" and yet complaining about extremely minor problems while ignoring the plight of those around them.

It seems the view becomes extremely clouded when you sit atop an ivory tower.

The third element of my perfect storm came within a week of these things.... and I cannot discuss it openly because it would do more harm than good.

Suffice it to say that a sitiuation arose that left me feeling surplus to requirements and extremely underappreciated. It was made worse by the way it was handled (both in the way it was sold to me, and the logistics of how it came about). It meant that on what was meant to be a day of celebration, I was feeling extremely awkward.

And following this, I received an email that made it clear things had not just been falsely sold to me... but to others as well, and a response was required that as of this time I have not felt able to commit to.

The worst of it though has been the stonewall silence of a few people. When I was extremely low, I poured out how I felt and recieved no response at all... oh that's not true, within 6 hours I had a request for help from them which coincided with their ignorance of how I felt.

I'm not naming them... I'm not the sort to do that, but something has changed. Normally I'd suck this up and just accept it. I'm not doing that anymore. In the past I'd be worried about people concerned reading this... for fear of it affecting friendship negatively. However that isn't really the truth of things is it? The fact is that I have no reason to hide my feelings on this... for it is they who are the belligerent party.

We are now moving into March and I'm finding as I emerge from the crucible of February's inferno, a new sense of resolve deep within on many fronts.

I have realised that in terms of relationships, hen you say you'll leave something a lone... what you do isn't nearly as important as how or why you do it. I've sat out of circles where I could meet people... but by doing that I've retained the issue at centre circle, I should have actually got out there and been more social and just put the issue in a cupboard... but no I had to be a martyr. This I seek to change.

As to friendships, I'm going to be more assertive. The friends of mine who are truly in need, I'm going to rally and lift. Those who are taking advantage of my symbiotic nature and behaving in parasitical manner are going to learn that there is no holding back now. If they cross me, they will know about it. I recently came across a clip from an old western:

Ok so it isn't the greatest of flicks but the message is clear:

In all your dealings with me, you may believe that I don't think or act in a manner that you are used to in your dealings with others; that is merely because of the way I choose to act in response to you. It's not that I don't know how perhaps I should respond like others... I just chose not to before because you matter to me. However, do not forget that I also matter... and from now on you will understand that it wasn't because I didn't know how to responbd like everyone else, I just don't typically have a mindset where I have a use for those responses. Don't confuise the two different states of mind.

Or to put it another way and to quote a recent Thor graphic novel:

"There is only one difference. In this time, and this place, I am no longer holding back."
 





NB I appreciate this was a long and fairly angsty post but I wanted to get my muse, my writing mojo back... and this seemed a good way to clear the air in a manner that might achieve that.

Topsy Turvy

This week's been a strange one to say the least.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I feel like I've been lugging around a mountain full of Kryptonite based on my own decisions and commitments.

It became intolerably heavy and I was really struggling with it... but just as I came to cracking point, God enabled someone to understand my position exactly; they know who they are and they have my eternal gratitude for their perception and kindness.

So one minute I'm nosediving and the next, I'm levelling off and have strength for the road ahead once more.

Actually come to think there's a verse in "For All the Saints" (a song which we didn't sing around All Saints Day this year), I've been thinking about it over the past few days:

And when the strife is fierce, the warfare long,
steals on the ear the distant triumph song,
and hearts are brave again, and arms are strong.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

When you think that this weekend marks the Festival of Remembrance, that takes on extra meaning. How weary must our nation's soldiers feel... bearing the heavy burden of a war they did not ask for and in many ways are not thanked for. How important to them is the need to hear the songs of victory and spiritual homecoming... that we so often take for granted.

On the slim chance that any servicemen reading this, you are not alone... and when we hear the stories of sacrifice that seem to come in so frequently... please know that you are not far from our thoughts and prayers.

Though my blog post is not about that, I felt it would be crass and insensitive not to make that point.

Going back to the hymn verse, I feel that it's something we all need to experience. In my blog post "Listen...", I referenced Elijah's encounter with God at Horeb.

However before that encounter, Elijah had felt despondent and unable to carry on. It took a visit from an angel of the Lord to give him the physical and spiritual nourishment he needed in order to continue on his journey.

God knows that sometimes we let ourselves get run into the ground (even and sometimes especially in his service).

He always provides the strength we need to continue.

The next part of my week that somewhat came out of the blue, was the revelation that a student I went to college with years ago, was and is a Christian (although during our shared time at college, she was going through a rebellious phase).

I'd always been quite open about my beliefs at college and aside from my friendship with Dom (a friend who I'd known since school), I'd always assumed I'd been alone on that front.

How do you react when you learn something like that?

Well, one worldly way of looking at it, would be to turn inwardly... be selfish and feel bitter - "all those times when I was getting knocked for my faith... where were you?"

However that is not the Godly way to look at it. In truth I take no umbrage and am not in the remotest sense or slightest way upset.

I am merely overcome with deep joy, that someone I had known as a colleague for a short time is actually a fellow worker and sister in Christ.

In a topsy turvy week, you can choose how to look at things... on this occasion I think I chose wisely.

Later in the week I lost my keys... and spent a whole 24 hours moping about the fact and a further 24 hours without personal transport.

I searched everywhere around the office and retraced my steps to no avail. I visited the police station to report them missing but held little hope because last time something like this happened, nobody was honest enough to hand them in (I am assured by the people around me that the latter scenario is the norm.... a fact I truly struggle to comprehend).

I set the wheels in motion to get myself a new car key as over a day had passed and I was getting fed up of relying on the inefficiency of regional public transport. I did however have this nagging gut feeling that they keys would show up... and I should have trusted my instinct, because when I got home after the second day... there was a message on the phone advising me of the safe return of my keys.

In a topsy turvy week you can choose how to look at things... on that occasion I think I chose poorly.

All in all a very up and down week. I am just thankful to God and the friends I have, that I have been able to navigate my way through it.

It's Nothing Personal

A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with a friend about the way I handle some of the injustices I see in the world around me.

He pointed out that I always take it personally, I always make it about my own issues with life. I believe this a form of what many psychologists would call transference.

It permeates so many of my attitudes in both personal encounters and international politics. It is both a strength and a weakness. It is the former because it reflects empathy, which I believe lies at the heart of loving your neighbour as yourself. However it is also a weakness because if left unchecked, it puts you at the centre of things... which isn't healthy. It also leaves me exposed to attack.

Many years ago, my parents were once told by my art teacher, that I had a very powerful imagination... but that I had a tendency to act without focus, I let my raw emotions and imagination control what I put down on paper. It was a strength because I conveyed powerful themes, it was a weakness because there was so much going on, so many ideas flowing onto the empty paper in front of me; that it was hard to understand the message that was at the heart of my work.

Sometimes more is less and less is more.

It's one thing to be passionate, it's quite another to be reckless and utterly governed by your emotions... and when I see injustices in other people's lives, I am often governed by my emotions.

Conversely when it comes to acting on behalf of myself, I find myself confined by procrastination and inaction.

I need to find balance and refinement.

In my favourite sequence from the film Highlander, Connor (Christopher Lambert) is being taught by Ramirez (Sean Connery). He is taught among many things, that if he overextends his thrust, he becomes off balance and vulnerable. This is exactly what happens with me. when I become emotionally attached to a topic. I throw my weight so readily into the battle, that I leave myself wide open. Sure I score a few mighty blows against what I'm facing... but I'm clumsy and I take a heck of a beating in response.

Ramirez teaches Connor that he must learn to harness his power.

This is something I need to do also.... under God's direction.

I can't go on being all or nothing. I can't just move from procrastination to nuclear assault and back again. I need to be passionate but measured.

Roger Morris once advised me that if I was not careful, I ran the risk of living my life defined by others... and he's right. I need to take on board what my friend said about taking things personally... but I must not assume I am completely wrong... because I am not my friend... I am me. My role and purpose in life is not identical to his. I must not allow myself to be made in the image of others. God has a shape in mind for the man I am to become and it's not the shape of any one person I know.

After all, "love your neighbour as yourself" is the SECOND greatest commandment. The FIRST is to "love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength". We need to make sure that God is at the centre and not ourselves, or anyone else.

Jesus had the complete human emotional experience... but never once did any one of those emotions overrule the most important emotion of all... love for the Father.

I intend to touch more on the subject of being defined by others"in the near future. For now though I want to leave you with this thought:

Listen to your friends, and heed their advice, but don't make pleasing them the heart of what you do. Don't lose sight of who and what God called you to be. You can serve your friends and yourself better by making sure God remains at the centre of things. I'm not talking religion here, I'm not talking about merely obeying what your vicar or pastor says... I'm not talking about surrendering your emotions to doctrine like a robot.I'm talking about taking your emotions and thoughts to God and engaging with him on these things. A relationship with God is not about rejecting your emotions and passions... it's about embracing them in the context of his will.

Moving Swiftly On

As you may have gathered, yesterday was pretty intense and my post was verging on primal.

Since that time, I've had opportunity to reflect on the things that have hurt me and think I have found a way of coming to terms with the things that irritate me and as a result, I'm more philosophical about going forwards.

I was sitting in my car and praying about my feelings, my attitude and the events and actions that led up to them. I suddenly became aware that there is a lesson to be learned here... I've learned it before in another area of my life.

It's the lesson of letting go.

In surgery there comes a time when those operating have to agree that the battle is lost and continuing is a waste of resources. Similarly, while saving the past is a noble pursuit... it must not be done at the expense of the present or future. God knows I have a stubborn streak running right through me. Is it just stubbornness though... or is it actually arrogance? When everyone else walks away, I remain... because some part of me thinks I can hold the centre.

But is it actually my place to hold the centre?

No it isn't. This is riding a dead horse. If I keep devoting my energies to people who have disappeared over the horizon, I'm not going to be able to be there for the people who are to come... and I'm going to burn myself out.

I learned this many years ago in respect of relationships... and now I realise it's equally applicable here.

Let the dead bury the dead.

That's not to say I will slam the door on people who have come and gone... it just means I have no need of their approval... and I'm not being held back any more.

You see it's occurred to me, this is just another step on the road I'm travelling... a necessary one. When I go to Israel next year, who knows what I'm going to discover? One thing I do know though... if I go out there still looking back, I'm going to miss the moments.

In fact, that is just as true now... isn't it?

So onwards I travel... and no longer shall I let my gaze linger on the road behind me.

Now is it just synchronicity that "The Times They Are A-Changin" is playing on my Last.fm radio.

Doldrums

I've had a pretty uncomfortable couple of days.

Forgive me for what is going to be a little history lesson but thinking back, I believe it all started while I was meeting a couple of friends, who during the course of conversation were putting forward the idea of a reunion of sorts. This reminded me of a time when I was let down bitterly by many good friends. We used to meet and have a reunion once a year in the pub... but this started to become impractical and I organised a meet up at my own home. Despite people's promises and the effort I put in, almost no-one showed up... most painfully of all, it was some of the people who I am (maybe I should say was) closest to, who let me down... and I haven't forgotten.

You know it is remarkable how self-absorbed people can be... it really is and it is getting to be ridiculous. People always come to me with problems they want to share, or prayer requests... and yet on the rare occasions I go to them with even the slightest concern, they start rubbing their chin like a dodgy plumber and coming over all "tricky, could be tricky... not sure I can fit it in really".

The truth is that people when they get their slice of pie on this Earth, can be very neglectful of the friends they leave behind. Yes I know people have other commitments... but to completely shut out those people who have helped contribute to who you are today? Disgusting. I mean take for example when people return to town after a long time away... do they ever bother to ring or text for a night out? No.

They have forgotten.

I think what really hurts though, is to see people enjoying the things you can only dream of... and then on the odd occasion when they stuff things up or need help, they come to the one person whose plate is practically empty to ask for bread.

It's been rough... I had a bad Monday at work, and I'm being faced with an overload of people celebrating their own blessings... whilst I'm feeling somewhat of an outcast/exile. I think this is all being exacerbated by a change in the seasons... and I'm sure these feelings will pass. However even if they do.... will the reasons for them also disappear?

Unrequited love is a terrible thing... but how much worse is unrequited friendship?

Go to the Correct Source

Yesterday's post was quite angst ridden... and rightly so, given the position I felt I was in. I make no apology for that.

However, I didn't just sit and brood over those feelings... I took them to church and decided to wrestle them through with God. When I got to church I was greeted by this little lady:

A bedraggled spaniel who had somehow gone off on a misadventure after escaping her owner. She had clearly been through the River Alne several times... not to mention several hedges backwards. It was a seemingly random encounter... but I later remembered that I had felt a similar way just over a year ago... and I had written the following "parable" in a blog:

Once there was a dog who liked to play fetch. He would often go up to the children in the churchyard with sticks or balls. All he wanted was for them to throw something out for him to chase after, to show a little friendship and affection... yet all the boys and girls would ever do is ignore him, shove him away or abuse him by beating him with the sticks he had brought... all this merely because they either didn't want him around or just didn't understand what he was really about. Yet despite his bruises the dog never gave up hope that he would be accepted for who he was.

I thought it was at the very least interesting that God should cause me to have an encounter in the "real world" that would remind me of that.

Anyway, this morning's reading was a real challenge for me:

"One Sabbath, when Jesus went to eat in the house of a prominent Pharisee, he was being carefully watched... ...When he noticed how the guests picked the places of honor at the table, he told them this parable: "When someone invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited. If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, 'Give this man your seat.' Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place. But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, 'Friend, move up to a better place.' Then you will be honored in the presence of all your fellow guests. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.""

Luke 14:1, 7-14

It wasn't easy for me to hear that... especially the second bit, given the way I've been feeling over the last couple of days. However, I believe I understood the point God was making - it was totally in line with what he was saying to me the other week... I think we were just "reading the next chapter".

I can't put my friendships on such a level that they come between me and God. Now you might think that is harsh but I think God is just helping me address an imbalance caused from how I used to live my life. Until my late teens, I shut myself away from others by letting them think I was a different person to the real me. It was very important for me to keep people at a distance - I wanted to be liked, but not loved. I created an elaborate labyrinth of "Excalibur tests" for people to negotiate if they were truly to be worthy of knowing me.

You might think that was pomposity at it's worst...but actually it was down to my insecurities.

Of course I soon learned the error of my ways... when people weren't interested in knowing me on a more intimate level... because they thought I was just a random likable idiot who just goofed around a lot. People saw me more as a pet than a person I reckon... and since those times I've devoted a lot of energy into trying to prove their misconceptions wrong... probably too much energy.

So, I feel that God was pulling me up on that, reminding me that even if the people I care about aren't always going to be there for me... He will always be there for me. Spurred on by this, I decided to take it up in prayer with a couple of other people.

I am ever so grateful for that... because my strengths were listed in prayer through others and reaffirmed for me in my heart by God... and though I did not ask for it, it was prayed that people would actually realise my genuine value both as a Christian and a human being. I felt a lot more at peace... and when I got home, I realised that a couple of minor things - straws that broke the camel;s back... had been answered.

So I think I can draw a line under this particular episode...but I hope I have provoked people to value their friendships - past and present... and to not take them for granted.

One thing I have to be watchful of though is how I seem to be under constant fire from different angles. It seems every fortnight I've had some great big boulder to wrestle with... it's just encouraging that for once, I seem to have taken them to the right source in the first instance...not as a last resort.

If anything in your life is causing you to wrestle... I pray that God grants you the wisdom to take it up with him.

God bless

N

PS... please pray for a friend of mine who I have not heard from in about a week, the last I heard... she was feeling very depressed and I am growing concerned. Though I only know her through the Internet I am considering calling her up.

Thank you.

The Parable of the Lost Friends

I'm feeling a little isolated from people at the moment, there doesn't seem to be many people around.

When I do get some much coveted time with a good friend, I overindulge and end up late for some random appointment. Such was the case last Sunday, as I found myself about half an hour late for lunch... with a 4 mile journey on bicycle standing between me and my meal. This, after visiting an old friend at her church... and then talking to her son and daughter-in-law who had turned up just as I was leaving.

Although I am changing and growing as a person, there are some things within that don't change. I am always here for those I know... or have known - no matter how distant their own lives have carried them. It has been a pleasant surprise for me to be able to bump into old faces on Facebook who I haven's seen in ages... in some cases I haven't been close to those people...but now I'm in contact I will offer them the same level of attention that I have given those who I already speak to.

In fact, I might be responding to those "prodigal" friends a bit more readily... because I have become disillusioned and disappointed with many people I know... even those I count as good friends (and yes... I do still count them as good friends).

To quote Bilbo Baggins:

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve".

As time has progressed, it becomes more and more painfully obvious that the only time I seem to hear from these people... is when they need something, have a prayer request... or want to notify the world of some major event in their life. They never stop to ask how I am, they never just call me up or get in touch just to catch up. No, I'm just their spiritual butler. This is not fellowship... it should not be one way.

Of course, they have their own lives and they are busy... but I was online for a long time last night... and so were a couple of them. Yet they never returned my messages.

I am so disappointed... and the only reason I am disappointed, is that they know better than this... if they didn't I'd be more inclined to let it ride.

More and more, it is the people from the past who are letting me down... either because they won't snap out of the idea that I'm the same dorky, irrelevant kid I was back then; or because of their reluctance to do their part in keeping friendships alive. They are as much "lost friends" as the ones who have fallen off the radar completely.

There's a big part of me that has had enough and just wants to up sticks and go. However... it isn't in my nature, I'm a soft touch and I'll always want to give people that one last chance. I've quoted it before and here I'll do it again:

In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him
til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains
Yes he still remains

It occurs to me I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm willing to bet God empathises totally. While I've been typing this out I've been thinking about the Parable of the Lost Son, you can click on the link provided if you aren't familiar or just want to reacquaint yourself with it.

Many Christians believe that in their own way, both the sons who feature in the story were lost in their own way... and I am one of those who share this opinion. You have the younger son who goes away and loses contact, yet realises the error of his ways. You also have the elder son, who remains with his father... but who is wrapped up in his duties and doesn't stop to think of the relationship he has got.

At this point I understand how the father felt about the way both sons treated him...and it really isn't good.

If you go to church regular already... don't just do the church stuff, flipping well talk to God! If you have just started talking to God in your life... welcome home. If you are still out there...come on home - supper's nearly ready!

As for me and my situation:

I pray that my old friends will wake up,

my returning friends will be keen to rekindle old acquaintance into new fellowship,

my new friends will get to know me properly...

and that I reach out to embrace new friendships.

Two Viewpoints

It occurred to me today that often we fall into one of two types of flawed behaviour, when it comes to how we live out our lives.

The first type are "the grass is always greener" crowd. People who follow this path, have little conviction when it comes to commitment and loyalty, if a better offer comes along... they are off to pastures new.

The second type are the "you made your own bed, lie in it" crowd. I know all about them! In the past, that is the group I have most closely associated with. These are people who value loyalty and commitment so highly that if they make the wrong choice, they stubbornly refuse to get out and instead try to make the best of a bad deal.

The sensible people are those who fall in between... but I wonder in reality, how many people that actually amounts to. It would come as no surprise to me if they were in the minority.

I have a problem with the first group I mentioned... I don't like it when people act like locusts, especially in matters of friendship and relationships. I find it unacceptable that a person can come along, strip mine another individual for all their goodness and then leave them when the next best thing comes along. It is wrong. How does a person justify such an attitude in their own heart? Of course the truth is that it probably never crosses their mind... and for that... if it weren't for the terrible damage they cause to others by their behaviour, perhaps they would have more of my pity.

However the second group, the one I have followed in the past... don't believe in hurting others, they don't understand that there are times when it is OK to get out... that sometimes staying is the wrong option. If you are slowly being devoured in body mind or spirit through a friendship or relationship... I think it is OK to escape.

True friendships and relationships are built on symbiosis (two or more separate individuals working together to benefit one another). Too often we can fall into the trap of parasitic relationships - where one party takes advantage of the other.

I strongly encourage you to think carefully before making a big decision either way about your relations with others. If you are thinking of walking out on someone, ask yourself why. Ask yourself is it really worth it. Ask yourself if you are thinking of what is best for both people, or if you are just trying to have your cake and eat it.

Similarly if you are on the receiving end, if you are in a relationship with someone where you feel obligated to helping them, ask yourself if you are really helping them by spoon feeding them. Are you losing sight of yourself, do you feel like you are slowly dying inside? Don't needlessly commit yourself down a path from which there is little or no escape.

Essentially all I'm asking you is if it is a two way thing. There is an old Korean parable of a soldier who dreams he dies and is shown Heaven and Hell. In Hell, he sees men and women wailing in despair because they are given impossibly long chopsticks with which to eat. In Heaven, the people have happy faces... and yet they have exactly the same chopsticks. the difference is in their attitude. In Hell, the people are trying to feed themselves... in Heaven they are feeding one another.

Are you getting fat off what other people feed you, whilst neglecting to return the favour?

Or are you being fed at all... or are you giving all your food away without receiving nourishment?

Please think about these questions, your long term future may one day depend on it.

Regards and blessings

Nick

Friendships Forged in Compassion

I was thinking the other day, about the things in my heart that cause me to connect with others in deep and special ways.

This came about because there is somebody I am not particularly close to... in fact I barely know them (a rueful neglect I am keen to amend), who I have suddenly felt highly compassionate towards. The change in my attitude came through a simple kind gesture of comfort (a hug) between us last week, although to be perfectly honest I'm not totally sure who was comforting who.

Reflecting back on that moment, it has suddenly hit me. My deepest friendships and relationships have always been cemented in compassion... through a shared experience when either myself, or the other person has been suffering and the other gave comfort. In truth, I think some people would be very surprised to know how closely I regard them... and there are other friends who think they are close... but really have barely scratched the surface and are not in the same league as "the few".

It all reminds me of something the apostle Paul once said:

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

Philippians 3:10-11

It sounds a little masochistic doesn't it? However I believe what Paul is talking about... is striving to know God in a deeper way. Sometimes the price of that is very high... and Paul knew all about that. Jailed, beaten, flogged, rejected and eventually beheaded for the Gospel... he truly did put his relationship with God, above his own personal welfare.

I think you'd find it very hard to argue that Paul had a deep friendship with God.

Furthermore it says in scripture:

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

He draws near to people who are in pain and takes compassion on them. People forget that when Lazarus died, Jesus didn't just casually walk up to the tomb and raise him from the dead... he was "deeply moved" and "troubled in spirit first". In fact the shortest verse in the Bible comes from that passage... and although in modern society it has been abused and relegated to a cuss phrase when something goes wrong... still it remains one of the most moving revelations of Jesus as a person:

"Jesus wept."

Luke 11:35

So God shares in our pain and comes close to us when we are hurting, if only we let him.

So you might be thinking... "oh great! If I want God to love me... I have to get the crud beaten out of me"; however, that is not what I am saying.

Remember I said earlier that my strongest friendships were based on times when either myself or the other person suffered and the other had compassion.

God desired our love and compassion so much, he became the suffering party... through his son Jesus. For me personally, Christ's sacrifice binds me to him above all others. No one has suffered as much for me and nobody loves me as much as him. nobody is as deserving of my love as him.

If you wish to experience that love, it is all there for you to take. All you need to do is recognise that you aren't right with God, repent of the way you have lived. Then, believe in Jesus and take him at his word. If he settles your account it is finished.

I realise that makes it sound like a recipe for making a cake but it really is that simple... as long as you are earnest in doing it.

Blessings

N

What's In A Name?

I've been thinking lately about our attachment to identity. We attach a lot of importance to how we are addressed, both in terms our personal names and our nationality.

Two things have brought this up for me recently, the unionist/separatist debate over the future of the United Kingdom... and one of the elements observed in the bullying of Shilpa Shetty. In the former case, I explained in an earlier post how I would feel if the UK split up (I don't consider myself English but British), obviously other people feel differently about that and it doesn't make either them or I, right or wrong. There is no state, no law that can define how we identify ourselves according to international heritage... although they can of course refuse to recognise the nation to which we claim to belong's existence. In the latter case, Ms Shetty was labelled as "Princess" or "The Indian" or had a "surname" attributed to her out of ignorance. It seemed to me that what deeply hurt her initially, was the simple refusal of some of her peers to acknowledge her by name.

I met an old schoolfriend a few years ago, his name is Andrew Cutting. At school most of the lads were nicknamed after their surnames... he was, I wasn't - guess I was lucky. When I bumped into him I slipped into the old routine and it clearly hurt him. "It's Andy, Nick... you wouldn't like it if I called you Payne". I apologised and we chatted for a brief while. I've made a mental note not to refer to anyone from my past using past contexts, unless they are OK with this.

Similarly in my hometown, you can tell the people who I know and am known by... and those who know me primarily by association with my parents. Those who know my name call me Nicholas... those who know me, call me Nick.

The key thing about names is that they define how we identify with one another, ourselves and ultimately... God. In the Bible, God gave mankind the authority to name the animals. If I point to a horse, and say there is a horse... it gives no impression of personal value. If I point to him and say "There's Binky" and he responds, you know that there is some form of basic relationship. It's the same with human beings. In the West, we find it acceptable to walk into a room and give a generic greeting. Apparently (so I've been told), in Ecuador it is extremely rude to do this, it is customary to greet everyone in the room as an individual. I think they have the right idea.

We call one another by terms of endearment, nicknames I myself have been known as "Lunar", "Lunarboy", "Pyjama-Man" and "Natrel Man". We can choose to change our name by law, if we are unhappy with it... or if our known identity becomes a danger to our existence. Women can choose to surrender their surname, in order to become associated more closely with a man in marriage. We choose names that has special meaning, significance or affection for our children. Well... OK in my case I didn't have a name for two weeks because Mum and Dad couldn't decide and in the end I was named after the local church (an embarrassing tale for another time I think).

God also changes names... at times when people have a moment in their life that changes the way they relate to him. Abram was changed to Abraham, Sarai became Sarah and as I mentioned in another previous blog, Jacob became Israel.

God himself reveals different names attributed to himself, through the Bible. In fact a key theme in the Bible is how the same God is known by a different name when he reveals a new aspect of his character to his people that marks a new point in his relationship with them.

I'm going to leave you with a meditative challenge and a selection of the Biblical names of God that I found at Lambert Dolphin's website, which also has a more in depth examination of those names.

For the meditative challenge, I want to go back to the horse/Binky scenario. I want you to imagine you are in a sunlit field, looking up to the top of a gentle hill with a friend. I'd like you to try and picture "God" (or if you are an atheist, the person with whom you most closely associate that word) appearing over the hill. When you point to God, how will you describe him to your friend? Is he just the term "God", or is he something more personal than that? If you struggle, maybe the name you seek is in the following list. Whichever name stands out the most for you at this time in your life, I'd like you to go and meditate/think about it. Perhaps if you feel brave enough you could share the name that came to you, or maybe even what came as you meditated on that name. Here is the list:

• El - God
• Elohim - God, pluralised noun(as in the Trinity).
• El Shaddai - God Almighty
• Adonai - Lord
• Jehovah - LORD
• YHWH - I AM WHO I AM" or I WILL BE WHO I WILL BE
• Jehovah-Jireh - The Lord Will Provide
• Jehovah-Rophe - The Lord Who Heals
• Jehovah-M'Kaddesh - The Lord Who Sanctifies
• Jehovah-Shalom - The Lord Our Peace
• Jehovah-Tsidkenu - The Lord Our Righteousness
• Jehovah-Rohi The Lord Our Shepherd
• Jehoivah-Shammah - The Lord Is There
• El Elyon - God Most High
• Tsemach - The Branch
• El Roi - God of Seeing
• Palet - Deliverer
• Gaol - Redeemer
• Magen - Shield
• El-Olam - Everlasting One
• Zur - God Our Rock
• Melekh - King
• Father
• Son
• Holy Spirit
• The Trinity
• The Word
• Alpha and Omega - The First and the Last
• Y'Shua
• Jesus
• Christ
• Messiah
• The Lamb of God
• Saviour
• The Innermost Friend
• Comforter
• My All In All

I'd be very interested to hear your thoughts.

Complicated

Well, this is fun!

A good friend of mine has returned to the area after several years working in Scotland. She is due to have her 30th birthday next week. She asked me if I could use my contacts to pull in as many of the old gang from Fellowship as I could.

I'm a decent bloke, when a friend asks you to do something... you do it no matter the personal cost.

I've remained largely silent in recent months with regard to sending Fellowship emails, for several reasons. The first one is that a lot of people lately just tend to be plain ignorant... if someone dropped me a line then (providing I was on ok terms with them), I would without doubt return the favour out of courtesy... even if it were just an acknowledgement. I don't even get that amount of respect from 95% of them. OK, so people are busy... but it doesn't even take 5 minutes just to say hello, "How are you doing?"

The second one is that in the past there have been a few who people tend to take advantage, they only drop me a line when they've got something to crow about and they want me to broadcast it for them. I'm not just their personal radio transmitter, I'm a human being.

The final straw for me is that there are a few people on that list who I don't get on with at present. One "friend" inparticular betrayed my trust, we were until Christmas fairly close... but when it came to choosing which way our relationship was going, she didn't have the maturity to talk about it like an adult. Instead she blanked me completely. If someone is prepared to act in such a manner, it is clear genuine friendship doesn't mean that much to them.

I'm the kind of person that trusts easily and in steadfast manner but once that trust is betrayed at a high level, in a severe way; it is very hard to get back into my circle of trust. I'm no doormat, and I do have self respect. Similarly, I prefer to take a long time before committing to a course of action, however once engaged I very rarely back out. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy on many levels.

Anyway I was asked to forward details of a party for a friend, and because of who they are and the fact they have been away from the area for so long... I made an exception. I passed it onto everyone, even the people I do not get on with. Even though I knew it might cause me trouble... I'm the honourable sort, and honour requires you do the things that cost you for your friends.

Wouldn't you know it, upon sending the email I get a text message from one of the people in my bad books, thanking me for the invite (err hello? Not my party!) and pretending like nothing has happened.

I'm sorry but when adult life confronts us with something we don't like, we shouldn't duck our heads in the sand... skipping off to fantasy land with our fingers in our ears singing "la la la not listening!". No. That behaviour is CHILDISH, not CHILDLIKE. The correct thing to do is evaluate the situation, on our own with God, or with the people close to us and then we reason it out, or form some sort of measured response. Running is never an option, at least not a effective, sensible or reasonable one.

Those are my thoughts on the subject anyway.