Feeling "Lent" Upon

As you may or may not have noticed, we are now firmly in midst of yet another gripping season of Lent.

People often assume that Lent is about giving something up, but actually the act of abstinence in itself isn't at the heart of what those of us who are Christians, do.  Interestingly a poignant and relevant bible verse cropped up twice yesterday, in two different church services I attended. It was  from the psalms:

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."

Psalm 51:16-17

The first service I attended, I was responsible for the morning's prayers and felt compelled to use the words in my petitions. In the second service of the morning, the rector of the church used the phrase in his sermon. In my mind it perfectly encapsulates what Christians should be aiming towards during Lent (and indeed in a macrocosm of this, throughout our entire lives on Earth as well). It isn't about taking a break from something naughty. It isn't about refraining from something we like. It's about taking part in a regular, committed activity that draws us nearer to God. It is the personal cost and commitment that are important, not the action. The former is the purpose is the driving force, the personal cost involved is the fuel... the actual act is merely the vehicle that transports us there.

Not being a creature of many traditional vices, I have often struggled to come up with something I felt able to commit to in terms of giving something up. This year, I opted to commit to spending at least an hour every night in a state of personal lockdown. Simply put, at as close to 6pm every night since Ash Wednesday (or as close as I can get to it, where practicable), I have shut my door, stuck some Christian music on and just put myself in God's presence for an hour. Sometimes I nod off; sometimes I prefer to choose silence over music; sometimes I try to finish a theology book I've been reading and I also try to read scripture and pray as I feel led. The format differs periodically, but whatever happens to me in that slot, is purposefully and intentionally pointing towards the presence of God.

Not that I'm boasting... far from it!

You see all that writing was just some preamble before I talk about what is really on my heart for this post... namely, the matter of when God himself seems to raise the ante.

Please excuse me for one moment if I talk somewhat vaguely on a personal matter:

I have been quite encouraged of late by some personal turns in circumstances and have been investing time, thought and energy on what may easily be a fools errand. Then, all of a sudden... just before Lent, any ideas I may have had were frustrated... that's not to say they were derailed... just that no opportunities have arisen for me to do *anything* in regard to them.

The thought has occurred to me that maybe this is not mere coincidence. I find myself asking, "What if God has decided that this is the thing *He* actually desired me to lay on the altar during Lent?" This thought is somewhat reinforced by the fact that praying over the way I felt about the matter and committing those feelings to God just prior to Lent, seems to have been the catalyst.

It's incredibly frustrating but it is very much in line with some of the things you see God doing in scripture with notable characters. Just when things seem to be turning around for a character, God throws a curve ball. Think of Abraham who after receiving a son, is seemingly called upon by God to sacrifice him... even though he is his true heir and a child of promise.  Or think of Josiah who after rejecting the ways of his fathers, embraces the worship of the one, true God... only to discover that the same God who called him to righteousness had now revealed just how far His people had fallen, just how hard the journey back into the light was going to be and that there were no shortcuts... and had then in the narrative basically challenged the new king along the lines of "Are you *really* still up for this? Your move."

Those are just two examples, but there are others. The amazing thing about these men of God, is that when God pulled the plank from under them... they didn't back down and they didn't turn away - Abraham solemnly obeyed but was delivered; Josiah tore his robes and pressed on with the reforms.

And of course these point to the greater, ultimate truth of the sacrifice Jesus Christ himself carried out in the Garden of Gethsemane.

When you are faced with such circumstances, you basically have only a few limited choices. You can stomp your feet about and yell until you get your own way (but you probably won't get anywhere, and you might not find what you wanted is all you hoped if you do - again look at Israel's demands for a king, and God's response). You can passively accept things as they have been and continue to swim against the tide and hope for a lucky break. You can lose faith in what you have already attained and walk away from all God's providence and promises.

I don't think any of these responses are correct. I don't believe God wants us to abandon hope or rob us of it any more than he wants us to try and impatiently snatch it out of his hands. I believe he wants us to surrender our hopes to Him and to entrust them to Him.

Abraham had to trust that God would somehow allow Isaac to walk away from Mount Moriah; Josiah had to trust that God would guide him and strengthen him as he reformed his nation. Jesus had to trust that in obeying his Father's will, and paying our ransom through his sacrifice, that he would be raised to new life.

In my case I have to trust that in surrendering my ideas and intentions to God, that he will give them back to me in a meaningful way that is pleasing to Him, when the relevant time is accomplished. I have resolved not to try and engineer any circumstances for opportunity myself in my personal situation until Lent ends. There may well be natural opportunities that arise, but I have committed to not explore them fully in my favour until that time, or unless God himself turns things around.

In all cases, this is hard. The flesh (the sinful aspect of our human nature), tells us there are no guarantees... that is the cost of the sacrifice and the journey. However, the Spirit  and scripture say:

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose."

Romans 8:28 (AMP)

It is this knowledge... this belief, that sustains us through our sacrifices - this and the knowledge that we have One at the Father's side who endured the greatest sacrifice and is able to show sympathy and empathy to our situation through the Spirit.

It can be a hard thing to know and accept that God is sovereign... that He is the potter and we are the clay, but at the same time, that same knowledge is at least equally reassuring.

The question we have to ask ourselves when the time comes, is are we prepared to trust our faith in the One we serve, or let our feelings about our circumstance overwhelm and dominate our actions.

For further contemplation and response:

• Have you felt leaned upon, this Lent? What are your experiences?
• What do you think of personally when you consider the idea and theme of "sacrifice"?
• How does the idea of God being "deeply concerned about us", help you when He asks you to make a personal sacrifice?

Of Samaritans and Appointments

About this time last year, several of my talks at Church had centred around the prophet Samuel and his relationship with Saul and David.  I felt quite drawn to the Old Testament passages and strongly believed that God wanted to use them to impress upon the church the difference between his criteria and our own.  This seemed especially relevant as the time began to draw near for Canon David Capron (then Rector of our minster), to retire... and many of my sermons then were aimed at preparing the congregation (at my church at least), for that time and the time to come.

 

A year has passed since then and now our minster is about to come to the climax of those times - the recruitment process for David's replacement is in full swing and the interview process takes place over the next two days.  From a human perspective if I'm honest, I'm fairly anxious about what/who comes next and worry about the process and all those involved. From a heavenly perspective, I know that God is in complete control and that he knows what/who comes next and why... so in some ways I'm conflicted.

 

Now last week I found myself responsible for prayers in the service. When I do the prayers I never completely script them, I make a few notes as to what I'm praying about... but I like to leave it as free and flexible as possible... in case anything crops up in the service (especially the readings or sermon), that inspires me in my petitions. Last Sunday was one such occasion as I felt God speak to me pretty clearly through the Parable of the Good Samaritan: 

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

"What is written in the Law?” he replied. "How do you read it?” 

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’" 

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live.” 

But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbour?”

In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he travelled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’" 

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbour to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?” 

The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” 

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise."

Luke:10:25-37

What particularly stood out for me, was how well the images and characters from the parable translate to the idea of a recruitment process. In the story, the two men who are on paper the most qualified servants of God, walk on by. Now it can be understood that those men were acting  in accordance with the law as they understood it (at the time, touching a dead body would make them ritually unclean... and so they were playing it safe... thinking that their ritualistic duties were more important.  But the Samaritan brushed all this aside... even ignored the mutual disdain between his two peoples, to make sure the needs of the wounded man were addressed.

The question "Who is my neighbour?" for those in Alcester Minster is equivalent to "Who is our leader?"

I strongly believe that what matters in choosing a new leader, is not the background and churchmanship. We should not be looking for the person who is most priestly on paper or in appearance. It doesn't matter if they don't  have the same attachment to tradition or pattern of worship as a certain clique within the church. What matters is that the person who comes, sees the needs of the churches and respective communities... and addresses them.

Going back to my preaching last year and I'm reminded that the same theme is picked up when Samuel anoints David.  Samuel is pretty confident that all of Jesse's text book hero sons are going to be God's choice of new king... and yet God ignores and rejects all of them... instead choosing the gingery runt of the family.

God makes it explicitly clear that our choices are not his choices and we need to recognise his sovereign wisdom when making appointments in the Church.

"The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7b

I believe we need to look for the neighbour... not the priest. We need to look for a person who is a wellspring of Christ's grace and mercy,  not a champion of ritual; and tradition. My prayer is that God grants the wisdom however subconsciously, to those interviewing on Tuesday

"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings."

Hosea 6:6

Doctor Who: The End of Time

I couldn't let the week pass without a review or at least a passing comment with regard to David Tennant's swan song as the 10th Doctor (but who's betting he'll be back for a multi doctor adventure in the future... even if it's just for Children in Need).

Before I go any further I have to claim bragging rights on Wilf's involvement (albeit inadvertent) in the 10th Doctor's demise... I totally called it back in November!

In terms of plot mechanics, a lot of RTD's usual problems were there (too many plot threads coming from nowhere and leading to nothing); I happen to think this is a bad habit that has come from his pathological need to pull the wool over the eyes of the fans - he leaves too many red herrings that get in the way of the story.

That aside, I found the plot very moving (particularly the last half). I was very excited at the prospect of seeing the Time lords again and equally sad to see them return to their doom. I was hoping for a sort of reset, where the Doctor becomes a renegade on the run from his race again... it certainly looked like it was going that way. I have heard speculation that the questions left by reintroducing Rassilon (albeit temporarily), the identity of the unknown Time Lady... and what happened to The Master, may actually be a set up for future Moffat stories.

Whatever you think of the plot, Tennant and Cribbins completely stole every scene they were in together.... particularly this scene in part one:

and.... well I shall come to that in a bit.

I know that Andrew and Alastair both have reservations with regard to what they perceived as an over sentimental last 20 minutes. However, I for one am a bit of a sentimentalist myself... and due to my empathic nature, I was hooked.

During The Doctor's farewells (claiming his reward... I more than think just a little that this was RTD using artistic licence to claim his own reward by saying his own fond farewells to characters he had enjoyed writing for), I was particularly touched by the farewell to Mickey and Martha and Sarah-Jane. You could see the mark of doom and what was coming written all over The Doctor's face... kudos to Tennant there. Of course, only we as the audience... and Sarah-Jane truly perceive what the Doctor's expression is saying.

Then we had the big moment... the regeneration scene. Some say it was overdone - the TARDIS exploding and catching fire might seem wrong from a purely in universe perspective... however I think it works. I believe it's bending the fourth wall without breaking it. It's an "in universe" acknowledgement of Tennant's massive contribution and importance to the revival of Doctor Who as a franchise. Yes it became popular again with Ecclestone... but Tennant magnified and consolidated that popularity and became so well established as the Doctor in the public consciousness, that he displaced even Tom Baker as the nation's favourite Doctor.

The Doctor betrayed a slither of deep anxiety and sorrow... just enough to tug on the heart strings and let us consummate the emotional response...

"I don't want to go!"

And we didn't want you to go either...

Cue the dramatic music and the special effects and the TARDIS grieved with us as flames and explosions rocked through the console room.

 

I have to say that when I first saw Matt Smith appear, I wasn't too thrilled... but seeing that scene again and again does kind of warm you to his interpretation a little. When I look at him I do see a few of the other Doctor's in him... which stands him in good stead.

and here is a sneak preview of things to come:

 

I just wanted to finish by commenting on the scene just prior to the Doctor's farewells. Apart from the cafe scene and Tennant's last words, it's the part which had the biggest emotional impact for me:

I saw this entire scene as The Doctor's equivalent of Gethsemane. Like Jesus, he had an opportunity to escape his fate and do so much more. The Doctor was under no obligation to save Wilf... he had strayed into that booth of his own accord and yes... he was an old man. past his years.  The Doctor could have achieved countless more wonders and amazing tales in  his current incarnation. There was no rational reason why the Doctor should have elected to make the supreme sacrifice.

And yet there was the perfect reason... LOVE.

The Doctor lay down his life for Wilf because he loved the person of wilf. He saw beyond the  mere circumstances... what mattered most to him was that here was a man whose well-being meant something to The Doctor.

So The Doctor literally substituted himself for Wilfred Mott.

In the same way, Jesus Christ literally substituted himself for us.  Jesus did not have to die. He could have called legions of angels down and ruled us as a god amongst men... leaving  the countless generations of the human race to be born after him , to wilt and die in our brokenness.  Being in very nature God, he could have done whatever he wanted. We didn't deserve the sacrifice he made... and if we saw him we might tell him so, just as Wilfred pleaded with the Doctor.

But Jesus loves each one of us so much that he saw it as an honour to lay down his life for us.

Too often we think of sin in the vilest terms and perhaps when we think of it's universal consequence, that's appropriate. However Wilfred Mott was not vile... he was a good man. He just ended up in a very bad situation... the wrong place, in the wrong time. Like a sheep he merely went astray.

Most of us probably don't consider ourselves vile...

... but we are broken and we have all strayed in to a very bad place by virtue of our broken nature.

Like Wilf we find ourselves encased inside a radioactive time bomb which we can do nothing about. We don't have The Doctor to come and rescue us from our fate...

but we do have Jesus:

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:6-8

A Commitment

A few weeks ago I started to make a few realisations about myself. There were certain things that I lacked (and still lack) in my life, that I was clinging to much too strongly.

I remember earlier in the year, perhaps it was even earlier than that... feeling burdened to take the path of Isaac. Isaac if you recall was the "quiet man" of the patriarchs... the biggest event in his adult life was his marriage to Rebekah... and even then, he didn't play a proactive part in the story... he was meditating in a field while Abraham's servant was doing all the hard work.

It's been true that up until recently I had been hankering after relationships like a dog chasing cars and by observing emotional similarities in other people I am close to, I realised how dangerous a thing love can be if it grows out of context.

In the past when I have fallen in love, I have fallen fast... and I have fallen deep and it has so consumed my attention that everything else... even the important things, faded into the background. the trouble with falling that fast and falling that deep, is that you also fall hard... and when you hit rock bottom... it blinking well hurts.

I recalled a time when a friend of mine gave up a relationship he was in because he felt that he "loved the other person" too much at the expense of his relationship with God... ergo, he believed his relationship to be idolatrous. I always respected him for that... always.

The wisdom of the world would tell him he would be crazy for thinking such a thing. "When you have something that precious, you never let go", they would say. But you see he was absolutely correct.

Context is everything.

If you love something so much that it blinds or at least obscures you to everything else around you... then it is idolatrous and really, if you are honest deep down... it is not love at all, it is something else...

...infatuation.

I think that in the past when I've liked a girl... it's definitely fallen into that category... even when I felt God telling me that I was to walk the way of Isaac... I just took that to mean "wait until I bring someone along and then pounce". However in hindsight, I don't think that was ever the intention.

So we come to a few weeks ago and the commitment I came to.

Essentially I've decided to go full tilt Isaac. That is to say that I'm entirely putting that area of my life on the back burner. I'm allowed to like people of course, but I'm not allowing myself to actively pursue them. That's God's turf. So either God sends someone my way or I stay out of action until I get some kind of personal message from God (I don't know... perhaps stone tablets), but either way it's not my focus anymore.

It means accepting that this could be it... the end of the line (as much as I of course don't want it to be and indeed have faith that it won't be). However, I have to make this sacrifice in order to prove to God that the idea of love and romance is not more important to me than him.

This is the point where all worldly friends and foe alike will in all probability burst out laughing and scurry away sending my name and address to the Darwin Awards... for attempting to ensure the extinction of my own genetic makeup.

Let them.

Whether or not I believe in Evolution (within the context of my belief in God) is besides the point. Whether or not I am prepared to trust my God is exactly the point.

Developments since walking this path have been... interesting to say the least. Needless to say, all secular girls who I have taken a shine to in the past have suddenly seemed to have universally had a eureka moment and have even started flirting with me... what's with that???

I'd be lying if I said things weren't in some ways awkward (there are some complicated issues... well they aren't complicated at all but... well never mind). However I'm finding I'm a lot closer to God at the moment, a great deal more energised and considerably braver when it comes to seeking out his will.

So there we have it evolutionary suicide or a leap of faith.... but it's been my decision nonetheless.

Dr Who: Gridlock

I really enjoyed tonight's installment of Doctor Who:

The episode centred around The Doctor's return to New Earth, a generation after he last visited with Rose (something that did not overly impress his new companion, Martha).

This world is very different to the one he left; oh yes the futuristic skyscrapers and spires of New New York still tower ominously over the landscape... but this time, the Doctor and Martha spend most of their time trapped below the surface in the lower levels of the city. Martha gets kidnapped and the Doctor gets stuck in the ultimate traffic jam from hell (it has been going on for 20 odd years and it takes a decade to travel as many miles in floating cars stacked vertically and laterally in every direction). Outside, the fumes are toxic and far below an old devolved enemy awaits to prey on the careless.

There is a very moving sequence where we see the various characters we have met, singing along to part of an old hymn - namely "The Old Rugged Cross", that comes across the radios to comfort the weary travellers (very appropriate considering we've just had Easter). Update as of 18th April - somebody very kindly uploaded the sequenceto YouTube, so here it is along with some of the lyrics:

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

It was a nice bit of foreshadowing, as towards the end of the episode we find out that the Face of Boe engineered the traffic jam by shutting down the city in order to prevent people contaminating themselves and dying (everybody else was dead).

As the Doctor struggles to open up the city, he realises he can't release the city's energy due to a technical hitch. It is the Face of Boe who in Christlike manner, lays down his life by giving up the last of his life energy to ensure the Doctor's success.

The world of lost sinners far below, are finally able to make their escape into the city skies above.

There seemed to be a lot of religious symbolism in the episode... two hymns and a tale of a higher being sacrificing himself for people far below, who had no means to save themselves from the perpetual cycle they were trapped in.

We also had the tantalising prophecy of the Face of Boe, to the Doctor - "you are not alone."

It was good to see the Doctor humbling himself and being honest about his feelings for the family, friends and home he lost in the Time War. It was very moving... especially as "Abide With Me" was softly sung in the background. Update as of 17th April, somebody has uploaded a clip of this sequence... so you can see the sequence:

If you saw the episode and have not really understood Christianity before... if you can, watch the episode again and look once more at that hymn. Understand that the reason Jesus Christ died, was to release us from the cycle of the sinful nature... that we just go round in circles in this planet, disobeying God until we drop down dead. Jesus opened up "crack in the sky" for us... so we wouldn't be subject to the darkness, toxicity and the perils of death any more. Jesus came in order that we may have life. Take it!

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Doctor Who continues on BBC1, Saturday evenings.

The Vigil

I have a little personal tradition that I carry out each year, one that I'd like to share with you... but first, to get things in context, let me refer you to a familiar story:

Gethsemane

They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, "Sit here while I pray." He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them. "Stay here and keep watch."

Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him."Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Simon," he said to Peter, "are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

Once more he went away and prayed the same thing. When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.

Returning the third time, he said to them, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!"

Just as he was speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, appeared. With him was a crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests, the teachers of the law, and the elders.

Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him and lead him away under guard." Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Rabbi!" and kissed him. The men seized Jesus and arrested him. Then one of those standing near drew his sword and struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear.

"Am I leading a rebellion," said Jesus, "that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me? Every day I was with you, teaching in the temple courts, and you did not arrest me. But the Scriptures must be fulfilled." Then everyone deserted him and fled.

Gethsemane is by far one of the most moving moments in history. Jesus Christ - knowing what fate is about to befall him, went to the Mount of Olives to pray. He took his closest friends with him, but they fell asleep. Another close friend comes along and betrays him... then when the crunch came... everyone abandoned him to his fate.

Yet despite all this... and despite the fact that he could have easily escaped (even from the Mount of Olives which is pretty big), he chose to stay.

He chose to stay.

For you and for me and for his Father... he chose to stay.

Something personal I like to do on Maundy Thursday (the day the Church calendar remembers the events just described), is to take a walk after midnight, through Moorfields Park:

I like to do this because when I was a child, I used to imagine it happening there... it was so real to me, I could point out different parts of the park and tell you where everything took place.

After this I travel through Bull's Head Yard, on my way to the local church:

It is along this alley that as a child, I used to picture the soldiers and guards dragging Jesus off down after his arrest. Curiously... it's the same run down set of buildings that I used to imagine the nativity might have taken place in.

Eventually I come to the church... by which time, it is about 12:30am. Nobody is usually around.... just me and God. What I try to do while I'm there, is to try and "be" with Jesus... albeit some 2,000 years too late. I just feel that he did so much for me... that the least I can do, is try to pray for him and "keep watch" with him in those few precious moments between the Last Supper and his arrest... the moments of despair and loneliness that he must have felt. Yes, I know it's silly. I know that in the human way of thinking... asking for something that has already happened is pointless. However, there are just two things that I would say to counter those arguments:

• I believe God is not bound by time... a prayer after the event, in good faith... is better than none at all.
  
• My love for God... forged on the basis of his love for me, requires me to treat him with a closeness that only the sincerest of friends and family deserve. If you saw your mother or father suffering, you'd want to help them... so why should it be any different with Jesus?

Eventually (sometimes it's 30 minutes later, sometimes an hour or so), I come out of church and return home via the route I came. I usually sit in the park for a few minutes and try to picture it all over again. Then I get as much sleep as I possibly can, before joining the March of Witness in the morning... where I usually look a little like a zombie, after having stayed up so late. In fact, having stayed up so late... just to share this with you... bed is where I should be going. So that is my little tradition. My hope is that it might get you thinking about what thoughts went through Jesus' head and heart that night... and to encourage you to appreciate them a little bit more.

God bless

N

Debtwatch 6 - The Last Lap approaches

I had a bit of a panic attack on Friday... it was payday but the BACS (Bankers Automated Clearance Services) payroll system was working very slowly... nationwide. 300,000 people had their pay withheld due to the lag; I was one such person... so was everybody else in my office for that matter.

Nevertheless when I checked my bank account today, I had indeed been paid... and all my transfers were in place. The exciting thing is that in less than one month, I will be debt-free. Five years ago, when I was still stuck in the relationship that had taken me along this path... I don't think I could have imagined that it would take me under a year to shake off all my liabilities.

I've worked hard... and God has been kind. My dad was talking to me about it tonight and I get the impression he's really proud of how I've done this... of the sacrifices I have made along the way. I can see the finish line of this journey it is not far away at all. I'm probably going to treat myself in a month or so, as a pat on the back for finishing one hard journey... before beginning the next one. No longer the road back, this time it is the road forward... a much more daunting prospect.

So this by the grace of God, is how the books are balanced at present:

Balance left on debt: £287.03
Cash in short term savings reserves: £0
Cash left in current account that I hope to spare for debt repayment £0
Estimated balance for next Debtwatch report: £0.00
Original Finish Date for completion of Payments - October 2007
Estimated Completion of Payments - MAYDAY!

Now don't all those 0's look really nice?

Unfettered Joy!

I've been thinking a lot about opportunities, threats, strengths and weaknesses lately and have come to the conclusion that some important changes are going on in me as a person.

In just merrily bumbling along in life, hoping for all the things I wanted... I very rarely looked over my shoulder and contemplated on what I already had. Always with my eyes fixed on the road ahead... I neglected many times to just consider where I was.

For one reason or another I've been thinking about my status in life - 32 and single... but you know what?

SO what!

I'm finally starting to appreciate the freedoms being single affords me... and yeah, maybe I want to settle down... but the Lord gave me these freedoms for a purpose and I'm not ready to surrender them just yet - because I haven't really used them or explored them as I know I can. Nor have I just let my hair down and relaxed around people as I know I want to. In private, I need to start flexing my spiritual muscles and train for what is ahead of me. In public, I need to learn to play.... to just have fun as I am... and not get encumbered by serious relationships that at the present time I don't really have time for.

I was thinking of a quote from a Spider-Man comic this afternoon:

Are you the man who dreamed of being a spider? Or the spider who dreamed of being a man? Are you the one... or are you the other?"

In fact the quote is actually in turn, based on one from the Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi:

One night, Zhuangzi dreamed of being a butterfly — a happy butterfly, showing off and doing things as he pleased, unaware of being Zhuangzi. Suddenly he awoke, drowsily, Zhuangzi again. And he could not tell whether it was Zhuangzi who had dreamt the butterfly or the butterfly dreaming Zhuangzi. But there must be some difference between them! This is called 'the transformation of things'.

Now looking upon those ideas literally, they seem silly. However i had a revelation today. there comes a time in a Christian's walk when he must decide for himself:

Are you the man of God who dreams of being a man with a normal everyday life... or are you the man with an everyday life, who dreams of being a man of God?

I thought I was the latter... but more and more I'm confronted with the realisation that I am the former. That isn't to say that Christianity requires the total rejection of all the things we desire in life... but it does require that they be laid on the altar as a willing sacrifice.

There is the old Star Wars philosophical joke: As a boy you want to be Luke Skywalker.... as a man you want to be Han Solo (boys want to do fancy Jedi tricks and have a light saber, men want to get the girl).

I've always wondered why you couldn't have the light saber and the girl. Maybe you can... and maybe one day I will; but for now, if I can serve God better with a "saber and Jedi powers", than I can running off with princesses, then I can do without. If I have to be a monk rather than a scoundrel then so be it. I'll happily take Gas Meter girl for a coffee if she should happen upon my complimentary email... but it ain't the end of the world if nothing comes of it. Yeah I want to bounce my own kids on my knees one day... but that is the bonus... not the sole purpose of my existence.

Remembrance

Today was one of those rare occasions where I attended my hometown church instead of my regular place of worship. I went to the outdoor section of the Remembrance Sunday service. It was quite moving because the Two minute silence conveniently began on the 1st chime of the clock at 11am, usually it's just a little bit out.

I know that some people have hang ups about Remembrance Sunday because in some places, God is cut out of the picture. However, I feel as Christians we already have insight into the culture of sacrifice... and it is important to give thanks for the spiritual freedom we enjoy eternally and the physical freedoms we enjoy... while they yet endure.

This morning I was watching a clip from "The Last Tommy", where one of the last surviving servicemen from World War I remembered the passing of three of his comrades. For him, Remembrance Day is on September 12th... because that is when his friends were taken and he escaped with an injury. He asked forlornly why they had to die. Some callous minded people might think that after living a long and fruitful life... he might have an answer to that question; but I couldn't help wondering whether he was asking that while reflecting on our world today? Have we let our forefathers down? Have we betrayed the standards that they swore to protect... even unto death?

A part of me sadly would have to answer yes. We as a nation do not treat the freedoms they preserved for us responsibly. Either we abuse them and do things that they would have regarded as abominable, or in the case of our leaders we seek to curb those freedoms.

As a Christian... I do not just believe these men and women lay down their lives for me... I also believe my God lay his life down for me.

Churchill once famously said with regard to the pilots of the Battle of Britain:

"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few."

I say this of Jesus Christ:

"Never in the field of human HISTORY was so much owed by so many to one man."

So I remember the sacrifices of my forefathers and I try to live my life responsibly out of respect for the price they paid for a free Britain. More than this out of remembrance of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, I long to live my life in a manner that pleases him... and only in his living strength can I do that.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning... we will remember them...

...but we will also remember HIM!

Remember the dead... but don't forget the Living One... in whom all have hope of new life and resurrection.

Keith Green

Now do I put this under faith or do I put it under music?

During my time at the Maze, we used a track by an artist called Keith Green in one of the small group sessions. His ministry ran from the late 70's to the early 80's. We were worried that it might seem a little dated to the young people. The track was a live performance of a praise song based on Psalm 51, called "Create in me a Clean Heart". Listening to him on that recording, you can tell that he's totally lost in worship of the Lord... it is very moving. Some of the young people have become involved in a discussion about him on the message board, and having seen a brief mention of his name in Gerry's last post... I thought maybe I was being prompted to share what little I know of him:

What I do know of him, was that he was a Christian artist, a musician gifted by God... that his influence was significant enough for the legendary Bob Dylan to hang out with him for a time. One of the most important things about his ministry was that he refused to charge people entry fee's for his concerts and insisted that there was no obligation on people to pay for his albums if they wanted to hear the music. He had quite a long running feud with Christian bookshops and record companies over that, in the end it was resolved so that shops could charge for his recording, so long as there was a sticker on the album that said in large letters "If you genuinely can't afford this music, please contact us at *** and we will tell you how you can get a copy for free".

He was so passionate about not charging people for the right to hear the Gospel through music, that when he recorded "Create in Me A Clean Heart", he credited King David as the writer.... so there were no copyright obligations (nice move)

Sadly, he died when I was still a boy... just as his material was gaining mainstream appeal. I heard that on the day of his funeral, there was a terrible thunderstorm above his estate... but nowhere else in the area. I find it amazing that he refused to charge people entry for concerts. How cool is that? Can you only imagine how influential someone with that same vision was raised up by God today would be? If Keith Green were alive today, I'd be willing to bet he would have a website allowing free downloads of "his" material (though rightly he acknowledged God as the source). The Gospel as expressed in music form would spread like wildfire. I believe this is a strong challenge to christian artists of today, many of them jealously guard copyright. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge they have a right to remuneration for their calling... but I believe their ministries could be more effective if they would be prepared to make similar sacrifices.

It's worth noting that despite Mr Green's insistence on giving his music away, God still blessed his brief ministry... and he prospered anyway.

To any budding Christian musicians out there, please read this (not as condemnation but as encouragement), from Malachi 3:8-12, I've emphasised and double emphasised that which is jumping out at me most as I write this to you, it goes back yet again to Proverbs 3... trusting in The LORD with all of our heart and not leaning on our own understanding:

"Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me. "But you ask, 'How do we rob you?' "In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse—the whole nation of you—because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not cast their fruit," says the LORD Almighty. "Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land," says the LORD Almighty."

You can learn more about Keith Green here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Green or here: http://www.kennycarter.net/KeithGreen.htm

Complicated

Well, this is fun!

A good friend of mine has returned to the area after several years working in Scotland. She is due to have her 30th birthday next week. She asked me if I could use my contacts to pull in as many of the old gang from Fellowship as I could.

I'm a decent bloke, when a friend asks you to do something... you do it no matter the personal cost.

I've remained largely silent in recent months with regard to sending Fellowship emails, for several reasons. The first one is that a lot of people lately just tend to be plain ignorant... if someone dropped me a line then (providing I was on ok terms with them), I would without doubt return the favour out of courtesy... even if it were just an acknowledgement. I don't even get that amount of respect from 95% of them. OK, so people are busy... but it doesn't even take 5 minutes just to say hello, "How are you doing?"

The second one is that in the past there have been a few who people tend to take advantage, they only drop me a line when they've got something to crow about and they want me to broadcast it for them. I'm not just their personal radio transmitter, I'm a human being.

The final straw for me is that there are a few people on that list who I don't get on with at present. One "friend" inparticular betrayed my trust, we were until Christmas fairly close... but when it came to choosing which way our relationship was going, she didn't have the maturity to talk about it like an adult. Instead she blanked me completely. If someone is prepared to act in such a manner, it is clear genuine friendship doesn't mean that much to them.

I'm the kind of person that trusts easily and in steadfast manner but once that trust is betrayed at a high level, in a severe way; it is very hard to get back into my circle of trust. I'm no doormat, and I do have self respect. Similarly, I prefer to take a long time before committing to a course of action, however once engaged I very rarely back out. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy on many levels.

Anyway I was asked to forward details of a party for a friend, and because of who they are and the fact they have been away from the area for so long... I made an exception. I passed it onto everyone, even the people I do not get on with. Even though I knew it might cause me trouble... I'm the honourable sort, and honour requires you do the things that cost you for your friends.

Wouldn't you know it, upon sending the email I get a text message from one of the people in my bad books, thanking me for the invite (err hello? Not my party!) and pretending like nothing has happened.

I'm sorry but when adult life confronts us with something we don't like, we shouldn't duck our heads in the sand... skipping off to fantasy land with our fingers in our ears singing "la la la not listening!". No. That behaviour is CHILDISH, not CHILDLIKE. The correct thing to do is evaluate the situation, on our own with God, or with the people close to us and then we reason it out, or form some sort of measured response. Running is never an option, at least not a effective, sensible or reasonable one.

Those are my thoughts on the subject anyway.

For the Cause

Earlier this afternoon I was talking to Charlotte on MSN about a couple of films. She was asking if I'd seen "The Passion of the Christ". I said no, and I explained why.

You see, when I watched Schindler's List at a friends house, I felt so much rage stirring within me that if I had seen Ralph Fiennes immediately after that film, I probably would have killed him.

It would have been worse with Passion. As a Christian, I do not believe in loving Jesus primarily for what he did. Does that sound odd? Good, I hope it get's you thinking. I love Jesus primarily for WHO HE IS. He is the Son of God and the most wonderful human being who ever walked this Earth. Of course I still love Jesus for his sacrifice, but that is not enough. That is merely the start of the journey, it is important to further your relationship with God beyond that... if it is to mean anything to you at all in the times to come. The point is, he's my friend... and you stick up for your friends. You do it not because they need defending, but because they matter to you. I'd do it for my family and I'd do it for my close friends... so how could I do any less for Jesus?

My mate once went to a passion play. Essentially it's Jesus life acted out on a summers day. When it came to the crucifixion, my friend nearly decked the roman centurions, his wife had to hold him back. He was lost in the moment. I think had he been born in the time of Jesus, he may well have done it for real... he's that kind of bloke... and so am I.

On Maunday Thursday, I sometimes go to pray at night in an empty church... because it's the time we commemorate Jesus being on his own, friendless... awaiting the hour of his betrayal. I hate to think of one I am so close to, being in that situation... so that is why I go. I know it's easy to do it 2,000 years after the event when the only enemy is not a garrison of thugs but fatigue... but that is all I can offer, so I offer it. I'd do it for my friends and family, so I'd do it for Jesus. That's why I complained about Jerry Springer: The Opera. Not because they were "attacking Christianity", (because they weren't directly) but because they were abusing the character of someone I love to attack their genuine targets.

And maybe you are thinking I was stupid to do that, maybe you are mocking me... but I'll tell you it doesn't matter a jot. You may think me a fool for fighting a battle that could not be won. That does not matter either. For:

"The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn. Say to them, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says.' And whether they listen or fail to listen—for they are a rebellious house—they will know that a prophet has been among them. And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them or their words. Do not be afraid, though briers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions. Do not be afraid of what they say or terrified by them, though they are a rebellious house. You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious. But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you." Ezekiel 2:4-8

If you don't read the Bible, that might not be something you understand... well, think Theoden in Lord of the Rings:

Gamling: Too few have come. We cannot defeat the armies of Mordor.

Theoden: No we cannot. But we will meet them in battle nonetheless.

It doesn't matter whether or not you can win. You fight battles of principle because they are right, not because they are convenient. You may get mocked, you may get scorned, you may be persecuted... but that is not the point. If you know something is wrong, you have a moral obligation to point it out. If people don't listen, that's their choice. All you have to do is play your part. All that matters is that the cause is noble, just or righteous.

It was the English philosopher Edmund Burke who said the wise words "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." If you see evil going on, and you recognise it for what it is... that is the time to act.

There are two scriptures that spring to mind with regard to being pro-active for God:

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:24

and:

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

To me those two scriptures are not just about life and death, but about any personal consequence suffered for the sake of Christ. If you are prepared to make any sacrifice for Jesus... it does not go unnoticed by him.

May God bless you and help you to make your choices.

N