Feeling "Lent" Upon

As you may or may not have noticed, we are now firmly in midst of yet another gripping season of Lent.

People often assume that Lent is about giving something up, but actually the act of abstinence in itself isn't at the heart of what those of us who are Christians, do.  Interestingly a poignant and relevant bible verse cropped up twice yesterday, in two different church services I attended. It was  from the psalms:

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."

Psalm 51:16-17

The first service I attended, I was responsible for the morning's prayers and felt compelled to use the words in my petitions. In the second service of the morning, the rector of the church used the phrase in his sermon. In my mind it perfectly encapsulates what Christians should be aiming towards during Lent (and indeed in a macrocosm of this, throughout our entire lives on Earth as well). It isn't about taking a break from something naughty. It isn't about refraining from something we like. It's about taking part in a regular, committed activity that draws us nearer to God. It is the personal cost and commitment that are important, not the action. The former is the purpose is the driving force, the personal cost involved is the fuel... the actual act is merely the vehicle that transports us there.

Not being a creature of many traditional vices, I have often struggled to come up with something I felt able to commit to in terms of giving something up. This year, I opted to commit to spending at least an hour every night in a state of personal lockdown. Simply put, at as close to 6pm every night since Ash Wednesday (or as close as I can get to it, where practicable), I have shut my door, stuck some Christian music on and just put myself in God's presence for an hour. Sometimes I nod off; sometimes I prefer to choose silence over music; sometimes I try to finish a theology book I've been reading and I also try to read scripture and pray as I feel led. The format differs periodically, but whatever happens to me in that slot, is purposefully and intentionally pointing towards the presence of God.

Not that I'm boasting... far from it!

You see all that writing was just some preamble before I talk about what is really on my heart for this post... namely, the matter of when God himself seems to raise the ante.

Please excuse me for one moment if I talk somewhat vaguely on a personal matter:

I have been quite encouraged of late by some personal turns in circumstances and have been investing time, thought and energy on what may easily be a fools errand. Then, all of a sudden... just before Lent, any ideas I may have had were frustrated... that's not to say they were derailed... just that no opportunities have arisen for me to do *anything* in regard to them.

The thought has occurred to me that maybe this is not mere coincidence. I find myself asking, "What if God has decided that this is the thing *He* actually desired me to lay on the altar during Lent?" This thought is somewhat reinforced by the fact that praying over the way I felt about the matter and committing those feelings to God just prior to Lent, seems to have been the catalyst.

It's incredibly frustrating but it is very much in line with some of the things you see God doing in scripture with notable characters. Just when things seem to be turning around for a character, God throws a curve ball. Think of Abraham who after receiving a son, is seemingly called upon by God to sacrifice him... even though he is his true heir and a child of promise.  Or think of Josiah who after rejecting the ways of his fathers, embraces the worship of the one, true God... only to discover that the same God who called him to righteousness had now revealed just how far His people had fallen, just how hard the journey back into the light was going to be and that there were no shortcuts... and had then in the narrative basically challenged the new king along the lines of "Are you *really* still up for this? Your move."

Those are just two examples, but there are others. The amazing thing about these men of God, is that when God pulled the plank from under them... they didn't back down and they didn't turn away - Abraham solemnly obeyed but was delivered; Josiah tore his robes and pressed on with the reforms.

And of course these point to the greater, ultimate truth of the sacrifice Jesus Christ himself carried out in the Garden of Gethsemane.

When you are faced with such circumstances, you basically have only a few limited choices. You can stomp your feet about and yell until you get your own way (but you probably won't get anywhere, and you might not find what you wanted is all you hoped if you do - again look at Israel's demands for a king, and God's response). You can passively accept things as they have been and continue to swim against the tide and hope for a lucky break. You can lose faith in what you have already attained and walk away from all God's providence and promises.

I don't think any of these responses are correct. I don't believe God wants us to abandon hope or rob us of it any more than he wants us to try and impatiently snatch it out of his hands. I believe he wants us to surrender our hopes to Him and to entrust them to Him.

Abraham had to trust that God would somehow allow Isaac to walk away from Mount Moriah; Josiah had to trust that God would guide him and strengthen him as he reformed his nation. Jesus had to trust that in obeying his Father's will, and paying our ransom through his sacrifice, that he would be raised to new life.

In my case I have to trust that in surrendering my ideas and intentions to God, that he will give them back to me in a meaningful way that is pleasing to Him, when the relevant time is accomplished. I have resolved not to try and engineer any circumstances for opportunity myself in my personal situation until Lent ends. There may well be natural opportunities that arise, but I have committed to not explore them fully in my favour until that time, or unless God himself turns things around.

In all cases, this is hard. The flesh (the sinful aspect of our human nature), tells us there are no guarantees... that is the cost of the sacrifice and the journey. However, the Spirit  and scripture say:

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose."

Romans 8:28 (AMP)

It is this knowledge... this belief, that sustains us through our sacrifices - this and the knowledge that we have One at the Father's side who endured the greatest sacrifice and is able to show sympathy and empathy to our situation through the Spirit.

It can be a hard thing to know and accept that God is sovereign... that He is the potter and we are the clay, but at the same time, that same knowledge is at least equally reassuring.

The question we have to ask ourselves when the time comes, is are we prepared to trust our faith in the One we serve, or let our feelings about our circumstance overwhelm and dominate our actions.

For further contemplation and response:

• Have you felt leaned upon, this Lent? What are your experiences?
• What do you think of personally when you consider the idea and theme of "sacrifice"?
• How does the idea of God being "deeply concerned about us", help you when He asks you to make a personal sacrifice?

#Vigil2012

A few nights ago, I had an odd moment of inspiration.

I decided to pull into church on my way back from work. This is not something unusual or extraordinary in itself, I often drop in on the way home, to find a moment of respite and quiet to gather my thoughts... and pray for the church's development for a few minutes.

However while I was there on this occasion, my mind drifted towards what different people do in Lent. I'm not a great person for giving things up, for which I have my reasons (I think if you are going to give something sinful up, you should do your best to give it up as permanently as possible... and not just for 40 days; I also believe fasting is something that should be enacted out of personal conviction as and when needed and not enforced primarily by the liturgical calendar).

However, there's one thing I do that if the weathers holds out, I cherish doing every year. On the night of Maundy Thursday, I travel to the edge of town and I sit and meditate for a while... usually about an hour. My method has evolved over time but my reasoning and purpose have always remained the same.

You see I'm very mindful of the moment in the Gospels where Jesus found himself emotionally isolated from his friends, due in no small part to their weariness:

"They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.”  He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled.  “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.”

 Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Simon,” he said to Peter, “are you asleep? Couldn’t you keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” 

Once more he went away and prayed the same thing. When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.

Returning the third time, he said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners."

Mark 14:32-42

Jesus prayed alone in Gethsemane

Knowing that God is not bound by time, I like to try and do my part... to keep watch for one hour. To think, pray and meditate about Jesus... in support of Jesus while in the past he is wrestling with his emotions in the garden. The very first year I did this, I went inside the local church to do it. However as I walked back home at about 3am (I was far more hardcore about it then), I decided to pause for a final moment of reflection in the park. It was then that one of those unique moments of magic that we so often miss if we are not alert to them, occurred. The church clock struck three times and over on the hills bordering the town, I heard a single lamb bleating.

That one moment defined the whole experience for me and gave me cause to try whenever I could to repeat the exercise al fresco. Following my time on the geographical Gethsemane, I went a step further and took to meditating on a hillside overlooking my town. Doing this has given me added insight because there is no light except that which you bring with you. Every noise you hear could be an animal or suspicious farmer wondering what on Earth you are doing. Every time the occasional car headlight sweeps past you from afar, you feel very exposed. These emotions have added to the experience for me... the psychological discomfort and insecurity they breed, help me to feel in a very small way, that I am sharing a minute glimpse... a microscopic  deposit of the kind of emotions that may have been with Jesus that night, many years ago.

The reason I'm bringing this up now and not merely at the time I do it, is because this year, I feel I'd like to encourage others to do something similar. This is why I've given my post a Twitter hashtag for a title. I am hoping to drum up a little support for the idea by using the hashtag #Vigil2012.

I don't imagine in a million years this is going to go viral or global... but it's something special and meaningful that I have appreciated over the years, that I want to be able to help others to discover and share in themselves.

I do appreciate that people have family commitments and in some cases a trip out into the wilderness might be inadvisable and dangerous. Do what you must to make it work for you in your personal circumstances... go in a group, or use a small room or open church, but spend the time however brief... and you won't be disappointed.

So spread the word with #Vigil2012 and if you do get involved, please let me know how you get on... I would be genuinely interested to know and share in your experience.

Blessings

Nick

All Alone in the Night?

Haven't blogged for a while, so I'd catch up by bringing you up to speed with my most recent actions.

If you are a regular reader, you may recall that back in 2009 I decided to change my meditation for Maundy Thursday. I did it as a response to having been to the Mount of Olives and concluding that perhaps the best place to get a feel for what happened back in the Garden of Gethsemane (if such a thing as at all possible - I believe we can only get a glimpse at best), I took my time of meditation into the wild... and sat on a hill overlooking the town.

Alas, last year I was unable to repeat the experience due to torrential rain. So this year - armed with the promise of a good weather (and what glorious weather it is), I resolved to return. I was especially nervous this year because the last time I went to the hill (last Autumn), there was a ridiculously oversized aggressive looking bull grazing there. As I reached the bridleway that led to the hill, my torch failed... so aside from the limited light afforded by the torch utility on my iPhone Sonic Screwdriver App... I was walking by faith, not by sight.

So many emotions ran through my head as I sat at the foot of the daffodil cross in the dead of night. There was the fear of being discovered by a surly farmer wondering what I was doing... or shish kebabed by an even surlier bull. I even had thoughts of bandits or rogues jumping out from the treeline. Or worse... LARPers.

That's the thing about the dark... isn't it? It amplifies everything... especially the negative. every sound you hear could be something coming to eat you... or worse. It gives you a great sense of being surrounded by threats and being devoid of support... alone.

That gives you some idea of some of the thoughts going through Jesus' head as his disciples lay sleeping in the background... as the wind blew, the tree branches clacked together ominously... and as the faint glow of torches and conspiratorial voices in the distance drew ominously nearer.

For him the threats were very real... as events on Good Friday proved.

Emotions are often one of the most stalwart and trustworthy allies in our human arsenal... they give us an impression of how we should respond to the world around us... and yet at times, they can quite easily be at odds with the facts.

Jesus above all people, knew that he was not alone in the garden. He prayed to his Father... who he shared a unique relationship with.... and yet from his words to his disciples, it's clear that he felt very much alone.

I find that very reassuring.

There are times when all of us feel alone... even if we know God... it can seem very much like we are fighting our battles alone. If the Son of God struggled with emotions like that, then we can be sure that the Father does not frown on us too hard when we find ourselves feeling that way.

The only thing he asks of us is that we are honest and give our emotions and struggles over to him.  If you look at the Gospel... that's exactly what Jesus did. How often though, do we cling tightly to our struggles? We become so obsessed with our battles and so proud about acknowledging they way we feel, that we neglect our greatest ally. Sometimes will not remove our circumstances... just as he did not remove "the cup" for Jesus (in the case of the former it's because we are not the centre of the universe, in the case of the latter it was because God esteemed humanity to be so precious to Him... that he deemed the suffering of his son as mandatory). Even if our circumstances are not changed though... we have the promise of God's presence and support in our lives and I don't think that is something we should dismiss as a consolation prize.

Another thing I've been doing of late, is rewatching Babylon 5. About a week or so ago I was in the latter end of Season 1. It was then that I hit upon the idea of trying to get to the season 3 episode "Passing Through Gethsemane" by Maundy Thursday... as the importance placed on events in the garden... are a central theme to the episode.

At one point the character of Brother Edward (played by Brad Dourif), is asked what is at the core of his beliefs. This is his answer:

"On the night before our Lord was crucified, he spent the night alone in the garden of Gethsemane and he knew that they were going to come for him and in a moment of weakness he asked if this cup could pass from him if he could be spared the pain and death that would come with morning; and of course the cup would not pass and the soldiers would come to Gethsemane; but he did not have to be there when they arrived. He could have chosen to leave... to postpone the inevitable for a few hours or even days. He knew what would happen but he chose to stay, to sacrifice himself and thus atone for the sins of others. A very fragile, human moment... and I've often thought about that night and I honestly don't know if I would have had the courage to have stayed."

Again it reinforces the loneliness and anguish experienced by Christ in Gethsemane... it also underlines his absolute resolve in completing his mission... the redemption of humanity. At the same time it challenges us about the level of our own convictions. When everything is called into question, when the cost is high and spiritual, emotional or even physical adversity loom over us... are we prepared to stand by our beliefs?

Brother Edward later discovers that he has a hidden past... he was once a serial killer who had been mind wiped for his crimes.... years later as an utterly benign and humble monk, he is forced to discover this truth when the relatives of his victims seek him out for revenge. Edward finds himself in a similar scenario to Christ... and following his example. He too, chooses to remain:

I find this scene extremely moving... especially the sincerity and compassion offered to Edward from Brother Theo (played by Louis Turenne), such is its impact on me that I actually well up with tears.

In his dying moments, Edward is filled with fear. Is there enough forgiveness for him... given what he has done? Theo reassures him that there is and administers the last rites.

If you ever find yourself asking yourself if there is enough forgiveness available to what you have done... then be assured the same is true for you. God's forgiveness is not based on a numeric accumulation of the wrongs you have done offset against Christ's sacrifice. It is dependent on only two things: Christ's sacrifice once for all, itself... and your genuine desire to repent of what you have done.

It doesn't matter what you have done. As long as you are willing to turn away from it with contrition, salvation and forgiveness are yours.

The final words Jesus chose to utter as he died on the cross are all about completion. Jesus effectively says it's done, over; the debt is paid, the law is satisfied.  From the minutest misdemeanor to the most grievous violation... everything is covered.

So my message to you today is simply this. If you genuinely seek forgiveness... it's there for you. Grab it with both hands and embrace it with all your heart.

A Different Vigil

As you may or may not know, on Maundy Thursday, I have in recent years had a tradition of visiting the church in my home town and sitting there in prayer for about an hour or so.

I do this in gratitude for what I believe Jesus did for me, because I like to try and give a little bit back. Knowing that he had nobody with him 2,000 years ago as he knelt and prayed with the weight of destiny and the knowledge of what he must suffer on his shoulders; I can't help but feel a sadness that his best friends couldn't keep their eyes open just for a while. So with this very much in mind and knowing that God is eternal, I go... to pray for Jesus in Gethsemane in the time leading up to his arrest, even though I know what happened. It's not that I think I'm anything fantastic, I do it completely as a response to what he first did for me.

However, having been to Israel and sat upon the Mount of Olives... I am now acutely aware that churches are perhaps not the best place to do this. Jesus did not go to the temple. Jesus went to the hill that looked across to his city, and watched over it as he prayed.I wanted to connect to that notion a little better. So last night, I changed old habits. I very nearly didn't, if the weather had been inclement... I would have abandoned the notion.

At about midnight, I took a torch and backpack and headed out to Primrose Hill. As you may know from previous Easter entries, this is the hill that every year blooms with a 30ft daffodil cross.... and this year is no exception (although the daffodils have bloomed even earlier and are know dying... and their number was somewhat diminished due to people sledging in winter).

I gingerly hopped across the A46 dual carriageway as Royal Mail lorries thundered past me deep into the night. Making my way along a bridle path, I eventually found the field that led to the hill. As I was now pretty much off the beaten track, I was quite anxious. Despite the presence of the moon, it was quite hard to make out entirely where I was going. I didn't know what critters were out there and my deepest concern was being discovered by some shotgun wielding angry farmer demanding to know my business at midnight... there was the loud sound of a gate rattling, it sounded as if someone had discovered me... but nothing came of it.

So it was that I found myself sitting above the crossbeam of the daffodil cross, illuminated only by the moon's pale light... and looking down upon the streetlights of the sleeping town of Alcester.

It was a moving experience. I really didn't feel alone. I had a great sense of God's presence as I prayed over the town... and for the historical event I was commemorating. I think it was more poignant and relevant for me to be able to do it this way. I eventually left the hill at 1am and made my way back into town. I did stop off and spend some time in the church, but being out there on the hill, really gave me a deeper appreciation and sense of "being there".

Having said that, being on a hill in the middle of nowhere is a little intimidating... especially when you aren't sure you should be there.

I am of a mind to do this again next year... but I'm seriously thinking of gathering a few brave souls to join me.... simply because I feel more could be done with a few more people.

Sorry I've been absent, had a few things on my mind lately... and for those of you who have access to the Inner Sanctum part of my blog, I may expand more a little on said things.

I have had a blog brewing for some time and I hope to post it very soon, however until that time... have an incredibly blessed Easter. Whatever you do with your time, I pray the peace of Christ that was won for us at great cost on that first Good Friday will fill your hearts and minds.

The Burden

I thought crossed my mind last night as I made my way back from my annual midnight vigil at church.

When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, we know he could have escaped. We know he was sorely tempted to do so, pleading "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

But what is special about why Jesus remained?

Many people will make the mistake of assuming that Jesus was just afraid for his life. If that were the case, there have been many people who have shared that feeling... who have remained somewhere they didn't want to be and sacrificed there life. What sets Jesus experience apart from those?

Well, Jesus had greater reason to deter him, than just mortal fear. There are two extra things that take the hardship Jesus endured on the night of his arrest... far beyond the human experience.

Firstly, there was his relationship with the Father. John's Gospel explicitly states that Jesus wasn't just God's Son... he is also of one being with the Father - they have a shared existence.

"I and the Father are one."

John 10:30

This was clearly weighing heavily on Jesus' mind as he waited anxiously for the inevitable moment when his friend Judas Iscariot, would lead an armed crowd to an eventual showdown with him. John's Gospel gives a fairly detailed account of some of the things Jesus was praying about and amongst them, we find Jesus identifying himself with the Father:

"All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one."

John 17:10-11

We can scarcely imagine or conceive quite how this relationship works, because we are so individual. I believe we have glimpses of this when we share bonds of fellowship with say, our soul mate, or close friends and family (and of course the Church as the family of God), but it must surely pale by comparison to actually sharing your existence and consciousness with someone. Imagine if your reflection in the mirror could talk back to you and share your thoughts... and then all of a sudden you wake up one morning and look in the mirror and nobody is there.

Losing someone who is close to us is a terrible thing indeed... but how much harder is it to lose someone who is actually yourself also?

I can appreciate the wording of that is a little hard to track... but then so is the concept.

The other thing that must have been weighing very heavily on Jesus' mind, was the great burden he was about to take on.... the sin of the entire human race.

When I take into account how heavily my own failings have weighed upon me in my personal past, it completely blows my mind to think that the weight of every individual person's own gallery of failure was laid upon just one man. I was helping my father move sandbags across town today and they were incredibly heavy and it provided a good metaphor: imagine if one sandbag represented a single person's burdens throughout their life. You could manage one - your own... maybe if you were really strong you could carry a few more... but only for a time. However, to carry every single sandbag for every single person? A mere man could not do it.

But Jesus was and is not a mere man. We looked in my last entry, at how Jesus' humanity is essential to the Gospel message... about how focusing on Jesus' divinity at the expense of his humanity, can detract from who he is to us... and why he came. I'm not about to do a U turn... I still believe that. However, I will say that the reverse can also true - focusing on Jesus' humanity at the expense of his divinity can also detract from the Gospel message... for other reasons. Both aspects of his nature - the divine and the human, are fundamentally important to what he did.

The immense strain of all that is wrong with this world broke Jesus heart: there are some medical experts out there who will tell you that the cause of death in the case of Jesus Christ was a ruptured heart. It is a disputed theory... but when you consider the strain Jesus went through on that first Good Friday, it is completely believable that he died of a broken heart.

The reason why he did this was prophetically recorded hundreds of years before Jesus was born:

"Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all."

Isaiah 53:4-6

And now we come to the challenge... it is all there for you: the responsibility that weighed so heavily on him, and the sheer lengths that this man - Jesus Christ went to, in order that your own burdens would not crush you.

So as you stand there with your burden - your "sandbag", what are you going to do?

Are you going to struggle on?

Or are you going to hand them all over the the One who has already paid for them?

It's entirely your choice.

Latest Thoughts on Doctor Who

I think watching Doctor Who last night might just rank as one of the most terrifying televisual experiences of my entire life.

The plot was a "Doctor lite" episode and revolved around the idea that the Doctor and Martha had been cast back to 1969 by a species of interstellar psychopathic "assassins" known as "the weeping angels". They don't kill you exactly... they remove you from your current life and send you back to some obscure point in the past, to live out your days among strangers. Fortunately for us, these assassins are "quantum locked" - if anything living sees them, they instantly turn to stone. Furthermore, they are a little like the gorgons from Greek mythology... for if they look upon one of their own kind, they become forever set in stone. Here is a clip of them in action... but I don't recommend looking at it if you are easily scared. Never has a statue been as terrifying:

I was genuinely petrified (pardon the pun).

Still... in between the heart attacks, I was more than compensated by the pleasing on screen demeanour of Carey Mulligan:

Wow! I was a very happy man. I may even have to consider making an exception to my "No Jane Austen" rule (she appeared in the recent big screen adaptation). I really hope we see much more of her acting on stage and screen... it seems likely as judging by the roles she has been winning for herself, her star is in ascendancy.

All the same, I don't think I'll be attending a cemetery or figurine sculpture exhibition for a long time to come after watching Blink. All in all, an excellent one shot drama in it's own right it was a strong enough plot not to require the presence of the Doctor.

This episode followed in the wake of last week's conclusion to a two part Doctor Who adventure... and that gave me a lot to think about.

First we had the Doctor, in the guise of "John Smith" - facing his own Gethsemane moment. To avoid being captured by "The Family of Blood" (although really as it turned out, he was trying to hold himself back from judging them), the Doctor took on human form, storing his personality in a pocket watch. Unfortunately, the problem with taking on human form, is that you also take on human feelings and human desires. It isn't long before the Doctor falls head over heels for a matron in 1913 and has grown very attached to his mortal life.

Unfortunately the Family of Blood have managed to track down the Doctor and set about causing mayhem, in pre WWI England. the only person who can stop them is The Doctor... but the Doctor is John Smith now... and if John Smith chooses to become the Doctor, then John Smith dies.

We are treated to a glimpse of what life would have held for John Smith if he had remained as a human and not become a timelord. His life literally flashes before his eyes. This is very much the kind of idea explored by Scorsese in The Last Temptation. The idea of an alternate future being presented to the hero (the Doctor/Christ), as a form of temptation. You really gain a small insight into how hard a choice Jesus made, when you look at it in that way.

That said, once the Doctor is re-established, he acts like a god... but in some ways he comes across more like a Greek god... rather than the more benevolent Christian God (I'm not saying that God does not judge, but he always offers people the opportunity to repent). He consigns all the troublemakers to live out eternity under individual terrible punishments:

• wrapped in unbreakable eternal chains
• thrown into the event horizon of a dying sun
• trapped in every mirror in existence
• and lastly...

... and most poignantly of all, one of his enemies is put to work watching the fields of England as a scarecrow. He becomes the symbol of John Smith's death and The Doctor's victory, for all to see... and as a scarecrow he tellingly symbolises that paradox, cruciform - the shape of the cross.

Here is a visual summary I found on YouTube, set to the music of Evanescence... it's been put together really well:

A good couple of episodes... and now we are hurtling towards the climax - the final three episodes of the series. I can't wait.

In a couple of days I'm going to respond to an article I read in a recent science fiction magazine. that attacked the idea of religious concepts being used as credible themes in the science fiction genre. It may be quite hefty... so watch out for it!

The Vigil

I have a little personal tradition that I carry out each year, one that I'd like to share with you... but first, to get things in context, let me refer you to a familiar story:

Gethsemane

They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, "Sit here while I pray." He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them. "Stay here and keep watch."

Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him."Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Simon," he said to Peter, "are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

Once more he went away and prayed the same thing. When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.

Returning the third time, he said to them, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!"

Just as he was speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, appeared. With him was a crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests, the teachers of the law, and the elders.

Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him and lead him away under guard." Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Rabbi!" and kissed him. The men seized Jesus and arrested him. Then one of those standing near drew his sword and struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear.

"Am I leading a rebellion," said Jesus, "that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me? Every day I was with you, teaching in the temple courts, and you did not arrest me. But the Scriptures must be fulfilled." Then everyone deserted him and fled.

Gethsemane is by far one of the most moving moments in history. Jesus Christ - knowing what fate is about to befall him, went to the Mount of Olives to pray. He took his closest friends with him, but they fell asleep. Another close friend comes along and betrays him... then when the crunch came... everyone abandoned him to his fate.

Yet despite all this... and despite the fact that he could have easily escaped (even from the Mount of Olives which is pretty big), he chose to stay.

He chose to stay.

For you and for me and for his Father... he chose to stay.

Something personal I like to do on Maundy Thursday (the day the Church calendar remembers the events just described), is to take a walk after midnight, through Moorfields Park:

I like to do this because when I was a child, I used to imagine it happening there... it was so real to me, I could point out different parts of the park and tell you where everything took place.

After this I travel through Bull's Head Yard, on my way to the local church:

It is along this alley that as a child, I used to picture the soldiers and guards dragging Jesus off down after his arrest. Curiously... it's the same run down set of buildings that I used to imagine the nativity might have taken place in.

Eventually I come to the church... by which time, it is about 12:30am. Nobody is usually around.... just me and God. What I try to do while I'm there, is to try and "be" with Jesus... albeit some 2,000 years too late. I just feel that he did so much for me... that the least I can do, is try to pray for him and "keep watch" with him in those few precious moments between the Last Supper and his arrest... the moments of despair and loneliness that he must have felt. Yes, I know it's silly. I know that in the human way of thinking... asking for something that has already happened is pointless. However, there are just two things that I would say to counter those arguments:

• I believe God is not bound by time... a prayer after the event, in good faith... is better than none at all.
  
• My love for God... forged on the basis of his love for me, requires me to treat him with a closeness that only the sincerest of friends and family deserve. If you saw your mother or father suffering, you'd want to help them... so why should it be any different with Jesus?

Eventually (sometimes it's 30 minutes later, sometimes an hour or so), I come out of church and return home via the route I came. I usually sit in the park for a few minutes and try to picture it all over again. Then I get as much sleep as I possibly can, before joining the March of Witness in the morning... where I usually look a little like a zombie, after having stayed up so late. In fact, having stayed up so late... just to share this with you... bed is where I should be going. So that is my little tradition. My hope is that it might get you thinking about what thoughts went through Jesus' head and heart that night... and to encourage you to appreciate them a little bit more.

God bless

N