Monday, October 19, 2009

A Commitment

A few weeks ago I started to make a few realisations about myself. There were certain things that I lacked (and still lack) in my life, that I was clinging to much too strongly.

I remember earlier in the year, perhaps it was even earlier than that... feeling burdened to take the path of Isaac. Isaac if you recall was the "quiet man" of the patriarchs... the biggest event in his adult life was his marriage to Rebekah... and even then, he didn't play a proactive part in the story... he was meditating in a field while Abraham's servant was doing all the hard work.

It's been true that up until recently I had been hankering after relationships like a dog chasing cars and by observing emotional similarities in other people I am close to, I realised how dangerous a thing love can be if it grows out of context.

In the past when I have fallen in love, I have fallen fast... and I have fallen deep and it has so consumed my attention that everything else... even the important things, faded into the background. the trouble with falling that fast and falling that deep, is that you also fall hard... and when you hit rock bottom... it blinking well hurts.

I recalled a time when a friend of mine gave up a relationship he was in because he felt that he "loved the other person" too much at the expense of his relationship with God... ergo, he believed his relationship to be idolatrous. I always respected him for that... always.

The wisdom of the world would tell him he would be crazy for thinking such a thing. "When you have something that precious, you never let go", they would say. But you see he was absolutely correct.

Context is everything.

If you love something so much that it blinds or at least obscures you to everything else around you... then it is idolatrous and really, if you are honest deep down... it is not love at all, it is something else...

...infatuation.

I think that in the past when I've liked a girl... it's definitely fallen into that category... even when I felt God telling me that I was to walk the way of Isaac... I just took that to mean "wait until I bring someone along and then pounce". However in hindsight, I don't think that was ever the intention.

So we come to a few weeks ago and the commitment I came to.

Essentially I've decided to go full tilt Isaac. That is to say that I'm entirely putting that area of my life on the back burner. I'm allowed to like people of course, but I'm not allowing myself to actively pursue them. That's God's turf. So either God sends someone my way or I stay out of action until I get some kind of personal message from God (I don't know... perhaps stone tablets), but either way it's not my focus anymore.

It means accepting that this could be it... the end of the line (as much as I of course don't want it to be and indeed have faith that it won't be). However, I have to make this sacrifice in order to prove to God that the idea of love and romance is not more important to me than him.

This is the point where all worldly friends and foe alike will in all probability burst out laughing and scurry away sending my name and address to the Darwin Awards... for attempting to ensure the extinction of my own genetic makeup.

Let them.

Whether or not I believe in Evolution (within the context of my belief in God) is besides the point. Whether or not I am prepared to trust my God is exactly the point.

Developments since walking this path have been... interesting to say the least. Needless to say, all secular girls who I have taken a shine to in the past have suddenly seemed to have universally had a eureka moment and have even started flirting with me... what's with that???

I'd be lying if I said things weren't in some ways awkward (there are some complicated issues... well they aren't complicated at all but... well never mind). However I'm finding I'm a lot closer to God at the moment, a great deal more energised and considerably braver when it comes to seeking out his will.

So there we have it evolutionary suicide or a leap of faith.... but it's been my decision nonetheless.

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