Half Time Oranges

And so it finally happens...

I have reached the milestone point in my life where according to the biblical adage (three score years and ten), I've reached halfway on my journey.

That's right... I'm now 35 years of age (although I have no intention of checking out early or on time... I'm far too stubborn).

Nevertheless, now is a good time to stop and take stock of what has gone before and what potentially lies ahead.

Half time oranges... that time when footballers come off the pitch for a dressing down or a pep talk from the Manager.

I'd probably consider the score to be 3-3. I figure I started out badly and lost ground, very quickly going several goals down. However as I said before, I am stubborn, tenacious and I don't give up. I have fought hard to reconcile many of my mistakes and failings. I wouldn't presume to be ahead... but I believe I have settled most of the scores and it's a do over. In the great marathons, the popular ones... many runners start way behind the start line and have to race a fair distance before even starting the race properly. That's what I have done... I have crossed the start line.

There's two ways you can go after that, you can focus on how tiring it's been... getting to where you are; or you can steel yourself for what is ahead, by acknowledging that although the trek has been lengthy... the momentum is with you, and that by the grace of God you can overcome all the hurdles, challenges and pitfalls that remain... and cross the line as the winning man.

There's a song by Show of Hands that really resonates with me, it's about a poor Irishman who bets on a horse in the Cheltenham Gold Cup. It is called The Galway Farmer:

The reason the song resonates with me, is that it's about spotting the signs and putting faith in them... and also that in the song, the fate in the horse kind of mirrors how I feel my life has gone. I've taken a few tumbles but have kept my feet. I'd say I'm now at the point where I've started to jump fences OK and am just finding the rails.

Tennyson's poem "Ulysses" (depending on how you read it), ends on a similar inspirational note:

"that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

And yes, I do note that once again I have returned to the Homeric character of Odysseus (see NiCK'S SANCTUARY: In Search of Ithaca), but it does seem appropriate.

The whistle blows.

It's time to move on, wipe the sweat from the brow and focus not on what has gone before (only calling to mind the lessons learned), and stepping boldly forward to greet whatever giants, or trials await me in the second half... and smite them down on the path to victory:

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air."

1 Corinthians 9:24-26

Nick Payne: International Man of Mystery?

Life's become pretty interesting 0ver the last couple of weeks.

I met with a vicar in the first week of February, whilst I had some annual leave booked. The meeting did not go at all how I expected or if I'm honest, how I intended.

I was investigating the possibility of having some kind of ministry... but that road didn't get travelled down. I was warned that I'm the kind of person who if not careful, would spend my life defining myself through others. The recommendation given to me instead, was to go out and have a few adventures in the wider world... or as it was put to me, "increase my vistas" and not just confine myself to working for God within a limited radius.

The first thing I'm going to do is put myself to the test. I said of myself in recent months, that I felt less scared about the prospect of flying; now I'm going to see if I can do something about it. This first step isn't about doing something like committing my life to the mission field, it is about widening my experience of the world for the first time... and seeing if a fear is merely repressed, or if it is conquered.

I remember at school, we once started to read a book called "The Boy Who Was Afraid" (originally published in the US as "Call it Courage"). The book tells the tale of a Polynesian boy named Mafatu, who is a shame and disgrace to his sea-faring people because he is afraid of the waters that they live on day to day. His shame is made all the worse because he is no less than the chief's son. Eventually the continual teasing wears Mafatu down... and he makes a decision. Mafatu sets out in secret to prove himself alone on the seas, with nothing but a dog and an albatross to keep him company and...

... that is pretty much as far as we got in the book at school. Something tells me I should go back and read the rest of the story. Yes it's a children's story, but I've never forgotten that first section that I just quoted... and from what little I know of him, I feel I can relate to Mafatu. Now I'm standing on the shore myself with my own "canoe", shame and disgrace behind me, adventure before me. What is my choice going to be this time? How many more false dawns must I go through before embracing what seems inevitable?

Another thing that has remained with me in recent years is an exchange of dialogue from the film Jurassic Park III. It comes during a scene where Dr Alan Grant is regretting some harsh things he had said to his companion, Billy. He is talking to a boy named Erik, who he has helped rescue:

Dr Grant: I have a theory that there are two kinds of boys. There are those that want to be astronomers, and those that want to be astronauts. The astronomer, or the paleontologist, gets to study these amazing things from a place of complete safety.

Erik: But then you never get to go into space.

Dr Grant: Exactly. That's the difference between imagining and seeing: to be able to touch them. And that's... that's all that Billy wanted.

A field of beautiful dinosaurs comes into view.

Erik: Dr. Grant, know something Dr. Grant? Billy was right.

Now I'll tell you something, as a child I always dreamed of being an astronaut... but I realise that somewhere along the journey I lost my way and became more of an astronomer.

A few weeks ago, when things got hard for me... I was given a timely word from a bookmark:

"The path you walk on may be dark indeed, but trust in the Lord, rely on your God."

I realise now that it had a much deeper significance than for just the situation I was facing. For another passage that has been close to my heart over the past couple of years, has been this one:

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

Isaiah 42:16

The catch is... if you want the darkness to be turned into light... and you want the rough places to become smooth, you must first be willing to walk into those very places.

Furthermore, another verse was given to me from Isaiah:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

Equally, the catch there is that in order not to be drowned or scorched... you need to have the courage to walk towards tsunami and inferno, and trust in God against those mutual spiritual imposters.

Now I'm a man who likes to analyse and study the roads and paths before me... and therein has lay part of the problem. I always try and work out the puzzle before setting off on the voyage... acting like the astronomer and not the astronaut. I believe this is why God has been talking to me of my path becoming dark. If I think I can see ways forward I'm going to explore all of them from the comfort of my armchair. If I step out blindly into total darkness, I need to trust in God's guidance completely. I've been advised to do something that cannot be justified or rationalised... just done for the sake of doing.

I was also warned that I need to be wary of counterfeit experiences. That there are easier hurdles that look like they give the same answers... but don't.

That's why this is something I need to do alone.

Just myself and God.

I can't define my destinations and my courses of action by being dependant on other people's suggestions. I can't sit and ponder over the maps other people have made. I need to go out and make a few of my own. I need to pick a random destination and just go there and meet whoever I find out there. In fact I already have a couple of ideas where I could go.

It's time to head out to the launchpad.

A Lost Poem

I've been frantically rummaging around my room tonight.

I was looking for some documents that date back to 1989, in order to fill in some paperwork I need for a potential new venture. I found what I was looking for... but I also stumbled upon something else - an old poem that I had composed a couple of years ago.

Part of me wonders if it was just coincidence, or whether there is some deeper purpose to it's rediscovery. Either way, I feel inclined to share it once more. I'd like to know what your thoughts are wih regard to it:

The Jester

I sat and stared at the jester's dancing;

Laughing and mocking, he caught me glancing.
With unholy glee he paraded the court,

His inane folly pricking my thoughts.

His senseless stupidity stirred up my rage;
I resolved to remove him from 'his' stage.

Yet how couldI crush him at the height of his fame?
Which, with every cheer increased my shame.
I seized his throat as he performed a joke,

But his quip raised alaugh...and my heart broke.
I smote him and dragged him through every door,
But every time the crowd yelled 'MORE!'

I wondered if I would ever see that hour,

When his charms were broken and he lost his power.

He cursed me and swore with childish glee,

That forever he'd best me and I'd never be free.
But I hoped and dreamed of my eventual release;

What faith I had promised true peace.

And then all fell silent as entered my King,

Whose love is a balm to the jester's sting!
HIS throne HE established with sceptre and crown;

A judgement HE delivered on my meddlesome clown.
The jester was shackled and thrown in the jail,

That ne'er again might he cause me to fail.

Downtime

No I haven't abandoned you.

Curiously I keep thinking of things to blog about... but they always seem to get to about 75% in my brain and then just go off the boil.

I'm going to push for the extra 25% as soon as I can... but for now I thought I ought to mention that I am alive and very well.

I think my night time energy levels may be dropping off as I have lowered my caffeine intake to just cups of tea at work; when I'm at home I stick to Twinings Wellbeing stuff at the moment.

Anyway I'll sign off for now.

God bless

N

Costs, Benefits and Obedience

I've been away from my blog for a few days whilst taking time to procrastinate over thoughts about life in general.

I have noticed lately that people I care about seem to be being challenged to go forward into a situation... and then have all the things that made their choices "easier" stripped away, either prior to or just following them making a commitment to press on in their lives. I guess you could include me in that assessment too.

That's just it though... isn't it? It's easy to pursue a course of action when everything is going your way, when things are looking up. The real test of a person's character comes when everything comes crashing down around you and you find yourself knocked to the ground; when the only two choices available to you are to stay on the floor... give in and go back home, or get right back up on your feet and press on ahead anyway... win or lose, live or die.

I want to look at two instances in scripture where characters from the Bible are faced with this exact choice:

Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"

"Here I am," he replied.

Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about." Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?"

"Yes, my son?" Abraham replied.

"The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"

"Here I am," he replied.

"Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."

The angel of the LORD called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, "I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me."

Genesis 22:1-18

I should point out before continuing, that God does not approve of infant sacrifice (he spent a lot of time sending out Israel to clobber people who did), so before you jump to a conclusion and think God's being malicious, think again... that is not what the passage is about. The second passage I want to look at comes from the New Testament:

After sighting Cyprus and passing to the south of it, we sailed on to Syria. We landed at Tyre, where our ship was to unload its cargo. We sought out the disciples there and stayed with them seven days. Through the Spirit they urged Paul not to go on to Jerusalem. When it was time to leave, we left and continued on our way. All of them, including wives and children, accompanied us out of the city, and there on the beach we knelt to pray. After saying good-by to each other, we went aboard the ship, and they returned home.

We continued our voyage from Tyre and landed at Ptolemais, where we greeted the believers and stayed with them for a day. Leaving the next day, we reached Caesarea and stayed at the house of Philip the evangelist, one of the Seven. He had four unmarried daughters who prophesied.

After we had been there a number of days, a prophet named Agabus came down from Judea. Coming over to us, he took Paul's belt, tied his own hands and feet with it and said, "The Holy Spirit says, 'In this way the Jewish leaders in Jerusalem will bind the owner of this belt and will hand him over to the Gentiles.' "

When we heard this, we and the people there pleaded with Paul not to go up to Jerusalem. Then Paul answered, "Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." When he would not be dissuaded, we gave up and said, "The Lord's will be done."

Acts 21:3-14

Two very different stories, but both contain a a binding theme.

One has a happy ending (Isaac lives and is given back to Abraham), the other not so happy (Paul goes on to Jerusalem and receives exactly the treatment that was prophesied).

What links these stories is that in both instances, Abraham and Paul did not withhold what was being asked of them. Abraham is asked to surrender his son, the son who he received by grace from God (when by rights and by human convention it should not have been possible). This son - Isaac who has brought so much joy to Abraham (his very name means "laughter"), has been given by God, is now apparently wanted back by God. Imagine yourself there... Abraham must have been tearing himself apart, yet still he obeyed.

In the other passage, Paul is faced with the flip side of the coin. God is actually warning him in advance what will happen if he chooses to obey him. Paul is wise. While others saw this as God trying to protect him from harm, Paul instead, acknowledges that this is his destiny; the path that God has chosen for him. He is being tested, in the face of what is to come... and if he had not taken that path, a substantial chunk of his letters would be missing (he wrote a lot of them whilst incarcerated by the Romans).

These stories are both about obedience. The outcome does not matter, the challenge is the same:

"Will you follow me?"

God may call us along a certain path and none of us knows what we will meet along the way - triumph... disaster... unspeakable tragedy... indescribable happiness, they may all await us along the road. God has often spoken to me through the life of Gideon. At the moment I am reminded of how Gideon (after dithering for so long whether to do what God asked of him), started out with a fairly impressive army of 32,000 soldiers... but had to look on as God sent all but 300 home. It looked to be suicide to carry on.

Nonetheless, Gideon went anyway.

When we face difficulty, hardship or adversity, it confronts us with regard to where our conviction lies. Are we walking with God purely because of what we may get out of him (be they temporal blessings or eternal ones)? Or are we serving him because of who he is and what he means to us?

Last week, I discovered an old bookmark - I considered it a timely word:

"The path you walk on may be dark indeed, but trust in the Lord, rely on your God."

It's based on a verse from Isaiah, but it's been a good reminder to me that however uncertain our world may seem, we can always be certain of our God's love for us. You may be robed in riches or stripped of all you have... but God will always be with you.

My friends who are struggling know this, and I am proud to know them and pray for them as they carry their burdens - knowing that they share the same love and resolve for me.

Unlearning

"You must unlearn what you have learned."

Yoda - Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

On several blogs in the past,I have explored the issue of conformity. I didn't just talk about the need of Christians to avoid conforming to the pattern and nature of this world, I looked at it in terms of personal development - for myself and for anyone else reading these pages who might benefit from my musings.

There were times when I'd told you of my exasperation at being the odd one out... about how I felt different to the people around me (even Christians), how my natural instincts were frowned on and I felt a great strain to comply with certain social expectations.

At the moment things feel very different from the stark days of last March. During the past year and a half I have found myself able (by God's grace) to close the book on a few situations that were burdening me and causing me distress. It's not to say the situations have necessarily been resolved... but God has taught me to unlearn how I react to them.

Much more important than this though, I have discovered over time that as different as I am from most around me, I have discovered individuals dotted around here and there who I share similarities with... I am nowhere near as alone as I might have once thought. I am not the lone man on the train who sees everyone partying on another train on the other side of the tracks. I have wandered down a couple of carriages and discovered plenty of parties of my own. I think my original issues may have come from living in a fairly insular community. It's been the act of branching out and meeting people from further afield over a course of a couple of years, that has gradually made me realise this. This in turn gave me the confidence to accept that I don't need to become a clone of the Christians around me if I want to fit in. I have found I can totally be myself and be accepted for all my quirks.

Naturally over time, this has led me to feel a little like a fish out of water in my own surroundings. I certainly feel a lot less bound to my town than I used to be... and I have to strongly consider whether in fact God is preparing me for something as yet unrevealed. Many years ago, whilst in prayer I had a vision of an eagle stripping it's nest... preparing it's young for flight. Could it be that God is preparing me for an entirely new phase in my walk with him?

A Prayer for the Dying

By the time you read this post, a close friend of my family and a good man of God, will have had his life support ventilator switched off. Richard went into hospital earlier this week to have a benign tumour removed... sadly all did not go well.

Last night, there was a gathering of many townsfolk in the church. They gathered for one reason and one alone... to lift Richard - our friend and theirs, up in prayer.

We first knew him through his role of choirmaster and church organist... and he quickly endeared himself to our family and the people of this town with his wonderful eccentricity and his zest for life. They say it takes a generation - 20 years, for the traditional folk of Alcester to truly accept an "outsider". If there is truth in that statement, then Richard was surely the ultimate exception. I would argue that he was perhaps Alcester's favourite adopted son. People knew him for different reasons - be it through his profession as a music teacher, or his involvement in the church... but everyone loved him for the same reasons.

In more recent times, Richard married and joined the clergy. He didn't really take many of the services at my church, in fact I believe I only managed to attend one service he took at Great Alne... but what a service it was. You could say many things about his preaching and leading style... but the one thing you would never be able to say... was that it was boring. Everything was magnificently manic and full of life.

I'll always remember the Alpha Course session he led, on the nature of good and evil. He dressed up in old school props to demonstrate the full armour of God. He used a bent fencing sword, a dustbin lid and an old air raid helmet amongst other things. Everybody in the room was in stitches. Yet, just 5 minutes later he recited a heart rending true account about the aftermath of a bombing raid. He described the carnage, the pain and the grief... and the whole room was in agreement with him about how terrible it was. And then he asked the people in the room - most of whom were old enough to remember... just where they though these events had taken place: London? Birmingham? Liverpool? Coventry? No... it was Dresden. I loved that moment because he affirmed everything I believe about good and evil - that we as humans often view evil subjectively... we fall into the trap of assuming our country is unquestionably correct on most matters, because it is "cultured" and democratic, but really you could call it a form of nationalistic arrogance. It was good of Richard to pooint it out... as only he could. To be honest, I don't think anyone else could quite have got away with it.

That was Richard to a tee. He never took himself too seriously but always made sure the seriousness behind the message came across. He always left the stage leaving people with something to chew over... but never gave it to them in a painful manner.

And so this blog entry is my tribute to him... my prayers go out to his family and friends... and I hope, if you feel willing or bold enough... that yours will too.

Father I give thanks for your servant Richard. I thank you that he has touched many lives in the brief time he was with us. I pray that you welcome him into your loving arms... a good and faithful servant. May you keep his family safe in the palm of your hands, by the power of your Holy Spirit. May they be comforted in their hour of need. May the seeds that were sown through Richard, not fall on barren soil. May the hearts that heard him speak your Word... respond to it.

May he be remembered on Earth... and welcomed in Heaven.

In the name of Jesus

Amen.

As a tribute to Richard, who was both a man of music and man of faith; I have provided a link to a piece of music on YouTube which made me think about him this week. It is an orchestral rendition of music from The Mission. I feel it is appropriate as it is both bittersweet and victorious. One of the main characters - Gabriel, is a Jesuit priest who clearly loves music, as he plays an Oboe. His character made me think of Richard... and the mix of music and belief, felt very appropriate in remembering Richard. If you have a few minutes, follow this link.

Just Do It!

Just before New Year, I posted a blog entitled "Grappling with God".

I think I may have left it hanging there and never told you what occurred in the week or so after that... it was a pretty intense period.

Without going into specifics, I ended up in a situation which made me increasingly restless. I felt like I was in a set up, whether it was of divine, human or evil origins I didn't care... I was tearing myself apart out of fear... because I had no say into where I was going.

I'll admit now that I became so agitated, I sat up for most of one night just praying about it. When confronted with the situation I deliberately flung up all my old defences. I tried to portray myself in as bad a way as possible. I deliberately talked about spiritual stuff and went off the deep end theologically. I tried to be as cryptic, aloof and eccentric as possible. These are my old weapons... the wrong weapons. I must confess that I am capable of quite devious manipulation. I can control pretty much most people's perception of me. I make them all think I'm a bit crazy and it produces the response my subconscious desires... it keeps people liking me, but puts them a little on edge so they don't want to get too close. It's not a good thing... for one thing, I know it is wrong to control people... and for another it is the familiar minefield of self destructiveness that I keep trying to amble back on to.

The day passed without event, but I was so on edge that I panicked about it for a few more days. I looked weary and burdened on my first day back at work... and my best mate said I had a wild edge to my nature.

The truth that I have come to realise, the blatant truth that the Genesis passage I was given, has enabled me to see, is that I have been on the banks of the Jabbok river for a long time. Like Jacob I know that you can't turn back and return to burned bridges... and like Jacob, I have been absolutely petrified of going forward into a land of promise... because all I can see is my big hairy brother coming to kill me. Or in relevant terms, all I could see was a future I cannot control, where I may be at the mercy of others... and it scared the hell out of me.

What God taught Jacob, was that you cannot run away from your fears of the future... you have to face everything before you. The more important lesson he taught Jacob, was that the things that he (Jacob) could not control, didn't matter. God is far more able and better equipped to handle our issues, our inner demons and anything that confronts us. Jacob walked into Jabbok alone, with God kept at a nice, safe comfortable distance. However, God is sovereign and isn't subject to the little boxes we like to put people in. When God finished with Jacob, they walked out together - Jacob sustained by the swift, sure hand of God... had discovered that which hos father and grandfather had known before him... that God was his shield and very great reward.

The man walked in as Jacob and walked out as Israel.

I have made a resolution to stop playing chess and enjoy life for what it is. Life IS to short for chess... if you spend your moments guessing and second guessing every possible pathway in your future, like some warped Grandmaster... then you are going to miss practically every opportunity that comes your way.

My name is derived for the Greek deity of victory... the same one as a certain sportswear company. I should take note of their slogan and "just do it".

From now on, I intend to.

I'm going to be less deliberate, I'm not going to fight the waves... I'm going to surf them.

I'll leave you with Coldplay's "The Scientist". It is a song I sometimes use in prayer when I have these moments, when I know I need to repent of my obsessive nature. We have to realise that it's more important to embrace God and declare our need of and love for, him; rather than poking and prodding at all the mysteries and dilemmas before us.

Kicking up a Sentimental Storm

I just wanted to apologise if you have come to my blog in a strange manner.

Article I am tagging are appearing all over the shop in places like Technorati yet they don't appear to be fresh.

What is going on?

Well relax, it's not some technological faux pas... it's me causing trouble as is customary.

Payne by name, pain by nature!

I am gradually going through my old blog at MSN Spaces and migrating my old blogs. You may consider this a waste of time, but I didn't want this place to be a fresh start, I wanted it to be a repository for all my thoughts from when I first started blogging. My MSN Space is pretty useless, by the time the front page loads... any interested party has given up and gone home a long time ago.

I hope the blogger experience will prove faster, more efficient, more fruitful and more importantly... I hope it gives off more of a personal feel. I'm not good at Template design but I steered clear of existing templates because I don't want this place to be something that looks like it's come off a conveyer belt.

So I'm sorry for all the old blogs that are coming in, but while you are here you may as well take a look at them or just browse through my various meanderings.. They chronicle a two year journey of faith and relationships, I've done my best to eliminate dross and have only brought across choice cuts. I felt it was important to give people an opportunity to see what I was like back in time, in order that they may understand who and where I am today.

Have fun poking about the place and normal service will resume shortly.

God bless

N

Grappling with God

I genuinely feel positive about the coming year, a lot of the obstacles in my life will fall away next year. It's been kind of like a race where I've started several hundred yards behind everyone else... and 2007 will see me cross the start line!

However, there is one thing that genuinely scares me. I have this feeling that at some point early in 2007, God is going to "call me out".

Over the past few days I have been very worried about a couple of things, which were leading me to feeling trapped and made me fear I was being sent down a road I did not wish to travel. I worried that I might have no choice or as a dear friend of mine once put it, that my only choice might be "eat the poo or don't eat the poo." Basically take what you don't want or go hungry. In the end it was just paranoia and nothing came of it... but I had been so depressed by the concept that I had sat up in prayer for an hour in the middle of the night, voicing my anger and my distress.

I've lately been thinking about the passage in Genesis where Jacob physically wrestles God... actually thinking doesn't nearly describe it, I've been obsessing over it. I've read it a couple of times and I've printed off three different sermons from the Internet concerning it, in the hope of discovering what the personal relevance is for me at this time.

Jacob seemed to be trapped between a rock and a hard place. He was uncomfortable with going forward and he couldn't turn back. He was in such a state, he divided his family, servants and belongings into two groups and sat alone on the banks of the river Jabbok, meditating and praying. God knew what was required and instead of patting him on the back and saying "don't worry Jacob it'll be OK", he materialises in physical form, not far from where Jacob was praying. With no distractions, it's just Jacob and God... so what does Jacob do? He decides to lay the smack down on God.

Not a good plan!

One thing I have in common with Jacob is my tenacity and stubborn nature... I don't give in easily. Jacob was never going to win, but he sure wasn't going to quit. God throws Jacob's leg out of whack to shorten the conflict... and that was the moment of epiphany. Jacob was fighting God for a blessing... but all of a sudden, he was no longer trying to beat it out of God... he was holding onto God in desperation. If he let go, God could have left and not blessed him.

God did bless Jacob in the end, actually he had always blessed him, but from now on Jacob realised that he was dependent on God's blessing and embraced him.

People fear God's sovereignty because they foolishly try to understand it in human terms. If a mortal man were to get absolute power, it would corrupt him absolutely. God is not bound to the same curse as us. You could argue that God was being selfish and unfair by doing what he did to Jacob... but ultimately that encounter benefited Jacob and the whole of humanity. What is good for God in the long run is good for us. Or as the writer of Hebrews put it so eloquently:

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I have the feeling I'm going to have my nuts busted by God at some point early in the new year... but on the whole I think that'll probably be a good thing. Something I think I really need to learn, is that God's plan for me isn't just a yoke. He isn't just going to lead me into relationships that i have to tolerate... he's going to lead me into green pasture, people and things I can delight in... because ultimately I'm going to need those blessings to help sustain me later on.

To close with, I've embedded the video tribute to Johnny Cash's "God's Gonna Cut You Down", something for us all to think about there I think...

A Hard Lesson Relearned

Sometimes you know things on a subconscious level, but you need to be reminded of them in very real ways.

On Sunday I visited a dear friend at a church service she was attending; it was an opportunity to talk about various things and pour out what has been in or on my heart. She was asking me if I'd heard some good news she had come across, which I had... but in truth, that "good" news had been like bitter waters to me.

A friend has been blessed greatly this year... in a way that I have waited patiently for myself for quite some time. It was a bitter pill to swallow because his morality in such matters has from my perspective been rather dubious. Personally I find "all's fair in love and war" to be a principle that is greatly at odds with "love your neighbour as yourself", but without going into the details, lets just say he never saw a problem in living by both attitudes... at least not around me.

Some times we have a right to be angry... but just because anger is righteous under certain circumstances, it doesn't mean we should always embrace it. We would be justifiably angry if we were smacked in the face and yet Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. If Jesus had reacted to righteous anger all the time he felt it, he would never have died for us. Is there anything under the sun that is more worthy of righteous anger than the torture and murder of the innocent? If Jesus could turn aside his anger at being unfairly punished at human hands... should we not do the same for the comparatively much smaller things that irk us?

God convicted me on the way back home on Sunday, whilst riding the bike in the pouring rain. While I mulled over the anger I felt, he put a scripture in my heart it was from the parable of the Prodigal Son:

"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'" Luke 15:28-30

I was acting just like that older brother. "Ah! but", I protested "The prodigal son was repentant when he was blessed, I don't feel that has happened". Then God laid on my heart one of my heroes from the Old Testament - Josiah. Josiah's father and grandfather were deeply dodgy men... godless men in fact. Yet God in his wisdom blessed these men with a line of succession. Why not cut off evil men where they stand? Well, if God had done that... Josiah would never have been born and the reforms that held back judgement from Judah for a generation, would never have taken place.

I have repented of my anger and there has been a marked difference in my attitude to the person who wounded me. I have been much more civil... it may not be deserved, but God requires it of me nonetheless.

When Jesus commanded us to love our enemies he said that God makes the sun and rain fall on good and evil men alike. As you live your daily life, you will discover that both good and ball, wonderful and terrible things happen to both the righteous and unjust. Instead of trying to consider whether we or other people are getting our just desserts... we should remember that the big story is not about us. As Shakespeare said:

"All the world's a stage,And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts"

Here is the conclusion of the matter. God is sovereign and his love is unconditional. He has mercy on whom he has mercy and he has compassion on whom he has compassion. By his sovereign choice he blesses who he will, whether they be unrepentant or righteous. In his wisdom he knows the good that will come eventually. Nothing is wasted.

For those of us who still wait for the sweet gentle rain of blessing to kiss our lands; we should remember what the Father said in the story to the older son who felt grieved by waiting, while his disobedient brother was blessed:

"My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours."

Emotional Conflict

One of my old problems has flared up again... I don't know why; maybe it is a seasonal thing, maybe it's the weather... maybe I'm just plain tired. Every so often I hit a wall... a time when I feel the pinch of walking the road I'm on and glance up to the things I hope and long for... and solemnly sigh at them still being unfulfilled.

It's been a while since I've had a proper girlfriend... heck did I EVER have a proper girlfriend for that matter? I effectively had a seven year solitary confinement sentence once, but that was all give, give and no take... a very sorry and parasitical state of affairs. I have waited patiently and resisted the temptation to move rashly... and sometimes that temptation has been sore. I know I'm not designed or cut out for solitary existence and I know the time will come when these days will end... but sometimes it really does hurt.

To quote a biblical sentiment that U2 echoed in on of their hits... how long must I sing this song?

I feel like I did when I climbed Great Gable the other week... having got over one peak, it was so disparaging to look across at a higher one and be told we hand to go down into a valley and climb up again even higher than before.

When you kill off the locusts that eat your crops, the land can still look barren for a long time to come. The important thing to remember is that the seeds of the new season grow silently beneath the seemingly desolate surface, and long before you see the green shoots of restoration and revival... strong sustaining roots are being put down deep into the fertile soil, where you cannot see it.

I think the most recent pangs I have experienced have come from a sense of "if I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor" to quote the band James. There are a couple of girls I'm keen on... one, far away and one close by. The former probably doesn't give me a second thought and probably just sees me as a helpful but eccentric soul on the all too rare occasions we have met. The other I barely know and don't really get much chance to rub shoulders with. I'm trying to get back into the habit of praying for them... no, not praying for them to be mine... I mean just praying for them... for God's protection, influence and blessing to be upon them. The way I see it you may as well turn these feelings into something constructive.

I would appreciate people's prayers on this one. I'm feeling especially vulnerable at the moment and I have struggled to overcome some inner adversity. Lately I have the feeling that the journey in this area is too much for me.

Hunter, Prey

Have you ever had that feeling where there doesn't seem any doubt that something is out to get you?

I was discussing with a friend of mine, my spiritual journey up until now. We reminisced how my only previous serious relationship had been a millstone for me. How it seemed like a perfectly engineered snare, designed to bring me down and destroy me. You could just say it was happenchance or coincidence... but I'm not a man who believes in coincidences. Like Einstein I do not believe God... nor the forces that dare attempt contend with him, play dice. Everything happens for a reason, just like in chaos theory.... even the seemingly pointless random and/or meaningless events, tragedies and surprises that come upon us are an act of will; all find meaning and fulfillment in the long term, the "bigger" picture.

That relationship WAS a purposely planned trap, I am certain. However despite the trap being sprung; in my case it didn't succeed in destroying me, although it came pretty close to leaving me utterly spent. The door was closed... but the thing about burglars is they always look for another way in:

"I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber."

It was shortly after I became free, that I became aware that a friend of mine was playing off my defences... to satisfy his ego. Let me explain something: when I am highly stressed, I tend to start playing the jester... doing strange surreal things to mask my discomfort. Unfortunately this makes people think I'm a complete lunatic... and they can't see past my brilliant disguise (probably because they are used to it). However, this one friend was particularly good at cultivating that reaction out of me. The same person has messed me about several times and in several different ways when I have tried to make a positive impression around girls... always to benefit his self image at my expense.

I could say that he knows how to push my buttons, knows how to use all my weaknesses against me.... but I seriously doubt he has the intellect to consciously do this. I have therefore concluded that he is being used as a pawn in a deadly game of cat and mouse. I believe the game is still afoot. I'm still being hunted. I feel like I have walked around in a circle and stumbled across the familiar tracks of my adversary. It is as if I have my own personal Loki (Norse god of mischief).

I could get all depressed here and feel miserable because of the oppressive force I feel is working against me... but it's simply not the case. While I have been thinking about these things, I am also reminded that I've had my fair share of "lucky" scrapes. There have been at least 4 times where I could have died as a result of possible or actual car incidents that I walked or drove away unschathed... and despite being in that dodgy relationship I spoke of, I got out of it.

I have mentioned before that I feel I am being "reserved" for a day of God's choosing. He has something for me to do... and the Enemy would do anything to stop me reaching whatever it is I am called to. It's the same for anyone who would follow God.

So I take joy in the fact that whatever is out there working against me... it is held in check by he who protects me The Good Shepherd who calls me to greener pastures - Jesus Christ.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

More than this I am confident that when the time is right, he will not just hold my ground... but claim the Land he has promised me:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

In all our troubles, we often fall into the danger of forgetting God is Sovereign. We must never forget that everything that happens to us as Christians, happens for the glory of God. We also have the assurance from scripture that he will never let us suffer beyond our means to bear whatever befalls us.

You may disagree with this and that's fine. My view of destiny and free will is more complex and "at odds" with both Augustinian and Pelagian theology. Although... I'm just a layman.

We are often transfixed by the problem of Evil. How can Good overcome Evil... when the fruits of Evil are so obviously evident and numerous in this world? I would like to challenge you to look at it another way. It is Evil that is perplexed and confounded by Good. For despite all it's short term victories I am confident that in the long term and most especially the eternal.... Good always prevails. The paragon of this is Jesus Christ himself: when darkness had it's hour and Evil had spent it's complete fury on him resulting in his death... it was not enough. More than this. Evil had not understood that God REQUIRED Evil to utterly spend itself on His Son.... in order that we would not have to pay the price ourselves. In it's short term success, Evil completely missed the point. This is what scripture says:

"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God."

So it is clear:

Evil does not understand Good. Darkness does not understand Light. Light however reveals darkness for what it is and overcomes it. Receive the Light of Christ and in the long term he will enable you to throw off your chains. Pretty soon whatever hunts you.... will become the hunted.

Always remember:

"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world"

Lost - John Locke

I was very moved by last night's episode of Lost. I tend to only really appreciate a television series/film/book, if I can relate to one of the characters. Lost is rich in character and I can sympathise/empathise with a number of character's on the show - one of them being the enigmatic John Locke.

No, I haven't spent 4 years in a wheelchair and miraculously walked again, I haven't been adopted, I haven't donated my kidney to my father... and I'm not a survival expert either. Oh and most importantly, I'm not bald!

The things I share with Locke, are my determination to do the things that matter to me no matter who or what tells me I can't achieve or do them; a certain degree of insight; and as was seen in last night's episode - the fact that I devote a lot of energy to doing things for people who I want to mean something to me, even if it costs me dear.

The reason Locke wanted to donate his kidney to his father was simply because he wanted to experience his father's love, which he had been denied through being fostered. His father however was only using him in order to gain possession of Locke's kidney. Locke was so hurt by this that as soon as he found out (shortly after gaining consciousness, he checked himself out of hospital and tried to gain entry at his father's house (you can tell this was immediate because his shirt is bloodstained around the abdomen from his operation).

Similarly, the reason Locke broke down in tears... hammering on the hatch he is obsessed with, is because he had devoted so much time and energy to doing what he believed the island was asking of him... with little or no pay off. In fact at one point, the island seemed to be taking back what it had already given him -the ability to walk.

I really understand what that is about. Time after time I have pumped emotions and resources into helping people as friends... or as potential romantic interests and yet I'm the one left behind. Time after time, I get used... and I'm left yelling "What more must I do? I've done all that was asked of me?!!?!??!" I'm not at that point at the moment, but I could easily be at any given time. The last time I REALLY felt like that, was the incident in August regarding a certain girl, my service to God... and a certain scripture. Last night reminded me of that time, funnily enough there have been a lot of things that have cast my mind back to August.

If you want to know more about what I think of Lost, then check out my earlier blog entry:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/nuclearbunker/Blog/cns!1pNhAIRvoni4UOJeNRJpxHVA!1304.entry

If you really want to know what I was on about regarding the August incident, you will find it here:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/nuclearbunker/Blog/cns!1pNhAIRvoni4UOJeNRJpxHVA!1253.entry

Hoping this blog finds the people who are reading it... in good spirits.

God bless,

Nick

My Deepest Fear

Recently, I have been pondering my nature and I believe I am beginning to understand what my greatest fear actually is.

The most obvious example is when I am interested in a girl and it doesn't seem to be working out. I start to worry that she may ask people I know, what they think of me... and that they will sell me short, because many of them don't have a proper understanding of who or where I am as a person.

I am also reluctant to read books, watch films or listen to music based solely on the recommendation of anyone I know. If I discover something it has to be something I stumbled on out of my own desire or inclination. I think you can see how hard it would be to get me agreeing to going on a blind date.

The truth is I fear being controlled/manipulated by other people. I don't mind so much with God, because he created me, gave me life, redeemed me... and he owns me. He is sovereign over me. Those around me however are not.

Everywhere around us, people play at being God. When talking to our friends we often "pigeon hole" them into being certain archetypes. We rarely accept people as they are, we are all guilty of such crimes. When I was at school I played on this tendency. I didn't want people to get too close to me that they hurt me, so I chose to play the archetype of class weirdo and oddball. I was like a court jester. Everyone liked me, but nobody loved me... I had little value to them.

I excelled in my performance... to such a degree that it began to spill over into my social life too. I shut them all out successfully. Not something I am terribly proud of. It is only people on the outside who generally see past my mask... despite the fact I don't wear it any more. I fear that many people will be basing their opinion of me, on an impression that was put on them many years ago. Only God can change that.

There are a few friends from that era who actively play on that side of my character... they try to bring it out in the company of others. I had a recent comment on my answerphone "jokingly" criticising my standard sounding message (in the past I have usually said something a little offbeat). Same person usually ties to make me look like a loon around others. Why he does this is beyond me... maybe it's to make himself look good, maybe it is because he likes to feel he has an element of control over other people. either way it is wrong.

At camp this year I was reminded that:

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the LORD." Proverbs 21:30

So clearly, the answer to this fear is to trust in God for it's resolution. Recently a friend of mine gave me a scripture when we were speaking about relationships:

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30:18

That really helped me out, it reminded me not to be anxious about what other people can say or do... just to wait my time and God's promises will be fulfilled. Besides, at the end of the day... would I really want to go out with someone who's perception of me was completely open to the suggestions of others? The great thing is, I don't think I have to try and do anything. God seems to be telling me he's got it sussed but he doesn't want to wreck it by spilling the beans.

The feeling I have is that this is like a game of Mousetrap... all the pieces are in place, they are just waiting for the moment the steel ball is dropped. When that happens, the elaborate mechanisms God has been busy setting up behind the scenes... will start dropping into place... and finally despite the efforts of all those nay sayers who are scurrying away below... the net will come down and God will be proved true to his word.

There is an irony between a friend of mine and myself. He holds himself back, because he fears (understandably if you knew the circumstance), that God will fulfill his word in his life sooner than he would be comfortable with; whereas I have been holding an area of my life back from God, for the opposite reason... I fear he will fulfill his word too late for me to be able to fully appreciate. Both these fears are of course absurd acts of rebellion. God's will is perfect, and he knows how much we can take. I hope I have learned my lesson and can wait upon the Lord without fearing the Machiavellian input of other people.

Time will tell.

Oh yes and I forgot to say... it's really important for me to maintain a balance between not worrying about peoples perceptions, and not leaving myself open to manipulation. Basically I have to chill out and not take myself or my troubles too seriously, but treat them seriously enough that I'm aware of any REAL attempts to make me act like a gimboid!

Farewell to Tonic

Tonic, our cat... brother of Gin... died yesterday. He had been having a little trouble breathing for some time, but it had got to the point where he could not curl up anymore, and he was sleeping outside at night, because the air was fresher.

Dad took him in for an X Ray in the morning, and we waited... hoping that it would just be a build up of fluids. It was not to be. Unfortunately he had a growth, the size of a golf ball on one of his lungs. As Tonic was still heavily sedated, the vet called Dad at work and asked for permission to put him to sleep there and then (there was nothing that could be done and it would have been cruel to let him come round... just so that he could be finished off later). Dad agreed, and Tonic: mighty hunter of birds, rodents and bats... now rests with his fathers.

I shall miss him. I said goodbye to him in the morning (just in case) and told him, not to worry because God would look after him if anything happened. Trust me, he knew his time was up, both of the cats knew. Ginny had been grooming him all week, and that wasn't normal... he usually wouldn't stand for much of that. Also, Tonic hated the vets, the mere sight of a basket would send him into a frenzy; yet, when dad brought the basket round yesterday Tonic serenely allowed him to lift him inside... with no fuss whatsoever. I think he knew his journey in life was nearing it's end... and he was ready to go... there was no fear, just a calm acceptance... time to go home. Animals seem to be more in tune with that sort of thing than we are.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a couple of my best memories of him.

He always used to sit on the doorstep and wait for me and dad to come home. Once , when he was relatively young... I had just come home from a weekend break... and I felt a searing pain in my leg, back and shoulder.... Tonic had run up the entire length of me and sat on my shoulder. He was also an outrageous fiend! He used to go round all the neighbour's houses, eat any of their pet's food and sleep in their beds. He totally lived the life of Riley! He was a complete bounder!

Ginny has always been the more nervy cat, bolting around loud noises or surprises... but it was always Tonic who suffered for things, despite being laid back. In his time, he was knocked down by a Land Rover... fracturing his leg and jaw, jumped off a roof to escape a massive, violent cat that hadn't been neutered... spraining his leg badly in the process; but by far, his most bizarre injury was in the late summer of one year. Somehow, he had managed to sniff up a seed... and it had taken root in the lining deep inside his left nostril. We only noticed it when it had grown long enough out of his nose for us to see, by which time he was incredibly irritable... poor blighter. The vet nearly had to resort to cutting his nose open to get at it, but fortunately after several attempts with the forceps... she managed to get the thing out of him. It was an inch and a half in length altogether!

He was always bringing something in that he had caught. He used to sit on the garage roof and swat down bats. One night, he even sat beneath a tree eyeing up an owl for supper (didn't give a second thought to the idea the owl might have been doing the very same thing to him!) Once he brought in a pigeon... nothing spectacular in that you might think, but when we took it off him and binned it, back he came two minutes later with another. This circle of events repeated several times until someone tracked him to a neighbour's house. The neighbour had been killing pigeons and had a utility truck full of their corpses! That, to a cat has to be the ultimate meal ticket!

So those are a few glimpses into the life and times of Tonic. It's better to remember him as he was, than to dwell on the last few days of his suffering.

A Close Shave

I’ve had a very narrow escape. On Friday night, I was considering going to a night out at one of the local pubs with a few friends from my old Fellowship… that will not be happening now. Last night, I was texting a few people with regard to the spectacular and extraordinary Liverpool victory in the Champion’s League final (whilst simultaneously taking yet another opportunity to poke fun at Man Utd.)

The person organising the Friday event telephoned me over a misunderstanding about the game. While doing so, he asked me if I was coming on Friday and told me who else was. There’s only about four others going, and one of them is the girl who caused me trouble over the New Year.

She was the one who dithered and swung to and fro for months as to whether or not she wanted to be a friend or have a relationship, backing off when I advanced and advancing whenever I backed off.

Really, whether she was aware of this consciously or not. All she was treating me as was an “inbetweener”. She was using me as a prop until the next guy came along. A lot of girls want to have their cake and eat it. She wanted someone who was a physical type, who was a bit of a bad lad, but also strong in faith… in that order! Yet every time she has gone down that road before, she has been used or tossed away like an oily rag. I was trying to teach her another way of living, and at first it seemed to be working. However, the pull of her past actions was too great and she played to her previous form.

It came to a head, when I basically laid my cards on the table in a letter. She knew how I felt, if she wanted to be a friend… I’d be a friend, but if she was to go out with me properly, the time for messing about was over… the time for a decision was now.

Whichever road she’d have taken I would have freely accepted. Yet the next time we saw each other, she made the fatal mistake of blanking me completely. No real friend does that. So when a note came through the post saying she wanted to be just friends, I cut loose. I was being used, and that was completely unacceptable. I am glad I have moved on (several times actually).

I suppose one of the reasons I felt so strongly about this, is that I had become a mentor to her. So I actually felt betrayed by someone I regarded as my student (Obi-Wan style). It's not the first time this has happened, I just hope it doesn't happen too many more times, and that the people who I help coach don't keep kicking me in the teeth!

If more people were going tomorrow, I’d be OK. I’d have plenty of scope to keep my distance. However, with only a handful things would be too close and I’d probably have it out with her, which she wouldn’t be able to take.

I’ll maintain my policy of keeping a distance while the option remains. A gentleman will walk but never run.

Not Good... Defintely Not Good.

Somebody at work is trying to set me up on a blind date, not for me thanks, I know what I'm like and it wouldn't be beneficial! I know in many ways, I just need to chill out, but I just hate situations that are forced.

First of all I like to sound out where a person is coming from, before even approaching them. As far as I'm concerned, a blind date is an artificially generated scenario... and I'd rather get to know a person within a proper social environment first, where there is no danger of expectation, and there isn't a focus on one person (if the conversation isn't going too well, you can always move on and talk to somebody else, no questions asked).

Secondly, I'm not a secular minded person at all, and however "nice" somebody is, I'm always going to be looking at every relationship (platonic and romantic) from a spiritual perspective.
Thirdly, for some bizarre reason, there was a reasonably attractive young lady at church this week, and you never know she might become a regular... it's also possible she's just there to get her bans read and her bloke doesn't want to come along... need to check out that fourth finger next time! This warrants further investigation!

I wouldn't even go on a blind date if someone at church tried to set me up, I'm just not comfortable with the whole idea. I am a self confessed control freak, but this whole thing is giving me bad vibes.

My best mate keeps telling me, that one of my greater faults is that I won't be told. You can't tell me something is good for me, or that I'll enjoy it, because I don't want to be a sheep... I don't like other people pulling my strings. If I want to read something, watch something, chat someone up, it'll be because I'm comfortable with the idea... not because I'm acting on another human being's agenda!

Would people (especially people who don't know me really well) please let me make my own decisions? To quote Tolkien: "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger!"

It's my life (and more importantly it's God's), I would at least like a say in it!

And in the final analysis, we've seen on two separate occasions what happens to me when I go into any kind of relationship without having done my homework properly... it's disastrous.

I'm paranoid that this is going to get set up against my wishes, which will leave me with two options. 1) Don't go... no one has a right to expect me to go to something they know I had no desire to see happen., or 2) Go, and just use it as a chance to witness. That will either scare them off, or get them interested in God. I've got absolutely no intention to pursue anything romantic from such a set-up.

Where Shall I Go? What Shall I do?

I went out last night and was more than a little concerned that somebody was setting a trap for me. I had a fallout with someone a while ago, if you read back in the archive you'll probably pick up on it. I had a nasty feeling somebody was going to try and patch things up between me and the person concerned, without bothering to test the water over how I feel about such a move.

This would have been dangerous, I have forgiven the person, but I feel distance would be appropriate from now on... my friendship was used, and nothing constructive can come from trying to reignite a one sided relationship.

If in the future things progress in this way, it could well end up with a big schism between more people, so I'm hoping I am just being defensively paranoid. I am always trying to work out the various strategies and tactics people will adopt when handling situations that involve me.

Thankfully last night was me just being paranoid, the person I feared might show up didn't and it was a lot of fun in the end... must stay off concentrated orange juice... it does something to my head! Either that, or the Chinese restaurant were cooking the wrong kind of mushrooms if you catch my drift.

I'm writing this now, because I'm seriously trying to burn up time before going to church. I don't wish to go early today, the person I had a clash with is going, and I know they will take the opportunity to have another dig over what I did with the cross. I'm trying to avoid all possibility of talking to that person, because it'll mean one of three things. 1) I'll back down. 2) I'll confront, 3) I'll run away. None of these options seem constructive in the short term. There will come a time for conflict, but now doesn't seem right to me. Let God be the judge of his church... and may his judgement come swiftly. Sooner the house is in order, the sooner the building can start.

So... where shall I go, what shall I do? In conversation last night it came up that maybe I should move churches, because I don't have a lot of support where I am and that I seem to be giving more than I receive. To be honest, I've never really needed to lean on anyone in a pastoral sense at church, so I don't feel I need to receive from people to the degree other people assume. The only support I do need is when I go out and do something radical, I need backup at those times... and at the moment I'm not getting it.

I'm not a church hopper. I don't believe in flitting from one church to another like an experience junkie. If you have a strong spiritual constitution, you should try and help build the church you are in first... always consider carefully before you leave.

The time may come for me to go, but I feel God has something planned... besides it was something like 3 years ago to this very day (Palm Sunday) that I received a vision. I went up to receive my Palm cross and as I did, I saw a picture of a double edged sword half drawn from it's scabbard... and I heard a voice say "Take up my burden". That same day, somebody had a scripture given to them that was pertinent to that image.

It's probably that picture that inspires me to stay the most. I have a purpose, and part of me feels that the place that vision was given, is the place it will be fulfilled.

However, i am thinking of stepping back from a couple of responsibilities, and on the odd occasion visiting other churches.

Blessings

Nick

Musings on God, Automobiles and the Taxman.

Well first the Good News! I managed to get one over on the Inland Revenue!

Basically they've been overcharging me for about a year now, but they've finally seen it my way and so this month i don't have to pay income tax and I get a little bit back as rebate.

However... now the bad news! My car gets serviced tomorrow. It's overdue anyway, but there is a distinct rattling in the front nearside wheel... probably just a bush... hopefully not the wheel coming off. I always get pessimistic about this sort of stuff... I'm convinced I'll need all new tyres and an exhaust, the current ones have been on for years, yet have miraculously remained roadworthy!!!!!!

I wouldn't be at all surprised, if the bill for the car hits somewhere in the region of the amount I got back from the tax office.

Have you ever seen Signs? I really enjoyed it. A lot of sci-fi fans think it's quite poor... but I think they miss the point. The film is not actually a science fiction... it merely uses science fiction as a vehicle to get the real message across. That message is best summed up in a question Mel Gibson's character asks Joaquin Phoenix:

"See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences? "


I personally don't really believe in coincidence... I believe even the seemingly random events that happen in the world happen for a greater purpose, albeit not a purpose we can always understand. It's a bit like chaos theory... you know, everything appears just haphazard and unplanned but if you look closely patterns do emerge.

Here's a clip from the climax of Signs that illustrates that point quite beautifully:

That's why I believe that things have worked out the way they have. I think God knew I
wouldn't be able to pay for my car under normal circumstances, so events that seemed annoying a year ago have worked to my favour in the end.... thanks to his grace and his planning. Well that's the way I see it.

And so I'll leave you now, with that same question:

"See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences? "