Just Do It!

Just before New Year, I posted a blog entitled "Grappling with God".

I think I may have left it hanging there and never told you what occurred in the week or so after that... it was a pretty intense period.

Without going into specifics, I ended up in a situation which made me increasingly restless. I felt like I was in a set up, whether it was of divine, human or evil origins I didn't care... I was tearing myself apart out of fear... because I had no say into where I was going.

I'll admit now that I became so agitated, I sat up for most of one night just praying about it. When confronted with the situation I deliberately flung up all my old defences. I tried to portray myself in as bad a way as possible. I deliberately talked about spiritual stuff and went off the deep end theologically. I tried to be as cryptic, aloof and eccentric as possible. These are my old weapons... the wrong weapons. I must confess that I am capable of quite devious manipulation. I can control pretty much most people's perception of me. I make them all think I'm a bit crazy and it produces the response my subconscious desires... it keeps people liking me, but puts them a little on edge so they don't want to get too close. It's not a good thing... for one thing, I know it is wrong to control people... and for another it is the familiar minefield of self destructiveness that I keep trying to amble back on to.

The day passed without event, but I was so on edge that I panicked about it for a few more days. I looked weary and burdened on my first day back at work... and my best mate said I had a wild edge to my nature.

The truth that I have come to realise, the blatant truth that the Genesis passage I was given, has enabled me to see, is that I have been on the banks of the Jabbok river for a long time. Like Jacob I know that you can't turn back and return to burned bridges... and like Jacob, I have been absolutely petrified of going forward into a land of promise... because all I can see is my big hairy brother coming to kill me. Or in relevant terms, all I could see was a future I cannot control, where I may be at the mercy of others... and it scared the hell out of me.

What God taught Jacob, was that you cannot run away from your fears of the future... you have to face everything before you. The more important lesson he taught Jacob, was that the things that he (Jacob) could not control, didn't matter. God is far more able and better equipped to handle our issues, our inner demons and anything that confronts us. Jacob walked into Jabbok alone, with God kept at a nice, safe comfortable distance. However, God is sovereign and isn't subject to the little boxes we like to put people in. When God finished with Jacob, they walked out together - Jacob sustained by the swift, sure hand of God... had discovered that which hos father and grandfather had known before him... that God was his shield and very great reward.

The man walked in as Jacob and walked out as Israel.

I have made a resolution to stop playing chess and enjoy life for what it is. Life IS to short for chess... if you spend your moments guessing and second guessing every possible pathway in your future, like some warped Grandmaster... then you are going to miss practically every opportunity that comes your way.

My name is derived for the Greek deity of victory... the same one as a certain sportswear company. I should take note of their slogan and "just do it".

From now on, I intend to.

I'm going to be less deliberate, I'm not going to fight the waves... I'm going to surf them.

I'll leave you with Coldplay's "The Scientist". It is a song I sometimes use in prayer when I have these moments, when I know I need to repent of my obsessive nature. We have to realise that it's more important to embrace God and declare our need of and love for, him; rather than poking and prodding at all the mysteries and dilemmas before us.

My Deepest Fear

Recently, I have been pondering my nature and I believe I am beginning to understand what my greatest fear actually is.

The most obvious example is when I am interested in a girl and it doesn't seem to be working out. I start to worry that she may ask people I know, what they think of me... and that they will sell me short, because many of them don't have a proper understanding of who or where I am as a person.

I am also reluctant to read books, watch films or listen to music based solely on the recommendation of anyone I know. If I discover something it has to be something I stumbled on out of my own desire or inclination. I think you can see how hard it would be to get me agreeing to going on a blind date.

The truth is I fear being controlled/manipulated by other people. I don't mind so much with God, because he created me, gave me life, redeemed me... and he owns me. He is sovereign over me. Those around me however are not.

Everywhere around us, people play at being God. When talking to our friends we often "pigeon hole" them into being certain archetypes. We rarely accept people as they are, we are all guilty of such crimes. When I was at school I played on this tendency. I didn't want people to get too close to me that they hurt me, so I chose to play the archetype of class weirdo and oddball. I was like a court jester. Everyone liked me, but nobody loved me... I had little value to them.

I excelled in my performance... to such a degree that it began to spill over into my social life too. I shut them all out successfully. Not something I am terribly proud of. It is only people on the outside who generally see past my mask... despite the fact I don't wear it any more. I fear that many people will be basing their opinion of me, on an impression that was put on them many years ago. Only God can change that.

There are a few friends from that era who actively play on that side of my character... they try to bring it out in the company of others. I had a recent comment on my answerphone "jokingly" criticising my standard sounding message (in the past I have usually said something a little offbeat). Same person usually ties to make me look like a loon around others. Why he does this is beyond me... maybe it's to make himself look good, maybe it is because he likes to feel he has an element of control over other people. either way it is wrong.

At camp this year I was reminded that:

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the LORD." Proverbs 21:30

So clearly, the answer to this fear is to trust in God for it's resolution. Recently a friend of mine gave me a scripture when we were speaking about relationships:

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30:18

That really helped me out, it reminded me not to be anxious about what other people can say or do... just to wait my time and God's promises will be fulfilled. Besides, at the end of the day... would I really want to go out with someone who's perception of me was completely open to the suggestions of others? The great thing is, I don't think I have to try and do anything. God seems to be telling me he's got it sussed but he doesn't want to wreck it by spilling the beans.

The feeling I have is that this is like a game of Mousetrap... all the pieces are in place, they are just waiting for the moment the steel ball is dropped. When that happens, the elaborate mechanisms God has been busy setting up behind the scenes... will start dropping into place... and finally despite the efforts of all those nay sayers who are scurrying away below... the net will come down and God will be proved true to his word.

There is an irony between a friend of mine and myself. He holds himself back, because he fears (understandably if you knew the circumstance), that God will fulfill his word in his life sooner than he would be comfortable with; whereas I have been holding an area of my life back from God, for the opposite reason... I fear he will fulfill his word too late for me to be able to fully appreciate. Both these fears are of course absurd acts of rebellion. God's will is perfect, and he knows how much we can take. I hope I have learned my lesson and can wait upon the Lord without fearing the Machiavellian input of other people.

Time will tell.

Oh yes and I forgot to say... it's really important for me to maintain a balance between not worrying about peoples perceptions, and not leaving myself open to manipulation. Basically I have to chill out and not take myself or my troubles too seriously, but treat them seriously enough that I'm aware of any REAL attempts to make me act like a gimboid!