Just Do It!

Just before New Year, I posted a blog entitled "Grappling with God".

I think I may have left it hanging there and never told you what occurred in the week or so after that... it was a pretty intense period.

Without going into specifics, I ended up in a situation which made me increasingly restless. I felt like I was in a set up, whether it was of divine, human or evil origins I didn't care... I was tearing myself apart out of fear... because I had no say into where I was going.

I'll admit now that I became so agitated, I sat up for most of one night just praying about it. When confronted with the situation I deliberately flung up all my old defences. I tried to portray myself in as bad a way as possible. I deliberately talked about spiritual stuff and went off the deep end theologically. I tried to be as cryptic, aloof and eccentric as possible. These are my old weapons... the wrong weapons. I must confess that I am capable of quite devious manipulation. I can control pretty much most people's perception of me. I make them all think I'm a bit crazy and it produces the response my subconscious desires... it keeps people liking me, but puts them a little on edge so they don't want to get too close. It's not a good thing... for one thing, I know it is wrong to control people... and for another it is the familiar minefield of self destructiveness that I keep trying to amble back on to.

The day passed without event, but I was so on edge that I panicked about it for a few more days. I looked weary and burdened on my first day back at work... and my best mate said I had a wild edge to my nature.

The truth that I have come to realise, the blatant truth that the Genesis passage I was given, has enabled me to see, is that I have been on the banks of the Jabbok river for a long time. Like Jacob I know that you can't turn back and return to burned bridges... and like Jacob, I have been absolutely petrified of going forward into a land of promise... because all I can see is my big hairy brother coming to kill me. Or in relevant terms, all I could see was a future I cannot control, where I may be at the mercy of others... and it scared the hell out of me.

What God taught Jacob, was that you cannot run away from your fears of the future... you have to face everything before you. The more important lesson he taught Jacob, was that the things that he (Jacob) could not control, didn't matter. God is far more able and better equipped to handle our issues, our inner demons and anything that confronts us. Jacob walked into Jabbok alone, with God kept at a nice, safe comfortable distance. However, God is sovereign and isn't subject to the little boxes we like to put people in. When God finished with Jacob, they walked out together - Jacob sustained by the swift, sure hand of God... had discovered that which hos father and grandfather had known before him... that God was his shield and very great reward.

The man walked in as Jacob and walked out as Israel.

I have made a resolution to stop playing chess and enjoy life for what it is. Life IS to short for chess... if you spend your moments guessing and second guessing every possible pathway in your future, like some warped Grandmaster... then you are going to miss practically every opportunity that comes your way.

My name is derived for the Greek deity of victory... the same one as a certain sportswear company. I should take note of their slogan and "just do it".

From now on, I intend to.

I'm going to be less deliberate, I'm not going to fight the waves... I'm going to surf them.

I'll leave you with Coldplay's "The Scientist". It is a song I sometimes use in prayer when I have these moments, when I know I need to repent of my obsessive nature. We have to realise that it's more important to embrace God and declare our need of and love for, him; rather than poking and prodding at all the mysteries and dilemmas before us.

Kicking up a Sentimental Storm

I just wanted to apologise if you have come to my blog in a strange manner.

Article I am tagging are appearing all over the shop in places like Technorati yet they don't appear to be fresh.

What is going on?

Well relax, it's not some technological faux pas... it's me causing trouble as is customary.

Payne by name, pain by nature!

I am gradually going through my old blog at MSN Spaces and migrating my old blogs. You may consider this a waste of time, but I didn't want this place to be a fresh start, I wanted it to be a repository for all my thoughts from when I first started blogging. My MSN Space is pretty useless, by the time the front page loads... any interested party has given up and gone home a long time ago.

I hope the blogger experience will prove faster, more efficient, more fruitful and more importantly... I hope it gives off more of a personal feel. I'm not good at Template design but I steered clear of existing templates because I don't want this place to be something that looks like it's come off a conveyer belt.

So I'm sorry for all the old blogs that are coming in, but while you are here you may as well take a look at them or just browse through my various meanderings.. They chronicle a two year journey of faith and relationships, I've done my best to eliminate dross and have only brought across choice cuts. I felt it was important to give people an opportunity to see what I was like back in time, in order that they may understand who and where I am today.

Have fun poking about the place and normal service will resume shortly.

God bless

N

I Have Seen Him...

Christmas is well and truly coming.

I have encountered the jolly bearded one three times already.

I was typing on the computer when I heard the familiar sound of Christmas carols booming from a loudspeaker... and I lost all conscious thought as a long established childhood instinct took over. My heart stated racing and I frantically ran round looking for my wallet and my camera, the doorbell rang and I race to the door to be greeted by an elf. I made a donation and was given a dairy milk chocolate bar from Santa. You see, every year the local Round Table go round raising money for charity b y towing Santa round all the town streets on a trailer. There is something quite magical about it. For a few short minutes you are transported back through the mists of time until you are that little boy or girl, filled with the excitement of Christmas spirit again (not that I am saying adults cannot get excited... but it is a different kind of excitement).

When Santa had waved and raced past me at a blistering pace of 5 miles an hour, I found my mobile phone and sprinted up the other end of the road and captured him in all his glory:

It's kind of a fun photo because it almost looks as if he is magically teleporting into the street surrounded by a mystical aurora of light.

Earlier in the week I had received an anonymous tip off from an elf that... yes indeed, Santa was going to be visiting my best friend's street the night following his visit to me. Rob set the kids up for an early bath that evening and I stood on sentry duty, watching out for Santa from the back bedroom window.

Sure enough the telltale sound of Elton John's "Get into Christmas" came booming through the streets of Alcester, I sounded the alarm and Rob got his kids ready just in time to see Santa arrive in the close!

The following night, I was walking to the supermarket to get some food when Santa shot past me on his trailer... and he was clearly doing it for kicks. He was stood waving from his trailer as the utility truck that was towing him powered up the Birmingham Road suspiciously close the speed limit.... I hope he didn't get pulled over... what are the odds of Santa not being over the limit?

Actually I have to confess to having delusions about one day being Santa myself. Lets face it, I have the right name and I'm a Christian too which makes me a saint (saints in the correct context aren't men and women in fancy stained glassed windows with shimmering halos, they are just believers in Christ)! So therefore I already am Santa Claus because that is what his name is - Saint Nicholas! The only trouble with this is that I'm not fond of alcohol and I'm nowhere near rotund enough. Below is an image that might give you an idea of what I'd look like if I became Santa... do you think I'm up to the task?

If you don't pass this way again before Christmas... may you have a blessed one.

Debtwatch 2

Walked into the bank.

The outstanding loan figure this morning stood at £2862.50 (after interest). I walked into the bank and pulled out a sawn off shot... ahem I walked into the bank and transferred £300 from savings and £200 from a work bonus I received and transferred it to the flexiloan. At close of play tonight, £310 will transfer as normal onto the loan and despite interest going on, the simple fact remains that I have by the grace of God practically clobbered two months off my final repayment time.... HUZZAH!!!!!

According to my calculations, this will bring me towards a completion date of 1st August.

This month is a real acid test though. I have drained my resources down as far as I dare. Christmas is coming and I have friends and family to take care of...

...oh yes and one rogue tooth that requires a filling on Tuesday.... fun fun fun! Still at least I'll get half a day off work. Oh and may I say a special thank you to my father who decided to watch a spy thriller where some thugs did a DIY dentistry session on some poor bloke using nothing more sophisticated than a Black & Decker power drill!!!!!!!

I have three weeks left before I break up for the New Year, a new year full of hope and promise already.

I estimate that if I have the will to, over the next six months I can push to bring that clearance date forward by two more months. However, realistically I need to make sure I have enough money to pay my way at Scripture Union camp next year. I think I might save up for one more definite advance payment and then see how I fare over the remaining course.

Anyway, just signing off my second report as to how God is continuing to bless me in my attempts to get back on financial level terms.

Again I want to encourage and remind you that whatever millstone is hanging round your neck... emotional, financial, sinful, physical, mental... it is not too heavy for God to take off of you if you let him.

On a much lighter note, here is a pic of the present I've got Benji.... I can't stop pressing the eye laser button. The battery will be flat by Christmas at this rate.

Loan balance as at 1st December 2006: £2052.50

Emotional Conflict

One of my old problems has flared up again... I don't know why; maybe it is a seasonal thing, maybe it's the weather... maybe I'm just plain tired. Every so often I hit a wall... a time when I feel the pinch of walking the road I'm on and glance up to the things I hope and long for... and solemnly sigh at them still being unfulfilled.

It's been a while since I've had a proper girlfriend... heck did I EVER have a proper girlfriend for that matter? I effectively had a seven year solitary confinement sentence once, but that was all give, give and no take... a very sorry and parasitical state of affairs. I have waited patiently and resisted the temptation to move rashly... and sometimes that temptation has been sore. I know I'm not designed or cut out for solitary existence and I know the time will come when these days will end... but sometimes it really does hurt.

To quote a biblical sentiment that U2 echoed in on of their hits... how long must I sing this song?

I feel like I did when I climbed Great Gable the other week... having got over one peak, it was so disparaging to look across at a higher one and be told we hand to go down into a valley and climb up again even higher than before.

When you kill off the locusts that eat your crops, the land can still look barren for a long time to come. The important thing to remember is that the seeds of the new season grow silently beneath the seemingly desolate surface, and long before you see the green shoots of restoration and revival... strong sustaining roots are being put down deep into the fertile soil, where you cannot see it.

I think the most recent pangs I have experienced have come from a sense of "if I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor" to quote the band James. There are a couple of girls I'm keen on... one, far away and one close by. The former probably doesn't give me a second thought and probably just sees me as a helpful but eccentric soul on the all too rare occasions we have met. The other I barely know and don't really get much chance to rub shoulders with. I'm trying to get back into the habit of praying for them... no, not praying for them to be mine... I mean just praying for them... for God's protection, influence and blessing to be upon them. The way I see it you may as well turn these feelings into something constructive.

I would appreciate people's prayers on this one. I'm feeling especially vulnerable at the moment and I have struggled to overcome some inner adversity. Lately I have the feeling that the journey in this area is too much for me.

Hunter, Prey

Have you ever had that feeling where there doesn't seem any doubt that something is out to get you?

I was discussing with a friend of mine, my spiritual journey up until now. We reminisced how my only previous serious relationship had been a millstone for me. How it seemed like a perfectly engineered snare, designed to bring me down and destroy me. You could just say it was happenchance or coincidence... but I'm not a man who believes in coincidences. Like Einstein I do not believe God... nor the forces that dare attempt contend with him, play dice. Everything happens for a reason, just like in chaos theory.... even the seemingly pointless random and/or meaningless events, tragedies and surprises that come upon us are an act of will; all find meaning and fulfillment in the long term, the "bigger" picture.

That relationship WAS a purposely planned trap, I am certain. However despite the trap being sprung; in my case it didn't succeed in destroying me, although it came pretty close to leaving me utterly spent. The door was closed... but the thing about burglars is they always look for another way in:

"I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber."

It was shortly after I became free, that I became aware that a friend of mine was playing off my defences... to satisfy his ego. Let me explain something: when I am highly stressed, I tend to start playing the jester... doing strange surreal things to mask my discomfort. Unfortunately this makes people think I'm a complete lunatic... and they can't see past my brilliant disguise (probably because they are used to it). However, this one friend was particularly good at cultivating that reaction out of me. The same person has messed me about several times and in several different ways when I have tried to make a positive impression around girls... always to benefit his self image at my expense.

I could say that he knows how to push my buttons, knows how to use all my weaknesses against me.... but I seriously doubt he has the intellect to consciously do this. I have therefore concluded that he is being used as a pawn in a deadly game of cat and mouse. I believe the game is still afoot. I'm still being hunted. I feel like I have walked around in a circle and stumbled across the familiar tracks of my adversary. It is as if I have my own personal Loki (Norse god of mischief).

I could get all depressed here and feel miserable because of the oppressive force I feel is working against me... but it's simply not the case. While I have been thinking about these things, I am also reminded that I've had my fair share of "lucky" scrapes. There have been at least 4 times where I could have died as a result of possible or actual car incidents that I walked or drove away unschathed... and despite being in that dodgy relationship I spoke of, I got out of it.

I have mentioned before that I feel I am being "reserved" for a day of God's choosing. He has something for me to do... and the Enemy would do anything to stop me reaching whatever it is I am called to. It's the same for anyone who would follow God.

So I take joy in the fact that whatever is out there working against me... it is held in check by he who protects me The Good Shepherd who calls me to greener pastures - Jesus Christ.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

More than this I am confident that when the time is right, he will not just hold my ground... but claim the Land he has promised me:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

In all our troubles, we often fall into the danger of forgetting God is Sovereign. We must never forget that everything that happens to us as Christians, happens for the glory of God. We also have the assurance from scripture that he will never let us suffer beyond our means to bear whatever befalls us.

You may disagree with this and that's fine. My view of destiny and free will is more complex and "at odds" with both Augustinian and Pelagian theology. Although... I'm just a layman.

We are often transfixed by the problem of Evil. How can Good overcome Evil... when the fruits of Evil are so obviously evident and numerous in this world? I would like to challenge you to look at it another way. It is Evil that is perplexed and confounded by Good. For despite all it's short term victories I am confident that in the long term and most especially the eternal.... Good always prevails. The paragon of this is Jesus Christ himself: when darkness had it's hour and Evil had spent it's complete fury on him resulting in his death... it was not enough. More than this. Evil had not understood that God REQUIRED Evil to utterly spend itself on His Son.... in order that we would not have to pay the price ourselves. In it's short term success, Evil completely missed the point. This is what scripture says:

"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God."

So it is clear:

Evil does not understand Good. Darkness does not understand Light. Light however reveals darkness for what it is and overcomes it. Receive the Light of Christ and in the long term he will enable you to throw off your chains. Pretty soon whatever hunts you.... will become the hunted.

Always remember:

"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world"

My Deepest Fear

Recently, I have been pondering my nature and I believe I am beginning to understand what my greatest fear actually is.

The most obvious example is when I am interested in a girl and it doesn't seem to be working out. I start to worry that she may ask people I know, what they think of me... and that they will sell me short, because many of them don't have a proper understanding of who or where I am as a person.

I am also reluctant to read books, watch films or listen to music based solely on the recommendation of anyone I know. If I discover something it has to be something I stumbled on out of my own desire or inclination. I think you can see how hard it would be to get me agreeing to going on a blind date.

The truth is I fear being controlled/manipulated by other people. I don't mind so much with God, because he created me, gave me life, redeemed me... and he owns me. He is sovereign over me. Those around me however are not.

Everywhere around us, people play at being God. When talking to our friends we often "pigeon hole" them into being certain archetypes. We rarely accept people as they are, we are all guilty of such crimes. When I was at school I played on this tendency. I didn't want people to get too close to me that they hurt me, so I chose to play the archetype of class weirdo and oddball. I was like a court jester. Everyone liked me, but nobody loved me... I had little value to them.

I excelled in my performance... to such a degree that it began to spill over into my social life too. I shut them all out successfully. Not something I am terribly proud of. It is only people on the outside who generally see past my mask... despite the fact I don't wear it any more. I fear that many people will be basing their opinion of me, on an impression that was put on them many years ago. Only God can change that.

There are a few friends from that era who actively play on that side of my character... they try to bring it out in the company of others. I had a recent comment on my answerphone "jokingly" criticising my standard sounding message (in the past I have usually said something a little offbeat). Same person usually ties to make me look like a loon around others. Why he does this is beyond me... maybe it's to make himself look good, maybe it is because he likes to feel he has an element of control over other people. either way it is wrong.

At camp this year I was reminded that:

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the LORD." Proverbs 21:30

So clearly, the answer to this fear is to trust in God for it's resolution. Recently a friend of mine gave me a scripture when we were speaking about relationships:

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30:18

That really helped me out, it reminded me not to be anxious about what other people can say or do... just to wait my time and God's promises will be fulfilled. Besides, at the end of the day... would I really want to go out with someone who's perception of me was completely open to the suggestions of others? The great thing is, I don't think I have to try and do anything. God seems to be telling me he's got it sussed but he doesn't want to wreck it by spilling the beans.

The feeling I have is that this is like a game of Mousetrap... all the pieces are in place, they are just waiting for the moment the steel ball is dropped. When that happens, the elaborate mechanisms God has been busy setting up behind the scenes... will start dropping into place... and finally despite the efforts of all those nay sayers who are scurrying away below... the net will come down and God will be proved true to his word.

There is an irony between a friend of mine and myself. He holds himself back, because he fears (understandably if you knew the circumstance), that God will fulfill his word in his life sooner than he would be comfortable with; whereas I have been holding an area of my life back from God, for the opposite reason... I fear he will fulfill his word too late for me to be able to fully appreciate. Both these fears are of course absurd acts of rebellion. God's will is perfect, and he knows how much we can take. I hope I have learned my lesson and can wait upon the Lord without fearing the Machiavellian input of other people.

Time will tell.

Oh yes and I forgot to say... it's really important for me to maintain a balance between not worrying about peoples perceptions, and not leaving myself open to manipulation. Basically I have to chill out and not take myself or my troubles too seriously, but treat them seriously enough that I'm aware of any REAL attempts to make me act like a gimboid!

Farewell to Tonic

Tonic, our cat... brother of Gin... died yesterday. He had been having a little trouble breathing for some time, but it had got to the point where he could not curl up anymore, and he was sleeping outside at night, because the air was fresher.

Dad took him in for an X Ray in the morning, and we waited... hoping that it would just be a build up of fluids. It was not to be. Unfortunately he had a growth, the size of a golf ball on one of his lungs. As Tonic was still heavily sedated, the vet called Dad at work and asked for permission to put him to sleep there and then (there was nothing that could be done and it would have been cruel to let him come round... just so that he could be finished off later). Dad agreed, and Tonic: mighty hunter of birds, rodents and bats... now rests with his fathers.

I shall miss him. I said goodbye to him in the morning (just in case) and told him, not to worry because God would look after him if anything happened. Trust me, he knew his time was up, both of the cats knew. Ginny had been grooming him all week, and that wasn't normal... he usually wouldn't stand for much of that. Also, Tonic hated the vets, the mere sight of a basket would send him into a frenzy; yet, when dad brought the basket round yesterday Tonic serenely allowed him to lift him inside... with no fuss whatsoever. I think he knew his journey in life was nearing it's end... and he was ready to go... there was no fear, just a calm acceptance... time to go home. Animals seem to be more in tune with that sort of thing than we are.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a couple of my best memories of him.

He always used to sit on the doorstep and wait for me and dad to come home. Once , when he was relatively young... I had just come home from a weekend break... and I felt a searing pain in my leg, back and shoulder.... Tonic had run up the entire length of me and sat on my shoulder. He was also an outrageous fiend! He used to go round all the neighbour's houses, eat any of their pet's food and sleep in their beds. He totally lived the life of Riley! He was a complete bounder!

Ginny has always been the more nervy cat, bolting around loud noises or surprises... but it was always Tonic who suffered for things, despite being laid back. In his time, he was knocked down by a Land Rover... fracturing his leg and jaw, jumped off a roof to escape a massive, violent cat that hadn't been neutered... spraining his leg badly in the process; but by far, his most bizarre injury was in the late summer of one year. Somehow, he had managed to sniff up a seed... and it had taken root in the lining deep inside his left nostril. We only noticed it when it had grown long enough out of his nose for us to see, by which time he was incredibly irritable... poor blighter. The vet nearly had to resort to cutting his nose open to get at it, but fortunately after several attempts with the forceps... she managed to get the thing out of him. It was an inch and a half in length altogether!

He was always bringing something in that he had caught. He used to sit on the garage roof and swat down bats. One night, he even sat beneath a tree eyeing up an owl for supper (didn't give a second thought to the idea the owl might have been doing the very same thing to him!) Once he brought in a pigeon... nothing spectacular in that you might think, but when we took it off him and binned it, back he came two minutes later with another. This circle of events repeated several times until someone tracked him to a neighbour's house. The neighbour had been killing pigeons and had a utility truck full of their corpses! That, to a cat has to be the ultimate meal ticket!

So those are a few glimpses into the life and times of Tonic. It's better to remember him as he was, than to dwell on the last few days of his suffering.

Musings on God, Automobiles and the Taxman.

Well first the Good News! I managed to get one over on the Inland Revenue!

Basically they've been overcharging me for about a year now, but they've finally seen it my way and so this month i don't have to pay income tax and I get a little bit back as rebate.

However... now the bad news! My car gets serviced tomorrow. It's overdue anyway, but there is a distinct rattling in the front nearside wheel... probably just a bush... hopefully not the wheel coming off. I always get pessimistic about this sort of stuff... I'm convinced I'll need all new tyres and an exhaust, the current ones have been on for years, yet have miraculously remained roadworthy!!!!!!

I wouldn't be at all surprised, if the bill for the car hits somewhere in the region of the amount I got back from the tax office.

Have you ever seen Signs? I really enjoyed it. A lot of sci-fi fans think it's quite poor... but I think they miss the point. The film is not actually a science fiction... it merely uses science fiction as a vehicle to get the real message across. That message is best summed up in a question Mel Gibson's character asks Joaquin Phoenix:

"See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences? "


I personally don't really believe in coincidence... I believe even the seemingly random events that happen in the world happen for a greater purpose, albeit not a purpose we can always understand. It's a bit like chaos theory... you know, everything appears just haphazard and unplanned but if you look closely patterns do emerge.

Here's a clip from the climax of Signs that illustrates that point quite beautifully:

That's why I believe that things have worked out the way they have. I think God knew I
wouldn't be able to pay for my car under normal circumstances, so events that seemed annoying a year ago have worked to my favour in the end.... thanks to his grace and his planning. Well that's the way I see it.

And so I'll leave you now, with that same question:

"See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences? "