Sunday, March 20, 2005

Where Shall I Go? What Shall I do?

I went out last night and was more than a little concerned that somebody was setting a trap for me. I had a fallout with someone a while ago, if you read back in the archive you'll probably pick up on it. I had a nasty feeling somebody was going to try and patch things up between me and the person concerned, without bothering to test the water over how I feel about such a move.
This would have been dangerous, I have forgiven the person, but I feel distance would be appropriate from now on... my friendship was used, and nothing constructive can come from trying to reignite a one sided relationship.
If in the future things progress in this way, it could well end up with a big schism between more people, so I'm hoping I am just being defensively paranoid. I am always trying to work out the various strategies and tactics people will adopt when handling situations that involve me.
Thankfully last night was me just being paranoid, the person I feared might show up didn't and it was a lot of fun in the end... must stay off concentrated orange juice... it does something to my head! Either that, or the Chinese restaurant were cooking the wrong kind of mushrooms if you catch my drift.

I'm writing this now, because I'm seriously trying to burn up time before going to church. I don't wish to go early today, the person I had a clash with is going, and I know they will take the opportunity to have another dig over what I did with the cross. I'm trying to avoid all possibility of talking to that person, because it'll mean one of three things. 1) I'll back down. 2) I'll confront, 3) I'll run away. None of these options seem constructive in the short term. There will come a time for conflict, but now doesn't seem right to me. Let God be the judge of his church... and may his judgement come swiftly. Sooner the house is in order, the sooner the building can start.

So... where shall I go, what shall I do? In conversation last night it came up that maybe I should move churches, because I don't have a lot of support where I am and that I seem to be giving more than I receive. To be honest, I've never really needed to lean on anyone in a pastoral sense at church, so I don't feel I need to receive from people to the degree other people assume. The only support I do need is when I go out and do something radical, I need backup at those times... and at the moment I'm not getting it.

I'm not a church hopper. I don't believe in flitting from one church to another like an experience junkie. If you have a strong spiritual constitution, you should try and help build the church you are in first... always consider carefully before you leave.

The time may come for me to go, but I feel God has something planned... besides it was something like 3 years ago to this very day (Palm Sunday) that I received a vision. I went up to receive my Palm cross and as I did, I saw a picture of a double edged sword half drawn from it's scabbard... and I heard a voice say "Take up my burden". That same day, somebody had a scripture given to them that was pertinent to that image.
It's probably that picture that inspires me to stay the most. I have a purpose, and part of me feels that the place that vision was given, is the place it will be fulfilled.

However, i am thinking of stepping back from a couple of responsibilities, and on the odd occasion visiting other churches.



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