ABC... Easy as 1 2 3?

After reading about the Church of England's decision to allow open online consultation over the appointment of the next Archbishop of Canterbury, and having read reactions from Vicky Beeching and the tongue-in-cheek folks at Ship of Fools, I felt inspired to write up my own "unique" look at some unusual alternative candidates who it might be worth considering.

Who Will succeed Rowan Williams as Archbishop of Canterbury?

If you are a regular follower of my blog... I think you know what to expect. A poll will follow at the end, which I would be honoured if you would please vote on... and remember it is just for fun. :)

Candidate 1: Gandalf the White (The Lord of the Rings)

As you are probably aware, throughout his tenure as existing Archbishop of Canterbury (and possibly even prior to this), Rowan Williams picked up the affectionate nickname of Gandalf. I even joked a few weeks ago that after his resignation, Rowan would return to the role as Rowan the White. However let us consider for a moment the possibility that the ACTUAL Gandalf inherited the role of Primate. Having one of Tolkien's Istari on board, would come in extremely handy. Apart from demonstrating powerful magical abilities, effective combat against the forces of evil and dispensing wisdom to the the peoples of Middle Earth, as Archbishop Gandalf would guarantee a world beating display of New Year fireworks along the Thames during his tenure. Oh and he already has a handy stick.

Candidate 2: Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars)

If beards are your thing and you want an alternative to Gandalf, why not choose old Ben? In an illustrious career only slightly marred by one pastoral failure with an apprentice (although... true, it did lead to the subsequent near extinction of his order), Ben Kenobi would be a great choice for a Church of England seeking to reach out to a generation yearning for action and purpose, that feels forgotten and trapped in a bleak environment. Furthermore if anything nasty should befall him, he'll just return with an eerie blue glow and hand out even more inspirational advice to the Anglican Communion.

Candidate 3: Ambassador Kosh Naranek (Babylon 5)

Perhaps an outside choice in science fiction circles, Kosh might just prove to be an important bridge between a church that is sometimes perceived as distant and disconnected from society. The Vorlons faced similar accusations (Kosh himself didn't help by implying they took no interest in the affairs of others), however to the very contrary they had a finger in every single pie and were very involved in the affairs of others. The Vorlons in general were bastions of order... but Kosh demonstrated a genuine care and compassion for the aliens he encountered that was unique. It is true that half the things he said would confuse even the best cryptic crossword solver, but you can't doubt his motives or his achievements.... and although shy and retiring... when he comes out of his shell his actions can be perceived to be angelic.  However... be very wary of the guy who follows after him.

Candidate 4: Spock (Star Trek)

Spock would surely have to be the logical choice.  Although half human and capable of emotion, his unswerving devotion to the merits of logic would ensure that personal feeling would not compromise any theological debates. Also... let's not forget that Spock himself has a certain level of insight into the meaning of great personal sacrifice and resurrection which are surely invaluable. However, it should be noted that whilst logic and theology have their place and might endear him to some traditionalists, a lack of emotion might equally isolate him from charismatics and liberals... and this should be borne in mind.

Candidate 5: The Doctor (Doctor Who)

"It's a mitre. I wear a mitre now. Mitres are cool!" He's defended the planet Earth from hostile forces an innumerable amount of times, he has gone face to face with demons and even the Devil himself. Having been compared to a god on several occasions, could the beloved time-travelling wild old man of the universe have a realistic role in shaping the Anglican Church of the future? It is certainly true that Christians should be like the TARDIS (living lives that are bigger on the inside than on the outside), however churches should definitely be the other way round - bigger on the outside (in the community), than on the inside (within its walls). The Doctor would probably take issue with forms of worship that didn't get congregations to think about and engage with what they believed in... he'd be very much against anything that lulled people into what he perceived as a mindless conforming pattern like the Cybermen. However The Doctor would be excellent at travelling across the entire length and breadth of the Church of England with his TARDIS (only missing important appointments by a couple of years every now and then), and he could offer something unique that other candidates could not - a personal pilgrimage to see events from the Bible as they happened. Some might question whether a Time Lord who is difficult to tie down in any place and time is fit for permanent office, but let's not forget he held the Presidency of the High Council of Gallifrey for a time.

So there are my amusing alternatives. Please do vote and if you have any other alternatives or serious suggestions, please do get in touch and comment below... I'd love to hear what you have to say...

Who Should Be The Next Archbishop of Canterbury?

Mirrored Resolutions

"If if you're gonna prove to them that you're world class bobsledders, then you'd better look like world class bobsledders!"

Coach Irv Blitzer - Cool Runnings

We are more than a few days into our mutual voyage of discovery that is 2011. The shores of the past year are now just a line on the horizon... and as I look forward to the times to come, I find myself reflecting on a few resolutions I have made (yes I eventually came up with a few).

I took a long hard look in the mirror and came to the conclusion that whatever I am... I need to straighten a few things out. There are areas of my life where I don't take myself seriously enough; there are also other areas where the reverse is true - the charge could be made that I take myself far too seriously.

At work, in the past... I have normally just worn a smart shirt and pair of trousers. I have been content to be seen as a cog in the machine and to allow people (if they have so wished), to project that image onto me. I had an epiphany (now that's good ecclesiastical timing), and decided to raise my game somewhat. I dashed out in the week and got my self a couple of washable suits... and from now on I'm going to wear a full suit to work. I hope the message is clear.  After several casual inquiries as to whether or not I had a job interview and the odd humorous remark, it should be becoming apparent that the suits are here to stay.

I am not making a statement about my working conditions... I am making a statement about myself. I am saying that from this moment on... in the sight of others.... I am treating myself with self respect.  This is not about vanity and as much as it is about making a point to others... it's about making a point to myself. Nobody suggested I should do this, nobody pressured me or suggested it would benefit me to do this. I felt in my heart it was the right thing to do... and have gone with it. In the Isaac Asimov book Bi-Centennial Man, the (then) robot protagonist - Andrew, begins his pursuit of individual freedom from a place of servitude...and does so by choosing to wear clothes.

I quoted the film "Cool Runnings" for a very good reason... in order to be accepted as athletes, the Jamaican bobsled team couldn't take to the tracks wearing civvies... they needed to look the part. Yet, near the climax of the film they understand something of equal importance: looking the part and being equal in appearance is merely the start of the journey... it is not the end of the journey. They try emulating their rivals warm up routines... but this ends in embarrassment and only furthers the ridicule they receive from the other teams. The truth they realised is that looking the part and stepping up to the plate does not mean that you close the door on who you are as a person. They take to the track one more time and warm up using a routine that reflects their own culture.  Their efforts are rewarded when they race down the track and set a blistering time.

The biblical David was exactly the same. When he faced off against Goliath, he rejected all efforts to kit him out in regular (and ill fitting) armour. Instead he marched out with a sling and five smooth stones... and the armour of knowing his life and his destiny were in the hands of his God.

And as we know the story so well... the rest as they say, is history.

The Goliaths of our  day are not always so literal... nor are they always an external adversary. Low self esteem, doubt, fear... all of these could easily be classed as Goliaths. However, you don't need me to tell you who or what your Goliaths are... if like me you take a good look in the mirror or meditate in prayer... they reveal themselves for what they are sooner or later.

All you need to know about your giants and your demons... is that you have to knock them on their backsides. Sooner or later... if you are going to get to the good stuff or the meaningful things in life, you have to go up to the big nasty man on the bridge... and knock him flying into the water.

You can pace up and down the river bank for hours, days, months or years. You can turn back and settle for less than what you are... but there will always be a nagging feeling... something gnawing at you within, urging you to go back and be who you are supposed to be.... and explore the possibilities of who and what you can become.

But the trouble with demons and giants is that they aren't known  for their respect of human beings. If you go up against them in your own strength... sooner or later you are going to find an opponent that is too hard to beat. You ride to war... but not to victory.

In The Lord of the Rings, Aragorn faces similar peril. For all of his years he had been wandering in the wilderness, fighting evil in the guise of a ranger. However, when the things that he cherishes the most are threatened, he finds his assets are wanting.

It is at this point that Elrond offers him a potential solution. If Aragorn assumes the mantle of king, he can overcome the mountain in his way... but only Elrond holds the secret to unlocking that destiny... Anduril, flame of the West.

Similarly we can go up against our mountains, giants, demons, dragons... whatever you want to call them... but we need the One who can unlock the way for us to do that. There is one human name that these beings do respect.

Jesus.

Like Aragorn, we need the authority of a king in our life's journey. If we invite Jesus Christ into our lives... we gain that authority. For as Paul writes:

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, and gave himself for me.

Galatians 5:20

King David knew only too well how much providence and blessing could flow from the hands of God in the face of adversity. If you read Psalm 18, he talks of having the power to advance a troop, scale a wall, bend bronze, subdue nations and make strongholds fall.

I don't know about you... but when I look at some of the challenges and promises that rise up along the road ahead, it's very reassuring to know the God of Heaven and Earth offers to walk with me.

Peace be the Journey (Cool Runnings).

The Waiting Game

I want to share with you a small picture... something I observed last week that taught me something about the process of waiting.

Last Sunday at church, we had a minor prop malfunction, as it came time to light the first candle on the advent wreath. The safety matches wouldn't strike up and in the end, the only way to get the candle to light was to take the taper up to the altar and use an already lit candle to ignite it. Then it was a case of precariously wandering back to the wreath and lighting the candle.

Fire is a very powerful element - difficult to control and a force that in full flow, consumes all in it's path. However, when fire is made up of just a single flame... it is easily snuffed out, it is vulnerable.

So as I observed the taper going back down the chancel - it's flame dimming and flickering, constantly flirting with the threat of being extinguished; I couldn't help thinking it was a picture that perfectly summarised the meaning of Advent.

Advent is all about waiting.

Advent is about waiting for a number of things - it is about waiting to celebrate the birth of Christ on Earth, some 2 millennia ago. It is about waiting to celebrate the Christmas in our present day, a time when we give and receive gifts... and are reunited with friends, family and people who are near and dear to us; when we give thanks for all the gifts and relationships we have been blessed with. Finally, advent is about reflecting on the wait for Christ to return at the Second Coming (something that is a central tenet of Christian belief... and is in various forms of the Creed, but is often overlooked... or even seen as a fringe fundamentalist belief by some even within the Church).

What is it about waiting? It invokes emotions from deep within us... right across the scale. In Britain we've even turned the process of waiting diligently into an art form. I don't think anybody else in the world queues in orderly fashion, quite like the British.

What we are waiting for... often affects our anticipation, our experience and how we wait. For those who are waiting for something negative, the waiting process often incorporates feelings of dread, panic, anger, nervousness or anxiety; whilst those who are waiting for a good thing will often experience longing, doubt, impatience or frustration.

The point I'm trying to illustrate is that whatever we are waiting for, there is something we universally share as a collective... waiting is uncomfortable.

This is especially the case when we are waiting on the promises of God because by their very nature they are invisible and immeasurable... we often can't see them until they are realised. This is something that is echoed throughout scripture. How many times in the psalms do we hear the anguish filled question: "How long?" Or for just how many years did the Israelite slaves languish in suffering and misery waiting for deliverance from their Egyptian oppressors? Even when the time scale of certain events were known (such as the prophecy concerning Babylonian exile), the feelings of doubt or hopelessness must have been immense.

The problem with waiting upon the divine, is that it is out of our reach and beyond our control; we have to wait until the divine promise comes to us.

Think back to my anecdote about the advent wreath. The taper could not be lit at source by the matches provided. It had to be taken to the altar (the place that is symbolic of the divine), lit there and then there came a tense wait as the flickering taper returned to light the candle.

That's what waiting on God is like. You can't even begin to receive the promises of God until you abandon your ineffective matches and take your taper to the one who can ignite it with hope. Even then when the hope is kindled... there is often an even more anxious wait as time passes by as the fragile flame gradually journeys towards us.

There's a verse in the Old Testament that has had a strong impact on me in the past... and to my mind sums up perfectly the agony that accompanies waiting:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

Waiting is by definition the process of enduring while your hopes and dreams are deferred. Realization of those hopes and dreams then, is the fulfilment... the tree of life that comes as a reward for our patience and long-suffering.

In The Lord of the Rings, the kingdom of Gondor has been awaiting a king for a very long time... in fact so long has the wait been that some (including it's corrupted steward, Denethor), have even dismissed the need for a king. With the forces of darkness gathering around the city of Minas Tirith, Gandalf resolves to do something about the situation and persuades Pippin to light the beacon of the city in the hope that Gondor's allies will rally to her defence. Even when this happens, it takes time for the successive beacons to get their message to Rohan... and it takes even more time for Aragorn and Theoden to muster their respective forces, save the city and restore the throne to Aragorn.

Western Christians in the modern age live in a time where many in the world around us have similarly grown either doubtful, sceptical or resentful of the idea of a God who is king.

Christianity started out as a single flame... Jesus. Revival begins by putting down our useless matches and going back to that one, original sacred flame. I believe as Christians we can set the world ablaze in two ways; if we do it in our own strength we will misrepresent the Gospel... burning and consuming those we meet. Yet if we take God's flame it will enrich the lives of others... only consuming that which separates them from him.

Finally I want to offer a word of encouragement to all who are waiting, but can see no end to their wait.  Perhaps you are waiting for the end of some difficult circumstances... or perhaps something you feel long promised by God, has not materialised after an extremely long wait. I shall leave you with this final passage which I feel is appropriate in advent... for it reminds us that in every given circumstance (his birth, our lives, and his return), the promise and the presence of Jesus... is not far away:

Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what they have done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

Revelation 22:12-13

Flirting With Your Fortress

When I started blogging back in 2005 on my (now pretty much deserted) MSN Space, I originally called the blog "Nick's Sanctuary and Fortress of Solitude". It wasn't long before I realised this was actually a bit of a mouthful and dropped the "Fortress of Solitude".

However, that didn't change the original reason I created my blogs - neither this one, nor it's predecessor. They were intended to be a place where I could explore my beliefs in my on head. It's there right before you in the blog description - "A safe haven for sharing my thoughts about my faith, my life and the universe in general". It's still very much a fortress... but I think I need to actually come to terms with what a fortress... a stronghold is actually for.

It occurs to me that maybe sometimes I've sat here and thrown witty remarks or missiles out at my targets from the battlements... but that's little better than the French in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It doesn't deal with the wolf outside the door, it doesn't claim territory for your king... it's just a snug, cosy way of dealing with things. That is not what a sanctuary - a fortress is for... and something I read recently challenged me with regard to this.

Eugene Peterson referred to what he believed a sanctuary exists for... when referring to the time the Old Testament hero David, was a fugitive running from the maniacal King Saul (David went up to a sanctuary in a town called Nob to take refuge, you can read about it here). Peterson writes that:

"A sanctuary is... where I, like David, get bread and a sword, strength for the day and weapons for the fight."

I agree with him. If we stay holed up where it's safe, we make little headway. Every historical stronghold I can think of has at some point fallen to an attacking force... you can only hold out so long. In Lord of the Rings, King Theoden is trapped within his stronghold of Helm's Deep... it is about to fall... when he heeds the advice to gear up and take the battle to the enemy. This seemingly futile gesture is rewarded when Gandalf and the Rohirrim come charging into the fray, ploughing through the orc hordes and smiting all before them:

I'm not saying that we should never remain within the safety of the city walls... clearly in scripture there is wisdom in this also - Hezekiah was commanded by God not to leave Jerusalem... and an angel struck down the armies of the Assyrian king Sennacherib.

What I am saying is that although sanctuaries are places to protect what you value, they are also places to nourish yourself from hidden reserves, equip yourself for battle and muster your forces. They are also a place where you train for combat. The other day I referenced Smallville and it's been established in the series that Clark will have to go to the stronghold built specifically for him - the Fortress of Solitude, in order to complete his training as a superhero and the transition into Superman - the Man of Steel. In the clip below, we see him get a brief taste of this training:

My hope is that as I have continued to voice my concerns and beliefs on this site, that I have also learned to hone the skills and powers I'm going to need for what God calls me to. That is what this blog is for now. It's not just a place for protection... it's a launchpad.

Way Beyond the Red Line

Various things have happened to me over the weekend which are leading me to conclude that God is totally putting me through the ringer at the moment. I've been contemplating what my calling should be and the direction my life should be heading in for a while now; all of a sudden though, it's gone completely mental.... like riding a horse you thought was tame but then explodes off into a gallop at breakneck speed unexpectedly. I decided to write it down here, partly to share but also to make sure I do not forget.

It started off subtly. Earlier in the week, I had a dream where a deceased friend gave me a lift in his car to somewhere random... and upon waking it reminded me of a blog entry I had written - a blog entry that I discovered had been accessed later that day by someone who was searching for that friend's name on Google. It was this entry.

Then over the weekend,for reasons I don't need to go into, I was reminded very strongly of another post; one where I adapted a philosophical quote by the Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi:

One night, Zhuangzi dreamed of being a butterfly — a happy butterfly, showing off and doing things as he pleased, unaware of being Zhuangzi. Suddenly he awoke, drowsily, Zhuangzi again. And he could not tell whether it was Zhuangzi who had dreamt the butterfly or the butterfly dreaming Zhuangzi. But there must be some difference between them! This is called 'the transformation of things'.

Back then, I reworded it to suit a more personal challenge:

"Are you the man of God who dreams of being a man with a normal everyday life... or are you the man with an everyday life, who dreams of being a man of God?"

I deduced that I was more the latter... but I didn't come to any hard and fast conclusions as to what that might in terms of calling or vocation.

I found myself in a position last night where my peace had been disturbed... but that's not a bad thing. We can get too settled with peace and become stagnant if we are not careful. It's a bit like hitting the snooze button repeatedly when you know you need to get up for work. During this time I was reminded of a passage in the Bible that I believe was a personal warning:

"Then he told this parable: "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?'

" 'Sir,' the man replied, 'leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.' "

Luke 13:6-9

Upon waking this morning I caught the end of a debate about the realism behind the Christmas story (something I intend to cover myself), I was appalled that the man who most readily dismissed elements of the nativity as fable... was a Church of England chaplain; it was left to two doctors of theology to defend certain elements of the Nativity.

Then when I came to check my email, my Last FM player pipes up with a track from the Prince of Egypt:

This is a film that always evokes an emotional response from me, most notably in the sequence where God meets Moses from within the Burning Bush. That sequence can be found in the middle of this clip:

Interestingly, all the personal back references I have made are all interconnected.

Back to today... and I decided to set off on foot for my church 2.5 miles away. It's something I recommend, it's a great opportunity to communicate with God when no one else can distract you... and it was a very busy discussion today. The passage from the previous evening came back to my mind and I was also reminded of a vision I had a while back of an eagle stripping it's nest so it's young could fly.

I felt God say to me that he doesn't need to strip any more away from me in order for me to leave. I am ready and I am able, but he is frustrated that I have not been completely willing. Like Moses and Jonah before me, I have clutched onto the tatters of the nest in order to resist facing what is before me. God doesn't want to take anything else away, but by being stubborn I run the risk of forcing his hand... and anything I lose now is as a consequence of any reluctance I might have.

Then I was brought to thinking about Smallville. Yes that sounds pretty random but bear with me. I actually like the programme, but am frustrated with it. I was asked in my heart "What do you not like about Smallville, Nick?" The honest answer to that is the fact that it has been dragged out, it has gone on and on. The writers have found newer ways to stretch out Clark Kent's evolution into the Man of Steel. At the moment he's ready to do his training... but he's got to clear up his mess. Everything is set for him to become who he is destined to be... but he's still hanging round Smallville. Typing this reminds me very much of a scene from The Lord of the Rings, one that it now occurs to me I have also referenced in this blog:

"The man who can wield the power of this sword can summon to him an army more deadly than any that walks this earth. Put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be."

Elrond - The Return of the King

So it seems I'm in the same position as Clark and Aragorn... remaining in the wilderness when I should be committing myself to who I really am.

I wasn't even safe when I arrived at church. The combined theme of the carol service, the readings and the talk was spiritual offering. And one of the things that was raised was calling/vocation. We were shown a picture of a statue - a monk standing cruciform and holding his possessions before him. It was quite striking:

It gave me a fair bit to think about. Then we were challenged to think about something we could offer God and wrap a stone that representing it in Christmas paper...and leave it at the manger. Three guesses what was on my heart and mind to put in there. While we were being asked to do that, my mind drifted to the carol "In the Bleak Midwinter", specifically the last verse:

What can I give him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
if I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;
yet what I can I give him: give my heart.

It was not on the carol sheet for the service... but do you know what? The organist started playing it about 30 seconds after it popped into my head.

Finally after the service I spoke to a couple of friends who were visiting my church for the day. I told them what I was feeling challenged over and their overall reaction was pretty much "Oh Nick, it's about time!"

I chose the title for this blog entry because I feel that in such a short space of time I have been catapulted into a different place. I wasn't entirely comfortable with the sudden burst of speed. However I much prefer this to silence... and so whilst God has seemingly given me a lot to act upon, I am grateful for the activity.

God bless you all

Nick.

God "Does a Gandalf" on Me

One of my favourite scenes in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, is the early sequence where Gandalf confronts Bilbo over his addictive possessiveness with regard to the One Ring. Sadly the sequence is not on YouTube yet, so I'll do my best to recount it for you:

Basically Gandalf... suspecting the true nature of Bilbo's trinket, gently suggests that Bilbo hand it over.... but Bilbo is too caught up in the Ring's power to obey and becomes increasingly possessive and even agitated - to the point of shaking his fists at Gandalf (not a good plan).

It's at this point that Gandalf suddenly changes his attitude... the room darkens, he appears to grow...

and he thunders out in a terrifyingly loud voice...

"BILBO BAGGINS! DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS! I AM NOT TRYING TO ROB YOU..."

then he becomes the friendly old man again...

...and gently concludes...

"... I am trying to help you."

Bilbo is overcome with tears of conviction and realising the gravity of his error, runs into the arms of his friend.

Although the story doesn't quite leave it there,the eventual outcome is that Bilbo... respecting Gandalf's authority, obeys and abandons the Ring.

I love the sequence because this is my experience of God's authority. He's my closest friend...but every now and the, I get out of line and he has to play the sovereignty card on me.

Today was such a day.

Lately I've been dragging my heels a bit and rebelling against God on a couple of issues. Why? Because I've grown irritated with the long wait on his promises... and also for the worst of all reasons... simply "because I could".

This morning's first reading was from Jeremiah:


"This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD : "Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message." So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the LORD came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel. If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. And if at another time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted, and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it. "Now therefore say to the people of Judah and those living in Jerusalem, 'This is what the LORD says: Look! I am preparing a disaster for you and devising a plan against you. So turn from your evil ways, each one of you, and reform your ways and your actions.'"

Jeremiah 18:1-11

Whoa heavy stuff... and I was left in no doubt whatsoever as to how God was challenging me...but just in case there was any doubt... in came Exocet number 2:

"Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. "Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.' "Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."

Luke 14:25-33

It's worth pointing out here that in the first part of that, Jesus wasn't being literal... he was using hyperbole. He doesn't expect us to literally hate our families (because that would contradict God's law), what he does expect is that we put those things firmly behind our relationship with him. God should be our priority.

Either way I was on my knees. I felt that God was saying to me that he had plans and promises for my life, and trusting in that should be enough for me. If I don't trust him and decide to rebel against him, he can easily take that blessing away and give it to another. Furthermore I'm not in a position to argue with this. He outguns me and is calling me to account. I'm not allowed to fight anymore... it's time to send out delegation and talk terms of peace.

I felt his disappointment and deep hope for me, these are my words but it is exactly how it felt:

"Nick, I know what is on your heart and all I'm asking is for you to wait a little longer... the things you need will come. It's not a lot to ask. It hurts me that you choose to act against that and rebel instead of just trusting. You know better than this. Don't you realise I don't have to give you any of these things? It is all by my grace."

I am instantly reminded of the times as a child when I asked my parents for something for Christmas and it was expensive. Because of the nature of the treat,good behaviour was required of me until Christmas Day... there were times I slipped up... and naturally it was on my mind as to whether or not I had crossed the line... whether the present would remain out of reach because of my disobedience.

My response was very swift. Like Bilbo, I realised the gravity of my mistake and felt a sudden steely determination not to let things slip. Strange as it sounds I actually like it that God is prepared to be stern with me...and not simply abandon me to my stupidity. I love him for that.

All this led me to thinking about the time that the Disciples asked Jesus to "increase their faith".

It seemed like a good idea... with a few minor modifications.

I asked God to increase my faith.
I asked God to increase my hope.
I also asked God to increase my love.

And the greatest of these is LOVE...

To Quote Mark Twain:

"The reports of my death, have been greatly exaggerated".

I'm sure that must be a cliche amongst bloggers, especially when used in the context of having been away from your blog for a while. However I wanted people to be sure I wasn't disappearing quietly into the night... I would say reassure, but I would guess that most people who end up reading my blog, do so by accident and regard it as a navigational hazard.

I can only hope there are some that regard stumbling onto this site as a "happy accident".

Recently I read another person's blog that suggested that it is this time of year when blogs tend to die off. I don't know if that is statistically true... but I have to agree, you do get that impression. It's a time of year when people go away on holiday, or have other things to do with the better weather. Things become quiet and the temptation to just forget about writing and just move on is strong indeed.

Watching these things happen is a bit like standing at the end of the universe and watching the stars slowly go out one by one:

Or to take an example from popular culture, I guess I feel a little bit like Frodo and Samwise as they chance upon some Wood Elves leaving Middle Earth.

Sam comments that seeing them leave is "kind of sad" but he doesn't know why. I think it is because he knows deep down, a little bit of the magic is leaving his world.

That is how I feel when I read a dormant blog. It is like walking into a derelict or abandoned church; or maybe it is like looking upon a tombstone, monolith... or a monument commemorating something or someone that has been lost forever to memory and time.

I don't wish for that to ever happen to my blog (unless I pull the plug on it like at MSN Spaces), I feel so strongly about this that I'm considering handing the keys over to this place should anything befall me. Maybe it would be a bit freaky if it still bore my name and picture... but the reason for this blog's existence is more important to me than any sense of it being branded in my image.

So serious about this am I, that I even have a shortlist of potential "heirs", people who I would feel honoured to take the helm in my absence (short term or permanent).

That is enough blogging about blogging. I have things to say about politics in the next few days, so expect business as usual very shortly.

God bless

N

Victory Disguised as Defeat

Well I didn't succeed in getting promoted to a job at work yesterday. I was narrowly beaten into second choice by a woman called Miss Perfect (I'm not joking... that's her name, I should have seen the portents and warning signs in that one shouldn't I!). Having not secured the position I was aiming for, I failed... didn't I?

Or did I?

It doesn't occur that way to me. I'm naturally disappointed, but I feel that despite losing one battle... I've won a more important long term one. You have to look at the bigger picture.

The very fact that I stepped up to bat at all, demonstrated that I'm not the doormat people take me to be. If I feel something is good for me... I'm prepared to go for it. I'm not just an "also ran".

When the working day was over and I was called in to be informed of the result, I was told that I had performed really well in interview. The panel had taken a level playing field approach and I had risen to the very top of that field - I should be proud of myself. Their was only one part of the job... one fatally crucial part that I was beaten on by one of the other candidates. I know it was hard for them because they took two hours to deliberate just between the two of us. Having had it explained to me, I know putting me as second choice was the right decision.

However good will come of this. I have won allies. all the people on the interview panel are on the management team. My own boss was so impressed with me (to a degree which surprised even her), that she fought to let me keep one aspect of the job that she felt would be good for my development. Furthermore, without wanting to go into too much detail... I have confidence that people are going to fight my corner when it comes time for my next appraisal. The other good thing is that I will get the time to train up in other areas I feel are important to both my career and future personal development.

So no, I haven't lost - this is one of my Gandalf moments!

What do I mean by that? If you've read or watched Lord of the Rings, you will know that Gandalf goes up against his superior - Saruman the White and is temporarily incarcerated at Isengard. Later on, Gandalf is confronted by the Balrog - a terrible demonic force, bent on destruction. Gandalf defeats the Balrog but falls "out of thought and time". Gandalf the Grey dies... but it is not the end. He is restored to life and sent on to complete his mission as Gandalf the White. Later in the hall of King Theoden he breaks the spell of Saruman the White that is holding the King... astounding his former superior, who's staff and authority he later breaks. If Gandalf had not fallen, not made the supreme sacrifice... he would never have received the power and authority to defeat Saruman.

Loss is an important part of growth. if the seed does not perish the tree cannot be born.

In the last couple of years, my God has taken me along this route.... he has started with my friends and now he is doing it to my colleagues. Bringing me into situations where I am cloaked in grey but giving me the opportunity to show my true mettle.

So the temporal physical result of my interview is not so much of an issue to me... I feel I have proved my character and my true nature to both my colleagues and myself. I still consider after all that has happened, that this is an achievement. Amusingly and poignantly Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind" is playing on my Yahoo radio as I write this.

As we are also coming up to Good Friday... I couldn't resist looking at the ultimate example of victory disguised as defeat - the death of Jesus Christ. Metallica once wrote a song about this describing Jesus as "the God who failed". On the surface, it must have certainly seemed like that 2000 years ago in the city of Jerusalem. Jesus lay cold in the grave, butchered under Roman law by gentile and jew alike. his disciples locked themselves away in defeat. One (Judas) took his life over his shame and act of betrayal, another (Simon Peter) harboured the dark secret that he had denied the existence of his best friend to save his own skin. Imagine the shock of Mary Magdalene, Simon Peter, John, and the rest of the disciples as they each experienced something of a miracle. some at forst only saw the empty grave.... but others saw Jesus. On the road to Emmaus, two of Jesus disciples had the whole picture explained to them why the death of Jesus was necessary, why his story didn't end in death. Why... even today he lives. Metallica were wrong. God does not fail, he operates on a different level.... where the contexts of victory and defeat are fundamentally altered.

What mankind often conceptually regards as victory or defeat, often differ greatly from the real concepts of victory or defeat that God would have us understand.

For of man's victories he says:

And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'

"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '

"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'

"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God." - Luke 12:16-21

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?" Luke 9:23-25

God is not against us making the most of our earthly lives... but his desire is us to live our temporal lives in a proper context. What is the point of living it up... if we deny ourselves the opportunity to enjoy the true riches which God promises? This is what the whole book of Ecclesiastes is about - the futility of living life "under the sun", just living this life in a "what you see is what you get" fashion. There is more, much more in life for us to experience than the brief joys of material gain.

Jesus promises that:

"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:9,10

Live life above the Sun and in the Son.

Don't always trust your own perception of life's situations, trust in the Lord:

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. - 1 Corinthians 1:25

Finally I leave you with some quotes I gleaned from the trailer to the Return of the King:

There can be no triumph
without loss

No victory
without suffering

No freedom
without sacrifice


All you have to decide is what to do with the time given to you.