Gifts and Curses

I've b een reflecting recently on personal sacrifice  and the passage of time. In my memories last week I was reminded on Facebook, how 8 years ago, as that years Len't was  about to finish, I briefly showed affections for a girl at the start of  Lent that year. I felt quite burdened to surrender those feelings to God. I didn’t want to do it but I felt it was the right thing to do. I was reminded of the words of Aunt May in Spider-Man 2:

 

“ I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, givns us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams.”

 

In the end I chose to be steady… but it yielded me little. Lent passed and Easter came and the chance was gone. It was quite frustrating as a couple of close fiends have in the past made similar sacrifices for God (having  been asked to surrender in turn...  but on every occasion, God only made it a temporary thing and it was something he always gave back. Converesly it NEVER works that way for me. God it seems invariably  wants these sacrifices to be permanent. And so it was, that after Lent ended and I was ready to leap into action once more, the girl in question had moved to anpther local town and got a new job.  As it happens I worked out where that job was, but never felt it right to pick up that thread. For one it would be weird on a number of levels without bringing in the spiritual element.

 

In essence it feels like I've  rocked up like Abraham with Isaac, and The Angel of the Lord as far as I am concerned did not stop short, and nor did he provide a ram.

Now you may think I’m a fool and I threw hope away needlessly. But I remained true even when it cost me (first time for everything lol)

 

As C.S. Lewis wrote in Screwtape::

 

“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

 

Nor do I have hope that circumstances will change in some way it some miracle. I’ve been around the block enough to know the rules of the game.

 

Sometimes you can’t expect a fairytale or Job-like turn around. What matters is faithfulness to the Most High and you just have to trust that good will come of it, not necessarily in the way you conceive or imagine.

 

Will the door open again at this late stage? Incredibly doubtful. Will some over course correction  prove to be the case? I do not see how and don't have reason to hold out hope.

 

For now, I’m good… I can only hope that my cost meant something to The Lord and that in some small way, on some day… I’ll be remembered like Rachel.

 

I think I'll leave it there with I wrestlea video from the sountrack of Spider-Man that includes quotes that reflect the rhings I wrestle with,

But I shall say this.. may God be praised in wherever the walk leads.

 

It is Time...

I've experienced a time when I've started to notice the waters are lapping at my feet. There is no threat in this for me, I just feel that I'm entering a phase where change is afoot. I think it all started rougly after a home group meeting, where I'd spoken to a friend and highlighted some of my grievences and my own dissatisfaction both with them and my own contribution to them. To my perception t seems that some of the classic damage I've taken in the past has led me to me throwing up a few robust defecnces. Some of these are understandable. Given my past decisions and the fact it took a case of divine intervention to snap me out of it and give me the courage to break away... I'm cautious in regards to leaving myself exposed to the same weaknesses that led to my earlier downfall. However that hasn't stopped me  from throwing up my own set of "Excalibur tests" for good measure.

I think that night at home group was a way of setting the scene -  a reminder of the state of play as it has stood.

A couple of weeks later, I was due to preach om Isaiah 42, and I chose to use the paternal/maternal instincrts of the eagle as my theme. In truth this has been something that had been close to my heart for many years... and it just seemed to fit naturally to the theme (it was Trinity Sunday), In short, I portrayed the Trinity in terms of the Father being  the parental eagle watching over us, the Son being the first born eagle that has tasken flight and shows us the where to go and how  we grow to go in that direction, and the Spirit as the breeze that lifts the chick when the time is right... to give it the courage to take the step off

Things have taken an interesting turn of late. the ledge. One of the points I made to the congregation was that if we are the chick in the nest, there is no wrong in wheat place we find ourselves. We might need to see where Jesus has led us before going... we may be waiting for the Spirit to  empower us. We might feel that we have takemn a tumble and our ego is bruised... but the Father is able to pick us up and set us ready for another go when the time is right.

I didn't think too much about the implications of that last one for myself... then it happened.

An unexpected opportunity arose that on the face of things completetely terrified me. Somebody had posed me a scenario that completely blindsided me (I'm not going into detail here, as at the moment it is still live). My paranoia, mistrust and fear had kicked in and I went into automatic shutdown.

It took me a week to emerge from that state by which time it might be too late, but I wrote all my feelings down and got it out of my system - why I am the way I am and why I'm so reticent. Kind of hard to do that because nobody ever asks me about stuff like that... and maybe when I do offer a response (or perhaps because of that fact), they are just as uncomfortable about what comes out. However, I did leave my response with a positive end and the prosepect of hope.

Not long after this, I felt God was reminding me of an image from a book I'd read (Grail in Stephen Lawhead's Pendragon Cycle). In the book there is a low point where King Arthur has hit rock bottom and is in the doldrums - his sword has been stolen, his queen has been kidnapped and his trusted righthand man has apparently betrayed him. Following this scene, Merlin confronts the king and prophetically strikes the floor with his staff repeatedly and with each strike, he urges the king to shake off what drags him down and look to the state of play an, I got the feeling that God was rep0d encourages him - he needs to rise up and resolve the situation and not leave himself in this fitful sulk.

Likewise, I got the feeling that God was repeatedly striking my floor and telling me to get up and no choke myself on the past. For after all, past is merely prologue... and we are only doomed to repeat if we do not learn from it. I think maybe I've been overlearning it.

On TikTok I've recently come across a few posts with a sermon illustration about the painting "Checkmate". How the human player is in despair becasuse the devil player has seemingly won. The anecdote in  the TikToks talk is basically that the king has one last move to make and the human player is saveable.  Now I've read up on the painting and apparently the literal anecdote isn't true because its hard to tell what the pieces in it resemble on the board. However the moral is true... because the same could certainly be said of the devil's pieces. If we can't see how he's got checkmate, then I would argue his position is not a dead cert either.  I think the truth behind that painting is that it is a character study.  The man who thinks he is losing has given in to his fears and is accepting the devil at his word.  But the thing is that the devil is a confidence trickster. He doesn't have checkmate - he's never hadd checkmate, but his sole objective is to terrify you and bluff you intop thinking he has. Never remove yourself from the game - listen to God's encouragement and accept his guidance and it is never over until God says it is over.

So anyway, a week has passed since all that happened... but confronted about my own sense of checkmate... I feel like I'm clawing my way back and have got a renewed sense of positivity. Whatever happens, I've learned not to retreat and cave on the broad stroke theme of this lesson. Yes, the specific  circumstance may not pan out... I may lose another piece... but I will not allow the devil to put so much emphasis on that piece... I'm going to push on his king instead. In good time and God's grace, I have faith that the landscape will change. Whatever major pieces of lost, I have a fistful of pawns.... and they are only a step away from becoming knights, rooks, bishops and who knows, even a queen.

This morning at church we wee reading Genesis 22 - God's testing of Abraham. We were asked in the sermon what things that we might be holding onto that God might be asking us to let go of. My heart at this point was drawn to an exchange from Babylon 5... because I was thinking there wasn't much I could add to the conversation... and God was reminding me otherwise:

Marcus Cole : You asked me to give something up, Delenn. I don't have anything left. It's all gone. My brother was the last of our family and he died because of my stupidity. He warned me of the Shadows; I didn't listen. And when they came, I lost, him, our home, the colony where we'd grown up, a woman I was quite fond of. I escaped with only the clothes on my back, and went off in search of these "Rangers" that he'd been going on about. Because he believed in them, and in you. Everything I was, everything I had, all of it, died that night. I don't have anything left to give.

Delenn : Then that is exactly what you must give up. Yes, you have lost much, endured much, sacrificed greatly. But you cling to the memory of your sacrifices, of all the things you have lost or left behind. They drag behind you, like chains of your own making. They can have a terrible power over you, Marcus: the power of grief, and loss, and regret. Yes, you have let go of the people, places and things, but you have not let go of the pain. You have not forgiven yourself.

Marcus Cole : For what?

Delenn : Being alive

There it was again, God's not going to let this go... he's not going to let me go either. It's down to me to rise up from the ashes and have faith that he's going to remove the dead weight that has held me in check. All I need to do is to take courage and stand upon the rock. The only thing that stand between a vibrant pridelands filled with life and the current perceived state of affairs, is a roar!

AMPed Up!

Sometimes its nice to turn the Bible "up to 11" by plugging it into an AMP. There's some truly lovely translations in some verses. Take this for example:

"Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognising and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One),

And that I may [actually] be found and known as in Him, not having any [self-achieved] righteousness that can be called my own, based on my obedience to the Law’s demands (ritualistic uprightness and supposed right standing with God thus acquired), but possessing that [genuine righteousness] which comes through faith in Christ (the Anointed One), the [truly] right standing with God, which comes from God by [saving] faith.

[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognising and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [[b]which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

That if possible I may attain to the [[c]spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Not that I have now attained [this ideal], or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own."

Philippians 3:8-12 (AMP)

Look at those words... blink in another version and you might miss them. The Amplified version of the Bible doesn't always make for the easiest reading in terms of flow... but it's wonderful sometimes to really suck the marrow from scripture... to drain every last drop that your understanding can hold. I find that the AMP really does give you opportunity to chew your food when studying the Word, and it is for that reason that it takes pride of place on my iPhone along with the NIV.

This post isn't an advert for the AMP, if anything I would encourage anyone to find a version of the Bible that they can get along with (I find one that gives you a balance between readability and challenge in study is usually the best choice, personally). I just wanted to take a little snippet from the above passage and exhort how mind blowing it is.

"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him; that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognising and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection"

Wow. Just... wow.

What I love about Paul's writing here, is that it is so abundantly clear that he isn't describing mere religion... but absolute life affirming relationship. If we didn't have the context of the verses surrounding it, you might think he was talking about his depth of feeling for a lover. For those of you who know the privilege of romantic love, I imagine those few lines describe quite succinctly how you hope your relationship will develop - that the person you have deep affection for will continually reciprocate your feelings and that as you spend time in one another's company, you will grow equally in understanding, wonder and excitement of the person you know more and more each day.

That's what Paul wants with Jesus. That's what Paul wants for you... and far more importantly, that is what Christ requires of us - an intimate, ever growing love.

I also love the how Paul describes how he wants to go about this... "For my determined purpose"; he turns away from the distractions, fades down the white noise and focuses on who and what is of importance. I wonder when the last time any of us treated Jesus with that level of clarity and commitment?

So going forward into the coming year what shall we say and do?

What is our determined purpose?

Watching the Walls

I've been giving some thought lately to how we prevent the things we value about ourselves being exploited by outsiders... and how we protect ourselves from emotional intrusion or even invasion. This has arisen due to my feeling snooped upon in certain quarters.

Throughout my childhood, for whatever reason, I never really let anyone get too close to me... back then, friends were just people to play with who I cared about and I had no reason or perceivable need to open up on a deep and meaningful level to other people. I built a wall around the city of my heart that protected it from getting too badly damaged. The only people who were allowed in were pretty much myself and God.

However as I grew older I learned how isolated, adopting this position can leave you. A lot of the time when people look at you and cannot perceive anything beyond your walls... they tend to allow their limited experience of your interactions at face value... to be their definition of who you are; or worse, they project upon your walls an image of what they want you to be... something that me be as far removed about the truth of who you are is, as you can possibly imagine.

In short people in their fallibility do not often look for the man behind the curtain, nor understand who he really is if they should stumble upon him. People tend to get very comfortable with their own ideas of who a man is... we do like to keep people nicely filed away in categories... don't we?

Walls are okay... just so long as you don't forget to add a doorway and maybe the odd window here and there, shedding access and light into your heart... and of course as long as you don't remain hidden permanently away behind them.

I believe when you let someone into your heart (be it as an acquaintance, a friend or on a deeper level), you do so on your own terms and that anyone who can't respect that notion, should not be trusted. If someone goes looking through all your windows and scurrying up and down your walls seeking access into your life too deeply... then there is a disingenuous vein running through their actions. When someone doesn't try to get to know you casually in a direct manner, but instead  goes rifling through the elements of your life in depth first, it would appear that they are less interested in who you are... and more interested in what you can give them or what they can take out of you.

It is deeply disrespectful.

I was giving some thought to this with regard to my own beliefs as well:

“Very truly I tell you Pharisees, anyone who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber.  The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep.  The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.  But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.”  Jesus used this figure of speech, but the Pharisees did not understand what he was telling them.

Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them.  I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

John 10:1-6 

Isn't it interesting that Jesus uses similar terminology when describing the Kingdom of Heaven? I think God feels the same way about the Kingdom as we do about our own lives. This line of thinking has given me extra insight into Jesus other words:

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

John 14:6

People are often quick to use that verse as an exclusive statement... but I wonder how it would change our beliefs... if we who consider ourselves included would take a fresh look at this passage and the motives behind our beliefs.

Why do believe what we believe? What matters most to us as an end result of what we believe?  If our motivation for worship is simply to gain access to the Kingdom and life eternal... then could it not be argued that in fact, we are merely scurrying across the walls having glimpsed through the window of the Gospel message?

If someone married a person merely to get access to a substantial dowry or decided to try and enter into a relationship with someone merely to get affirmation about their own self worth... that would be an abuse. It would not be treating our neighbour as our self. It would just be selfish gratification.

Similarly if our primary aim in being a Christian remains rooted to what we get at the end of the journey, our walk is an idolatrous one... and we are not loving God.  I'm not condemning people whose journey starts out at that point. I think that can be understandable. I am saying that as we grow as Christians and become spiritually mature, we need to develop a proper relationship with God... one not based on what we have and can receive... but one based on who he is... and what that means to us.

In Ezekiel 16 God speaks of his relationship with Jerusalem... at how he first saves "her" from those that despised her and would not care for her... and yet later returns when she is full grown, to claim her in marriage. I think God totally accepts the places we start out from with him... but desires us to grow into individuals who are fully involved with him in their lives.

Back to my main point though. We cannot treat God or other people with disrespect... we cannot see them as a means to an end. 

Nor should we try and force ourselves upon others emotionally, psychologically, physically or spiritually. Jesus gave us the model for how we should approach people on a personal level:

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

Revelation 3:20

When God first enters our life, he respects us enough to wait at the front door. Of course, he already knows us intimately... because he created us and is omniscient.... however, isn't it comforting and reassuring that he never once abuses that knowledge to deceive us into choosing a relationship with him. He respects our free will and our individuality and values it perhaps more than we do at times.

So in conclusion, we must be careful to respect people's red lines. Walls exist for  a reason. We mustn't try and gain a foothold where we know it is inappropriate to do so. I know that when I have discovered someone trying to get close to me without my consent, it has made me immensely uncomfortable and distrustful. I watch my walls.

However when it comes to God and those who do not try and push themselves upon us, we must also remember to watch our doors too.

Perfect Storms

OK so it seems I have gone quiet again... so what has happened?

Truth be known, February wasn't a great month for me, not at all; in fact it turned out to be something of a perfect storm.

I started out quite low on fuel (that is to say I'd been watching out for a few of my friends who had been struggling lately and had felt very little in the way of input from my peers). That in itsaelf I could contend with, until it seemed that the Almighty decided to weigh in with something of a surprise...

It was the first Sunday in February and I found myself attending a commissioning service presided over by thate new Bishop of Coventry The Right Reverend Christopher Cocksworth. In his sermon he focused in on one verse...

just one tiny, little verse...

It was however a verse that I have history with. It was Genesis 2:18, which reads:

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

Why should that verse cause me such a problem? Well, quite simply it's the verse I used to appeal to God with when highlighting the situation in my personal life. It was quite literally as if God was holding a delayed action mirror up to me.... and all the emotion I'd been pourring out to him over those years in the past was being knocked back into my court.

I felt slightly aggrieved to say the least. You see I'd made a bit of a commitment last year not to revisit that area of my life and just get on with things. I felt very strongly that God had "broken the ceasefire" don't misunderstand me here, God is sovereign and knows what is best for every one of us... if he decides to break the ceasefire it's because he as the right to do so... and IS right to do so...

... that doesn't mean you have to like it though. It also doesn't mean that it won't hurt.

After the service, a good friend asked the question why myself and three other people seemed to have been left in the cold while so many other people were sorted.

At the time I remember stating something along the lines of in my case that maybe it was because i wasn't prepared to sell out and compromise my beliefs just to get what I wanted.

It just so happened that the next Sunday was Valentine's Day which for me at least,is normally a non-event... in fact this is something I've grown used to from childhood (except for a period of a few years when I wish it had been a non-event). Normally I just pay it no heed and get on with the day... telling myself it's just a stupid commercial thing that cashes in on people's emotions.

However as I was still feeling raw from my experience the week before, I couldn't handle it as well as I normally would. In fact... so bothered was I, that had I not been on coffee that morning I would definitely have skipped on church (I knew it was a dead cert it would come up in the sermon because I knew the style of the vicar who was preaching that day).

I sooooo wanted to do a Jonah, but it was not to be.

I then started to hear of another friend's suffering, and I started to become quite angry with people who were from my perspective "living the dream" and yet complaining about extremely minor problems while ignoring the plight of those around them.

It seems the view becomes extremely clouded when you sit atop an ivory tower.

The third element of my perfect storm came within a week of these things.... and I cannot discuss it openly because it would do more harm than good.

Suffice it to say that a sitiuation arose that left me feeling surplus to requirements and extremely underappreciated. It was made worse by the way it was handled (both in the way it was sold to me, and the logistics of how it came about). It meant that on what was meant to be a day of celebration, I was feeling extremely awkward.

And following this, I received an email that made it clear things had not just been falsely sold to me... but to others as well, and a response was required that as of this time I have not felt able to commit to.

The worst of it though has been the stonewall silence of a few people. When I was extremely low, I poured out how I felt and recieved no response at all... oh that's not true, within 6 hours I had a request for help from them which coincided with their ignorance of how I felt.

I'm not naming them... I'm not the sort to do that, but something has changed. Normally I'd suck this up and just accept it. I'm not doing that anymore. In the past I'd be worried about people concerned reading this... for fear of it affecting friendship negatively. However that isn't really the truth of things is it? The fact is that I have no reason to hide my feelings on this... for it is they who are the belligerent party.

We are now moving into March and I'm finding as I emerge from the crucible of February's inferno, a new sense of resolve deep within on many fronts.

I have realised that in terms of relationships, hen you say you'll leave something a lone... what you do isn't nearly as important as how or why you do it. I've sat out of circles where I could meet people... but by doing that I've retained the issue at centre circle, I should have actually got out there and been more social and just put the issue in a cupboard... but no I had to be a martyr. This I seek to change.

As to friendships, I'm going to be more assertive. The friends of mine who are truly in need, I'm going to rally and lift. Those who are taking advantage of my symbiotic nature and behaving in parasitical manner are going to learn that there is no holding back now. If they cross me, they will know about it. I recently came across a clip from an old western:

Ok so it isn't the greatest of flicks but the message is clear:

In all your dealings with me, you may believe that I don't think or act in a manner that you are used to in your dealings with others; that is merely because of the way I choose to act in response to you. It's not that I don't know how perhaps I should respond like others... I just chose not to before because you matter to me. However, do not forget that I also matter... and from now on you will understand that it wasn't because I didn't know how to responbd like everyone else, I just don't typically have a mindset where I have a use for those responses. Don't confuise the two different states of mind.

Or to put it another way and to quote a recent Thor graphic novel:

"There is only one difference. In this time, and this place, I am no longer holding back."
 





NB I appreciate this was a long and fairly angsty post but I wanted to get my muse, my writing mojo back... and this seemed a good way to clear the air in a manner that might achieve that.

A Commitment

A few weeks ago I started to make a few realisations about myself. There were certain things that I lacked (and still lack) in my life, that I was clinging to much too strongly.

I remember earlier in the year, perhaps it was even earlier than that... feeling burdened to take the path of Isaac. Isaac if you recall was the "quiet man" of the patriarchs... the biggest event in his adult life was his marriage to Rebekah... and even then, he didn't play a proactive part in the story... he was meditating in a field while Abraham's servant was doing all the hard work.

It's been true that up until recently I had been hankering after relationships like a dog chasing cars and by observing emotional similarities in other people I am close to, I realised how dangerous a thing love can be if it grows out of context.

In the past when I have fallen in love, I have fallen fast... and I have fallen deep and it has so consumed my attention that everything else... even the important things, faded into the background. the trouble with falling that fast and falling that deep, is that you also fall hard... and when you hit rock bottom... it blinking well hurts.

I recalled a time when a friend of mine gave up a relationship he was in because he felt that he "loved the other person" too much at the expense of his relationship with God... ergo, he believed his relationship to be idolatrous. I always respected him for that... always.

The wisdom of the world would tell him he would be crazy for thinking such a thing. "When you have something that precious, you never let go", they would say. But you see he was absolutely correct.

Context is everything.

If you love something so much that it blinds or at least obscures you to everything else around you... then it is idolatrous and really, if you are honest deep down... it is not love at all, it is something else...

...infatuation.

I think that in the past when I've liked a girl... it's definitely fallen into that category... even when I felt God telling me that I was to walk the way of Isaac... I just took that to mean "wait until I bring someone along and then pounce". However in hindsight, I don't think that was ever the intention.

So we come to a few weeks ago and the commitment I came to.

Essentially I've decided to go full tilt Isaac. That is to say that I'm entirely putting that area of my life on the back burner. I'm allowed to like people of course, but I'm not allowing myself to actively pursue them. That's God's turf. So either God sends someone my way or I stay out of action until I get some kind of personal message from God (I don't know... perhaps stone tablets), but either way it's not my focus anymore.

It means accepting that this could be it... the end of the line (as much as I of course don't want it to be and indeed have faith that it won't be). However, I have to make this sacrifice in order to prove to God that the idea of love and romance is not more important to me than him.

This is the point where all worldly friends and foe alike will in all probability burst out laughing and scurry away sending my name and address to the Darwin Awards... for attempting to ensure the extinction of my own genetic makeup.

Let them.

Whether or not I believe in Evolution (within the context of my belief in God) is besides the point. Whether or not I am prepared to trust my God is exactly the point.

Developments since walking this path have been... interesting to say the least. Needless to say, all secular girls who I have taken a shine to in the past have suddenly seemed to have universally had a eureka moment and have even started flirting with me... what's with that???

I'd be lying if I said things weren't in some ways awkward (there are some complicated issues... well they aren't complicated at all but... well never mind). However I'm finding I'm a lot closer to God at the moment, a great deal more energised and considerably braver when it comes to seeking out his will.

So there we have it evolutionary suicide or a leap of faith.... but it's been my decision nonetheless.

Moving Swiftly On

As you may have gathered, yesterday was pretty intense and my post was verging on primal.

Since that time, I've had opportunity to reflect on the things that have hurt me and think I have found a way of coming to terms with the things that irritate me and as a result, I'm more philosophical about going forwards.

I was sitting in my car and praying about my feelings, my attitude and the events and actions that led up to them. I suddenly became aware that there is a lesson to be learned here... I've learned it before in another area of my life.

It's the lesson of letting go.

In surgery there comes a time when those operating have to agree that the battle is lost and continuing is a waste of resources. Similarly, while saving the past is a noble pursuit... it must not be done at the expense of the present or future. God knows I have a stubborn streak running right through me. Is it just stubbornness though... or is it actually arrogance? When everyone else walks away, I remain... because some part of me thinks I can hold the centre.

But is it actually my place to hold the centre?

No it isn't. This is riding a dead horse. If I keep devoting my energies to people who have disappeared over the horizon, I'm not going to be able to be there for the people who are to come... and I'm going to burn myself out.

I learned this many years ago in respect of relationships... and now I realise it's equally applicable here.

Let the dead bury the dead.

That's not to say I will slam the door on people who have come and gone... it just means I have no need of their approval... and I'm not being held back any more.

You see it's occurred to me, this is just another step on the road I'm travelling... a necessary one. When I go to Israel next year, who knows what I'm going to discover? One thing I do know though... if I go out there still looking back, I'm going to miss the moments.

In fact, that is just as true now... isn't it?

So onwards I travel... and no longer shall I let my gaze linger on the road behind me.

Now is it just synchronicity that "The Times They Are A-Changin" is playing on my Last.fm radio.

Go to the Correct Source

Yesterday's post was quite angst ridden... and rightly so, given the position I felt I was in. I make no apology for that.

However, I didn't just sit and brood over those feelings... I took them to church and decided to wrestle them through with God. When I got to church I was greeted by this little lady:

A bedraggled spaniel who had somehow gone off on a misadventure after escaping her owner. She had clearly been through the River Alne several times... not to mention several hedges backwards. It was a seemingly random encounter... but I later remembered that I had felt a similar way just over a year ago... and I had written the following "parable" in a blog:

Once there was a dog who liked to play fetch. He would often go up to the children in the churchyard with sticks or balls. All he wanted was for them to throw something out for him to chase after, to show a little friendship and affection... yet all the boys and girls would ever do is ignore him, shove him away or abuse him by beating him with the sticks he had brought... all this merely because they either didn't want him around or just didn't understand what he was really about. Yet despite his bruises the dog never gave up hope that he would be accepted for who he was.

I thought it was at the very least interesting that God should cause me to have an encounter in the "real world" that would remind me of that.

Anyway, this morning's reading was a real challenge for me:

"One Sabbath, when Jesus went to eat in the house of a prominent Pharisee, he was being carefully watched... ...When he noticed how the guests picked the places of honor at the table, he told them this parable: "When someone invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited. If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, 'Give this man your seat.' Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place. But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, 'Friend, move up to a better place.' Then you will be honored in the presence of all your fellow guests. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.""

Luke 14:1, 7-14

It wasn't easy for me to hear that... especially the second bit, given the way I've been feeling over the last couple of days. However, I believe I understood the point God was making - it was totally in line with what he was saying to me the other week... I think we were just "reading the next chapter".

I can't put my friendships on such a level that they come between me and God. Now you might think that is harsh but I think God is just helping me address an imbalance caused from how I used to live my life. Until my late teens, I shut myself away from others by letting them think I was a different person to the real me. It was very important for me to keep people at a distance - I wanted to be liked, but not loved. I created an elaborate labyrinth of "Excalibur tests" for people to negotiate if they were truly to be worthy of knowing me.

You might think that was pomposity at it's worst...but actually it was down to my insecurities.

Of course I soon learned the error of my ways... when people weren't interested in knowing me on a more intimate level... because they thought I was just a random likable idiot who just goofed around a lot. People saw me more as a pet than a person I reckon... and since those times I've devoted a lot of energy into trying to prove their misconceptions wrong... probably too much energy.

So, I feel that God was pulling me up on that, reminding me that even if the people I care about aren't always going to be there for me... He will always be there for me. Spurred on by this, I decided to take it up in prayer with a couple of other people.

I am ever so grateful for that... because my strengths were listed in prayer through others and reaffirmed for me in my heart by God... and though I did not ask for it, it was prayed that people would actually realise my genuine value both as a Christian and a human being. I felt a lot more at peace... and when I got home, I realised that a couple of minor things - straws that broke the camel;s back... had been answered.

So I think I can draw a line under this particular episode...but I hope I have provoked people to value their friendships - past and present... and to not take them for granted.

One thing I have to be watchful of though is how I seem to be under constant fire from different angles. It seems every fortnight I've had some great big boulder to wrestle with... it's just encouraging that for once, I seem to have taken them to the right source in the first instance...not as a last resort.

If anything in your life is causing you to wrestle... I pray that God grants you the wisdom to take it up with him.

God bless

N

PS... please pray for a friend of mine who I have not heard from in about a week, the last I heard... she was feeling very depressed and I am growing concerned. Though I only know her through the Internet I am considering calling her up.

Thank you.

An Unexpected Encounter

My life took yet another turn for the surreal earlier this week.

I was minding my own business talking to a colleague at work with regard to something completely random.

Nothing unusual there at all.

However, as we were talking, the sound of approaching footsteps and voices was audible down the corridor. Almost immediately, the Company Secretary appeared with two visitors - two female visitors... one of whom was very familiar.

Who was she? She was the girl from the estate agents who just over a year ago, I had a crush on. She has not been working at that company for some time... and it seemed almost as if she had never existed, or had at least disappeared off the face of planet Earth... yet there she was.

I was completely blindsided.

It was a completely unpredictable event, one that I could not have foreseen in any way. Naturally,this bolt from the blue left me completely flustered... I did my best to regain my composure and said a polite but utterly shocked hello. She returned the greeting and carried on down the corridor.

I conveniently found some work that needed printing off on the copier and went in the opposite direction... where I paced around for a fair bit... and gnawed my knuckles in an angst-ridden fashion.

Oh she was a stunner alright... but that wasn't what was eating me up. It took me a bit of time to work that one through. If someone makes a strong impression on you, in my experience, I find that it lasts. It doesn't matter whether you fancy them anymore or not... there is always something inside that reminds you of the butterflies you first felt when you originally encountered them. It doesn't mean you still fancy them... if it did, then I'd still fancy about a dozen girls!

I was, I confess a little bothered because I had discovered she had come with a temping agency... and having to work with someone who knows you have liked them and may have similar feelings, is one quandary I have never really had to face. However she wasn't a temp herself, apparently her new job is to interview companies and check out their placement needs. She is not coming to work for us herself - I breathed a hearty sigh of relief when I worked that one out.

The fact is that I am further on down the road then I was back then. I have changed... I have had several watershed moments in that particular area of my life. Most significantly these cropped up in December, March and most recently, just the other Sunday. I can tell you there have also been some fiery trials in between that I didn't blog about because people involved would definitely have found out about it... and things would have gotten messy - and that is the only reason I didn't mention it. If you flick through the archives you will see that I have an open approach with regard to my struggles.

I think on this occasion my "spidey-sense" was tingling!

I was praying through things the following day... and I found myself proactively telling God that I didn't want this because it was a distraction... and that I didn't want to miss out on the things he is starting to work out in my life and the lives of those of others around me. Normally I'm reacting with distress or reluctantly acknowledging things like that... I feel God allowed this to happen so that I could see that I have moved forward in this area.

Furthermore, I also received a scripture via text message from Jenni:

"Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it."

Psalm 37:34

There have been times in the past, when I would begrudgingly accept such things like a servant accepts an unfair burden that he knows he must carry. I would always see the first sentence... and be blinded to the rest. This time, I'm okay with it... it's not heavy at all. I would rather wait for what is right... what is assured in all areas of my life, rather than rush headlong into a feast of ashes.

Or as the Bible puts it:

"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

Isaiah 55:2

As I was writing that, it occurred to me that this is one of the verse God laid on my church a good couple of years ago.

So maybe for the first time I'm heeding the call to keep my eyes on the prize without a sense of hardship. I'm going to link to a video of Bruce Springsteen performing an old "spiritual" about that, in concert. Before I do,I'm going to leave you with a quote from it:

Freedom’s lean is mighty sweet
And soon we’re gonna meet
Keep your eyes on the prize, Hold on
I got my hand on the gospel plough
Won’t take nothing for my journey now
Keep your eyes on the prize, Hold on.

Excuse Me... Do I Know You From Somewhere?

I can't remember if I've brought this up before, but I keep running into this girl in Stratford-upon-Avon. This isn't the girl at the estate agents... a long time has passed since then, and I believe she has vanished off the face of the Earth. No, this is a girl who I once stepped out the way for, whilst I was waiting for my friend Rob to buy a breakfast bap from a trailer canteen. We've crossed paths several times since, because Rob parks his car on the same stretch of road every Thursday/Friday.

Rob has nicknamed her "The Mona Lisa Girl" because as he puts it, she has an enigmatic "I know something you don't know" smile on her face whenever we see her.

I suspect this is probably because she thinks that Rob and I are actually an item, which is hilarious (and also more than a little tragic)! I think his wife might have something to say about that.

Now the other week I had to bus in to work and the strange thing is, I could have sworn she got on the bus for the morning journeys... I'd have never have thought she lived round my neck of the woods... maybe she has a doppelganger, I thought. Whilst I sat there pondering whether or not this was in fact the same person (and trying very hard not to look like I was staring), something else occurred to me. There has been something familiar about her that I couldn't quite touch upon. I contemplated in my mind what it could possible be

The first thing that popped into my mind was this old blog I had written many moons ago. That is why she is so familiar, she bears a striking resemblance to the imaginary girl from my dream back then. I'm not putting stock in my unhealthily hyperactive imagination though... it gets me into trouble... during my teens it sometimes even controlled ME!

The trouble with me is that when I'm not focused I go off on my own wibbly wobbly adventures... and when I am focused, I am so intense. I need to find some kind of happy medium.

Oh and when I find that happy medium, there is one last trap that I tumble headlong into...

...there is an old Weetabix advert that sums it up so perfectly:

I always seem to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Just when I'm getting somewhere, I start to get cold feet and doubt myself and cloud my mind with worry about serious stuff. One day.... God willing, I'm going to get past that pesky sheriff in my subconscious and do something like this:

I try not to let it occupy my mind because I know that when you do, it shows and that scares the ladies off like nothing else. I can't help it though, every so often I grow tired of waiting and find myself feeling frustrated. Sometimes I think that my time alone is a necessary sacrifice repaying for my last disastrous relationship... and that things won't turn around until an equal length of time has been spent "in exile". I have nothing solid to base this theory on, it is merely a suspicion and ill feeling that I have.

Well that's enough about me banging on about relationships or rather lack of... back to business!

Two Viewpoints

It occurred to me today that often we fall into one of two types of flawed behaviour, when it comes to how we live out our lives.

The first type are "the grass is always greener" crowd. People who follow this path, have little conviction when it comes to commitment and loyalty, if a better offer comes along... they are off to pastures new.

The second type are the "you made your own bed, lie in it" crowd. I know all about them! In the past, that is the group I have most closely associated with. These are people who value loyalty and commitment so highly that if they make the wrong choice, they stubbornly refuse to get out and instead try to make the best of a bad deal.

The sensible people are those who fall in between... but I wonder in reality, how many people that actually amounts to. It would come as no surprise to me if they were in the minority.

I have a problem with the first group I mentioned... I don't like it when people act like locusts, especially in matters of friendship and relationships. I find it unacceptable that a person can come along, strip mine another individual for all their goodness and then leave them when the next best thing comes along. It is wrong. How does a person justify such an attitude in their own heart? Of course the truth is that it probably never crosses their mind... and for that... if it weren't for the terrible damage they cause to others by their behaviour, perhaps they would have more of my pity.

However the second group, the one I have followed in the past... don't believe in hurting others, they don't understand that there are times when it is OK to get out... that sometimes staying is the wrong option. If you are slowly being devoured in body mind or spirit through a friendship or relationship... I think it is OK to escape.

True friendships and relationships are built on symbiosis (two or more separate individuals working together to benefit one another). Too often we can fall into the trap of parasitic relationships - where one party takes advantage of the other.

I strongly encourage you to think carefully before making a big decision either way about your relations with others. If you are thinking of walking out on someone, ask yourself why. Ask yourself is it really worth it. Ask yourself if you are thinking of what is best for both people, or if you are just trying to have your cake and eat it.

Similarly if you are on the receiving end, if you are in a relationship with someone where you feel obligated to helping them, ask yourself if you are really helping them by spoon feeding them. Are you losing sight of yourself, do you feel like you are slowly dying inside? Don't needlessly commit yourself down a path from which there is little or no escape.

Essentially all I'm asking you is if it is a two way thing. There is an old Korean parable of a soldier who dreams he dies and is shown Heaven and Hell. In Hell, he sees men and women wailing in despair because they are given impossibly long chopsticks with which to eat. In Heaven, the people have happy faces... and yet they have exactly the same chopsticks. the difference is in their attitude. In Hell, the people are trying to feed themselves... in Heaven they are feeding one another.

Are you getting fat off what other people feed you, whilst neglecting to return the favour?

Or are you being fed at all... or are you giving all your food away without receiving nourishment?

Please think about these questions, your long term future may one day depend on it.

Regards and blessings

Nick

Personal Reflection

Several recent events in my life have caused me stop and think.

I've recently learned of parallels between my life and that of somebody else, that I was not previously aware of. It has caused me for the first time in a long stretch... to seriously ask whether or not I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. The last time I really felt this way, was back in 2005 when I attended a confirmation service at Coventry Cathedral. I saw something that has remained with me to this day.

A young, bald vicar who sported a goatee was standing beside one of the candidates he had brought with him from his church, to be confirmed. At one point this vicar stretched his arm out slightly above the candidate and turned his head to face them... in a pose very reminiscent of the Argonath from The Lord of the Rings. I remember feeling particularly inspired by this.

I'm not a fan of the clergy as an institution... but I have respected and been deeply fond of many of them as individuals. In fact I can say that I wouldn't be the person I am today without the inspiration and advice that God blessed me with through a few of them.

During my childhood, a lot of people assumed I would grow up to be a vicar myself... because faith is so important to me. In a way I struggled with that because I always felt that acting out your faith should be the status quo. Just because somebody is zealous about their spirituality, it shouldn't mean that they have to become a minister, pastor, priest, vicar, monk or whatever... faith and spirituality to me, are the natural state. We should all be passionate about what we believe. I've always remained apart from the idea of joining an official ministry in an attempt to illustrate this truth to other members of any congregation I'm with. I agree with Alastair that there is a latent, subconscious conspiracy between congregations and clergy that results in too much emphasis being put on ministers. Sometimes congregations don't want to get involved in the spiritual life of their church and expect their leaders to do it all for them... which is an unfair burden to ask of anyone. Sometimes, ministers accept to readily social privileges that come their way because of their position and standing. Either side can be at fault. The Bible says that we are one body, with many parts and that Christians are together after all a royal priesthood. We should all be doing our bit... As Paul* taught:

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." Galatians 6:2-5

We - each of us, should do the work asks of us... for it is our personal load. However when we see someone struggling because they have taken too much on and are burdened... however important or trivial that person may seem to either our own perception, or that of the church... we should be prepared to step in and offer our support - because that is the way of Christ. We ALL need to do this.... not just leave it to clergy. The only thing that should determine whether or not you become involved in the official ministry of any denomination... is the calling that God places on your heart... that's it.

However, at times like these I do wonder whether or not I am doing the right thing... I ask myself, should I become a part of the system? Am I serving God best where I am... or should I sign up? Certainly at this time, Richard's passing has been a catalyst for these thoughts. I am genuinely uncertain as to which way I should go.

I've also been reflecting on other areas of my life. Things have happened to me recently that beg me to question, whether my past attitudes when I have been keen on a girl... have somehow come back to haunt me? Is the boot on the other foot?

You see I was never good at taking gentle, subtle hints from a girl if I was keen on one. I was a romantic... I used to believe that it would all turn out right in the end. I wore rose-tinted spectacles... and I used to emotionally hang on long after the time was right to move on. That could be if I just fancied someone... or worse if I was actually in a relationship.

Hopefully I've learned my lesson.

Even so, I do fear that I may be reaping what I have sown... that I may in fact be on the receiving end of the behaviour I used to exhibit. One thing I know about myself... I may be stubborn, I may take a lot of convincing, but once I have made my decision... I stand by it. I move on and I never go back over old ground. If the ship has sailed, it will not return. I do not become enamoured by the same girl twice.

All in all a lot to think about.

Prayers and thoughts would be appreciated.

Blessings

N

*I know Jenni has a different interpretation of the context of this passage, but both are acceptable and theologically correct... and this way round is appropriate to the message I am bringing on this occasion.

Unfettered Joy!

I've been thinking a lot about opportunities, threats, strengths and weaknesses lately and have come to the conclusion that some important changes are going on in me as a person.

In just merrily bumbling along in life, hoping for all the things I wanted... I very rarely looked over my shoulder and contemplated on what I already had. Always with my eyes fixed on the road ahead... I neglected many times to just consider where I was.

For one reason or another I've been thinking about my status in life - 32 and single... but you know what?

SO what!

I'm finally starting to appreciate the freedoms being single affords me... and yeah, maybe I want to settle down... but the Lord gave me these freedoms for a purpose and I'm not ready to surrender them just yet - because I haven't really used them or explored them as I know I can. Nor have I just let my hair down and relaxed around people as I know I want to. In private, I need to start flexing my spiritual muscles and train for what is ahead of me. In public, I need to learn to play.... to just have fun as I am... and not get encumbered by serious relationships that at the present time I don't really have time for.

I was thinking of a quote from a Spider-Man comic this afternoon:

Are you the man who dreamed of being a spider? Or the spider who dreamed of being a man? Are you the one... or are you the other?"

In fact the quote is actually in turn, based on one from the Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi:

One night, Zhuangzi dreamed of being a butterfly — a happy butterfly, showing off and doing things as he pleased, unaware of being Zhuangzi. Suddenly he awoke, drowsily, Zhuangzi again. And he could not tell whether it was Zhuangzi who had dreamt the butterfly or the butterfly dreaming Zhuangzi. But there must be some difference between them! This is called 'the transformation of things'.

Now looking upon those ideas literally, they seem silly. However i had a revelation today. there comes a time in a Christian's walk when he must decide for himself:

Are you the man of God who dreams of being a man with a normal everyday life... or are you the man with an everyday life, who dreams of being a man of God?

I thought I was the latter... but more and more I'm confronted with the realisation that I am the former. That isn't to say that Christianity requires the total rejection of all the things we desire in life... but it does require that they be laid on the altar as a willing sacrifice.

There is the old Star Wars philosophical joke: As a boy you want to be Luke Skywalker.... as a man you want to be Han Solo (boys want to do fancy Jedi tricks and have a light saber, men want to get the girl).

I've always wondered why you couldn't have the light saber and the girl. Maybe you can... and maybe one day I will; but for now, if I can serve God better with a "saber and Jedi powers", than I can running off with princesses, then I can do without. If I have to be a monk rather than a scoundrel then so be it. I'll happily take Gas Meter girl for a coffee if she should happen upon my complimentary email... but it ain't the end of the world if nothing comes of it. Yeah I want to bounce my own kids on my knees one day... but that is the bonus... not the sole purpose of my existence.

I've Been Sprung By Spring!

OK so it doesn't officially arrive until Tuesday 20th March... but I'm convinced that the new season is well under way. The flowers are out, the birds are singing, the bees are buzzing... and I've just been overwhelmingly smitten for the first time this year like a bolt from the blue. Those kind of hits don't happen in winter... it has that special kind of freshness to it... like the cool and clean bite that air has in the morning on a brand new day.

It happened just before lunch, the front doorbell rang and a colleague answered the door, letting the visitor in. It turned out to be someone who had come to read the building's electricity and gas... what is more she was from the female of the species!

She was amazing... raven haired and with a facial piercing... (not normally my type). There was something familiar about her, she reminded me of a good friend I have. It was a culmination of these things that struck me like lightning.

I'll probably never see her again... if you happen to know a girl fitting that description who was reading gas and electric in the Stratford-upon-Avon area today... let her know please.

All I can say is it was a good job she was only checking the buildings gas and electric because my digestive system and neural pathways were going hyper!

I'd love to have gone for a coffee with her, just to see if she was as nice a person as she came across. I guess I'll never know now... SIGH!

Why oh why do I have all these internal directives that I subject myself to?

Note to self... be impulsive for once, find a nice girl, have a friendly chat and just chill out. Stop taking yourself too seriously you pilchard!

Laying Down an Old Burden

"It is the old wound king, my king. It has never healed" - Lancelot ("Excalibur", 1981)

I have carried something inside me for a long time, and recently I've been having dreams that have taken me back into my past... back to the very heart of the matter. I feel this is a prompt to talk about the subject and get it off my chest.

In all of Creation, there is one type of man that I cannot abide:

"They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires." 2 Timothy 3:6

I have never openly admitted why this such a bugbear with me... now I shall. I've held this in for some time because despite the wrong done to me, I value honour above many things... and I won't drag someone through the dirt on account of what they have said or done to me. That is why no names will be named... and only the people who really know me will understand.

I once dated someone - they were no good for me... I know that now. I tarried longer than I should because I felt I could be a force for good... they had seemingly lost faith in God, after a while into our relationship... as it was on "my watch" I felt a degree of responsibility - fool that I was. Every so often, the wiser part of me... the part that wanted out, would get fed up and a row would ensue. I'd go away and cool off and I'd eventually come round full circle.

There was this bus driver...

He befriended her. I was a little suspicious, but I told myself that I was allowing petty jealousy to get the better of me, so I put it to the back of my mind. That was until one day when we had a really big row. I disappeared for about a week. It was during that week that it happened (several times). He saw his opportunity and took it in both hands. I think you know what I'm talking about... it doesn't need saying.

The biggest mistake I ever made, was not seeing that one moment for what it was. So bewitched was I (like the Prince Rilian in C.S. Lewis' "The Silver Chair"), that I even did my best to forgive that. I reasoned that if I could demonstrate forgiveness to that level, maybe she'd understand how much God loved her (when I talk of forgiveness in this context, I wish to make it clear that I am talking in terms of continuing a relationship... not with regard to sin itself). All she cared about was getting her crutch back though. I carried my burden for some time after that... and when I think of how heavy that could of been in terms of consequences, I shudder... and thank God for the grace he showed me in helping me to awaken from my living nightmare.

While I have been healed of the experience, the memory of that time has always coloured my perception of male/female friendships. I do believe that platonic relationships between men and women are possible... in fact, I thrive on them... a couple of my best friends are women (easier to talk to). However, when somebody I am close to who is in a relationship, is approached by another man, I will always regard that man with suspicion. This is especially the case when a man lurks on the fringes of their social circle and when he "has their ear" too readily. I don't like players and seducers.

This has a lot to do with the road I have walked and I have two things to say to men:

1) I am sorry if I have regarded you unfairly because of my pain.

2) Please do not prove me correct in this matter... ever.

Me and this issue? We're done now.

What's In A Name?

I've been thinking lately about our attachment to identity. We attach a lot of importance to how we are addressed, both in terms our personal names and our nationality.

Two things have brought this up for me recently, the unionist/separatist debate over the future of the United Kingdom... and one of the elements observed in the bullying of Shilpa Shetty. In the former case, I explained in an earlier post how I would feel if the UK split up (I don't consider myself English but British), obviously other people feel differently about that and it doesn't make either them or I, right or wrong. There is no state, no law that can define how we identify ourselves according to international heritage... although they can of course refuse to recognise the nation to which we claim to belong's existence. In the latter case, Ms Shetty was labelled as "Princess" or "The Indian" or had a "surname" attributed to her out of ignorance. It seemed to me that what deeply hurt her initially, was the simple refusal of some of her peers to acknowledge her by name.

I met an old schoolfriend a few years ago, his name is Andrew Cutting. At school most of the lads were nicknamed after their surnames... he was, I wasn't - guess I was lucky. When I bumped into him I slipped into the old routine and it clearly hurt him. "It's Andy, Nick... you wouldn't like it if I called you Payne". I apologised and we chatted for a brief while. I've made a mental note not to refer to anyone from my past using past contexts, unless they are OK with this.

Similarly in my hometown, you can tell the people who I know and am known by... and those who know me primarily by association with my parents. Those who know my name call me Nicholas... those who know me, call me Nick.

The key thing about names is that they define how we identify with one another, ourselves and ultimately... God. In the Bible, God gave mankind the authority to name the animals. If I point to a horse, and say there is a horse... it gives no impression of personal value. If I point to him and say "There's Binky" and he responds, you know that there is some form of basic relationship. It's the same with human beings. In the West, we find it acceptable to walk into a room and give a generic greeting. Apparently (so I've been told), in Ecuador it is extremely rude to do this, it is customary to greet everyone in the room as an individual. I think they have the right idea.

We call one another by terms of endearment, nicknames I myself have been known as "Lunar", "Lunarboy", "Pyjama-Man" and "Natrel Man". We can choose to change our name by law, if we are unhappy with it... or if our known identity becomes a danger to our existence. Women can choose to surrender their surname, in order to become associated more closely with a man in marriage. We choose names that has special meaning, significance or affection for our children. Well... OK in my case I didn't have a name for two weeks because Mum and Dad couldn't decide and in the end I was named after the local church (an embarrassing tale for another time I think).

God also changes names... at times when people have a moment in their life that changes the way they relate to him. Abram was changed to Abraham, Sarai became Sarah and as I mentioned in another previous blog, Jacob became Israel.

God himself reveals different names attributed to himself, through the Bible. In fact a key theme in the Bible is how the same God is known by a different name when he reveals a new aspect of his character to his people that marks a new point in his relationship with them.

I'm going to leave you with a meditative challenge and a selection of the Biblical names of God that I found at Lambert Dolphin's website, which also has a more in depth examination of those names.

For the meditative challenge, I want to go back to the horse/Binky scenario. I want you to imagine you are in a sunlit field, looking up to the top of a gentle hill with a friend. I'd like you to try and picture "God" (or if you are an atheist, the person with whom you most closely associate that word) appearing over the hill. When you point to God, how will you describe him to your friend? Is he just the term "God", or is he something more personal than that? If you struggle, maybe the name you seek is in the following list. Whichever name stands out the most for you at this time in your life, I'd like you to go and meditate/think about it. Perhaps if you feel brave enough you could share the name that came to you, or maybe even what came as you meditated on that name. Here is the list:

• El - God
• Elohim - God, pluralised noun(as in the Trinity).
• El Shaddai - God Almighty
• Adonai - Lord
• Jehovah - LORD
• YHWH - I AM WHO I AM" or I WILL BE WHO I WILL BE
• Jehovah-Jireh - The Lord Will Provide
• Jehovah-Rophe - The Lord Who Heals
• Jehovah-M'Kaddesh - The Lord Who Sanctifies
• Jehovah-Shalom - The Lord Our Peace
• Jehovah-Tsidkenu - The Lord Our Righteousness
• Jehovah-Rohi The Lord Our Shepherd
• Jehoivah-Shammah - The Lord Is There
• El Elyon - God Most High
• Tsemach - The Branch
• El Roi - God of Seeing
• Palet - Deliverer
• Gaol - Redeemer
• Magen - Shield
• El-Olam - Everlasting One
• Zur - God Our Rock
• Melekh - King
• Father
• Son
• Holy Spirit
• The Trinity
• The Word
• Alpha and Omega - The First and the Last
• Y'Shua
• Jesus
• Christ
• Messiah
• The Lamb of God
• Saviour
• The Innermost Friend
• Comforter
• My All In All

I'd be very interested to hear your thoughts.

A Hard Lesson Relearned

Sometimes you know things on a subconscious level, but you need to be reminded of them in very real ways.

On Sunday I visited a dear friend at a church service she was attending; it was an opportunity to talk about various things and pour out what has been in or on my heart. She was asking me if I'd heard some good news she had come across, which I had... but in truth, that "good" news had been like bitter waters to me.

A friend has been blessed greatly this year... in a way that I have waited patiently for myself for quite some time. It was a bitter pill to swallow because his morality in such matters has from my perspective been rather dubious. Personally I find "all's fair in love and war" to be a principle that is greatly at odds with "love your neighbour as yourself", but without going into the details, lets just say he never saw a problem in living by both attitudes... at least not around me.

Some times we have a right to be angry... but just because anger is righteous under certain circumstances, it doesn't mean we should always embrace it. We would be justifiably angry if we were smacked in the face and yet Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. If Jesus had reacted to righteous anger all the time he felt it, he would never have died for us. Is there anything under the sun that is more worthy of righteous anger than the torture and murder of the innocent? If Jesus could turn aside his anger at being unfairly punished at human hands... should we not do the same for the comparatively much smaller things that irk us?

God convicted me on the way back home on Sunday, whilst riding the bike in the pouring rain. While I mulled over the anger I felt, he put a scripture in my heart it was from the parable of the Prodigal Son:

"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'" Luke 15:28-30

I was acting just like that older brother. "Ah! but", I protested "The prodigal son was repentant when he was blessed, I don't feel that has happened". Then God laid on my heart one of my heroes from the Old Testament - Josiah. Josiah's father and grandfather were deeply dodgy men... godless men in fact. Yet God in his wisdom blessed these men with a line of succession. Why not cut off evil men where they stand? Well, if God had done that... Josiah would never have been born and the reforms that held back judgement from Judah for a generation, would never have taken place.

I have repented of my anger and there has been a marked difference in my attitude to the person who wounded me. I have been much more civil... it may not be deserved, but God requires it of me nonetheless.

When Jesus commanded us to love our enemies he said that God makes the sun and rain fall on good and evil men alike. As you live your daily life, you will discover that both good and ball, wonderful and terrible things happen to both the righteous and unjust. Instead of trying to consider whether we or other people are getting our just desserts... we should remember that the big story is not about us. As Shakespeare said:

"All the world's a stage,And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts"

Here is the conclusion of the matter. God is sovereign and his love is unconditional. He has mercy on whom he has mercy and he has compassion on whom he has compassion. By his sovereign choice he blesses who he will, whether they be unrepentant or righteous. In his wisdom he knows the good that will come eventually. Nothing is wasted.

For those of us who still wait for the sweet gentle rain of blessing to kiss our lands; we should remember what the Father said in the story to the older son who felt grieved by waiting, while his disobedient brother was blessed:

"My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours."